Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weddin Booookayz an Stuff

Mom Sez:

My former roommate recently asked, “All those flowers made me start to think (that's right, wedding buffs... START... as in, …I must have failed my ‘Being A Girl and Imagining Your Dream Wedding as a Child 101’ course) about wedding flowers. The following questions bubbled slowly to the surface:

1) Why do I need flowers? I'm getting married outdoors in August. Does that count?
2) Aren't the bridesmaids supposed to carry something?
3) Aren't I supposed to carry something? And then inevitably throw it?
4) Do any of the things we carry have to be flowers?”

Here is what Musashi replied.

Musashi Sed:

Dir Meredift,

This iz whut we callz non-braynr. So OK yu don't needz flowrz on the taybulz cuz yu gots flowrz evrwher aroun dem.

But fer that thingy yu personal gots to throw...Mom ben tryin to splain to me the boookay. An it seems eezee. Her's whut yu do:

Yu gotz to get a buncha strawrs. Then yu gets a buncha moussees full of the 'nip. Then you tayps the moussees to the strawrrs. So la, la, la, yu martchiz down the hall (mom sez ai-ull) wift the moussees tatched to the strawrs. Yu gets all marreed an stuff. Then, when is tim fer yu to thro the booookay, you throwz the moussees, whyl still holdin tigt onto the strawrs. So the moussees go flyin into the mob o' happee frends, and sins they'r yer frends, is lik they gots kittee peeples at hom, rigt? So they goez hom wift cool 'nip moussees fer their kittees. Everboddee happee.

Cuz mom sez that whol "chik whu catch the flowrz getz marreed next" is full o' litter. She catchd a booookay in 1997 or so and she still onlee hadded 2 or 3 boyfrends and not the marryin kind. So moussees fer kittees whu kin plae wift them is probabul betterer than flowr boookays fer chiks whu is jus goin to watch them gits brownd.

Mom sez I'm too litterl. Too bad, I sez. Yu askd fer halp an I givs it.

Yer nepfu,

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Bostun Marafton an Runnin Stuff

Well. Mom sez the ad cam-payn of the Qwaykr Oats brand, that sed “Go hoomins, go!” wuz akshully about the Boston Marafton, not othr stuff. I livz in Bostun, heer in Massachoosetts, an evree yeer on Paytriots Dae in Ayprul, the citee has a big rays. Lotsa hoomin peeples run 26 miles (an that’s like 450 bloks!!! maybe eevn mor!!!) so that 1 woman and 1 man kin sae that they won. Then they gets a fancy hat mayd of leafs fer bein the fastest, an also a collar wift a fansee tag wift the Marafthon Yooneekorn on it. Is lik yer raybeez tag, egsept it’s mutch harderer to get.

Aneewae, Mom sed that about 23,000 hoomin peeples ran past our hous that dae. That’s lotsa peeples. An onlee 2 peeples won. That seem problimatikul. I lookd out the windo but watchin all them hoomins runnin past mayd me so tyerd that I jus went to sleep til it wer ovr.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Fhilanthropee an Relayshun Ships

Well. Mom sez this is as gud a tim as anee to lern perswaysiv wrytin. It turns out that mai Ont Meredift an Onkul Matt ar werkin veree hard to teetch kids an also to fund their weddin. (Fund meen getting eenugf monnee fer somthin.) They’v ben werkin verree hard at their skool jobs, an also Ont Meredift has ben wrytin a blog, helpmakecents, to rayz som of the monnee. Mai mom has donaytid monnee an I has ben helping throo mai ninja marketing skillz. But yu noo that. Of cors yu did.

What yu probabul didn’t noe wuz that this “capitalist model fer fund-rayzin” is what they call CONTROVERSIAL, and that meens hoomin peeples is argyuin about it. Mai mom, whu tookd classiz in marketin an stuff when she wuz in gradjuate skool, she sez that iz jenerallee betterer to hav annee PUBLICITY than non. So havin the magazeen Glamur eevin notissin yer problim is, lik, reellee effektiv.

This is espeshullee gud cuz the laydee whu wrytid the artikul in Glamur offerd a reellee eezee choys. She sez that she’s goin to donayt monnee ($25 !!!) eethr to Meredift an Matt at helpmakecents or to the Akchul Muppets (like the Jim Hensin!!! kind) an that’s perty amayzin, reellee, cuz eevn the Muppets, that hav ben around ferevr, don’t jeneral mayk mutch monee. So they needz all the halp they kin get too.

So to gets involvd, yu gots to go to glamour an vote. Then yu’r lik part of the akshun. Lik mai Ont Meredift sez, it’s a total Win-Win sitchuayshun. So eevn if yu chooz to giv yer monnee to the Muppets, (whu are termendusslee fuzzee) I kan’t blaym yu an neethr kin Meredift or Matt. We all thingk yu’r pertee smart an jeneruss, eethr wae.

Lik the Qwaykr adz ben sayin laytlee: “Go hoomins, go!!!!”

I giv the Qwaykr guy an Glamor, between them, a whol star!

PS: Whut this gots to do wift ships I still hasn't figgrd out.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Yu’r Not Breethin Hard Enugf

Musashi Sez:

OK. So mom sez I was kind of crabbee las tim, an that’s tru. I don’t lik rainee daes wen the sun is not shynin and the burds ar not hangin around outsyd. Is annoyin. At leest wen it snow, I kin watch the hoomin peeples brushin all the whyt stuff off their cars. Then they pullz thoz wipey thins up so they looks lik bug antenna. Is perty funnee to see hoomin peeples fussin round them big bugs.

But mom sez I got to mayk shur yu gyz is not feelin bad cuz of mai crabbee. So she sugjestid I shud wryt about somthin “nys,” like mebbee luv. (Somtims she’s sutch a gurl. Huh.) Huh.

So I sed: “Luv’s borin. Is all that kissee stuff.”

An mom sed: “Luv mayks the wurld go round.”

I sed: “No, it don’t. Grabitee does that. Or mebbee innersha. Somthin to do wift fhyziks, aneewae.”

She sed: “Luv conkerz all.”

“Nope,” I sed. “Yu tol me about Wurld Dominayshun an how mutch trubul peeples gets in wen they conkerz othr peeples.”

She thingkd about that fer a whyl. Then she sed: “It’s spring. Luv is in the ayr. If yu’r not in luv, yu’r jus not breethin hard enugf.”

I sed: “What?”

She sed: “Is somthin a frend of yer Ont Mishell sed.”

I aksd: “Is Ont Mishell from yer litter?”


Huh. So she mebbe is rigt. OK. I moslee breethz perty hard aftr I ben chaysin mousees wift mai ninja skillz. So I go do that now. Then we see what happn aftr.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Hay, Weddin Stress! Bite Me!

Musashi sez:

As yu noe, mai Ont Meredift is workin verree hard on planning her weddin. Yu kin reed about it on her blog, helpmakecents. Mai mom sez Ont Meredift is havin lotsa stress, an that’s cauzin problims.

I asks: “What this stress thin?”

Mom sez: “Is wen lotsa stuff happnin all at the saym tim.”

I sez: “But yu do that all the tim.”

So she sez: “Yah, but it’s wors wift weddins. Is mor lik wen yu gets the crayzees, onlee runnin verree fast evreewher don’t halp, so yu starts tacklin peeple’s legs an chewin on arms.”

“Oh,” I sez, cuz I was hopin she hadn’t notissd.

But is OK, cuz we noes how to handul what mom callz the Uber-Crayzees. (It seem lik uber is the Germin werd fer wikkid, like “wikkid smartypants.” Yu kin alwaes tell wen mom ben talking to Mykul, whu teetch her Germin werds.)

This is wher we bring in the Bite-Meez. I lern about this from mai Onkul MeToo an mai Ont Jenna, whu alwaes WRESTLED wift a Bite-Meez doggee when they livd wift mai mom. (Mai granpa callz it “rasslin.”) See, mai Onkul MeToo is Uber-Crayzee almos all the tim, egsep wen he is sleepin on a lap. (I don’t sleep on laps. Yu see what it kin leed to?) I gots a Bite-Meez guy too, only mine’s a Tiger. He is verree feers, as yu kin tell. He try to chew on mai tummee or mai toez, an I holds him off wift mai feets whyl I grabs his hed an chew on his eers.

Is hard work, but I feels mutch betterer afterwards. Mom callz that CATHARSIS, that is parentlee a old Greek werd fer “chewin on somboddee’s eers.” (She didn’t say so, but I’m getting gud at figgerin out werds from CONTEXT.)

So aneewae, mai perscripshun fer Ont Meredift is she got to be getting a Bite-Meez to rassul wift.

Mom sez:

She has one. She lives with Uncle Me, Too.

Musashi Sez:

I noe that. Huh. So she kin borro Onkul MeToo’s doggee, an mebbe he kin teetch her som cool triks how to chew eers reellee gud. Then instead of bein all stressd, she kin be feers lik mom’s hero, Buffy, whu bashiz vampirez (Mom sez they’r lik rabid doggees, egsept they don’t dress as gud.)

An I givs them all 2 starz: Bite-Meez, Buffy, an Ont Meredift.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Thingkin about Langwudj, Part 3

Musashi Sez:

Oh hai. I wuz goin to wryt mor about weddins todae, but mom sez it's Ayprul Fool's Dae, and mebbe hoomin peeples won't tayk what I sez srsly. So I'm goin to talk about langwudj, that isn't so importint as mai Ont Meredift's weddin. I get back to talkin about weddins tomorro or so.


I jus fynded out that mai cozzin Raychul noes how to talk in French, that is lik Inglish, egsept all the werds ar diffrint, if yu kin imajin this. She sez it’s not eezee, but if yu has peeples to talk to, wift theez new “werds” then yu kin mayk othr kins of peeples unnerstan yu. This werks fer boft hoomin peeples and kittee peeples (an mebbee even doggees, but I noe how hard that is to beleev, so we won’t talk about that todae).

I told her I didn’t unnerstand, so she told me to go look in the bible, an mai mom fynded the lolcat translayshun agin fer me, lyk she did when she wuz tryin to egsplayn that Jesus feller. So heer is a storee about langwudjiz an how they got to be lots. This com from the LOLCat Bible Translation Project. (An yu gots to rememember that they somtims spells thing in funee waes. Trai to ignor it, if yu kin.)

Genesis 11: Teh Towur ov Babel

1 And all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz usin' lolcats werdz. 2 Whial teh menz be movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv Shinar an sitted ther. 3 Dey sed, "Hai, letz maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fiir." So dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?) for mortar. 4 Den dey sed, "Hai, letz maek reel tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!"

5 So Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh men an ther towerz. 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez, "Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! 7 I gots'ta confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" 8 Dat's wai Ceiling Cat pwnsed 'em an dragd 'em away from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. 9 So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin' dem.

Musashi Iz Bak to Egsplayn:

OK, so ferst yu got to noe that “babul” meen speek in diffrint langwudjiz, somthin they hadn’t ben doin befor that. But when Ceiling Cat pounsd on them and mayd them all run awae speekin funnee langwudjiz, that is wher we gut all thoz othr werds fer thins.

Now, I noe that this is all perty stranje. It duzn’t soun lyk Ceiling Cat mutch, egsept fer the pounsin. But befor the LOLcat translaytrs got to it, this storee got wrytd by hoomin peeples, cuz kittees has that annoyin thum problim wift the wrytin. So yu gots to rememember what mom calls “CONTEXT.” Them hoomin peeples was annoyin Ceilin Cat, an that jus nevr a gud ideer.

Smartypants kittees wud nevr do somthin lik that. Huh.

Mom adds:

Musashi, oddly enough, is not the kind of cat who gets up on top of the refrigerator or the bookcases, for example. Some of you may be acquainted with the other type of cat, whom you may recognize in the Bible story. Also, I think the LOLCat Standard Version of the bible really needs to be edited and revised. But does anybody offer grants for that? For the evangelization of kitteez everywhere? No, of course not. Huh.

Clearly, I have been listening to Musashi a bit much...Sigh. Anyway, for the curious, bitumen is spit. Also, the pictures of the tower of Babel are by Pieter Bruegel and M.C. Escher.