Friday, May 31, 2013
Wull, it hav been a verree gud week fer sleepin on the pink rug whil Mom does her editin. She sez she is maykin money fer us fer importint things, but does she get me a ponee? No, she does not. Instead, he goes off an buys Petromalt, which is this icky brown stuff that is supposta make me not hav the hairballs. When I wuz a littul kitten I loved it an went runnin fer Mom when she got a toob out, even though it was uzually hand loshun but then she wud give me the brown goop an I wuz verree happee.
But I am olderer now, an I has betterer taste. Mom calls me "jaydid" but I not green, so I don't noe what she meenz by this.
But we played tonight wift the pink cloth snake-on-a-stick. Whoo hoo! It not a real snake, so yu doesn't have to be afraid. It is just a long piece of cloth that onlee pertends to be a snake. I grabs it an Mom calls me Lefty, but akshully, I am arbritrary ambivalentary ambulance--I kin yooz all mai paws if I wants to. The front left one is just fasterer than all the others cuz he gets more exercize.
An then Mom sez, "Yes, egzactlee," lik she won the argument. Moms kin be so annoyin lik that. Huh.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Mom insisted that I write something, so I am goin to tell yu all how nice an soft my perty pink rug is that Katia left me. Also it is verree, verree PINK!!!
She left it fer me on the ottoman, so it’s not just a rug an it not just PINK!!!, but it also is up higher than it was when it was in her room on the floor. It not deserv to hav to lie on the floor.
I has been lyin on it ALL day. An I'm goin to do it again tomorroro!!!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Wull, this summer is goin to be the last tim I am livin with mai Russian Bond girlz, Katia an Olga. Katia is leevin tomorrow, an I has a sads fer this, but she is leavin me her perty pink rug to lie on, and so I has a happy too.
This week it is verree compulkayted being me.
We gets to keep Olga fer a while longer, and Mom says that will give us time to get used to the new situation. Meanwhil, she sez, we has to “jus keep on being Boswell an Johnson.”
“Whu are they?” I asks.
“I’ll explain it when yu are finally old enugf to go to a coffee shop.”
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wull, Mom has been spending most of the last few days eethr sittin around waitin fer somthing to edit, or editing it. This is borin, as it tend to meen she is not free to run around the partmint chasin me or playin wift the lazer pointer. And parently, she do this ALL THE TIME at work.
Persunly, I find this extremely hard to bleev. I mean, I has meeted some of her frendz whu werk wift her, an they does not strik me as the not-spendin-any-tim-not-chasin-the-lazer-pointer kinda peeples. They is mutch more wilder an crazier than that.
I aksked her, “Don’t MIT hav some Mad Scientists?”
She sed, “Nope. Not mad. Just kinda exhausted.”
“Wull, that is no fun,” I sed.
“It depends,” she sed. “It also meen that we hasn’t got the big green creature guys that mad scientists tend to build in their labs. I figure they balance each other out.”
Friday, May 10, 2013
Wull, it has ben verree gud to be bak on Earth, after my long journey in the orbit lookin fer Captain Nemo in our armchair spaceship. But now I am spending my time walkin around on the desk and the bed and the armchair and the table, sniffin everything to make its acqwaintance again. Naturally, I also sniffs the mail. Mom gets Netflix movies, and the most recentest one had, on the back of the perty red envelope, “MOMS ROCK.” An I cudn’t agree mor.
But I also noes that yu migt not akshully noe about this importint part of history, so I will tell yu it.
See, about 400 years ago, the Indians who lived in Massachoosetts got very upset wift all the doggeez and kitteez whu was sneaking into their camps and stealing their fud. So they built a big tent in Plymouth to put them in so they wud stop.
Meanwhile, back in England and Dutchland an places lik that, there were lotsa moms whu culdn’t have doggeez and kitteez because they had the mean landlords whu wudn’t let them. They got verree upset about this, so they decided that they wud do something about it. So they put all their money together an bougtid a big boat, and they sailed West fer more than a monft. Weeks an weeks, they sailed, looking fer someplace they cud hav a betterer life.
Finally, they saw land, so they went to it and parked their boat. They marched down the gangplank and they saw a big rock and behind it, a big ol tent wift lotsa barking and meowing going on inside. Some of the Indians were staring at all the moms getting off the boat.
But othr Indians was yelling at the tent: “Settle down in there! Shut up! We are trying to husk corn and wift all yer yapping, we can’t concentrayt!”
So two of the moms put their heds together. Joan Aldrin sed, “Huh, I bet we kin mayk a deal here.”
An Millicent Standoffish sed, “I noes exactly whut to do!”
They went to the Indians and sed, “If yu let us have some land to liv on, we will take all those doggeez and kitteez off yer hands fer yu, and keeps them out of yer hair.”
An the Indians sed, “AWESOME!”
(Except that this was hundreds and hundreds of yeers ago, so there was probably lots of thees and thous and passing miraculouses, an like that cuz peoples talked funny back then.)
So they named their nu hom in America “Moms’ Rock.” An that is why we still say this to this day.
The End. Huh.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Wull, it has been a verree egsytin week again. On May 1, we celebraytid the fact that Mom is employed, since noboddee pays me to do my writing. On May 4, we celerbrayted Star Warz Dae, cuz, yu noe, May the Fourth be wift yu. On May 5, we celerbraytid Cinco de Mayo (which is pernounced Sanko de My-O, not Sink-O de Mayo, an fer some reason has nothing to do wift:
• decaffeinated coffee
• yerz truly
or, an yu not going to beleev this,
• Spaghetti-os or eevn
• the letter O, which yu wud hav expected to have sponsored the holiday.
Nope, it has to do wift Mexico and the Frentch army. Yu remembrer Emperor Napoleon wift the funnee hat an planz fer world dominayshun? This army was sent by his grandson Luis.
Aneeway, it occurred to me that wift all this importint stuff I has to do all the tim, I not got any more tim for that eevil Captain Nemo whu stole mai naymin rights to that big old blizzard we had. But I figger that since I stole his Bein-Halpful-wiftout-Bein-Aksked certificate from Mr. Rogers, we are eevn. An if he decides he wants it back, then he kin come to me an we kin make a deal.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
So this past week was a gud time fer partying. Tuesdae was Will Shakespeare’s birftdae. He was 449. I figger that next year is going to be a big party fer him in England, cuz how manee peeples akshully reach 450? I figger they’ll make him a big cake, maybe in the shape of that famous round theater. It’ll be verree egsytin fer him to blo out all them candles! He’s probabul goin to need all kindsa help.
Meenwhile, back here in Boston, evrbodee talking about how strong we all are, eevn tho all the reellee scary stuff is over, so how come we still needs to be so strong? They caugtid the bad guy who exploded the Boston Marathon an akshully got all my roommate gurls to stay hom last Friday!!!
Which is not to say that I am fer exploding stuffs, jus cuz it gives me companions. No, no, no.
Last week, we had a verree hard tim comyoonicaytin wift our fayvrit peeple in Boston, Pittsburg, Connecktikit, Main, an stayts lik that becauz of them skaree terrerist folks whu desideraytid to hurts peeples at that Boston Marathon thing. I’m still tryin to figger out why someboddee wud want to do somthin lik this, but I figger that I am extraordinarilee lucky about it, sins so far it look lik noboddee I noe has been hurt.
But I keeps thinking about all of them othr folks whu has ben hurtid, an I not noe whut to do. So mostlee, I runs around lik a crazy kittee an then takes a nap.