Monday, February 25, 2013

Scayr Aftr the Oscarz

Musashi Sez:

So us “not so flush” folks watchd them Oscar awards on our—well, OK, Kaylee’z Smartphon—(cuz 500 hunnerd yeerz frum now, it turn out that ther ar no DumPhonz left). Harrumph. But that turn out yoosful to ME cuz it showd mai faithful crew that I wuz one of them moovrz an shaykrz who weyr tuxedos around ALL THE TIM!!! It jus the wae I wuz mayd. Huh.

Meenwhile, we are waytin on baited breft (cuz, yeah we ayt our dinnr an it was toonr, bif surpryz) fer Mr. Tygr’z next radio-cast to com throo.

An Mr. Tygr is taykin Grayt Chansiz, as we noe, cuz he cud gets his front pawz chain-linked together lik the polees does, and then whut is he gonna do, cuz he don’t have no back pawz to speek of, bein a puppet person lik he is.

So we waits, breathin hards, till we heers the ~~Crackul, Crackul~~

Mr. Tygr Sez:

Marc Anthony: Over!

~~Crackul, Crackul~~Big Dog, heer, over!

Marc Athony: Opened the door! But the Target almos caugtid me! I am in hidin, while the Targit thingks he left his sayf door open, Over!

Big Dog: Do you wants egstractshun?

Marc Anthony: Giv me one more dae. I is in hidin an I thingks I has the sayf’s double code cracked. Over.

Big Dog: Yu has discreshun. If yu needs the rescue, send the code. Over.

Marc Anthony: Roger. Over.

Big Dog: Are you currentlee sayf?

Marc Anthony: I am hidin in a file box, an yu noe that NOBODDEE luk insid thoz! An I am throwin out mai Mental Projection Units (MPUs), full force! Yu betcha!

Musashi Sez: MPUs, o deer. I noe jus egzaktlee how thos tend to translayt ovr the Wide Band (WB) from Low Earth Orbitg (LEO). It turn into this bad disco moovie about Wubleo, the Dansin Man. We trai nevr to goes ther laytlee, and that feller wift the dansin moovs, whu is freqwentlee in that Quentin feller's films? We tries hard to ignore him. Huh.

So, deer internashunul audience, yu kin see how our operativ needs yer help, donations, or at the verree leest, kind thogts?

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Mr. Tygr Reportz

Musashi Sez:

We watched Mr. Tygr’s parashoot until it disappeared down there jus outside of Mumbai. We dint heer from him fer a reellee long tim. Mom an Kaylee were pacin bak an forth. I tuk a nap. See, I’ve known Mr. Tyrgr ALL MY LIF, an he is mai wrasslin coach an my frend, so I got 1000% confidens in him. When I wok up, I gave maiself a baft, because hygeen is eevn mor importint on a small spaceship than it is in a partimint. Then I went to the radio, jus in tim to pick up Mr. Tygr’s first report.

Mr. Tygr Sez:

Big Dog, this is Marc Anthony, over. I have slipped onto the target an luck is wift me. The whol crew is watchin the Oscars on this verree impressive flat-screen TV they got heer on this ship, which I gotta say is mutch fansee-er than ours is. Huh.

I has slipped down the corridor to wher the invisibul door is hidin in the bulkhead an I am workin my Bobby pins to get the lock open. Will mayk contact again when I has gotten inside. Over.

Musashi Sez:

He calls it luck. I calls it being Mr. Tygr. So there.

Singin in the Wind(less Space)

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I wuz sleepin on the dashbord of our Chair-Spaceship-Thing, an Mom sed, “Musashi, whut yu doin?” but before I cud explain, she gottid all distracted from perpayrin Mistr Tygr fer settin down in Mumbai so that he cud spy on Captin Nemo, who stol mai naymin rigts fer the blizzard on my fifth birftdae.  

Whut has she ben verree bizzee wift, yu asks? Writin songs, if yu kin beleevz it. So I thogtid, “If she kin do it, so kin I. Huh.” So here is mai song. (So, okay, I stol the leerik struktchur from that jeenyus fellr Joss Whedon, but I has interpreted it all by maiself.) So sing wift me, peeples!

Take my love, take my land,
Take me wher I cannot stand.
Doesn’t matter. I’m still free.
Can’t take spontaneiteee.
Take me out to the bloo.
Complain and say, “Poo on yoo!”
Burn the bagels, boil the Brie.
Can’t take spontaneiteee.

Let the soldiers march in line.
They will never take my spine.
Lost my claws, lost my dream.
Can’t take spontaneiteee.

Feel the silence echo long,
Makes me want to sing this song:
I can hear it, I can see:
Can’t take my spontaneiteee.

Lost my blizzard, lost my naym.
That cad Nemo takes the blame.
Doesn’t matter. I’m still free.
Can’t take spontaneiteeee.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Enterin the Atmo

Musashi Sez:

Wull, we are goin to be re-enterin Earth’s atmosfeer soon, an when that happens, it’s goin to be hot-flashy in heer, so our fansee an high-tech commyoonikayshun eqwipmints is goin to be all borked. We are sorree fer the inconvenience an we hops to be up an runnin shortlee. 

Once we get into the clouds wher it ar cool, I am shur that Mom an me will has noo plot ideas.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Ligting Up the Self-Interest

Musashi Sez:

Wull, it has been a long journey around the world, watchin all yu folks from our fansee spaceship-chair thing. But we has finded Captin Nemo, and now all we has to do is put Part 2 of our plan into akshun. Turns out that this Nemo fellr has returned to his homebase in Mumbai an has ben refueling and lookin fer replacemints fer his crew members who has got the homesick.

Victory shall be ours, yu bet.
We hav ben getting Mr. Tygr practice on doin stuff in a submareen, an also his spy misshun to steal back the Nayming Rights to the Blizzard, whut Nemo tukt when they shud have been MINE! Huh.

In celerbrayshun, we are havin toonr fer dinner. Woo hoo!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I Gets to Pilot the Ship!!!

Musashi Sez:

Zoom! Zish! Meeeeeeyrrrrr! I am pilotin the ship! I eevn has mai verree own pilot hat wift a brim!!! I am lookin the hight of stylish.

See, Mom worked verree hard today, an then she got to the point where she had to try like five whol tims to spell the word spycko psichlo that thin where they studdee peeples minds, an when she caym hom, she wuz too tierd to pilot, so she let me do it. (Yu notis that I not try that manee tims, cuz if I gots that tierd, we’d have Mr. Tygr pilotin the ship, an I egspeks that wudn’t go so gud.)

So far I has egsperimentaytid wift loop-de-loops, figure 88s an othr fansee moovz. Mom is so inspired by mai acrobatics that she sez jus as soon as she gets up tomorro, she will take the com and try some of them out herself.

But I gotta say, I think we needs noo ligt bulbs on this ship. Everboddee lookin a littul green in the floressint ligtin. Huh.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Hair Warz

Musashi Sez:

The problim wift yoozin tecknologee to find Captin Nemo is that it tayk so long. Shur, yu say, I gots a fansee spaceship an som verree attraktiv crew memberz (Mr. Tygr is blushin). Don’t that mean that yu kin has them turn some dialz an then speak some kinda incomprensobbul dialog that meens, in short, “Gotcha!”?

Well, no, not so mutch. Theez things takys tim an every thin has to be recalibrated all the tim, cuz artifishul grabity is a trickier thin than it look on TV shoz about the 23rd centree. So we akshul does a lot of sittin around waytin. An this is not gud.

Cuz, yu see, when we are sittin around, it not onlee the crew sittin around in the ship. It is also the ship sittin in one place scannin. An that mean that our pilot got tim on her hands. An so she desiderayted to brush me. Huh.

She sed she gottid this idea about brushin enugf fur outta me to mayk a new kittee, lik  Mini-Musashi, whu wud be lik a littul brothr I cud boss around and also he cud be part of the crew. But whut I need a littul brothr fer when I gots Mom?

So I sez, “Captin Kirk didn’t hav nobody brushin his hair fer him!”

An she sez, “He didn’t need to. He oiled it down.”

So I sez, “Wull, Captin Picard din’t have nobody brushin his hair!”

And she sez, “Corse not, silly. He was bald.”

So I sez, “Wull, Captin Janeway—”

But she wuz reddee fer me. “In the first seezon she absolootely did, cuz she had that fancy Gibson Girl hair, which is impossible to do by yerself.”

An she sounded seerius, so I ran an hid unner the chair, wher she don’t fit, an I mayded a video an put it on YouTube, lookin fer a guru.

Halp me, Obi-Wearin Kernobi, yu ar mai onliest hope!!!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Revenge in a Dish, Look-Warm

Musashi Sez:

So the 4 of us, me, Captain Musashi, mai mom whu is the pilot, our mechanic Haylee, an Mr. Tygr, agent extrawdinair, were eetin dinnr in the mess hall, which is akshullee the rigt arm of the armchair-ship (cuz the left arm is steerin, OBVEEOUSLEE), an wuz havin a reezonablee gud meel of proteen barz an frozen spinitch, when Mr. Tygr says, “I has a treet fer yu!” An he brings out a big metal bowl-thin wift a ladul, an he proceeds to ladul out this funnee soop fer all of us. It was mostlee saltee, wiftout that uzhual zing! I associayts wift Mr. Tygr’s cookin (he reellee lik Asian fud an soy sauce an garlic).

We say, “Hey, Mr. Tygr, whut’s this soop?”

An he say, “Gess!!!”

An we ar flabbergasted, to say the leest, so we gives up. The he pulls out a sign an puts it in front of the galley, which is a salty way of sayin “reellee small kitchin.”

An then we unnerstands and eets up.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Followin the Trail

Musashi Sez:

We has casted off so we cud swim in the deep oshun, following the trail of that nastee Captin Nemo fellr, whu stol the naymin rigts fer the Blizzard which shud hav ben naymed after ME, Musashi (Captin of the Firefly class ship, the Spontaneity). Mai mishun, cuz I am verree mishun-orientid, is to chays down that Nemo fellr’s ship, the Nautilus, get mai operativ Mr. Tygr on bord secretly so he kin find out where Nemo keeps thos naymin rigts, steel them bak and bring them to us heer on the Spontaneity.

The onlee problem is that we not noe where Nemo went or what track he took through the oshun. Where is he likely to go? What sort of safe haven wud he look fer? Somewhere in Indyer? Someplace unner the ice cap (or whut’s left of it)?

So we started out by sailin unner the sea lookin fer the Nemo gy in whut you migt call a linear way. Then I hads a Brayn Storm. It occurred to me that if we went into Low Earth Orbit, we cud look down into the oshun an maybe eevn yooz GPS (Global Pozitioning Stuff) to find Nemo. We looked down in the oshun from WAYYY up above the sea and we had our Bobbinaytor an our IST (Impressiv Sensor Thingy) look fer any of that ther nookleayshun-typ energee. We finded 7 US Navy submareenz an also a alien ship wift a 23rd centuree engine. An we finded somebody else wift a verree hard-to-nail-down engine, an so far, we has not definitivitivlee identified it as Nemo, but I think we has a shot.

So we are goin to keep lookin, and pertee soon we are goin to find him an get justis an lik that. Cuz we are the Heroes, an the Heroes alwaes wins. Huh.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Appreeshiayin All Mai Gurl Frendz & Lik That

Musashi Sez:

We are taykin a brayk todae from mai importint mishun to catch Nemo, becuz it has com to mai attenshun that todae is Valentin Dae, when yu tells folks that yu luvs them, espeshullee when they are pertee gurlz.

So Happy Valentin Dae to Grandma, Pamlr, Amandr, Haidee, an Katia an Olga an espeshullee mai Mom, cuz she scoops mai poop, an that is how yu noe sombodee reellee lov yu.

An a Happy Valentin Dae to all mai reederz, espeshullee the ones who ar in faraway places like Germany, Russia, Texas, Lithuania, Canada, Switzerland, China, France, Ireland, India, Michigan, Maine, New York an Connecticut. Oh. An the United Kingdom. An anyboddee I might hav missed.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Calibraytin the Chairship’s Meckanisms

Musashi Sez:

So I werked all dae yestrdae (aftr brekfist, I meen) on finishin mai ship so I kin go catch that Captin Nemo gy whu stol the naymin rigts to mai blizzard. I got the originul design from mai frend Opus the Penguin, who has spent lotsa tim as the science offiser on a ship jus like it. He eevn brogtid over spayr parts from the verree old Beta Verzhun fer me to put together wift Mom’s green armchair, an we are testing the engine to mayk shur it werks well enugf.

The chair has got three levelz. Mom is goin to serv as the pilot, on the second level (wher the steerin meckanism is), an I am goin to be the captin, on the top level, wher I kin see ovr her head. When things brayk, our frend Kaylee, the meckanic, will go unnerneath, wher the fansee engine is, cuz she is verree gud wift masheenz, an she will be able to fix it.

Yu wud be verree impressed wift the engine. It has got bells an eevn wissulz. It has a uppydowny, a flux capacitor, a bobbinator, a flounce attachment, an eevn a spinny thing! It is trooly a thing of wonder. I not sure just egzactly whut a cryhole is, or a arc reactor, but parintlee, it got those things too. Don't asks me, I is just the captin.
All we has to do now is put lots of toona in the kitchin an get the fuel it needs so that the spinnything spins an the bobbinator bobbinates. I maydid shur that we were not yoozin fossil fuels, cuz Mom wudn't lik that and Kaylee wudn't eevn noe whut to do wift them since she is from 500 yeerz in the fyootchr. (But she is young fer her ayj, so it not lik she'll be fallin asleep all the tim. Huh. She'd better not! That MY job.)
Perty soon, we’ll be abul to cast off an chays that annoyin Nemo fellr: Zoom! Zish! The Firefly class ship Spontaneity, ready fer akshun, wift ME, the heroic captin!

But Mom sez I am not allowed to call her mai byootiful assistint. Oh well, yu can’t has evrythin.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Welcomin the Crew on Bord

Musashi Sez:

Stardate 02112013. Our mishun, to find that dastardly Captin Nemo who stol the naymin rigts to the Earth-America-Noo-Inglund-Blizzard of stardate 02082013.

Obstakulz will not stand in our way, pertiklee when we ar eethr flyin in the spays or swimming in the oshun. We duzn’t akshulee noe how our ship will fare on land, but we are planning to spend a minimumul tim on land, cuz it has the gravitee, and gravitee is no fun.

Meenwhil, ME, Captin Musashi, is givin our Oprativ, Mistr Tygr, his orderz. Yu kin listen in:

ME: Okay, Mr. Tygr, frum now on, yer naym is “VJ” Tigriswattee, yu got that?
Mr. Tyger: Whut VJ stand fer?
ME: Huh. Victory Jaipur. Whut else?
Mr. Tyger: Okay. Whut shud I noe about mai backgroun?
ME: Yu from Jaipur, the pink city of Indee’er. So yu liks pink. But yu still verree danjerous. Probabul yu cudn’t get a plays on another ship cuz yu so danjerus. An yu are verree glad to get a plays on the Nautilus, so yu ar willin to be danjerus to the peepls Captin Nemo want yu to be danjerus against (onlee not us on the Firefly class ship Spontaneity; but don’t tell aneebodee about that; it ar a verree big seekret)
Mr. Tyger: Gotcha!
ME: Egsellent. Wen we get to the “rondayvoo” point wift the Nautilus, we will run ovr this agen and then transport yu. Do som push ups. Yu lookin a littul thin. They not goin to want yu unless yu look lik that Gastank Tygr, whatshisnaym.
Mr. Tyger: Wun-too, wun-too, wun-too, wun-too, wun-too, wun-too!

I pads mai way frum Tyger’z qwarterz to the Engin Room. The nookyoolr engin is runnin verree well, akshullee, which mayk me a littul nervus. Stuffs almost nevr run verree well. Somthin migt be verree wrong.

ME: Ms. Meckanik? Kaylee? Mom? Whu in charge heer?
Kaylee: Yah, it’s me. I wuz unemployed cuz of the stoopid netwerk who mayd our cool show go orf the air, an yer mom is a bettr pilot than meckanik—she’s an Inglush majer, yu know, whil I has gots a degree in meckanikul engineerin from MIT.
ME: The Massachusetts Institoot of Tecknologee?
Kaylee: Yu gotsta be kiddin. It’s the Mars Institooshun of Techicaliteez. Huh.
ME: So I not has to rely on Mom to steer an fix the engines at the saym tim?
Kaylee: Nop. But I will egspect fresh strawberreez on a reglar basis. Say, evree three monfts?
ME: Yu gots it!!!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Mai 5th Birftdae!!!

Musashi Sez:

Wull, yestrdae wuz mai 5th birftdae. I am 5 now!!!  We celerbrayted by havin a big ol blizzard! We gots two feets of sno outside, which is like almost elebenty inches. The onliest problem is that they din’t naym it aftr me, lik they shud hav. Instead they naymed it Nemo, which I thogtid was stoopid, cuz he’s jus a littul orinj fish, rigt? An I wuz thingkin how cool it wuz that they naymed that hurricayn las fall fer my Grandmom, Sandy. So they shud has naymed the blizzard after ME, Musashi.

But then I finded out what REELLEE happened. See, it turn out that this gy, Captin Nemo, whu has this nookyoolr submareen, come up in the middul of the city wher all them meteeyor meatierol mityer gyz whu predict the weathr ar. And he STOL the naymin rigts to the blizzard!!!

This is verree bad, but I has figgered out a way to fix it. I toldid mom that all I needed wuz mai verree own nookyoolr submareen, an then I cud CHAYS him down an get the naymin rigts bak!!!

Egsept that Mom sed, “Musashi, if we not has room fer a ponee, wher yu thingk we goin to put a submareen??? An anywae, as environmentalists, we is opposed to the nuclear stuffs—"

And then she made me read about nuclear stuffs on Wikrpedia. Turns out nuclear is not the saym as nookyoolr. Nuclear is about bashin atoms and makin them poisonous, eevn tho yu do get some enerjee out of it.

Luckilee, I has a degree in the nookyoolr fhyziks, which is the stuffs that runs the nookleeaytr, which mos of yu non-teknikul typs probabul refer to as the “microwave.” Huh.

So I is retrofittin (this mor of mai speshulist langwudj) Mom’s green armchair into a nookyoolr ship thing. I wuz goin to christen her (not Mom; the chair) the Firefly class ship, Spontaneity, but since all the stors are closed fer the storm, we are goin to have to put off the whol champagne thing fer a fyoo daes.

In the meentim, Mom has maydid Blooberree Cinnamon Muffinz to celerbrayt mai birftdae, an Mom an the girls (they ar Rushin, like lotsa them Bond girls), sang Happy Birftdae to me (in two an a half part harmony, but I not holds it against them). So I is goin to go has mai partee and then I will com bak an finish mai ship an then go an catch this Captin Nemo gy.

He not see whut is comin. Huh.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

An About Tim Too!!!

Musashi Sez:

Wull, we has got verree gud nooz heer tonigt, an it not just becuz I still has mai percastinayshun/writr blok problem. It turn out that the big fansee gaym MONOPOLEE has ben tryin to get all modrn. They has gottid folks to vot fer the OLD token they wantid to get rid of an then vot fer the NOO token they wantid to now be abul to yooz an plae wift when next they playd MONOPOLEE, the classic gaym of reel estat stuffs an also verree colorful paypr monee. An MONOPOLEE is also faymuslee aobut them littul metul thingeez that evreeboddee get so egsytid about, almost lik they wuz their akshul AVATARS. Huh. Which is jus kinda ridiklus.

So that faymus Hasbro compny mayded a big elekshun, so that peeples whu likt to plae the gaym cud vot about which candidayt avatar-metul-thingee they cud plae wift when they bougtid the noo verzhun of the gaym.

An LOTS and LOTS of peeples votid! It wuz almos as egsytin as that votin thingee we hads a coupla monfts ago, back in Novemberer. They hads fiv (5) candidayt metul-avatar-thingeez fer peeple to vot fer (as oppozd to onlee 2 lik in the plitikul elekshun thingee), as yu can see in Figr. 3: the diamond ring, the gitar, the helicoptr, an eevn the ROBOT (which I wud has othrwyz votid fer, myself), an the kittee.
An the vots are in!!! Peeples desiderayted that the ol’ fashund iron (that wuzn’t eevn the kind yu plugz into the electrisitee) shud go OUT! (Mai Mom sez this may be one of them stryks fer the cays of feminisimismsn, an girls not havin to do evrboddee else'z ironin. She is fer that to such an egstent that she wud has votid fer womin to has wrinklee shirts. Parentlee, this is a politikul position. I jus thogtid it wer a fashun staytmint. Huh.)

But they all LOSTID the gaym to the Kittee! 3 Cheers!

Repeat aftr me: WooHoo fer the Kittee! WooHoo fer the Kittee! WooHoo fer the Kittee! S/He are carryeein forwerd our Feelyn Legasee of the Dignitee an also the Rigtful Arrogans of Kitteez the werld ovr! O yeah!

An as Patrick McDonnell, our Verree Fayvrit Cartoonist Person, sez, yu shud notis (an be verree happee about) how the Kittee Token has got a Collar an a Naym Tag!!! (Lik all Kitteez shud has). An altho yu kin not see it on the piktchur, I bets that lik Mai Kittee Frenz, the Kittee Token Person also has his/her address an phon numbr on the bak of his/her naym tag, just lik I has.

Huh. Kitteez is winnin again all ovr. Yus, we ar. We, as a spesheez, are havin a big, fat PROUD! Yu might eevn say we ar havin a SWAGGR!!!


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Diffrcult Myoozik

Musashi Sez:

So we has ben listenin to som egsytin myoozik, lik “Yu an Me” from that myoozikul Viktr/Viktoria wift all the whit ty an tailz. Mom an me has ben singin an dansin around the livin room when our roommates aren’t around (cuz that wud jus be embarrassin). Folks wud thinks that I am ligt on mai feets, and I gots lots of feets, so we ar talking LOTS of embarrassmint.

An of cors Mom is a gurl, so altho she luk okay in a top-hat, she not egzaktlee happee about the whol thin, an she probabul rigt when she say that if she wuz wearin a eevnin gown, I wud probabul gets mai clawz caugtid in it, which wud be bad.

But I gotta say, this myoozik, fer all its faults, is still betterer than that who “Call Me Rabies” crayze that has been goin on this past year. Huh. Mai nepfyoo-once-remoovd, Collin Britt mayd a fansee choir verzhun of this song and gottid hisself an his frends on the TV fer doin this song that get unner yer skin in annoyin wayz. So now I am two degreez from sombodee faymus, which mayk me feel betterer about that song.

But mostlee, I purrferz that Mylz Davis fellr. I kin listen to his myoozik all day, wayvin my tail bak an forth in tim, an, yu noe, kina groovin. In mair hart I iz a Jazz Kittee.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Trains, Alligaytrs, an Brillyunt Scientists

Musashi Sez:

Mai mom sez weerd stuffs somtims. Lik wen she is about to go orf to work, she sez, “An I’m orf lik a herd of tertulz,” although I am pertee shur that turtulz is not herd beests, kinda lik how kitteez isn’t. An as she go out the dor, she say, “See ya laytr, alligaytr!” An if she not get out the dor fast enugf, I kin heer her sayin, “Huh. Yer sposta say, ‘In a whil, crocadial,’” as if she is talking to me, which she is probabul not becuz I am not one of them big lizerd peeples.

Mai theery is that goin to werk mayk her a little crazy. So she is invoking the turtul an lizerd gods to keeps her sayf on the train to werk, cuz trains is danjerus.

Yu asks how I noe about trains? Well, see, I has watchd lotsa cowboy movies ovr the years an also spy moovies, an peeples is always jumpin on trains an chaysin each other an shootin at each other, lik that Indiana Jonez fellr, or Jim Bond, the spy.

Mom is probabul nervus that sombodee is goin to jump on her train an she is goin to have to chase them off. An she noez kung fu, so she cud reellee figt them, yu noe, paw to paw! Pow! Wack! Bam! Bif! Jus lik that. An she wud totallee nock them orf the train in like ten seconds flat!!!

I noe that she is sayf aftr she get off the train, cuz she werk at MIT where there is lotsa brillyunt scientists inventin stuffs. She meets them somtimz in her work when they ar havin trubbul writin down their brillyunt ideers. An I figger that they wudn’t werk at MIT if it wuzn’t sayf ther.