We Gits Cultchurd

Musashi Sez:

Wull, mai mom just caym bak from a verree fansee plays calld a Opra Hous, which had all kindsa gold on the walls an the ceiling, an also som paintings of laydeez in their nigtshirts on the ceiling too. She wuz not ther to see a opra, however, but whut she did see wuz almost as high up ther on the Cultchrul Continuumnumum. It is called ballay, but because it is Frentch, they spelz it ballet. Thos Frentch folks spelz funnee, but becuz they are way mor cultchrul then us Merikanz, we has to puts up wift it.

The Ballet she saw wuz calld The Nutcrackr. It is a verree straynj storee. See this little girl naymd Cora or Clara or Cathee or somthin is at a Christmus partee an her majik onkul gives her a soldjer doll whu can brayk nuts in his teeft. She is so impressd by this skill that she falls asleep unner this funnee tree wift ligts in it. Then a buntcha micez com and wayk her up an mayk fun of her an challinj her to a duel. But she not old enugf to duel yet, so the soldjer doll becomz reel so he kin figt fer her. A clown doll serve as his sekund. Ther a big swrd figt.

(Fer thoz of yu whu is connasoorz, the mice king yooz a simitar an the soldjer doll yoos a straigt sword. An sinse this play wuz writid in 1892, that tell yu all yu need to know about whu win that figt. Huh.)

That’s the whol egsytin part, but the play keep goin wift all these faireez an Unitid Nayshunz delegits dansin around becuz they ar so impressed wift the soldjer. This problee one of them meddafors.

I wuzn’t too impresst to heer about this, but Mom insist it verree cultchurul, an she say that them dansrz whu play all the parts are lik Olimpic athletes in how they has to work out to be strong enough to dans around and leap! an spin! an pik eetch othr up!

So I think I’m goin to try bein a Ballard fer a whil. That whut Mom say is the gy-version of a ballerina, which is the gurl-version, parentlee. The gyz not gotta wear tutuz, which I thingk is a good thin, reellee, cuz it is hard enugf to leap! ovr mai box wift just all my legz to worree about. Havin a tutu wud jus mayk evrthin mutch too diffrcult.

Mai Pertee Gud Weekend

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I had a pertee gud weekend yestrdae. Mom an me sleept in an then we gots up layt an she chased me! Verree Fast! Across the room! Then I tukt a nap in the bak room whil she eatid brekfist. Aftr that she wuz typin an I went in an draggd her awae from the kapyootr an mayd her chase me! Agen! She is aktchoolee verree fast fer such a big persin. She offin catch mai tail. Cleerlee, I needs mor praktis. I hoep to get som in whil she is on vacayshun.

We also playd wift mai noo toy. She gottid it fer me about a year ago, but I onlee just notissd it. It is a big bloo circle like one of them baygul thins wift the creem cheez, egsept this not have anee cheez. It is hollo an has a ball in it that goes around an around. It is rivittin! But it is mutch bettrer to plae wift this wen Mom is hom, cuz she halps.

See, I layz down on one side an puts one arm in on eethr side. Then I bats the yellr ball bak an forft wift mai pawz. This is ok until the ball gets stuk on the othr side wher I not can reetch, an so if Mom isn’t ther to bat it bak to me, I has to get up an go do somthin els. But if she’s ther to plae wift me, then we gets a Volly goin, and kin plae fer lik TEN WHOL MINITS!!! at a tim.

And then I gets tierd an has to climb up on mai goldee pillo on the cowtch an tayks a nap.

It is verree strenyoous livin mai lif. Huh.

Bein Distractyoolaytid wen Writin

Musashi Sez:

Peeples offin aks me how I deelz wift distrak- yoolayshun wen I ar writin. The ansr is that I doez it veree well, thx alot. Yu kin tell cuz the lastest blog I writid, I started to writ about Occuyoopai Sesame Street an I endid up writin about limbr supports an shiatsu an lik that.

Woops!

Mai frend, Pamlr, wuz telling mai mom about how she deel wift distract- yoolayshun wen she is writin. She go Online and luk fer kittee videos. This a verree yoosful kinda whut we callz in the biznis, “Constructiv Perkastinayshun.” Whil she is watchin the kittees pounsin on the doggeez or rollin downstayrz lik a slinkee, she is havin giggulz an gud positiv feelinz, an letting her brayn musselz relax. Then she kin go back to her writin.

I yooz a simlr techneek, egsept that I am the one whu has to do the pounsin—-moslee on mom, but somtimz I leeps! ovr my box an runs awae. Verree fun. I reckamend it to aneeboddee whu is lukin to perkastinayt about theyr writin wen they has ben distractyoolaytid.

Occyoopai Sesame Street Et Setera

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I wuz goin to writ about that Occyoopai Sesame Street thin, but then mai mom gottid a verree bad cold, so I am goin to writ about that instead. She keep goin, “Corf, corf, corf. Krshneezl! Honk!” This is not so mutch fun to lissen to, as it tern out. (In part cuz it soun to me mor lik the woof of a Cheewowa, that ar sillee-lookin doggeez at the bestest of timz.) Aneewae, she ar sik, an I has the responsbabilitlee of halpin her, if I can.

I offrd to mayk Tea, but parentlee that reqwir thumz. An I offrd to gets her orinj joos frum the stor, but that reqwir goin outsid wher all them big noyzee carz an truks ar, an also havin pockits fer monee, an lik that.

So moslee I has jus ben ovrseein. This meen sleepin on her ankulz, an givin her kittee shiatsu, cuz ther ar som powrful poynts on the feemr bon that kin halp wift the immyoon systim. An wen she goez to the kitchin, I follrs her ther, an wen she goes to the baftroom I follrs her ther an mayk shur she gits back to bed sayf. Aslo, I gives her kittee shiatsu on her limber supports, which ar the spynl stuffs that keeps her uprigt.

An then I naps on her nee whil she sleepin, becuz if yu has got cold, yu needs to has warm neez. Huh. Probabul that why she gottid sik in firtst plays, from havin cold nees in San Fransisko, wiftout me bein ther to keep them warm.

Som Thangksgivinz to Ceiling Cat

Musashi Sez:

Wull, mai mom FYNLEE got bak frum her big ol’ confrens in San Fransisco in Californyr, an I has to say, wull. it shur took long enugf!!!

She sez she wuz all plitikul an theolojikul an lik that, but maynlee, I’m thingkin that she tukt a vakayshun wiftout invytin me along. Shur, she SED that the Hilton Hotel didn’t hav littr boxiz in their roomz, an that they gets verree antsee if yu aksks them about their a-komo-day-shunz fer Non-Hoomin-Peeplez.

But I thingks mebbe she wuz jus tryin to get out of depooperaytin MAI littr box. Huh. An whut kinda mom is that, I asks yu?

Harrumph.

But she did com bak. An the firstist thin she don wuz to cleen up mai waddr fountin so I cud dringk frum it properlee. The secondist thin wuz she depooperayted my pooperatyr. So mebbee I wuz wrong. Mebbee this whol content an contakt thin, which mai granpa talk about, has gots som legs unner it

Mebbee.

An the thridst thin she did wuz to nap wift me fer, lik, three or for whol hourz. So, yu noe, mebbe she the mom-typ-person whu I has ben egspektin her to be.

Egsept she not ovr-feedin me AT ALL. She hasn’t wuns sed in the last 7 or 8 hourz how she kin see mai ribz frum ther.

So I jus dunno…

Report frum Calrfornya

Musashi Sez:

So this past weekend, mai mom wuz in Calrfornya at this meetin wift 10,000 hoomin peeplez at it whu talks about relijunz. I asksd her how much is that an she sed, “Lots. Lik, one, two, Many, LOTS,” so we just goin to tayk her werd fer it.

I askd her whut they wuz sayin about Ceiling Cat ther, an she gottid all shiftee, if yu wants mai opinyun (which yu cleerlee do cuz yu’r reedin mai blog).

“Wull,” she sed, “I didn’t get to go to anee of the talks about Relijun an Aminulz… See, I hadsta werk Thersdae, so I hadsta travul on Fridae, wen they wuz havin a few of them. An then this Occyupai march caym up an I hadsta go to that, cuz it wuz Histree, an how offin doez yu gets to do that?”

An of cors, I not has a ansr fer that one. But I asksd, “Wull, but aftr that ther musta ben somthin, rigt?”

“Wull, I had intended to go to one about ‘Thinkin Aminulz an Relijun, Rethinkin Ethiks,’ but then theez faymus theolojunz, Joerg Rieger and Rita Brock—yu rememembrer sleepin on their books—“

“Huh,” I sez. “Yus, I remembrer.”

“Wull, they wer doin a talk on the Occyupai stuffs, an aftr the march—Hey, did I tell yu that Rita Brock lendid me her umbrellr?”

“No, but I wundred why yu left me it, sins I not evr go out egsept to see that vet person in Jooly.”

“I fergots it. Aneewae, they wer talkin about how mebbe we cud Occyupai the Univertsitee, an that the kinda conversayshun I not egspektid to hav heer, so I wentid to that insted.”

“Huh. I spoz,” sed I, but moslee cuz mom reellee noe how to speek my langwudj. “Still,” I aksd, “whut they sayin about Ceiling Cat? I noe ther lotsa innerfayth dialogz, so I figgrd ther wud be lotsa kittee peeplez ther givin talks.”

“Wull, ther a langwudj difficultee, yu noe. Lotsa theolojunz speeks Germin and Frentch an Greek, and I herd som speeking Japaneez an Chineez, but I’m pertee rayr bein somboddee whu flooent in LOLcat.”

“That predjudis.”

“Wull, kinda. But they sez heer that the academee moov reellee slow.”

“They turtulz?”

“Not egzaktlee. Altho ther ar rezemblez heer an ther. But maynlee it seem not so eezee to sugjest a noo groop fer studee, lik, sae, Innerspeesheez Conversayshunz, or Ceiling Cat in Poplr Relijus Imajinayshun.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. That whut I thogt.”

An of cors, it onlee mai mom’s ferst yeer goin to this thin, so ther no wae all them big toms is goin to listen to her even if she caterwaul about it, so I gess I’m jus goin to has to wayt.

But, huh. So mutch fer divertsitee.

Sayvin Evrboddee, But How? An Whu?

Musashi Sez:

Mai mom is reedin buks on evolooshun on that Jeezus fellr whu sposta be Ceiling Cat’s son, com to sayv the werld. Huh. Not likelee. No wae a hoomin cud sayv aminalz, not wift all the nastee stuff hoomins do to aminal peoples. (Altho not mai mom. She jenrullee pertee gud.)

Them othr hoominz nevr considerayt that us aminal peeples gots our own sayvyorz. The sqwirrl peeples got theirz, whu com lotsa hundrids of yeers ago, befor the hoomins cuttid down the treez fer them stoopid farmz an factreez. The cowz gotst one, probabul in Indyer, cuz eevn the hoominz respekt cowz in Indyer.

Problee eevin the Hoya! has one, but I not speek Plant flooentlee, so I cant ask mai littul brothr, Ernie, the Hoya! Bert got moovd to mai mom’s desk at MIT, cuz I wuz yoozin him fer dentul floss. (Tern out, he wuzn’t aspragrus-flayvrd aftr all.) Mom sez he ar adjustin nyslee to livin wiftout eethr direct sunligt or, as it happun, kittee peeples lik me. But this wuz a cleer lessn on how jus cuz somboddee is a diffrint speesheez doeznt meen he or she or whatevr aint got som rigts. Huh.

An of cors, us kitteez got Happy Cat, an of cors he is sayvin us in lif aftr lif, cuz we does gets in trubbul reglar, but it not lik ther anee point talking him up to membrz of othr speesheez, or whut Mom call “proseltyzin.” I cud talk till I’m pink in the fays lik mom, but that isn’t goin to get mai bruthr Ernie a Tenfth Lif. Huh.

But fer them them OTHR hoominz to jus ASSOOM that jus cuz we don’t talks abowt our sayvyorz to THEM we isn’t got them is jus insultin.

Mom Says:

Hmm. But we have been waiting about 2000 years for Jesus to come back like he said he would. What if he’s spent all that time becoming squirrels and hoyas and cats and like that, to save all those species one at a time? That would take lots and lots of time…

Musashi Sez:

You is being anthraxpolcentrix agen. Huh. Yu thingks that jus cuz yu folk has thumbs that moov conveenyentlee, that mayk yu Mastrz of the Yooneevers. Huh. Not likelee.

Mom Says:

You mean anthropocentric, and yes, but I am working very hard at becoming, um, biocentric? geocentric? biogeocentric? Words are hard!

Musashi Sez:

You gotst that rigt!

Hulloween Skayreez!!!

Musashi Sez:

Wull, todae is Hulloween, when gosts and umpires an othr skaree typs jumps out from behind bushiz an cowchiz an yells, “Hullo!”

Mai mom wentid to costoom parteez on Satrdae, dressd as a Scottish vampyr, which meant she looked lik me wayrin a pladd vest. But her vest is too big fer me (an also kinda loud), so I jus go as a Vampyr. When I rollz upsid down, yu kin see mai skayree fangz.

Hullo!

(Yu skayrd yet? Hnrf, hnrf, hnrf!)

Mom Says:

For those of you who don’t speak Musashese, that is the sound of a smartypants laughing. Also, you should know that this photo is actually of Musashi himself, not a cat-fang model or a cheezactr. Photo by ©Michelle Peoples 2011.

Mai Noo Littul Brothrz

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I am now offishlee a Big Brothr. Mai Mom’s frend, Mandr, jus adopted 2 plants to Mom, a fuzzee lookin fern an a hoya! Mom wuz goin to call the fern Fred an the hoya! Harriet, but then she desydid that Bert an Ernie wud be eezier to rememembr.

She sed I am goin to haz lotsa sponsabiliteez now, remyndin her to feed an wadder them. I aksed her whut plants eet, and she was tellin me about this cycle, an us breethin, an somthin calld See-Otoo, which soun lik that shinee gold fellr in the Star Warz moovee. Parintlee, plants eet robots.

Hmm. Mebbe I misundrstandid. I will tayk a nap on the cyklerpeedier tomorrer and see if I can’t sort it out that way. But that not eevn the most confuzzlin thin that I ben thingkin about wift regard to mai straynj noo leefee-greenee brothrz.

See, I thingk Mandr toldid mai mom the rong naym fer one of them plants. Okay, the hoya! look lik it soun. But the aspragrus fern? Huh. Mai mom eets lotsa that weerd aspragrus, an it not luk lik Bert. It luk lik Zibit A. Googul sez that fernz look lik Zibit B. Whut we gots luk mor like Zibit C.

Sleepin An Waykin an Lik That

Musashi Sez:

Somtimz mai mom has trubbl sleepin, an she wants me to settul down on her nee lik I allus do, but more qwiklier. I thingks that she is moslee in need of mai purrin. So yah, I purrs fer her, cuz hey, she buy mai littr an fud an moussee toyz. This is somthin them biznis stoodints call “sinnerjee.”

Aneewae, I not alwaez shur when she is havin trubbul sleepin or when she simplee has wokd up an is considrin veree deeplee the meenin of lyf or possibul whether it is tim to go to the baftroom. So moslee I aksks, espeshullee if it ar aftr 5:00 o’clock in the mornin, when is a gud tim to be waykin up, from mai opinyun, if not frum herz.

Moslee, she pat me on the hed an nod orf agen. Somtimz she mumbl, “Musashi, yu sutch a good boy. Why yu wayks me ZZZZZnorgfff…?”

An yu gotta admit, ther no reel ansr fer that.

So I jus pats her on the fays or on the arm until she wayk up enugf to say somthin helpful lik, “Mebbe we shud checks yer fud dish, Musashi!”

Which, as long as it not follrd immeedyatlee wift a “ZZZZZnorgfff,” is the start of a verree gud dae indeedy. An if that don’t work, I kin allus wait a few more hours fer her alarm to go off. That allus get her owt of bed in a hurree!

Sooprman’z Dillemma

Musashi Sez:

Mai granpa sed somthin funnee to mai mom todae, about how Mistr Sooprman hasn’t got anee plays to chaynj his clothez now that all of them ol-fashund telefon boofts has gon awae. Mom sez mebbe he shud chaynj in them ATM closits.

I thingk they’r not lookin at the reel problim, which ar clothez. Hoomin peeples got this crayzee thing about wayrin all theez diffrint clothez all the tim, eevn tho clothez is egspensiv. They shud wayr fur insted. Yu nevr has to chaynj it, an it lick cleen verree eezy.

Of cors, hoomin peeples not hav sutch gud tongz fer lickin, so mebbee they will need to get big brushiz lik the one mom yooz on me somtimez. But thingk how much monnee they cud sayv an then they cud spend it on mor importint stuffs lik jingl ballz an catnip moussees. Huh.

Diffrints Fuds

Musashi Sez:

Hallo, hoomin an othr peeple Fanz! I is heer todae to celrbrayt “chikin an turkee” kinda fud. Mai mom was feedin me toonr fud, but she wuz getting nervus about how mutch merkree ther is in fish, cuz ‘parentlee, them fisheez yooz them ol’fashund merkree thermometrz wen they is sik, and this leed to bad stuffs, the deetaylz of which ar confuzzlin to me.

But ANYwhoo, mai mom has ben getting me nue fuds: chikin an turkee an stuffs lik that. All this is bringin me bak to mai orijnal feelyn hairy-tij. Wen I eetz it, I remembrz how my ansestr kitteez fougt on the savannr wift them chikinz, an turkeez an salminz.

Huh. Jus the memree alon mayk me feel lik a skaree, advenchursum fellr!

So I am OK wift the ideer of shiftin to a nue fud. Turnz out, iz verree hip to trai nue thins!

Paws, Softball Batz, an Jenrul Giltee

Musashi Sez:

Recentlee, Mom has ben havin the crankee. She sez it ar becuz of me pattin her on the arm or fays or jumpin on her livr. She sez that it wud be wun thing if I did this at 7:30 a.m. on the dayz wen she haz gotta get up early (Mundae, Toozdae, Thirdsdae, an Frydae), which jus so happen to be mai daez orf. She thingk that mai workdaez, Wenzdae an Saturndae, partiklee at 5:17 in the mornin, shuld be much mor qwietr than they ar (Also, she a bit jellis that I onlee werks 2 daez and she hafta werk 5 daez.)

Forchoonatlee, Sundaez is both of us’s dae of rest an baythin an homwerks. So she reeds an reeds and reeds, an I spends the saym tim maykin shur that my chest an sholders an arms and pawz is cleen. Then I mayk shur that mai tummee an bak ar cleen. She watchiz me cleen maisalf inbtween her reedin. She sez yoosful stuffs lik, “Huh, yu missd a spot, Musashi” or “Aw, yu so cyoot, Musashi,” liks yu wud egspeckt a mothr-typ-persin to do. An somtim she muttr, “Huh, how com yu not so cyoot an qwiet at 5-30 o’clok in the mornin?”

An I doesn’t say nothin, cuz she reellee need to fokis on her homwerk, but I is thingkin verree hard about this fellr namd “Simin’s Kittee.” He is a moovee star!!! His hoomin persin has his own websyt to tell all about him, jus lik that faymusest kittee in Japan, naymed Maru. Yu kin find him an his firstest moovee at http://www.simonscat.com/Films/Cat-Man-Do/

Autum Eekwinox, Soopervyzin, an Lik That

Musashi Sez:

So of cors, me an my mum did the Eekwinox dans on Friday the 23rds, cuz we hadsta welcom the noo seezon as bestest we cud, an that tend to meen dansin, wen mai mom is consernd. Huh. She ligt a candul an pik me up an we dansiz. Huh. Az if kittee peeplez dans. Not eevn. But she is mutch biggerer than me, so I goez along wift it.

Reluktintlee.

Meenwhil, we has hads the eksytmint this past week or so an no mistayk!!!

Firstest ther wuz this verree annoyin rush of wattr in the baftroom, from lik seelin to flor. Then Mom shuttid me in her rum wen them plummbererz com to fix it. Then I got free fer a whil an then she shuttid me in agen, cuz the plastrer caym, but my othr room-ayte had lettid me out an this plastr fellr, Enriko, wuz verree cayrful not to let me get neer the dor. Huh. Jus as wel, tho. Ther is not toyz an treets an blankeez in our partmint lobbee.

Hom is better. Eevn if ther ar plastr dust all ovr the baftroom flor. An then Mom wuz hom ovrr weekend an she mopt the baftroom to mayk the plastr dust go awae. I mayd shur to be ther to sooprvyz, an yu noez, mayk shur she gottid all the spots. But wen I went bak to luk, it tern out that she miss a big spot! As big as ME!

So I toldid her that, nex tym, I wud sooprvys the saym, but I wud bring mai clipbord, so I cud chek thinz off. She sed (an I qwotz), “Huh. Then I’ll leev a spot exactlee as big as yu AN yur clipbord.”

I told her that not mayk sens. She sez, “Yu sit an thingk about it. Yu figgr it out evetchoolee, I noez yu will.”

Noer an Hiz ol’ Ark

Musashi Sez:

So my mom haz ben talkin about this gy Noer laytlee.

Akshulee I haz to go bak. Roun about 2 yeer ago, we writid a verzhun of the Jenisisis creayshun storee. This wuz Septembir 2009. Wull now mai mom is taykin a clas on Ceiling Cat and Creayshun, an also enviromentul ethiks. So she mentchun to her frend at skool that we haz writid this verzhun of the storee wift them dynosorz an the Glaysher Ayj (that wun wift all the ais an sno). This mayk her happee and it maydid her frend an her frend’z son happee, cuz that whol Ais-Ayj an dynosor-thing wuz not in the orijinul skript, as it tern owt. So it seem like that Bybul need to be updaytid. Huh.

So todae I is doin som mor of this theolojikul reeflekshun, this tim about Noer. Cuz altho we noez that some vegtabbulz automatiklee gets considered importint, aminal peeplez not alwaez get sutch rekognishun.

An heer’z whut I thingks. I's gonna let mai mom tranzlayt mai thingkin so everboddee unnerstandz it.

Mom Sez:

According to Musashi, one of the major problems of the story of Noah and the Ark is that they din’t mayk accommodations for…well…everybody’s poop. Musashi figures that there must have been a Poop Barge. Apparently, somehow the wasps, hummingbirds, chipmonks, rabbits, sheep, cows, hippopotamice, and elepfunts are all going to walk along a very nerrow rope between the Ark and the Barge, so as to get to their litter boxes.

Microscopic litter boxes, small litter boxes, medium, large, extra large, and elephuntyn litter boxes…

You get the picture.

And oh, yes, they all walk back across the rope back to the Ark.

Yeah, whut yer problim wift that?

Bein the Bizziest Kitee

Musashi Sez:

Wull, todae I wuz bizzee an no jok. I playd soccr wift my mom (an she winnd, but only cuz I kept hittin the ball undr the bookcays, an gottid fowlz). Then I tooked a nap, but wift verree seeryus marchin aroun to mayk shur it wuz sayf an stuff.

Fynlee, mom caym hom, but then she started cleenin agin, lik no tomorrer! Then this cyut Russhin laydee caym an lookt at all the roomz. We think she migt stay.

But I gotta say, I iz enormusslee egzawtstid. Huh. I will probabul sleep all mornin now. Aftr, of cors, sleepin all nigt. Natchuralee.

Kleenin Up Them ArftrMaths

Musashi/Octavian Sez:

Now that our writr bunneez has had tim to lee-ay-zon wift M in Londin, we kin now updayt yu on the stayt of affayrz in sothern Frans, wher we leftid our hero (whu is kinda me) an mai frendz. But ther is lotsa tecknikul detail an I am jus now recovrin from dansin Conga to “Copacabana” fer the las 10 monfts!!! (This whut happinz wen yer writrz go off an joynz a cult. Huh.) So we’r goin to let Mom/Narraytr Gal, yu noe, narrayts.

Narrator Says:

Actually, Octavian has it backwards. In fact, on September 25, when the folks at the inn started dancing the conga line to the communal frenzied singing of the “Copacabana,” a whol dae after the dans began, our entir pool of writer bunneez hared off to join a cult of rabbit Krishnas in Nebraska, U.S., leeving our heroz, some villains and several dozen arguably innocent frentch citizens and internashunl toorists locked in a 10-monft long temperospatial claudication.

Wift som halp frum the Archaik Ordr of the Librariunz of Alekzandria, M16 wuz able to modify the memoreez of the participants and their naybrz so that they all beleevz they watchd an eg-skroshi-aytin 4-hour long “So Yu Thingk Yu Kin Dans.”

Durin the 9-hour gap between freeing the bunneez an getting to the inn down in sothern Franz, however, the Jamaykin band disapeerd mysteeryuslee. The Libraryunz ar followin up on that end whil M16 werkz on de breefin its agents an their assosiyutz.

A grayt deel of nappin is goin on sins M chewd out Octavian fer messin up a mishun that had been 9 monfts in the maykin. Mos of this nappin is goin on in a (rathr crwdid) dog hous behind a Londin apartmint rentid out near Diagon Alley. Verree lo rent.

But yu din’t heer that frum me.

Bakgrown Reesertch

Musashi Sez:

Accordin to my Mom-—er, Watchr—-we findid this stuffs out abowt our so-calld “Hare-Krishnr” emeneez. Turnz out, they wuzn’t the Reellee Reel Hare Krishnas at all, whu has no connexion wift bunneez. This compound we raydid hadsd nothin to do wift actual rabbit types. Go figger. An them old tomez that Mom keeps on her shalvz told us lots about the bad gyz we wuz figtin (so it turnd out gud that I hadsd to go hom fer my vizit to the vet, cuz I gotst the insyd skup on the fansee bakgrown reesertch! Huh!). The ol buks tol us that:

The Bunny Cult traces its beginnings to the Viking raids of Ireland in the 8th century. Wily rabbits from Trondheim smuggled themselves aboard the outgoing longboats, and alighted on Irish shores slightly nauseous but up for some fun. St. Patrick may have driven all the snakes out of Ireland in the mid-400s, but no one felt much like carrying on the tradition and the Bunnies were allowed to stay.

Wuns we wuz knowin that, we cud tayk them down wift tayzrs an judo an lik that, hah, wiftout havin to worree about mistikul backlash.

The Ancient and Honourable Bunny Cult. 22 June 2011. Web.

Mai Kittee Trahmr/How Thinz Egsplodid Then

Musashi Sez:

So the rescyoo mishun wuz ackomplisht, although I had to go hom in the middul to has mai anyual vizit to the vet. I lik the vet. Her offis has lotsa innersting smells. I eevn lay on the flor an cleend my pawz fer awhile, which surprizd the vet. She sed that kitteez don’t do that mutch, but I am a totallee nonchalant kittee, in the offis at leest. Not the trayn. I NOT lik the trayn. Not not not! It is noizee an trahmattik.

Aneewae, by the tim I gots bak to Nabraska, we hads the Hare Krishna compound suroundid. We put on our ninjr soots an grabbed ou flowr bookays fer camoflage an went in armd fer bunnee.

Our leedr wuz a straynj littul bald gy wift a speech impidimint. Wen the Hare Krishnas saw our amayzin flowrz, they all stoppd whut they wuz doin an caym ovr to sniff. I grabbd my gy an putted him in a full Mason-Dixon, an he kickd lik a kangaroo. I din’t see mutch of whut wuz happinin wift the other ninjr SWAT gyz cuz it wus all I cud do not to let him get awae or, possibutl, disembowl me.

The writr bunneez wuz so graytful to us fer halpin lberayt them, they offerd me a gest star spot on their spy bog, but I sed I’d hav to nap fer a monft or 2 before I cud eevn think about it. Turnz out them akshun mooveez is mutch hardr werk than they looks.

The Thrid Escape

Musashi Sez:

Wull we ben verree bizzee in the las 30 owrz or so, altho yu migts not be aybul to tell. Moslee, it wuz me, Musashi, bein bizzee wift the hollecoptrz an stuff, landin at the higest poynt of the compond of them Hare Krirshnrz whut kitten-napt all them bunneez frum mai buddee, Octavian’s writr pool (the one wiftout the akshul green waddr).

So, yah, we landed on the rooftop an then, cuz it wuz all too mutch fer me wift the noiz an the egsytmint, I went into a 15 minit cays of whut we kitteez call “compozhur groomin” an then I falld asleep fer hors an hors.

But the gud nooz is that, wen I finlee wokd up, mai spy buddeez frum the holicptr wuz reddee to rol

The Sekind Excayp

Musashi Sez:

TEXT to MOMSU: “Wull, this hav ben a verree straynj cupla daez. First, on Toozdae, Mildird an Henree gots awae in a offirs chayr. Then Iodyn gotst caugt. Then Roofus started a Ordr of Holee Suburbin Rabbitst an Tygrz, an they challinjd the Hare Krshnaz to a dool. An that reellee dint go well fer anneebodee, altho ther wuz som fun watchin the lansiz shin in the sun.”

Akshul MUSashI messijin: Oboy, this hollociptr thin is maykin me feel lik barfin mai hairballz on somboddee’z feets. We has ben scirklin roun abov the Hare Krshnr’s compound fer lik all dae, an I is soopr dizzee. Ther wer another braykout arroun noon. I gess the fud isn’t too gud.

Meanwhil, we has called in the Nooz Corp, but they has ben verree bizzee wift a flood. That okay. We kin wayt a dae or too.

The Firsts Excayp

Musashi Sez:

Wull, collr me blond! Heer I iz, lernin about mai altr eego, Octayvian’z, werld. An it tern out to be daynjerus an skayree an verree classee, whitch not mayk mutch sens to me.

But, as they sez in the buks, I had bettr go bak.

Mom an me hadz ben getting theez straynj poscards frum, we thinkd, bunneez in trubbul. So we sent a messij to our frendz in Inglund, whu is so gud at the straynj stuffs. An we getst bak a messij that I—me—Musashi!— had to perpayr fer HelloCoptr fligt—an mai Mom hadsd to do resertch an develipmint an lik that. All this wuz pertee skaree fer us boft, cuz we onlee do the duo thin, wift eetch othr, not wift spaiz an them.

An meanwhil, durin this skaree tim, we gets yet a nuthr poscard, whut sez:

HOP! Mildird an Henree gots out on a delux chayr-thin, wift weelz. Iodyn gotst caugt an we is reddee to riot to gets her owt. We neeeedz 8. We gastaaa--

Doin the Teknoledjee Thin

Musashi Sez:

Wull, so we has Sekyoori-Textid® Ayjint 8 an his Boss, M. They has not gottid bak to us yet. We thinks that eethr 1) they is bizzee getting 8 out from his trubbul, 2) they is havin lots of them chikkintaylz wift the littul umbrellrz in them at formul settins, or possibul 3) they has not ben chekkin their emaylz laytlee.

So. Now me an mom, an also Mistr Tygr, my wrastlin cotch, an Octo-Moussee, an lik that, has got to simplee sayv the Bunnee Writrz ourselves.

Huh.

A Nuthr Nominous Poscard!

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I gettid a nuthr straynj nominous poscard todae. The writin wuz tinee, so it wuz hard to reed, but this whut it sed:

Reelleee needz 8. This flowr thin gettin old. If I nevr sees eppley agen it wae too soon. Bugzy mayd brayk yestrdae an he got caugtid. Neezdz owtsid halp. Also, orinj ain’t mai colr. Bring carrits an mebbee holecoptr. Ktxbai.

I has to sae I’z stumpt. But I’m thinking bout this 8 thin. I’m wondrin if theez folx think I’m Octavian, my altr eego, the spy kittee whu nobuddee has ben herein frum fer lik monfts an monfts. This may be tim fer me an Mom to call that M laydee whut 8 yoosto speek so highlee of. Yus.

An also we ar gonna need som seeryus theeem myoozik

Fathrz Dae an Tiez

Musashi Sez:

Wull, it turn out that yestrdae wuz Fathrz Dae, an I not noez it until I heerz mai mom on the phon wift mai granpa. I not has a fathr, so I iz dedikaytin this blog to mai granpa, cuz he iz whut yu wud call one of mai mayl roll modulz. This meen I lern stuff from him lik spellin an bein personobbul.

I also has lernd from him that bizniss is verree trikee, an I shud problee stik to the arts an sho bizniss an lik that. Espeshlee cuz I wud look pertee stoopid in one of them nektiz.

I mutch mor a whit tie an cucumberbund kinda gy.

All That Julee Myoozik

Musashi Sez:

So theez past fyoo daez, mai mom haz ben singin funnee myoozik, wift leeriks lik, “Shal 2 nigts nevr tilt fer me, an let their blud be spilt fer me: O wher ar a maydinz simpl joyz?”

This, I has to sae, confuzzlz me. How kin a nigt has blud to split? An I has herd of this mideevil tilting an jousting typ stuff, but whut that got to do wift dae an nigt?

An why she worreein about this now? I meen, itz Joon, fer cryin out lowd. Whut is it about the treez flowrin and the bugz buggin an lik that which seem to eelissit sutch a straynj re-akshun frum her?

She SEZ that it is about this “Unleeshin Our Voysiz” class that she is taykin. That she has ben lik a doggee, barkin wift a verree low voys indeedy, fer, lik, evr. An hoomin gyz ar not gud at tranzlaytin that into “I iz a verree lovlee laydee, harrumph.” An also, she sez, singing only 1 octave at a tim is a reel drag.

Wull, I not totallee get the whol gy thing, cuz altho I iz a gy, that whol hoomin cultchur thing is a BIG MISTREE. But I doz get that, yu noe, wen yu is on the bak fens, singin yer hart out, it is verree nys if a fyoo peeplez unnerstan, an mebbe sheds a teer or joinz in wift the singin.

An I suspex that ther iz lotsa kitteez whu needs their voysiz to be unleeshd, or at leest temporirarilee uncollared. An mai Mom I is jus egzaktlee the kinda person whu, whethr yu iz hoomin or non-hoomin, she don’t cayr, cuz she jus wanna heer yer voys. It don’t matter whether yu identify wift peeplz whu moslee showz their skin or moslee showz their furr: she sez, whut if yer God hadz the furr? Whut if yer God luk egzaktlee lik yu?

AND (this the hard part)

Whut if yer God lookt lik yer predator?

A Nominous Poskard

Musashi Sez:

Wull todae I gottid a nominous poskard frum Nabraksa, which is somplays in Merika. It wuz writid in crayon so whuevr cudnt writ mutch. It sed, “Wer braykin out. Cud yooz halp. Send 8 an say sorree.”

Send 8 whut? Cupcayks? Swiss Armee Nivz? An send them wher?

Iz verree misteeryus…

Stalkin the Liddul Blak Horsies

Musashi Sez:

So mai mom ben sleepin reellee bad in the heet an then weerd stuffs happin in her hed. See, ther ar theez liddul blak horsies whu com an rid aroun on her pillo in the erlee mornin wen it’s uzual jus me an the birdeez outsid singin. They ar outsid. I am a indoor kittee. But now that mom has the Nigt Mayrz, I has to be up an doin in a sereeyus wae, doin the Hokee-Pokee on them horsies’s heds, an pattin mom on arm to mayks her feel betterer, an then beetin the pillo agen to mayk shur ther no horsies left.

It is a veree sereeyus pozishun. It mayk me so tired I has to sleep all dae to get my Vim bak. But sins I moslee sleeps all dae aneewae, I is purfict fer the job.

Nombrz, Lots of Them

Musashi Sez:

So todae my Gramma an Granpa has ben mareed fer, lik, 49 yeerz!!!

Mom an me puttid our fingrz an toez togethr an we still cudn’t get all thoz yeerz. We onlee gottid about 27 or 28. But then Mom’s frend Eljay comd ovr to halp wift the cleenin an we borro’d all of her fingrz an a cupla her toez

So now I noe how manee is 49. An also the kitchin an baftroom is veree shinee.

LOV

MUSASHI

Anothr Richool

Musashi Sez:

So yestrdae we did anothr of them end-of-spring richoolz. Mom shovvuld all the payprz off the dining rooom taybul an puts them on the carpit in lotsa littul pylz: skool, billz, re-syklin, an the tallest pyl, calld missulaynius. This a veree importinit richool, which bring order, gud luk, an lik that, to folks whu doez it.

Natchrullee, I halped, by lyin an one of them pylz, which was lookin shiftee. But I puttid that rigt. Huh.

Whut yu folks NOT perpayrd fer is mai gran-folks 49th annrverseraree.

That is comin reel soon, so get reddeee.

MUSASHI

End-of-Spring Richoolz

Musashi Sez:

Todae is the beginning of the end of spring. So this lik the 12 Daez of Crismuss fer the befor-summr crowd.

Fer instins, I sillee-braytid this mornin at Sun-Riz* by dansin the Hokee-Pokee on mai Mom’z hed. She wuz veree gud about the whol thin, cuz she unnerstan richoolz. Parentlee, the Hokee-Pokee orijinaytid from this Ceiling Cat servis-thin frum the Middul Ayjiz, wen they sedz, “Hokee-pokee, heer com Jeezus.” An the peeplz whu wuz bizee prayin ther lookt up to see.

This is tru. I noe cuz mai mom tookt a class about Ceiling Cat Richoolz wift this gy Rick McCall, an I sleepd on her books.

So if yu gits a chans tomorrer morning, yu noez whut yu needz to do: Yu puts yer lef paw in, yu tayks yer lef paw owt, yu puts yer rigt paw in an yu shayks it all about. An lik that. Wift all yer paws, an yer hed, an eerz, an tayl.

Then it’s offishul the beginnin of the end of spring.

*Aroun egzaktlee 4:37 a.m.

Cinco de Meow, an Othr Stuffs

Musashi Sez:

Wull the dae afor yestrdae wuz Cinco de Meow, the dae wen, if yu livs in Meksiko, yu’r sposta be all graytful fer yer 9 lives. An yu eets cookeez wift skellingtons on them. I thingk it the heet that they gets in Meksiko that mayks them eet skellington cookeez. It make them stretch out egstra doorin their siestas and their brains gets a littul meltee.

Meenwhil, mai mom is workin on a noo projekt, this one on eekologee. This is lik how she com hom havin learnd about the Grayt Pasifik Garbudg Patch an she sez, “Eeek eek, hoominz is jus bad peepulz!!!!” An then I has to talk her down.

Then, wen she gets a littul calmr, she scoop me up an hug me an puts her noez aginst my tummee an muttrs about how I’m her buddee an she will sayv the werld fer me, an lik that.

Som daez is hardr werk than othrz, bein a kittee, that’s all I’m sayin.

Aneewae, I incuridgez her to werk on her eekolojee projekt, as it migt mayk her less scayrd of hoomin peepulz. I NOT wants her scardypants of hoominz. Hoominz is the peepulz what mayks kittee fud, an littr, and moussee toyz an lik that. So I werks to let her gets mor curridge.

Eevn if it meen she squeez me an talks to my tummee…. Huh!

Egg Salad…Huh!

Musashi Sez:

OK! So fer the big ol’ Eastr partee at her pastr/minstr’s hous, Mom mayded Baysmint Cat Eggs. The stuffs she hadsd left ovr, she callzd ”the fixins” of ‘egg salad.’”

Huh!

Yuh, I noez. “Egg” salad. So, lik, I bet she goin to tell me that them littul eggz, wayrin them littul ayprunz, wuz the wunz whu maydid the salad, perzoomabul out of chickinz an mayonayz-peeplz an lik that (whu also perzoomabul wor littul ayprunz).

Huh. Lik I faalz fer that!

Cleerlee, ther iz onliest green salad, whut yu kin trust.

Goets an The Cheez They Mayks

Musashi Sez:

Wull, tonigt mai mom mayd this funnee salad that had spinch an orxo an “goet cheez” and stuffs. I sed, “Whut? They mayks cheez outa goets? That uber-yuckee!”

But she sed, “NO! The goets mayk the cheez themselfs. They wayr littul ayprunz an churn the milk til it turns into cheez. Ther is eevn ‘enzymz’ involvd.”

Huh. She sez this, but I not convinsd. I googld fer piktchrz of goetz wayrin aprunz an I not find anee! An jus a littul whil ago we findid 110,000 goolgl thingies fer “dam yu, jack frost.”

So I not taystin her stranj salad.

Yu noe. Jus in cays…

Myoozik Revyoo

Musashi Sez:

Wull, mai mom has almost recovrd frum singin in front of lots of peeples. She didsd a gud job, from whut I has herd. I also got to see the recordin of her veree seeryus paypr about Ceiling Cat an his son Happy Cat an that othr fellr whu is eethr Hover Cat, or, possibul, a berd.

Ckristiantee is a verree confuzzlin reelijun.

Still, I iz prowd of her fer bein brayv an also fer getting hom frum it all before 1:00 in the mornin to feed me mai dinnr. She wuzn’t egzaktlee all perkee an reddee to plae wift the layzr poyntr lik I wuz, but yu can’t has evrthin.

I also thangks the hoomin, Pippa, fer singin wift mai mom, cuz she wudda lukt pertee stoopid singin half the song by herself, lik that old Caturdae Nigt Liv show wift the Pips but no Gladdis. Huh.