Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wull, the egsytmint todae is that I is parentlee mor lefthandid than not. We diskuvrd this wen we wuz playin wift the Layzr Poyntr (that mom calls the Kittee Crak Dot, but I don’t noe why, cuz I hasn’t brokdid anythin playin wift it yet). Wen the trikkee light com neer me, I smak it wift mai paw, but onlee the left 1, cuz that’s jus eezee-er fer me. Mom sez, “Yep, yu’r a leftee, jus lik yer granpa. He’ll be veree pleezd.”
This is eevn tho I do mos othr thins wift whutevr paw happin to be avaylubul at the tim. Huh.
A NOTE ABOUT THE TITLE: I cudn't com up wift a gud titul fer this post, so I asksd Mom whut Onkul MeToo wud call it, an she caym up wift this verree fast.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Parentlee, Thxgivin is a speshul tym fer rememembrin the Pilgrmz, whu wer theez funnee gyz in hats whu din’t lik the Inglish King’z reelijon, and whu reellee liked to eet. When yu’r eetin, yu haz to hav yer napkin in yer lap, so jus in cays som fud falls, yu kin pertend yu ment to tayk it wift yu laytr. Also, yu shud wyp yer mouft an pawz wift it somtimz, to show how yu tryin hard not to be piggee. This is a reel piktchur of ME an MAI akshul NAPKIN!!!
OK. Now yu go try an dijestify.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
So I wuz jus talking to mai frend, Mistr Tygr, about mai possibul fyootchr kareerz. He sed he thingks that I wud be a natchral houskat. At frst I thogt he wuz maykin a jok on me, but he wuz verree seeryus.
“Yu got mad ninjr houskat skillz,” he sed. “Yu iz alwaes stretchin or watchin brdeez out windo. Isn’t that whut houskat does?”
I told him, wull, yea, sorta. I had to egsplayn that bein a houskat is not zaktlee a kareer, an that I hav ben traynin day an nigt jus in cays I cud be a fyzikl therpst, or possibul a ornithololojst, which is lik sombodee whu stretchiz othr peeples out and sombodee whu noes stuff about brdeez.
“Huh!” I sed. “Imajin yu not noeing that!”
Of cors, he does got stuffin fer braynz, but he’s a gud frend aneewae.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wull, despyt mai Mom’s insistinz on how cyoot mai toez are, I has overcom this particlr handy-cap an is lookin fer mai akshul skillz. Now, I offinz figt Mr. Tygr, whu is pertee fiers, but if I kin get him at the insydz of his jawrz, I kin tayk out his tonslz. On som daez, when I am in mai bestest form, I kin do this 2 or 3 tymz in a singl dae. Huh. Yu nevr heerz of hoomin peeple doctrz whu kin do that!!!
Still, as Mom points out, not evrbodee has multipul tonslz, lik my buddee Mr. Tygr. In fact, verree fyu peeples has sutch a talent fer regrowin their tonslz. So mebbee bein a toslectomist isn’t mai fyoochr. Mebbe I shud jus lern to do stuff lik preepayr the sooshi, wift deftnis an also art an possibul speed. As a Sooshi Shef I cud mayks lotsa monnee, although Mom pointz out how I wud hav to stand on my bak feets fer lik hors and hors.
I needs to thingk mor on this. Huh.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Now I iz cleerlee a kittee peeple, an is well-noen how kittee an doggee peeple don’t alwaez get along so gud. But yestrdae, Mom an me wer surfin the Innerwebs togethr. We
found this sit about doggeez whu was soldjrz, from the Werld Warz to the now war. An we boft thogted that we shud comememorayt thoz brayv doggeez fer halpin keep the werld sayf fer demokrissee an crooltee-freeness an stuff.
(I shud point out tho, that wen I akskd Mom wher the war kitteez wer, she thogted fer a whyl an sed, “Wull, they’r probabul the offislers, wudn’t yu thingk?” An of cors, she probabul rigt. Huh.)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tomorro is Vedrenz Dae, which is fer foks whu has servd in a war. But fer som reezn that I’m not too cleer on, it also is “Stay Hom wift Yer Kittee Dae.” Personl, I suspex this is cuz fynlee hoomin peeples has reelyzd that we not goin to get werld pees until we figgr out why kitteez is so peesful. I suspex that the Yoonigtd Nayshuns or mebbe the ASPCA is behind this noo wae of doin pees stuff. I’m fer it, as a rool, cuz it meen I gets to hang out wift mom, on a Wendzdae!!! (That nevr yoozhul happen.)
So go hang out wift yer kittee peeple, or yer kittee peeple altrnit. Kthxbai.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Huh! So far, WE are helthee, but we are heerin storeez bout folks whu is gettin this floo and that floo, the upper and the downer, all verree sad. So we helthee folx kin onlee repeets whut yu alreddee ben heerin: WARSH YER HANZ!!!
okay. yu goz now. kthxbai.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Well, Mom now has a ferst frend to catch the swyn flu, an sins it her buddee Jim from Kungfoo, we has to assoom that he was tryin to lern the Veree Seekret Crouchin Pig, Hydin Gander form. Yah, egsotik figtin arts, an all, but I thingk it not werth it. Huh.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
That intenslee hoomin werld that mai mom is traipsing around in has lots of dezeezulz, also noen as infekshuns, or ilnissiz. Tummy or lung or eerz or noz, all them infekshunz is jus bad!!!
But parentlee, the werstist dezeezul laytlee is this new Swyn Floo thin.
See, it go lik this. If sombodee, say, in sothrn Chyna, whu has som pigs that they rayz fer (don’t tell them piggeez!) fud, an they also livs in this arear wher geesiz com to hang out in som timz of yeer, then, po-ten-chullee, WHAMO!!!! Yu gots the possibulness of a floo that has gon thru 2 or eevn 3 speeseez, an that nevr gud.
Now I has a pertee strong (tho vayg) beleef in Ceiling Cat, an I noe that he liv and pouns an hav his bein in us heer on the erth-glob-thin.
But I also hav slept on buks on the Spannish floo of 1917~1921 or ther-abouts. It wuz jus lik this one heer, egsept that they had jus finishd a Werld War, so lotsa gyz wer commin bak hom, bein sik. Still, we gots lots mor ayrplayn fligts now than we hadsd then. Oy. So hard to figgr.
Mom sez that I shud jus tell yu 2 thins;
1) Keep washin yer hans, but not wift that BAD Anti-bacterul stuff. Thingk: BAD KITTEE! Yu shud jus onlee yooz the soep or alkolol-based stuff. (Then yu a gud kittee.)
2) I fergittid the sekund 1 so I goin to mayk it up. Gimme a sekund.
La la la! Warm! Baby, Warm! REETCHIN OUT!
Tutchin me! TUTCHIN YUUUUUUU!
(Soree fer the elevaytr myoozik. I not noe how to turn it off on the HOLD funkshun.)
Aneewae, oh yah the sekund thin. Wull, Mom wuz telling me about how she seed a postr about the helfcayr thin, an she halpd me find it on Guuugul. So I thogtid, if ther ar Merikanz whu is so unner the wethr that they callz in to werk ded, we gots to fix this. An I gots the perfikt fix. But it compulkaytid, so you gots to pay attenshun.
See, aftr yu runz out of sik daes, yu gots to start callin in felyn. Evrbodee noe that kitteez got to gets extra naptime evr six hours or so. Ther eevn a veree innerestin case goin on rigt now about a partiklr unnaymd blog wher they didn’t giv the kittee an rabbit perdooserz of the blog enugf naptime an, parentlee, they gots in all kinda trubbul.
So yu migt eevn be abul to yooz the Merikanz wift Disabiliboblteez Act to supportz yu in yer figt.
There. I has done mai seeryus for the month. Now we kin focus on havin fun an stuffs.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mom sez that todae is the Feest of All Saynts. I sez, “The whut of all whuts?”
She sez, “It’s like a party to celebrate holy men and women, you know, the ones who make Ceiling Cat happy.”
“Oh,” sez I, “why yu not say that befor?” An then she givd me som zampuls. So heer they ar.
St. Augustine: Mom call him Saynt Crankeepants, cuz he not so nys to women, but he wuz reellee smart. Still, his mom shud’v togt him betterer. Negativ points.
St. Jerome: Saynt Eevn Mor Crankeepants, cuz he wuz eevn wors about women, but at least he tookt a thorn out of the paw of a Lion. So negativ points, but it cud hav been mor negativr.
St. Patrick: He the gy whu went to Ireland and mayd the snaks run away. Egsept they not run cuz they not have toes, but yu noe. Positiv points.
St. Joan of Arc: I not noe why they callz her this, cuz she got nothing to do wift Noah, but she had a veree cool sord. Lotsa points.
John 23: He not offishullee a saynt yet, but mom liks him cuz he made them Romin biships comb all the snarlz out of the Romin church, so they not be cogfin up hayrballz so much aneemor. Also, he mayks them trim their clawz so they not scratch peeples so mutch. Or somthin lik that. Positiv points.
St. Francis of Assississi: He is hard to stop spellin, but he the bomb fer us kittees and doggeez an othr critturz, cuz he talkt to us an eevn preetchd to us, an didn’t call us nastee nayms lik SOM peeples whu claym to be saynts. (Huh!) Points off the map!!!
So I asks mom wen she goin to invyt theez gyz ovr to eets wift us. She sez they’r mostlee ded. That is jus weerd. Why yu partee wift a buntch of ded gyz? This is startin to soun lik that Harry Pottr fellr an his antiks. Huh.