Thursday, September 24, 2015

Chaptr Sevun

North of Kingston, Sir Edmund St. Vincent-Harewood-Osprey, Esq. ambled through his cocoa groves with the viceroy who, bein a much youngerer man, was feelin very impatient.

“Sir Edmund,” he said, “I feel you are not takin the seriousness of this situation, well, er, seriously.”

“Son, I’ve seen cocoa come an cocoa go. It will outlast all the pirates, you mark my words.”

“But this isn’t just any pirate. It’s not like we’re talkin about Red Beard or Captain John Partridge. This is Morgashi that I have to handle!”

“Weeell, yes, he’s a caution, an no mistake. But I have been readin the reports, boft in the newspapers an the letters from my opposites in London, an everbody says his crew is naught but a rag tag: cats, dogs, hoomin peeples, a old circus tiger and the like. Whut we have in the Royal Navy is 100% men, and British subjects at that. How can we possibly lose?”

The viceroy sighed. He had dealt with such narrowly educated men before. He said carefully, “Sir Edmund, have you ever lived with a house cat or a dog? Or, for example, attended a circus?”

“What? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Horses, that’s the ticket!”

“Yes,” said the viceroy. “That’s what I thought.”

Sir Edmund gave him a hearty slap on the back, as such men do, and left him to ride gloomily back toward Kingston.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Chaptr Sixx

The weekend was busy fer everboddy whu worked at the Royal Bank. All the janitors, tellers, clerks an manager types were working overtime from hom. The janitors baked jelly rolls. The tellers layered trifles full of creem. The clerks made eclairs and the managers made muffins. The analysts filled pies and the commissioner baked cakes. Monday morning rolled around to find a whole lotta peeples feelin eevn less happy than usual to be comin into work, cuz not only was they all egzausted, but they all felts all sortsa guilty fer fallin orf their diets.

An on top of their work wift the jelly rolls, the janitors had to put up the big red an yeller tents outside the bank on account of it migt start rainin again, an nobody wants soggy eclairs. The clerks had to make the signs wift their rulers an magic markers, an the analystises had to figger out what prices to charg fer all the different things. Then the tellers had to sits behind the foldin tables an actually sell peeples the fuds.

It was a verree long dae. If, in the midst of the bustle, any of them bank folks noticed a little man in spectacles taking notes (an buyin a half a dozen eclairs), they didn’t see any signifificance of it.

In the end, the consensus tally of the money was $1294.62 +/- 11.37, which was still not enougf to pay fer three whole ships wift actual orficers, but Commissioner Gordon was pretty shure she could get the Viceroy to pitch in to pay for the orficers hisself. After all, the whole convoy thing had been his idear in the firstest place.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Chaptr Fyve

Captain Morgashi made his way from the poop deck, where his litter box was, to the quarter deck, where the little man wift spectacles was steerin the ship. Morgashi relied on him completely fer evrythin from plottin their journiez on the map to cleenin out his litterbox (on account of his havin posable thumz), but he cud nevr remember the man’s name, so he hedged.

“Ahoy, sailor! What news?”

“Smooth sailin since the rain let up, sar. Also, Jack O’Bowsprit said to tell yu that he’d be back soon, rigt aftr the bank meetin, where he will have been spyin up a storm among his betters, sar.”

“Oh yes, that is gud news, er, Bo’sun. Send him to my cabin as soon as he gets here.”

In his cabin, Morgashi curled up and tukt a nap while he was waitin. Ten minits latr, Jack O’Bowsprit knocked on the dor an caym in. Bein a person of the Beagle persuasion, he licked Morgashi’s face befor he cud give his report. Morgashi was not too happy about this, but because Jack had a eagle-eye nose an very strong skills in linear thinkin, Morgashi dint say nothing about it.

“Report, sailor,” he said an wiped orf his face with his Garfield hankerchif.

Jack said, “Well, Captain, them bank folks is planning a trap fer us. The King’s birftdae is comin up an the viceroy plans to ship lotsa cocoa back to England fer the celebration. But the Royal Navy is goin to accompany them cargo ships so we can’t get at them.”

“Hmm,” said Morgashi thortfully. “We could take this a few different ways. First, if we kin mayk the Navy think we gots an armada of pirate ships, they wud send lots and lots of Navy ships wift the cocoa, leavin the islands underprotected. That cud be a opportunity. Second, we cud get one of our spies on one of them ships to detect—“

Jack barked, “Don’t look at me, sar!”

“Well, third, then. We cud alert our contacts in London. Once the Royal Navy has escorted the ships over the waters, they are problee not gonna be too interested in the cocoa on land, in the port warehouses. We cud do a spot of pilfering there, I expect.”

“Captain, you is just full of innerestin idears!”

“Yep,” said the captain, carefully lickin a paw. “I am at that

Monday, September 7, 2015

Chaptr Forr

In the boardroom of the Royal Bank, lotsa importint peeples sat around a really long table. Commissioner Leticia Gordon had given up her chair at the end of the table to the viceroy, who was in a foul mood.

"Those darn pirates!" he yelled. "They keep stoppin our ships and stealin our gold an it has all just got out of hand! What are you peeples doin about this?"

The island's cheif of police yawned. "If you can't keep our gold safe in yer bank, then what do you expect us to do about it?"

Gordon frowned. "I say, that is unfair. If it wasn't fer his Vice Regalness here, we wudln't have had that party in the first place and ther wudn't have been a distracshun for them to use."

Hay-on-Bloominton stood up and looked out the window. Everywhere he looked there were stoopid palm trees. He hated palm trees. He wanted to go back to England, where peeple were civilized. But the king said GO and he went. "Very well. If the police can't keep our gold safe, it's time to bring in the navy. The king's birthday is coming up and the Royal Quartermister has ordered a three shiploads of cocoa for the occasion. Between Blackbeard, Sparrow and Morgashi, you just noes that them pirates are goin to attack those ships. So we are goin to make a caravan of the merchant ships an navy ships to protect them."

Gordon said, "An who is goin to pay them? The gold Morgashi stole was sposed to be the pay for the ships currently posted here."

"That," said the viceroy wift an evil grin, "is your problem. I suggest you has a bake sale."

Friday, September 4, 2015

Chaptr Three


It rained all day. At the Royal Bank, everbody was in a foul mood, an nobody was in the mood fer a party, but the Viceroy and the Commissioner would be arrivin any moment now, an so the bank clerks blew up the bloons an put out the fuds on the big tabulz. George, the head clerk, grumbled to himself, but then he cheered up, when he realized that there was gonna be jumbo shrimp cocktails, which was his favrit.

At fiv o'clock on the dot, three peeples walked in: Viceroy Hay-on-Bloominton, Commissioner Gordon, and a jaunty feller wift a long red coat and big boots.

The viceroy said, "So Captain Morgashi, how goes the war on coconuts?"

"It's not easy," said Morgashi, pulling some sashimi-on-a-stick out of the cantalope. "Every time we shuts down a coconut dealer, two mor come and take his place. An they are cuttin the coconut wift all kindsa crazy stuffs like sugar an salt an eevn turnip shavins if yu kin beleeve it."

The small talk continued as a small band gathered in the lobby an began playin square dance music, because somebody had hired the wrong fiddler.

Captain Morgashi turned to Commissioner Gordon and said, "Care to dance?"

Then, while the commissioner was swishin her skirt an the captain was do-si-doing, in the background where nobody wud notice them, a little man wift spectacles sneaked in wift a ragtag band of brothers in scratchy suits, all incognito, an they slipped into the back room where the safe was.

"Turn up the music!" yelled the captain, an the band played as hard as they cud. "Napoleon's Retreat" never sounded so gud. If there was in the background the sound like a small exploshun,  peoples just figgered that it was sound effects.

The party ended just aftr midnight, an at first nobody noticed the complete lack of chili sauce, or, fer that matter, gold.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Chaptr Too

Meanwhile, out on the horizon, a storm was brewing. The sky was the color of very bad corfee, brown with swishes of milky clouds, and the sea was grey.  The pirates returned to their ship, carryin all the fishes an the iceboxes, an singin pirate songs. Up on the foredeck, Captain Morgashi was pacing back and forth tryin to decide who to rob next. They had food for at least a week but they needed gold, because nobody take you seriously as a pirate unless you gots lotsa gold.

"Pirate Roberts," sed the Captain. "When was the lastest time we robbed the bank ship from Lundun?"

"Dunno, Captain. Seems like it's been a while."

The little pirate with the spectacles an the clipboard said, "Captain, some of the men are asksin if we cud maybe rob somebody of their chili sauce to go with the fish."

"Chili sauce?" roared the Captain. "What'll people think of us if we run aroun robbin people of their condiminiments? Gold! That's what real pirates steal!"

Down on the main deck there were ominuss murmurs from the men. The captain had to think fast. A storm was a bad time to hafta be worryin about a possibul mutiny. A small lightbulb appeared above his head.

"Aha!" he shouted. "I have just the idear!"

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Chaptr Wun

It was a bright an peaceful day in a small city in the middle of the Carrybean Sea. In the open markit, peoples was buyin fish fer dinner an talkin about how the weathr was much worser last year. Ther was eevn som peoples singin "tralala" which just goes to show that peoples don't know very much about omenz.

Suddenly a shot rang out. Everbody screamed. Ther on the top of the city walls, was a bandit. Yu could tell cuz he was wearin a mask, an most honest folks don't wear masks cept at Halloween, which is in October, and this was May.

"A bandit!" they yelled.

"I'll have all your fish!" he shouted below, putting his blunderbuss away and pulling out his shiny sword. He swished it in the air, leaving a faintly shiny R in the morning dew.

"Not our fish? What do you want with our fish?"

"It is very fresh, is it not? That is best for travellin when you don't has referidgitatayshun."

The fish monger looked suprized. "I don't have refredigit--what you said. All I has is this ice box."

"An ice box? What ho!  Then I shall has that too!"

And suddenly there was all these pirate-looking types, incloodin one wift spectacles an a clipboard an a littul pencil. He tookd charge and before you knoes it, all the fish an ice boxes was gone!