Saturday, January 31, 2009

Becomin Reflexobble

Musashi sez:

Las time I told yu abowt choozin yer traynin mousees. Now I tell yu how to be mor reflexobble. Is importint fer huntin, cuz yu gots to be reelly bendee an also to moov reelly fast when stuff happens. Like burds, fer instins.

Now I kin do this natchural, cuz I’m so dashin. I dash evrywher. But not evrbody got mai motorvayshun. So I tell yu abowt a new thin that’s goin to help yu lern.

Is kalled KOOSH an it’s perty fantastik. Is lik a wobblee bug wift rubber fur. Mai new frend Obbee show me this. Yu kin pik it up in yer mouft an throw it up! and then catch it! or bat it away! or jump on it! or jes abowt anythin yu want. ACROBATICS is possibul too.

An the best part is yu don’t need yer hoomin peeples to help yu plae wift it. An it’s too big to get unner the TV stand. An it’s soft, so if it do somhow get on the taybul, it won’t really hurt anything. An you kin plae wift it over an ovr an it don’t get tai-erd, lik sometimes mai pelikan does. He’s a gud guy, an he’s mai frend, but mom sez pelikans not bilt fer mad huntin, like kittees ar.

So yu go an get Koosh Ball an start praktissin refleobble-itee. An yu send me note on how it’s goin. I mosly onlee get notez on how bad mai spellin is. Huh. As if spellin were somthin importint.

Mom explains:

Do get a Koosh for your cat. It will give you hours of entertainment. Also, exercise for your cat. Probably simultaneously.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Joy of Toes

Musashi Sez:

Las week I mentshunned attackling peepul's toes. Som of mai readers asked about it. They rote to me on their kapyuters an sed, "Musashi, yu spell pretty bad, but this is also hard to unnerstan. Cud yu explain fer me?"

I kin do that, cuz this is a importin part of bein a kittee. An acshully, I spelled exactly whut I ment. See, the problim wen yu'r small is peepul walk past yu an from down here, the feets mov pretty fast. So yu kin't just attack, yu gots to tackul too. Like those football guys. An mebbe yu somtimes gets ankuls as well, an somtimes yu gets stepped on a littul. But nobudy sed bein a kittee was goin to be eazy or always fun. Yu gots to be touff. An then mos times yu gets the toes, so it's all wurth it. That's espeshully gud when they'r not wearin shooz. Cuz first if yu gets stepped on, it's not so bad, an sekund, there's the ROBUST SCENT (I asked mom how to spell it) of the socks. I noe that my Onkul MeToo, he livs in Texas, likes toes better wiftout the socks. But like, mom sez, it takes all kindsa peepul to make a world.

Mom Explains:

It does indeed take all kinds. Oh, yes, it surely does.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Mad Huntin Skillz

Musashi Sez:

So peepuls has been askin about how I train to gets mai mad huntin skillz. Is eazy. I has a 2-part trainin program, not countin all the attacklin toes that I do. Mosly I trains wift balls and mousees. Any kind of ball is gud, espeshully the kinds wift bells or the 'nip. But mousees has to be carfully pikt and trained, an also mom has to likes them or she won't buy them fer me. So that meens they eether gots to be cheep or kyute or soshully ree-sponsi-bull. Or all 3. Or at leest 2.

Also, cuz mom is wierd, they tends to be innernashunnul. So fer exampul, I has one mousee, his name is Ulrik but he is acshul from Sweeden, not Germinny. She gots him fer me at Ikea, an he was cheep an kyute. Also, it turns out that he dries out pretty gud if yu gets him wet, fer exampul, by droppin him in yer wadder bowl. Yu jus puts him in a sunnee window an he dries out. Mom sez this is becuz of his polee-ester, an I thingk that's Sweedish fer he dries out gud. Mom jus likes long wurds.

The other ones is from Gwatta-molla, an that is sowth of Texas. They speeks Spannish. Like, if I'm winnin, one of them will sqweek "O-lay!" an mom sez that meens he's not afrayd of me. But somtimes they sez "Vah-mose!" insted, an that meens "Mousees, run away!" An okayzhunully, one sez, "Meekasa essukasa!" an I thingk that meens they shud all hide unner the TV or the cowch. They does that lots. That mite be cuz they'r soshul reesponsibull, but I'm not shur.

Anyway, if yu'r hopin to get betterer at huntin, I rekamens getting the right mousees fer the job. Ulrik gets two stars an the Gwatta-molla moussees gets three stars, cuz mom must reely like them cuz she's buyed about six fer me.

Mom Explains:

Ulrich was two bucks at Ikea. He's from the children's department, not the pet toy department, although the pet toy mouses—whoops, mice—that they had cost exactly the same. But Ulrich doesn't have hard surfaces or catnip, which means I can keep him under my pillow at night and pull him out in the morning to distract Musashi from attacking my feet. Like, for example, at 5:30 or so…

Guatemalan Catnip Mice - Pair $9.95. "With each pair of catnip mice purchased, The Animal Rescue Site will fund 14.0 bowls of food for animals living in sanctuaries and shelters. These two mice come stuffed with certified organic catnip! Handmade in Guatemala from a dizzying selection of traditional woven textiles, these fun cat toys are made available to us through the UPAVIM program (United for a Better Life/Unidos Para Una Vida Mejor), a crafts-marketing program providing funds for a children's clinic and other health and education projects in La Esperanza, a poverty-stricken area on the outskirts of Guatemala City. Mice measure 2" L (5.1 cm). Handmade in and fair-trade- imported from Guatemala." Not cheap, but the guilt factor for buying cat toys is practically negative.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Fhysiks fer Kittees

Musashi Sez:

Las tim, I told yu about assertin yer dominos. Then som smarteepants rote to me on the kapyuter an sed, "Musashi, that was jeommetry yu told us about, wift strings an all. Do yu noe fhysiks too?" Of corse I noe fhysiks. I alreddy told yu. I noe lots of stuff. An not all of it is oppinyons. Some of it is the kind where eevn if som peeples don't agree wift yu, yu'r still rigt. They'r kald fakts.

I lern fhysiks from mai roommate, Karli. She is studyin to be a farmacist. I thingk that meens she's goin to teech fhysiks to cows an pigs an chikkins somday. It's like when mai mom went to Japan an taugt English as a Speshul Langwudj. Cuz cows don't natchurally do grabitee so gud. (There's even po-et-tree about it. Yu kin tell it's po-et-tree cuz it mentshuns the moon.) Cows has to koncentrate reelly hard or they ar floatin away agin. That's why they always has that funnee look, like chewin grass is hard. It's not the chewin that's hard. Is grabitee.

Grabitee is the law of fhysiks that sez yu gots to stay on the ground. Mom sez she obeys grabitee reelly gud, an inersha too. Personly, I figger grabitee is mor a sujjestion. Inersha is the law that yu gots to get a masheen put inside yu when yu is born. Is like clock. It makes you keep goin when it's on, an reelly stop when it's off. I make shur it's on when I exersize in mornin an at sundown, an off when I sleeps or naps (cuz then it makes yu too hevvy fer humin peeples to pick up). Mos of the day, I keep the inersha on AUTOMATIC so it kin figger out what I need.

This stuff is mostly NEWTONIAN fhysiks. That meens it's the eazy kind. When yu'r older, I tell yu about QUANTUM. That's the mos importint kind fer kittees, but yu'r not reddy fer it yet.

Mom Explains:

He's right. You're not ready for quantum physics yet. You're really not. Especially given the way he's probably going to try to describe it. Oh my, no.

The cartoon comes from Brook McEldowney, 9 Chickweed Lane. Check it out!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Actin Lik It's Instinkt

Musashi Sez:

Humin peeples thingk that bein a kittee is eazy, cuz it's all instinkt. They thingk that when we jumps on a windo sill or between the legs of a chare, we'r jus doin it natchurally, la la la, like that. They don't reelize how much praktis yu gots to do if yu'r goin to do stuff by instinkt. But it's gud if yer humin peeples thingk yu'r doin stuff by instinkt, cuz then yu kin get away wift all kinds of stuff.

Fer instins, it's reelly importint to assert yer dominos. That's when yu acts lik yu'r in charj, an it's very importint, even if yu don't live wift a dog. Fer instins, finding the exakt center of the bed doesn't jus happin. It takes plannin. I tell yu how.

Ferst, yu gots to get 2 peeces of string. (That's as many as yer front paws, fer yu littul ones owt ther who doesn't count so gud yet.) Yu cud use shoelaces too, but they'r not uzhually long enougf, an anyway, it kin be hard gettin them on the bed an then yu ends up leavin footprints, an that kin give yu away. An yu cud use pens I gess, but yu'd need lots an then when yu'r don, yu'd hav to nock them all on the flor, an yer mom or dad will probable notis. So string is best.

Anyway, yu takes a string in yer mouft, an jump on bed an make string go from 1 corner of bed to other 1, across like. Then yu do same thing wift 2 string in other direkshun, so it ends up lookin like when yu crosses yer front paws. This cud take lots of tim, so yu gots to do it when yer mom or dad is away fer a long tim, like mebbe Monday. Then when yu gets the strings all crossed, the part where they'r over each other is the exakt center. Yu gots to mark it wift somthin so yu kin rememember, like a peece of litter or if yu chew a peece of a claw off.

Then if yu wants to plae wift string, yu kin do that, espeshully if yu heers yer humin peeples comin hom, cuz they'll jus thingk yer bein kyute, an yu kin gets away wift anythin if yer kyute enougf.

An when yu kurlz up in the exakt center of bed at nite when they'r tryin to sleep, they mosly jus mutter about yer amazin instinkt, an lets yu get on wift it.

Mom Explains:

Do remember, folks. You're sworn to secrecy on all this…

Friday, January 2, 2009

Baftub Sayf-tee an Enlaitend Self-Intrest

Mom Gives Background:

The other night, I was brushing my teeth and Musashi jumped up on the edge of the sink and stood there watching me. "Soopervyzin," he calls it. I had to lean over him to spit in the sink. He sniffed the Minty Freshness ™ and then jumped down into the bathtub, "inspektin," apparently.

"Inspecting for what?" I asked.

"Huh. Baftub Shnowzers, obveeussly," he said.

I told him that Bathtub Schnauzers were an urban legend, that there were absolutely no verified accounts of small schnauzers coming up through bath drains, and no reason why they would anyway. He disagreed.

Musashi Eksplayns:

Huh. Urbin lejends always have som truft to them. Everboddy noes that. See, whut happned is these humin peeples was washin their shnowzer peeples an they uzd too hot wadder, and the poor lil shnowzers sherunked! An, cuz ther was so mutch bubbulz, the humin peeples din't notis an they rinsd the doggees rigt down the drain! Is perty terribul.

So ever sins then, these lil doggees has ben wandrin the soowers, tryin to find their way bak hom. But soowers isn't nice places, an they gets cranky (the shnowzers, not the soowers). So good kittees all over Amerika has to stan watch over their humin peeples so they don't get bit on the butt. Is srsly importint dooty.

But kittees got enugf dootees. We got to pownce on stuff, an keep trak of burdees owtside the windo, an be Wayk-Up-Call Kittees, an jus all sortsa thins. So I ben thingkin that I shud mayk a plug that has a place fer humin thums on top part fer putting in an takin owt. An on the buttum part, it'll hav a lit-up sign (spelld in shnowzer, of cors) that sez, "Hey, Shnowzers! This not yer hom!"

Then I mak lotsa money, an the shnowzer peeples gets hom faster.

Mom Explains:


Musashi Correkts:

Don't be sillee. We calls them Anti-Shnowzer Plugs.