Monday, December 29, 2008

Loshun a Kittee Kin Ignor

Musashi Sez:

Somtimes mom rubs on pretty awful loshun an it smells so bad I has to lick it off her. Only now she dusn’t. She has ben rubbing on this Burt Bee loshun instead. It smells like normal stuff, so I kin ignor it an get on wift the bizness of jumping and leaping and attackling peeple’s toes. An the other gud thing is if I see her rubbing it on, I kin reminds her to giv me mai cat-hair goop so I don’t couff up so many hairballz. I gives it three stars. The loshun, I mean. Also cuz mom likes the compny cuz it's “reesponsibull” or somthin. I let her tells yu, cuz it rekwires way too much spelling.

Mom Explains:

Holy Mackerel, is Burt’s Bees cool or what? They use all natural ingredients in everything they make. They don't test their stuff on animals. And they are working toward using Only Sustainable Packaging. This is abso-bloomin-lutely amazing. Even if all the manufacturers of all the products we used stopped using toxic ingredients (like that will happen in our lifetime) and completely stopped using animals for source "material" and testing "sites," we would still be tossing billions—yes, billions—of tons of non-biodegradable waste into the ground. What a cool company! Check them out at

Musashi Explains Further:

She sounz pretty happy. This is probable the purfect tim to ask fer a treet.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

That Midwinter Nap-thing, and More

Musashi Sez:

OK. So yu hav ben listenin to humin peeple's myoosic for the last 3 or 4 weeeks, an yer brains is mushy. Is natchural. That fa lalala cud make Mister Einstin's brain mushy in a day or 2. I kin help yu wift that. Furst, yu needs to hav a nap. Nappin is the anser to mos thins. Srsly. Sekind, yu needs better myoosic. I'm workin on that. This is Musahsi's Carrol-song TRANSLATION PROJECT. I'm goin to traslayt humin carrol-songs into kittee langwaje: lolcat. It's a differkult projekt, but I'm a perty smartypants kittee. I'm going to start wift "Good King Where'sMySausage" and go on from ther. If yu has sepifsick. no spersepfik, no, spec, no, ERGMeerp Meep MeerUp?.

If ther's a song yu wants tranzlaytid, yu jus e-mail me, OK? Gud.

Mom Explains:

He's not joking, not about the importance of the Nap, not about the importance of Songs. So let us know what you are most interested in hearing translated. Please. Or he'll just make something up.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Musashi's Kristmus Blog

Musashi Sez:

Yesterday is Winter Solstis. It is when we gets done wift the reelly short days an no sun, and when we turns around an has mor sun an less dark. Cleerly, solstis is gud thing. But mai mom has been tryin to explain to me about Kristmus. Apparently, Kristmus is this big deel fer som humin peeples. I asked mom if other, normul peeples (kittees an tigers an cows, an even dogs an mousees) worry so mutch about Kristmus, an she sed, "Well, it dependz." She sez that a lot. I thingk it's cuz she's LIBERAL. That meens she always tries to see, like, ten sides to everything. Somtims, is annoyin.

Anyway, from what I kin unnerstan, about 12 or 15 hundred cat-yeers ago (so like 5000 cat-lifes ago), this humin peeple was born, an his name was either Immanule or mebbe Jeesus. She doesn't noe. This humin was ekspectid by lots of folks, but they ekspectid him to be borned in a big PALACE where kings genrally get borned. If he'd done that, then he wud have been surrounded by lots of other humin peeples, who wud hav lickd his fur, an then mebbe they wud have figgered, "Oh, heer is that humin peeple that Ceiling Cat [mom sez yu calls it God] promissed us. Hoorah!" But it didn't go like that.

Insted, his mom an dad kept tellin the shelters that they needed a place fer his mom to have her litter, but they wudn't help (an mom sez they even unnerstood that she wasn't goin to hav like 4 or 5 kittees, only 1, but they wudn't even give her a space behind the cowch). So his mom an dad had to go to a barn where there was a cow an a donkee an a sheep an there wasn't even a cowch fer his mom to have him behind. I noe this is hard to unnerstand. But mom swears it's true, an she takes stuff like this reel seeriously. So I tends to beleev her.

Anyway, so this Immanule/Jeesus peeple was borned in the barn an these angels, wift humin peeple looks but also wings like berds, came around singin how he was goin to save everybody. An this is where the whole thin gets silly, cuz he's only a humin peeple, an shur, he's got thums, an that's reel helpful, but save the werld? Wift jus thums? I dunno.

An also, I looks at how the werld is these days, wift so many kittees (an yes, even dogs) wiftout homs, an cows crowded at the faktries they werks at, an even the sheeps (an everybody noes how dum sheeps is) crowded at faktries, an the pigs (who are akshully kind of smart) crowded at faktries, an they'r all lettin themselfs get killed by humin peeples, like it's all normal an okay. An it isn't.

Chikkins, yeah, okay, chikkins is dum and we needs to eat them. But reglar animal peeples, who kin figger thins out an feel pain an stuff. That kan't be rite. So I thingk that mom's hero, Immanule/Jeesus, is eether a fake or he jus has a whole lot mor werk to be doin and he shud be gettin on wift it. Mom sez she tries to help, an that's why she buys stuff from ree-sponsi-bull companies. Cuz she sez this Jeesus fella is goin to ask her seerious qwestions later an she wants to be reddy. Cuz if she isn't reddy, then Ceiling Cat will get reelly upset wift her. An that sounds bad.

So I gess I gots to help her. Even if the Kristmus thing don't make sense. Cuz she's mai mom an she brought me hom when I was losted and they had me in the shelter. So it's the leest I kin do. Now if I cud only figger out how to help. Besides tellin her about Ceiling Cat an how cool he is.

Mom Explains:

This is the text of the Scripture I tried to explain to Musashi. It is the LOL Cat Standard Version (LCSV), Luke 2:1-20. [I have made minor changes for clarity.]

Oh Hai, Jebus iz Bornd

1 'Roun dis tiyem, Caesar Augustus wuz like, "I can has cenzus?" 2 ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible census!) 3 And all teh doodz went home for [it] saying, "I is heer!" 4 So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz borned, 'coz David wuz hiz graete-graete gran-daddie. 5 An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married wif him an she was preggerz. 6 When wuz time for teh baybee, 7 it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish, cuz teh innkeeper wuz liek, "No room here, kthxbai!"

Sheep-doodz n Angels
8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring, srsly. 9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!! 10 But teh angel sed, "DONT AFRAID OF ENYTHING! [It] r ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz! 11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! [Is] Christ da Lord! w00t! 12 Iz sign fer u, find da baybee wrapd like burrito in a big fud dish."13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai."

15 An when da angelz go invisible again, sheep-doodz sed, "Sweet, nao we find teh burrito-baybee sayvur!" 16 So dey left da sheeps (sheeps r vry borng) and found Joe an Mary and da baybee in da fud dish. 17 An when dey saw it wuz baybee an not burrito, they told evrywun he wuz kewl. 18 An all teh doodz who herd were lyke, "[N]eat-o burrito!"19 An Mary wuz lyke, "O rly?" 20 Teh sheep-doodz sed, "Yay fer Ceiling Cat! Was not invisible burrito!"

Musashi Sez:

I'z not shur this Bai-bul thing is helpin, but it does say that Ceiling Cat is who to thangk an/or blame, so that is helpin. Anyway, it makes mom an her frends happy an then they gives things to each other and akts nicer. An mom an my roommates is normally pretty nice, but I thingk it helps if they'r remememberin the son of Ceiling Cat bein born in a barn. Mebbe it makes them mor likely to give money to shelters like an similar. So that's mebbe okay. I goin to reed mor of this LCSV buk-thing an gets bak to yu on it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

This "Snow" Biznus

Okay, so this whol snow thin is jus about mor'n I kin unnerstan. I jus keeps luukin out the windo and seein all the whyt stuff everwher. Of cors I gets mom up, an getting her feets owts from unner the blankits isn't eazy, speshully on a Sunday. An then she tells me is natchurl fer snow to be fallin. Is jus winter bein winter.

That's jus reedikyulus.

So I asks her, "Wher does all these clowds com from that they kin fall on our sidewalk? Ther kan't be that many clowds in Massa Chewsitts (that's wher I liv)." An she sez, "Well, they probable com up from the sowth, cuz places like Florida an Texas got lots of extra clowds an mebbe they wants a vaycayshun."

Huh. I spose that makes sens. But still. I tries to climbe up the windo an catch som of these clowd peeces. "FLAKES" mom callz them. But they not com in. Mom sez, "Yah, be glad they not com in. We'd be up to heer in snow an we alreddy up to heer in paper cuz of mai classes." An that's tru. At leest paper is warm, an yu can have nap on it.

Still, somboddy ought to tell snow to go away. Mom sez that's why peeples pray. They say, "Hey, Ceiling Cat! Yu pretty grate. Yu no send mor SNOW now, cuz we alreddy got enougf. Kthxbai." She sez that's what THEOLOGY is fer, so we gots somboddy to blame fer stuff like this. I thingk mebbe she's rigte. So mebbe if everboddy gets up on their windo sills an prays reely hard, Ceiling Cat will send all this stoopid snow somwher else.

Okay. Yu go pray to Ceiling Cat now. Then yu go hav nap.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Mergency Alert!!!

Musashi Sez:

Okay, peeples, yu'r not goin to beleev this: THE WURLD IS TURNIN WHYT!!!

It started happenin befor dinner an at furst I din't notis. Then I luuks owt the windo and the street is whyt an the sidwalk is whyt an humin peeples is runnin in the whyt stuff like in a litter box. Mom sez it's not problim, but it's awful weerd. Mom sez it's cuz owtside is so cold an the clowds in the sky ar full of whyte stuff an somtimes the clowds brake up an fall down. Parently, this only happen in winter cuz the cold makes the clowds hevvy. I bet they don't exersize proppurly when it's cold. Mom sez that's why I'm getting big now.

Anyway I figgered yu all shud noe about this amazin weerd thin. Oh an I almos forgot. Is called "SNOW." See, even srsly weerd name.

Musashi Makes Som Po-et-tree Fer Yu

Musashi Sez:

Okay. I ben thingkin about po-et-tree sinse las time. Mom was tellin me about how yu makes FREE VERSE po-et-trees. Is importint to stop yer lines in the middul of whut yu'r sayin, espeshully so yu kin start a line wift the name of somthin. Also, humin peeples like the vers bits (like paws, exsept fer po-et-tree insted of kittees) to all has the same number of lines. She calls that SYMMETRY, I gess cuz of bein the same. So I decides to make a po-et-tree fer yu. An also to tell yu about the Gypshun peeples. Is lik eetin 2 burds in 1 bowl.

Musashi's Po-et-tree Wift Pyramids In It

I tell yu now of the Gypshun peeples
wise wershippers of kittees
the bilders of pyramids.

Far, far away, fartherer than Texas
is Gypsha, the cuntry of Tut
an Kleopatra, who were pretty speshul

an the Gypshun peeples gave them
toys an shiny stuff an bowls of cool
wadder (cuz Gypsha only has

Nily wadder, an that don’t soun so tasty)
but Tut an Kleo, they gave toys
an shiny stuff an bowls of cool

wadder to kittees. O Bilders of
pyramids, O eeters of moussees
How wise is Tut! How smartypants Kleo!

Okay. I tell yu about the Supfinx anothr tim. This po-et-tree stuff is hardr than it luuk. I go nap now.

Mom Explains:

I was telling Musashi about the Egyptian goddess Bast, or Bastet, and he said, "I noe that. Evrybuddy noe about Ceiling Cat, who hav lots of names. All rodes leed to the top of the buukcase. Tell me about this po-et-tree thin insted. How yu do it?" So I did.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Lern about Po-et-try

Musashi Sez:

So mom sed, “Musashi, do yu noe what po-et-try is?”
An I sed, “No, I don’t. Kin yu eat it?”
An she sed, “Not so much. Yu read it or yu write it. Like spelling.”
An I sed, “Is it like lolcats?”
An she sed, “Sort of, but without the pictures.”
So I sed, “Kin yu show me one fer mai blog?”

So here is a po-et-try about cats. It’s by MARGE PIERCY who is awsum like a cat, an who has lived wift lots of cats, fer years an years, an has wrote lots of po-et-try. She gets 2 stars.

The Cat’s Song

Mine, says the cat, putting out his paw of darkness.
My lover, my toy, my slave, my friend, says
the cat making on your chest his gesture of drawing
milk from his mother’s forgotten breasts.

Let us walk in the woods, says the cat.
I’ll teach you to read the tabloid of scents,
to fade into shadow, wait like a trap, to hunt.
Can you run up and down trees? Jump between roofs?

Let us rub our bodies together and talk of touch.
My emotions are pure as salt crystals and as hard.
My lusts glow in my eyes. I sing to you in the mornings
walking round and round your bed and into your face.

Come, I will teach you to dance as naturally
as falling asleep and waking and stretching long, long.
I speak fear with my paws and fear with my whiskers.
Envy lashes my tail. Love speaks me entire, a word

of fur. I will teach you to be still as an egg
and to slip like the ghost of wind through the grass.

Mom Explains:

This poem is from Marge Piercy’s book, Mars and Her Children, New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1995. Go buy it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Teknologee is Fun fer Kittees

Musashi Sez:

Mai mom is pretty borin mos of the time, but somtimes she does somthin very excitin that she calls PRINTING OUT. It uzhully happens when she is spellin on the kapyuter. She hits the buttons an the other masheen makes a happy nois an then paper starts comin out of it like magik. Is pretty speshul. Somtimes one paper coms out an somtimes lots is comin out. I havn't figgered out the trik yet, even tho I go an look every time. I tried to get in there wift my paws but mom gets cranky when I do that. She sez, "Yu kin look, Musashi, but yu kan't tutch." Also our roommates do it too somtimes, but on different masheens. I like the nois they makes, like WHRRRR. I cud watch it all day.

Mom Explains:

Ink jet printer, by Hewlett Packard: the great American cat toy. Who knew? Neither of the pictures here are of Musashi, but the one on the printer looks like him and the one in the printer acts like him. So, apparently, he's not the only one.

Friday, December 12, 2008

How to Exersize Proppurly

Musashi Sez:

After plae time on Toosday, mom came into the livin ruum and waved a shiny stick around in slow moshun. She sed that it was a TAI CHI SWORD (I askd her to spell) an that she was exersizing. I don think she noes much about exersize, cuz she wasn't doin any jumpin or runnin. There was one bit wher she almos pounced, but then it wasn't. She sed that swords is weppons like claws except from mor distins, but I looked at wher she was stabbin an there was nothin there. But the stick smelled nice, so I gess she can pertend to exersize like that if she wants to.

But I figger that normal peepuls shud noe better, so I'm goin to tell yu the rite way to exersize. If you does it rite, then yu kin stay sleek an yur fur will be shiny. (Cuz shiny fur is better than shiny stick.) First thin yu need to noe is that yu has to stretch a lot. Evry hour or so yu shud stretch yur hol body so yu'r almos inside out. Then yu has to pick at leest 2 times a day to do the seerius exersize. I likes sunrise an sundown. Mom doesn't like sunrise. She hides unner the blankits. But I run all aroun the hous, in all the rooms that don't has doors shut. An I jump on the bed an on the windo sills an on the ottermans an on the couch an on the bed agin, cuz mom's feets need to get out of the blankits even if she don't want them to go. An I run som more. I dringk som watter too, cuz yu gots to stay watterated when yu exersize. Somtimes I do som huntin too, wift the balls or the moussees. It dapends on the day. Yu gots to keep it innerestin.

Mom Explains:

I did try to point out that tai chi sword is also a form of meditation, like sitting on the windowsill and watching the seagulls. Musashi's tail often moves in slow motion when he's watching the birds. I also suggested that he try doing his meditating at sunrise, rather than, say, jumping on my feet. But no luck.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bestest Cat Toy Ever So Far

Musashi Sez:

So las week mom got me a new toy. Is pretty speshul cuz I can kick it or chew on its long crinkle legs (an it has lots of legs, mebbe four, an a tail also). Mine is a mousee (his name is Victor, cuz mom is wierd), but yu kin get a piggee or a bunnee, if you wants. His hed is full of the ‘nip an his tummee is a bell, so he smells gud an he souns gud and he chews gud and you can also walk him around if you has help from yer mom or dad (it rekwires thums). Is not danger toy, so if mom an dad go to work or skuul, yu kin still plays with him. An ther’s different colors too. I gives him four stars.

Mom Explains:

I am not weird. However, this toy does inspire the Victory Laugh, because of Musashi’s incredible acrobatic and Matrixy skills of jumping, rolling, bouncing off the side of the ottoman and ending up pretty close to whatever he was aiming at, even when he gets twelve inches off the ground in the process. This actually happens pretty often. Both the getting close to what he was aiming at and the getting a foot off the ground. He is an aerial kitty. So of course I perform the Victory Laugh as a sign of respect. There is no mockery intended at all. None. Zero. Zip.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

P'lite Kitty Intraduces Hisself

Musashi Sez:

Oh hai. My name is Musashi. I wuz named after MIYAMOTO MUSASHI who has his picture here. I wuz going to be D'ARTAGNAN becuz of my big plumy black tail, but mom is just wierd. An she likes Japanese stuff. Anyway, I has lots of opinions. Also, I am lerning to spell from reeding lolcats on This is mai fayvrite website, an I like websites cuz then the kapyuter does cool stuff. I cud watch it all day if mom dint chase me away when I axidently erase somthin. So mom wuz telling me about these books from the Michelin Man, an how he goes to resturrants where they feed him and he gives them stars. So I sed, Cool. An she sed wuld yu like to start a blog. It's yur own website. And I sed, Purrr! So she helpd me make this. I will tell yu all about good stuff I know, like litter and toys and how to catch toes, and movies with cats in them or mebbe swordsmen. An mom will help with the hard wurds, cuz she spells thins for a livin. Okay. Yu go have nap now.

Mom Explains:

Okay, first, I'm not weird, I'm culturally competent, got it? Second, I figured if he's going to go around sitting on people's keyboards, then he ought to have a chance to erase some of his own work. Then he'll see how he likes it. But third, he really does have some interesting opinions about toys and movies (mind you, we don't always agree). And the jury is still out on the whole "attacking the toes" issue. But I'm with him on the naps.