Saturday, October 24, 2015

Chaptr Ten

Captain Morgashi paced the deck of his ship, The Scarlet Panther. He was in a troubled mood. All the plans were in place both here and back in Lundun, but he wasn’t feeling gud about either of them. Somthin was sure to go wrong. He had sent the men out to make a big noise in town, or rather, several big noises. They had kazoos and everthing.

Then the captain put on his schnauzer disguise and sneaked on board one of the big Navy ships to listen in sekret to the sailors talking as they swabbed the deck.

"I can't beleev that Commodore St. Wiffinton is makin us wash the deck wift water," says one.

"Wull, you did climb up that sail wift yer claws, Joe, when yu had the crazies yesterdae."

Morgashi left them to their icky task and went to listen to the petty offislers whu was lookin at a map.

"No doubt about it. When those dread pirates come after us, we is goin to whup their butts."

"George, does we have a shnauzer on our crew?"

Morgashi sneaked off the ship before anybody else cud notice him.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Chaptr Nyn

Meanwhil, bak in England, the king was getting cranky. He knew that his birftdae party was gonna be expensive, especially cuz of all that fansee importid cocoa, but he had expected his tax gathererers to be more efficient in gatherin the taxes. So he thort and thort about it an finally he asksed his Exchequer (who is the guy who writ the king's cheques) fer som advices.

The Exchequer recommended sendin out privateers to steel money from the French boats, an account of France not bein friends wift the English at taht time. The king was perty happy wift this idear, so he gave the order and then went back to playing checkers wift himself (which he did mainly becaus that was the only way he could be shur to win).

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Chaptr Aigt

In the days leadin up to the Great King’s Birthday Cocoa Convoy Armada, Port Royale was a very egsitin place to be wift all the cargo ships and the navy ships spiffing themselves up fer the trip. It was the peeples spiffing the ships, I mean, cuz ships not gots the posable thumz necessary fer spiffing properly.

Meanwhile, just off the south coast of Cuba, Captain Morgashi’s ship, Scarlet Panthr, was also getting itself spiffed. The feller wift the spectacles was runnin aroun yelling at folks, Jack O’Bowsprit was checkin thins orf a list on a soggy clipboard wift a green pencil in his mouft. Captain Morgashi was carefully lickin his shiny black fur, cuz it do no gud to have a spiffy ship if yer captain ain’t equally spiffy.

As they spat an shined and generally spiffified, the crew sang sea chanties. Admittedly, they hads to change some of the words so that they ended properly, cuz lotsa those sea chanties wus writed by the Navy guys, whu doesn’t have a sense of narrative irony.

"Aloft there, aloft there,"
  Our jolly bosun cried.
"Look ahead, look astern,
  Look to weather an' a-lee."

"There's naught upon the stern, sir.
  There's naught upon our lee.
But there's a lofty ship to wind'ard
  An' she's sailin' fast and free."

"Oh hail her, oh hail her,"
  Our gallant captain cried.
"Are you a man-o-war
  Or a privateer?" cried he.

"Oh, I'm not a man-o-war
  Nor privateer," said he.
"But I am salt sea pirate
  All a-looking for me fee."

"Oh get her, oh get her!"
  Those pirates they did cry
And the pirates they did get them
  And they sank 'em in the sea!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Chaptr Sevun

North of Kingston, Sir Edmund St. Vincent-Harewood-Osprey, Esq. ambled through his cocoa groves with the viceroy who, bein a much youngerer man, was feelin very impatient.

“Sir Edmund,” he said, “I feel you are not takin the seriousness of this situation, well, er, seriously.”

“Son, I’ve seen cocoa come an cocoa go. It will outlast all the pirates, you mark my words.”

“But this isn’t just any pirate. It’s not like we’re talkin about Red Beard or Captain John Partridge. This is Morgashi that I have to handle!”

“Weeell, yes, he’s a caution, an no mistake. But I have been readin the reports, boft in the newspapers an the letters from my opposites in London, an everbody says his crew is naught but a rag tag: cats, dogs, hoomin peeples, a old circus tiger and the like. Whut we have in the Royal Navy is 100% men, and British subjects at that. How can we possibly lose?”

The viceroy sighed. He had dealt with such narrowly educated men before. He said carefully, “Sir Edmund, have you ever lived with a house cat or a dog? Or, for example, attended a circus?”

“What? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Horses, that’s the ticket!”

“Yes,” said the viceroy. “That’s what I thought.”

Sir Edmund gave him a hearty slap on the back, as such men do, and left him to ride gloomily back toward Kingston.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Chaptr Sixx

The weekend was busy fer everboddy whu worked at the Royal Bank. All the janitors, tellers, clerks an manager types were working overtime from hom. The janitors baked jelly rolls. The tellers layered trifles full of creem. The clerks made eclairs and the managers made muffins. The analysts filled pies and the commissioner baked cakes. Monday morning rolled around to find a whole lotta peeples feelin eevn less happy than usual to be comin into work, cuz not only was they all egzausted, but they all felts all sortsa guilty fer fallin orf their diets.

An on top of their work wift the jelly rolls, the janitors had to put up the big red an yeller tents outside the bank on account of it migt start rainin again, an nobody wants soggy eclairs. The clerks had to make the signs wift their rulers an magic markers, an the analystises had to figger out what prices to charg fer all the different things. Then the tellers had to sits behind the foldin tables an actually sell peeples the fuds.

It was a verree long dae. If, in the midst of the bustle, any of them bank folks noticed a little man in spectacles taking notes (an buyin a half a dozen eclairs), they didn’t see any signifificance of it.

In the end, the consensus tally of the money was $1294.62 +/- 11.37, which was still not enougf to pay fer three whole ships wift actual orficers, but Commissioner Gordon was pretty shure she could get the Viceroy to pitch in to pay for the orficers hisself. After all, the whole convoy thing had been his idear in the firstest place.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Chaptr Fyve

Captain Morgashi made his way from the poop deck, where his litter box was, to the quarter deck, where the little man wift spectacles was steerin the ship. Morgashi relied on him completely fer evrythin from plottin their journiez on the map to cleenin out his litterbox (on account of his havin posable thumz), but he cud nevr remember the man’s name, so he hedged.

“Ahoy, sailor! What news?”

“Smooth sailin since the rain let up, sar. Also, Jack O’Bowsprit said to tell yu that he’d be back soon, rigt aftr the bank meetin, where he will have been spyin up a storm among his betters, sar.”

“Oh yes, that is gud news, er, Bo’sun. Send him to my cabin as soon as he gets here.”

In his cabin, Morgashi curled up and tukt a nap while he was waitin. Ten minits latr, Jack O’Bowsprit knocked on the dor an caym in. Bein a person of the Beagle persuasion, he licked Morgashi’s face befor he cud give his report. Morgashi was not too happy about this, but because Jack had a eagle-eye nose an very strong skills in linear thinkin, Morgashi dint say nothing about it.

“Report, sailor,” he said an wiped orf his face with his Garfield hankerchif.

Jack said, “Well, Captain, them bank folks is planning a trap fer us. The King’s birftdae is comin up an the viceroy plans to ship lotsa cocoa back to England fer the celebration. But the Royal Navy is goin to accompany them cargo ships so we can’t get at them.”

“Hmm,” said Morgashi thortfully. “We could take this a few different ways. First, if we kin mayk the Navy think we gots an armada of pirate ships, they wud send lots and lots of Navy ships wift the cocoa, leavin the islands underprotected. That cud be a opportunity. Second, we cud get one of our spies on one of them ships to detect—“

Jack barked, “Don’t look at me, sar!”

“Well, third, then. We cud alert our contacts in London. Once the Royal Navy has escorted the ships over the waters, they are problee not gonna be too interested in the cocoa on land, in the port warehouses. We cud do a spot of pilfering there, I expect.”

“Captain, you is just full of innerestin idears!”

“Yep,” said the captain, carefully lickin a paw. “I am at that

Monday, September 7, 2015

Chaptr Forr

In the boardroom of the Royal Bank, lotsa importint peeples sat around a really long table. Commissioner Leticia Gordon had given up her chair at the end of the table to the viceroy, who was in a foul mood.

"Those darn pirates!" he yelled. "They keep stoppin our ships and stealin our gold an it has all just got out of hand! What are you peeples doin about this?"

The island's cheif of police yawned. "If you can't keep our gold safe in yer bank, then what do you expect us to do about it?"

Gordon frowned. "I say, that is unfair. If it wasn't fer his Vice Regalness here, we wudln't have had that party in the first place and ther wudn't have been a distracshun for them to use."

Hay-on-Bloominton stood up and looked out the window. Everywhere he looked there were stoopid palm trees. He hated palm trees. He wanted to go back to England, where peeple were civilized. But the king said GO and he went. "Very well. If the police can't keep our gold safe, it's time to bring in the navy. The king's birthday is coming up and the Royal Quartermister has ordered a three shiploads of cocoa for the occasion. Between Blackbeard, Sparrow and Morgashi, you just noes that them pirates are goin to attack those ships. So we are goin to make a caravan of the merchant ships an navy ships to protect them."

Gordon said, "An who is goin to pay them? The gold Morgashi stole was sposed to be the pay for the ships currently posted here."

"That," said the viceroy wift an evil grin, "is your problem. I suggest you has a bake sale."

Friday, September 4, 2015

Chaptr Three


It rained all day. At the Royal Bank, everbody was in a foul mood, an nobody was in the mood fer a party, but the Viceroy and the Commissioner would be arrivin any moment now, an so the bank clerks blew up the bloons an put out the fuds on the big tabulz. George, the head clerk, grumbled to himself, but then he cheered up, when he realized that there was gonna be jumbo shrimp cocktails, which was his favrit.

At fiv o'clock on the dot, three peeples walked in: Viceroy Hay-on-Bloominton, Commissioner Gordon, and a jaunty feller wift a long red coat and big boots.

The viceroy said, "So Captain Morgashi, how goes the war on coconuts?"

"It's not easy," said Morgashi, pulling some sashimi-on-a-stick out of the cantalope. "Every time we shuts down a coconut dealer, two mor come and take his place. An they are cuttin the coconut wift all kindsa crazy stuffs like sugar an salt an eevn turnip shavins if yu kin beleeve it."

The small talk continued as a small band gathered in the lobby an began playin square dance music, because somebody had hired the wrong fiddler.

Captain Morgashi turned to Commissioner Gordon and said, "Care to dance?"

Then, while the commissioner was swishin her skirt an the captain was do-si-doing, in the background where nobody wud notice them, a little man wift spectacles sneaked in wift a ragtag band of brothers in scratchy suits, all incognito, an they slipped into the back room where the safe was.

"Turn up the music!" yelled the captain, an the band played as hard as they cud. "Napoleon's Retreat" never sounded so gud. If there was in the background the sound like a small exploshun,  peoples just figgered that it was sound effects.

The party ended just aftr midnight, an at first nobody noticed the complete lack of chili sauce, or, fer that matter, gold.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Chaptr Too

Meanwhile, out on the horizon, a storm was brewing. The sky was the color of very bad corfee, brown with swishes of milky clouds, and the sea was grey.  The pirates returned to their ship, carryin all the fishes an the iceboxes, an singin pirate songs. Up on the foredeck, Captain Morgashi was pacing back and forth tryin to decide who to rob next. They had food for at least a week but they needed gold, because nobody take you seriously as a pirate unless you gots lotsa gold.

"Pirate Roberts," sed the Captain. "When was the lastest time we robbed the bank ship from Lundun?"

"Dunno, Captain. Seems like it's been a while."

The little pirate with the spectacles an the clipboard said, "Captain, some of the men are asksin if we cud maybe rob somebody of their chili sauce to go with the fish."

"Chili sauce?" roared the Captain. "What'll people think of us if we run aroun robbin people of their condiminiments? Gold! That's what real pirates steal!"

Down on the main deck there were ominuss murmurs from the men. The captain had to think fast. A storm was a bad time to hafta be worryin about a possibul mutiny. A small lightbulb appeared above his head.

"Aha!" he shouted. "I have just the idear!"

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Chaptr Wun

It was a bright an peaceful day in a small city in the middle of the Carrybean Sea. In the open markit, peoples was buyin fish fer dinner an talkin about how the weathr was much worser last year. Ther was eevn som peoples singin "tralala" which just goes to show that peoples don't know very much about omenz.

Suddenly a shot rang out. Everbody screamed. Ther on the top of the city walls, was a bandit. Yu could tell cuz he was wearin a mask, an most honest folks don't wear masks cept at Halloween, which is in October, and this was May.

"A bandit!" they yelled.

"I'll have all your fish!" he shouted below, putting his blunderbuss away and pulling out his shiny sword. He swished it in the air, leaving a faintly shiny R in the morning dew.

"Not our fish? What do you want with our fish?"

"It is very fresh, is it not? That is best for travellin when you don't has referidgitatayshun."

The fish monger looked suprized. "I don't have refredigit--what you said. All I has is this ice box."

"An ice box? What ho!  Then I shall has that too!"

And suddenly there was all these pirate-looking types, incloodin one wift spectacles an a clipboard an a littul pencil. He tookd charge and before you knoes it, all the fish an ice boxes was gone!

Monday, August 31, 2015

Whut I Did This Summr

So I tookt the summr orf to be a Gentulman of Leezhur an writ mai furstest novul. This is a novul of adventchur, wift chays sceens and pirates and lotsa derring-do, which are the sortsa things yu kin expect from a novul, especially if it is writed by ME. I had to hide mai writin from Mom, cuz she is a English teetcher an they ar known to be perticular about things lik spellin an plots an tranzitions an stuffs. An I didn't want her to be crampin mai style. So I writed in one of her old notebooks wift my trustee purpul crayon (except I did the fightin sceens in red and the long, borin descriptions that nobody reads in green).

But then I went to try an type it up and it just no good typin wift paws. The keys are too little and it takes ferever to get to the end of a sentence if I try to type wift just one toe. So I hadsta admit to Mom about mai Novul an aksksd her to type it fer me. She was verree surprized, because she thought I had spent the summer jus lyin around.

This could not be furtherer from the trooth. I was imaginatin like crazy. Sometimes, I sat in her compyuter chair and jus stared at the compyuter fer hours. Parently, lots of novulists do this. At one point I asksd Mom if I could have a cup of corfee (preferable in her ninja mug), but she said that it would stunt my growth or somthin. So mai novul migt not akshullee be as EXCITIN as I had planned.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Once the Furniture Is Bak to Normul...

Musashi Sez:

So the landlords is "bringin the parmint up to code" which apparently mean cutting holes in all the walls and som of the ceilings and making us move the furnichur when my friend Jack isn't actually makin another moovie. I keep lookin to see if ceilin cat reelly is watchin, but maybe his is on vaycayhshun. Meanwhile, I has been making plans for my summer.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Chaysin the Red Dot, a epic pome by ME

Musashi Sez:

Well, Mom just toldid me that one of the reezons she has been writin an writin is that it is Aprul an that is National Poetree Monft. So she is writin her epic poem, which is a long pome about epic deeds. So I thoughtid that I would get in on the actshun. Wish me luck.

I pat the Muzes on the arm, repeatedly
To get their attenshun: Lo, the red dot
Will not chayse itself. I must do the deed!
They pay me no attenshun, so I pull
Wift my claws on their fansee white skirts.
What ho, fair muse? It is time to chayse
The red dot, an then writ fansee poetrees
About it. Why are yu pickin me up an throwin
Me out of the muse hall? That not fair!
The red dot MUST BE CHASED. I am goin
To tell my mom on you ladies! Yu are
Not doin yor jobs!! Shame on yous. Huh.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

In Which Our HERO Steals the Kapyooter fer a Whil

Musashi Sez:

This was posted four days ago, but I thinks Mom glitched it because then we cudnt find it. So here it is again.

Okay, I noe it has ben a while, but Mom has been abslootely HOGGIN the kapyooter again. She has this stoopid poetree blog she is writin so when she sends out her book lotsa peeples will buy it. I has been halpin as much as I can, by sittin on her hands to keep them warm whil she is writin or typing. Yer welcom. But now that she is off to the gym to egzercize so her brain dont overheat an get all explody, I can steal back the kapyooter fer a whil.

She leaves the books out an I sit on them an tell her which of the ones she doesnt need to read cuz they are borin. I sitted on this one book all about Greek history from when people ran aroun wearin sheets for some reason. I not unnerstan hoomin peoples, but I wud say bloo jeans are a betterer idear if you jus dont have enough fur.

Also, I has been thinkin about what to do fer spring. I mean I spent a lotsa time persuading ol Jack Frost to halp us get that sno record. Yu kin thank me laters. But if you has idears fer a new evil plot, I cud shur use yer halp.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Mom Sez Enugf Alreddee!

Musashi Sez:

So it turn out that, parentlee, Mom has been reedin mai blog cuz she tolded me recently. ENUGF ALRREDDEE!!! STOP WIFT THE SNO AN SHLEET AND THAT SHTUFFS!

Hnurf. Fine. If you not wants to spend mor time wift me, then fine. Go to yer werk. It notl ik I care. Hrumph.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mai Macchiavellian Plot: SUCCESS!!!

Musashi Sez:

Wull I noe you has not been hearin much from melately. Partly, that is becuz I has been runnin round the apartmin bein SEVEN! which is a whol lotsa fun. But also it is becuz I has ben runnin a multistate CONSPIRACY, and that is jus egzaustin. See I came up wift this ideer to BRIBE JACK FROST to snow extra in Massachoosits so that our hoomins wud stay hom wift us.

Now, I knoe wut you are thinking: how cud Musashi pull this off ALL BY HISSELF!? Well I didnt. I had lotsa help. Sherlock and Dash Strang sent me some MYSTERY STORIES fer JACK. Pellinore Sobel an his brother sent some unidentifiable VEGETABULTARIAN stuff that we not want to look at too closely, but apprently Jack really liked it. Then Tycho and Kepler Musselman sent a actual GLOBE of the WORLD that spins! 

Iris an Lateegra Thorndike/Breeze were goin to send some vegetabultarian stuff, but we had that covered, so then they sent a BICYCLE instead! And we has been running out of stuffs so I has offered to teach Jack some TIGER KUNG FU. We may need to get other kitteh peeples or even doggies involved if we are goin to keep pulling this off, bur I am perty confident we kin keep this goin till March, at leest.


Sunday, January 25, 2015

Musashi Sez:

So mai Mom lovs me So MUTCH, she gotted me a early birftdae prezent, this is a NOO Litter mat shaped like a bone fer some reason). It is shiny an black like me, which is cool, an also, it not catch the litter, which mean it is easier to clean.

I not aksks fer mutch. Actchooly, I asksed Mom fer a tricycle to ride around the partmint, but she said that we would have to see about that and told me to look online fer kittee safety helmets. So far I has not finded any, which is shockin since that means LOTS and LOTS of kittees is biking unsafely.

I think I am goin to invent a Society fer the Promotion and Innovation of Tricycle Helmets for Kitteez. SPITHK. You all kin join!

Monday, January 19, 2015

So Far, So Gud

Musashi Sez:

Well, so far I has been doin pertee gud on the rezolooshun front, altho it has not been easy. I wakes up at like three thirty oclock and I has to NOT WAYK MOM UP fer like whol HOURS until four thirty oclock finally happens on the clock. This is egzausting and often means aftr she leaves fer werk, I has to nap ALL MORNIN. But Mom has mostlee been keepin her rezolooshuns too, so I does not feel so bad about it.

Also, Jack is back!  Hooray! An also Anna, who is teetchin me to cook. I has been playin soccer wift Mom, so I shud be svelte by summertime.  (Mom says gud luck wift that. Thanks, Mom!)

Eventchoolee, I egspekt all this not waking Mom up is goin to get easier. When it does, I intend to make gud yoos of mai extra free time by taking up recreational sneezing.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

New Yeer Rezolooshunz

 Musashi Sez:

Well Mom got verree upset with me this morning an she has been makin me writ mai noo yeer rezolooshunz all dae.  So far I got theez ones.

1. I will not trai to wake Mom up at midnigt fer brekfest. (she mayded me write this one like elebenty hundred times. I figger she want me to be sure that I am spellin the words rigt.)
2. I will not trai to wake Mom up until AT LEEST 4:30 in the mornin.
3. I will lern to tell time from the akshual clock.

So thoz are the ones she want me to resoloot. Here are some I has fer her:

1. I will get up an feed MUSASHI the first tim he pat me on the noz.
2. I will not has a cranky if I gets up to feed him an he alreddy has the fud.

Oddly enugf, I has notissed that Mr. Tyger an mai Rhinosersaucerous buddy has boft been findin othr things to do when this subjict comes up. Huh.