Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Operayshun No Tikkee, Part I

Mom Says:

When they returned to the hotel, Agent Octavian described his plan to Alek, and then curled up on the television for a nap while Alek made preparations. When Octavian woke just before midnight, Alek was wearing an olive green uniform and cap, and was sticking on a thin brown mustache. At his feet was a bulky black duffel bag.

“Jump in, Eight. We’re going for a ride.”

Inside the duffel, Octavian could feel himself being carried down the hall. They stopped and then the floor lurched.


“Sorry, Eight. We’re in the freight elevator. I’ve got a van out back.”

When Alek finally unzipped the bag, Octavian found himself in the back of a van filled with cleaning fluids, mops and brooms. He was thoroughly dizzy.

“Nex tim, warn me, OK?”

“A thousand apologies, Eight. And there’s more coming. Get your harness on and climb into the vacuum bag.”

Octavian looked at the bright red standup vacuum with the canvas bag attached to the back. “Yu got to be kiddin, rigt?”

“’Fraid not, old man. You said I was to get you in with the night cleaning crew and this is how we’re doing it. Oh, one more thing. I have to rub ink over your white spots.”

“Yu not toutchin mai tukseedo!”

“Don’t worry, it’s temporary. But you can’t afford to show up in the dark. And don’t forget: if anyone shines a light toward you, shut your eyes or at least squint. Otherwise, your cat eyes will show up like a highway reflector.”

“Huh. If M din’t want a kittee peeple fer this job, she shud hav foun a hoomin.”

But he allowed Alek to dye his white spots and wriggled into his harness, and crawled grumbling into the vacuum bag. Alek climbed into the driver’s seat and they were off.

Operation “No Tickee” was underway…

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Maykin Sneekee Planz

Mom Sez:

Back at the hotel, Alek helped Agent Octavian take off the camera collar with its garnet studs.

“Did you get much?” Alek asked.

“Yu bet. The whol plays smel lik soap. It was comin up throu the vent, so I got boft a pikchur an one of them X-rayz. I reellee lik that collr!” Octavian patted the garnets.

“Agent 8, you have to focus!”

“Sorree, Alek. From what that bankr gy sed, the monee laundrin mus be set up in the baysmint, wae down. I figgr if I kin get into the vent, I just has to follo mai noz.”

“Capital. So we simply need to figure out how to get you in the building.”

“Let’s get som noms firs. Brayn fud halp wift maykin sneekee planz.”

Musashi Sez:

Aklek drov us to the fanseepants restoront that Jimbond tol me about, Le Chat dans le ForĂȘt. We got a plays bai the windo, so I cud sit on a cushon nex to the taybul an not hav to yooz one of thoz embarrassin baybee chayrs. Huh.

Jimbond had rekamendid the toona, but they didn’t hav anee, so I got trout, which is lik toona egsept fer it tayst all diffrint. It had cruncheez on top! Alek had theez weerd local “dumplings” that has som Germin naym I ferget.

We saw lotsa kitteez ther, incloodin som moovee starz I nevr herd of, an a big grey Perzhun whu Alek sed ownz a doggee toy empyr. (If yu can’t beet them, mayk monnee off them, I ges.)

As we wer leevin, I notissd a gy sweepin leevz out of the lobbee. Mor of them treez insyd a bildin! Veree stranj. But it givd me a brilliant ideer…

Friday, July 24, 2009

Rekonnasins, Kittee Style

Mom Says:

Alek drove Agent Octavian to the white concrete building with the darkened windows and parked. He got out and opened the back door, and Octavian leaped out.

“Good luck, Eight,” he said.

Octavian strolled into the bank, his black plume of a tail held high.

Herr Direktor Schmidt covered his surprise with polished ease as the black cat strolled up to him and sat at his feet next to the polished brass ventilation grille.

The lights glinted on the gemstones in the cat's collar, and he scratched his ear.

“Herr Octavian,” said Schmidt. “It is a pleasure.”

“Hayr Shmit, thanx fer meetin me. I herd gud thins about yer bank bak in Londin.”

Schmidt led him into his office, which was all dark wood and soft leather. “So kind,” he said. “In your letter you indicated that you might be interested in taking advantage of our…special services.”

Octavian jumped up on the leather armchair and curled his tail around his feet. “Wel, yu noe how it is. I mayd mor monnee in wun of mai…biznissiz… than I egspektid, an I had to put all the ekstra in mai littr boks, an now it’s all kinda stinkee, if yu noe what I meen.”

“Er, quite. Well, I’m sure we can accommodate you. Your secretary will be arranging the delivery, I presume?”

“Yes, he’s verree gud at that stuff. So, yu do all the werk heer in this bildin?”

“The majority of it, by far, jah. The principality of Lichtenstein is so small that we must build down, you see, so the building is more considerable than it may appear.”

“Yu don’t sae,” said Octavian, as Schmidt escorted him out.

Musashi Sez:

There was som mor stuff, lik, “Oh whut a nys contree yu hav heer, wift all the mountenz, “ etc., but yu wudn’t be innerestid in all that. I went hom to the hotel an tuk a nap.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Arrivin in Yoorup

Mom Sez:

Stars twinkled on the broad wings of the 747 as it banked for its final descent into the Zurich airport. The wheels bounced once, twice, three times on the tarmac and then rolled to a halt. Anyone waiting in the arrivals section, watching, would sigh softly in relief and then stare eagerly at the door, pretending nonchalance, while raking their eyes over the seemingly innocent tourists, worrying, perhaps, about one who seemed just a bit too good to be true.

Businessmen in suits marched in, yawning. A young man, carrying an attachĂ© case in one hand and a long black leash in the other, attracted brief attention. But once the onlookers saw the black cat attached by a harness to the leash, they looked away, as if to say, “Oh, just another foreigner.”

The cat raised his head and sniffed the Swiss air. Then the two made their way through customs and out to where a hired car awaited them.

Musashi Sez:

The car ryd from Zoorik to Vadooz was jus horribul, wift turning cornrs, stopping, startin agen… It remindid me wai I don’t lik car rydz. An if that weren’t bad enugf, mai eerz kept poppin.

Alek, mai “sekretaree,” offrd me som choowin gum, but I cudn’t imajin Jimbond blowin bobbulz, so I sed, “No thanx.”

Wen we got to the hotel (it had treez in it!!!) Alek did stuff wift payprz an then we went up to our room (biggr than mom’s whol partment!) an slept fer ten owrs strayt. This whol spyin thin is hardr than I egspektid.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Tranzlayshun Teknolojee

Musashi Sez:

So Q just sent me not only the fansee layzr cuttr, but also his newest invenshun, the LingwaTron 9000K. The K version meen yu kin press buttnz wift yer klaws. This is verree egsytin. I’v ben testing mai mom on pfrazis lik “Hello,” “Good morning,” “Thank you,” and “Cheers!” She noez a whol lot mor than I thogt she wud, but she rmindid me that she went to Midulburry fer collidj, an everboddee ther noe lotsa verzhuns of lotsa werds, espeshullee “cheers.” She didn’t egsplayn wai. She jus sed, “We’ll, yu noe: collidj…”

Anneewae, I hav memerizd how to sae, “I am flooent in bizniss” in 6 langwudjiz, an I figgr that wil tayk me pertee far. Meenwhyl, I has to lern by nappin on mai Gettin to Noe Yer Lingwatron 9000K.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Whu This Waltr Mittee Gy?

Musashi Sez:

So mai mom is tellin me I’m jus lik that Waltr Mittee. But he is not lik Jim Bond or that CIA laydee, Victorier or Valereir or whuevr.

He is mor like Snoopee (the doggee), whu have lots goin on all the tim. He is alwaes bein a Werld War 1 flyin ays or a rays car dryvr, or a lawyr, or astronot, or Beegul Skout, or inshurins saylzman, or somthin egsytin lik that.

So why I am lik this Waltr gy instead of Snoopee, I don’t noe. Cuz Waltr is a hoomin gy, an Snooppee is a doggie gy, an sins I walks on all 4s somtims—ok, mos of the tim—I thingk I’s mor like Snoopee.

Somtimz, mom is jus weerd. That’s all.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Enterin the Innernashunul Siblingeree

Musashi Sez:

The coolist thin about lernin to be a spy is that suddinlee I is a membr of a innernashunul siblingeree, wift bruthrz an sistrz all ovr the wurld. I ben gettin poscards an telleegramz wift messudjiz like: “Dirmu sashi allth ebest .STOP Yrfrn
dbond jmzbo ndSTO P….” Bob the Maylman thingk it’s kinda weerd, but I has mom tatch them to the erfidjieator wift magnets, along wift her poscards from egsitin placiz like Switzerlund, Italee, an Albanee. Oh, an also Londin an Vermont.

Cleerlee, mai mom is cozmapolitin, but I’m catchin up!

An theez nys nots is comin from not onlee British an Merikan peeples, but also from Artch-Ryvul Spy Typs. I got a poscard from Dr. Woof: “Ajint 8, I luks forward to figtin yu paw to paw. DW.” I wuz qwyt tutchd. Is almos lik we got mor in commin wift eetch othr than wift the gy down at the Petco.

An of cors, I also got nys messudjiz from folks in The Servis (yu gots to writ it lik this, tho I’m stil not shur wai…). An ajint whu I rispekt (but whu I kin’t naym fer reezins of confidenshialitalitee) tol me not to worree about mai spellin. He sez, “As far as consistc gos thats for smal mines.”

I respekts his opinyon. An jus so yu gets a tayst of mai noo lyf, I show yu zampul of the kinda cod I werk wift now. But don’t trai to reed it if yu aren’t a spy, cuz it’ll mess wift yer hed.


Coded Messudj: NOT FER YU!!!

deera jint4 9than xfero ffrin halpm oslee Imoko nthew ashin stuff butal lthem hoomi npeep lessp eekin germi nisfr eekin meout pleez advyz

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mai Osmosis

Musashi Sez:

As mos hoomin peeples whu liv wift kittee peeples noe, kitteez do mos of their lernin by nappin on books an “printouts” an lik that. This follo from Rul #14: If yu’r doin it, we’r sleepin on it. Wiftout that rul, kitteez migt not hav becom the rulrz of the wurld that we ar. At the verree leest, we probabul wud not hav lernd neerlee so mutch.

Anneewae, durin this week wen I am bizzee lernin as mutch as I kin fer mai secret mishun, I am doin a lot of this lernin by osmosis. (Prezumabul, Mosis lernd his 10 Commands from God jus lik this, sleepin on them big roks wift the writin. We ar luckee in the 21st centuree to hav paypr to be sleepin on. Evn them hard-covr books is comfortabuler than big rocks.)

The books that “M” sent me ar the baysiks: Survaylins fer Kitteez, Countr-Monnee-Washin fer Kitteez, Licktenshtyn on $1000 a Day, an Gettin to Noe Yer F146 Camra-Collr. I also tryd nappin on Licktenshtyn: Brayv Countree of Mountenz!, but it was so borin, I fell off the couch in mai sleep.

Rigt now I am sleepin as fast as I kin, cuz I noe that tomorro or the dae aftr, I’ll be getting mai quipmint from “Q” an so I’ll hav to sleep on Gettin to Noe Yer Micro/Paw-Drivn Layzr Cuttr. I’m thingkin that mom won’t be too happee about it, so I migt hav to hid it unner a couch pillo or somthin….

An mebbe this the downsid of spyin. Shur, yu gets the egsotik lifstyl, the grayt fud, an hart-skramblin dangr. But yu also has to puts up wift deseet an lik that.

This deep stuff. I got to be taykin a nap now. Nigt.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Not Apollojetik

Musashi Sez:

Som of yu reedr peeples ben complaynin about mai spellin again, so I figgerd I wud writ yu a verree stiff not. Mom sez I cud call it an “apollojetik” cuz I am speekin in defens of mai pozishun. She sez thoz old Greek gyz inventid the ideer, so I spoz it’s based on that god-fellr, Apollo, whu was prettee gud at talkin an singin. But is sillee. Apollojee is wen yu haz to say “sorree.” An I am not sorree about mai spellin.

1 of mom’s frends sez mai spellin is awful, an I has desydid to beleev she reellee meens awsom, like inspirin “Awww!” from peeples cuz they’r so impressd. Mai granma keeps sayin that I shud “praktis mai spellin,” but is sillee, cuz I am praktissin all the tim! She sez, “Whut ar peeples goin to thingk? Yer mom is a Inglish teetchr an she spozd to check yer spellin. An it luk lik this?” (I’m whut mom callz parafrazin heer, OK?)

See writin tayks lotsa tim. That’s why somtimz I don’t publish mai blog everdae. Cuz somtim mom is too bizee graydin her students payprs to tayk the tim we need to argyoo ovr ever wurd. Lik this:

How manee tim I tell yu? “Might” got an H in it.

Musashi: How yu noe? All yu heers is the M, I, an T. I jus throws in the G cuz yu lik it an it look lik a kittee tail.

Mom: Yu don’t beleev in dikshunareez, do yu?

Musashi: Cors not. Somtim nex yeer I’m goin to writ mai own dikshunaree. Yu kin hav yers, an I’m havin myn.

Mom: Well, kin yu at leest be consistent an spell the saym wurd the saym wae all the tim?

Musashi: I spell it how I feel it at the tim. Som wurds mayk me feel happier on Toozdaes than they do on Windzdaes.

Mom: OK. Fergit the apollojetik. What yu ar writin is, ahem, “An Epistemological Study of Empathetic Orthographical Reform (Feline Dialect).”

Musashi: Wow. I had no ideer I was so smarteepants…

Now we do this fer evree wurd. So yu'r all jus luckee we evr finish theez blogs at all.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Mai Promoshun!

Todae Ms. Dench sae mai teetchrz yoonanimously votid fer me to skip rest of traynin an go on a praktis mishun!

Mai Khemistree teetchr wanted me to go somplaes calld Norftkoreer, an mai parashootin teetchr wanted me to go to Norftpol, but Ms. Dench sed we’d start wift Licktenshtyn, sins I alreddee nappd on lotsa books about it, an she thingks it's the kin of mishun that needz a kittee'z tutch. An if I do reellee well, she's goin to put me in IS, the Inter-Speciez divizhun.

So I got a week off to perpayr, an then I starts mai spyin!!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Seekret Traynin—Dae 4

We had feeld dae todae, but ther was not volleeball or piknik. Sted, we had to junp out of playn. (Gud thin mom didn’t noe, cuz she’d freek.)

Luckee I caym perpayrd. See, parashoots reqwyr thumz. This a problim fer me. So I had to be sneekee. I figgerd, at Spy Skul, mebbe they gives me points fer sneekee.

So wen the first gy wuz gettin reddee to junp, I sed, “Oop. I gotta go to littr box agen!” an I sneekd to pilot’s kabbn. I wippt out the hankee wift the klorphyl on it, nokt out the pilot, flipt opn mai copy of Flyin C-17s fer Kiteez, an took ovr flyin. The co-pilot didn’t eevn notis. That how gud I am. Huh.

They wer serchin all ovr fer me, an eevn yelld at the pilot fer not havin his parashoot, but by that tim, I’d landed the playn.

Aftr the teetchrz finishd yellin at me, Ms. Dench sed, “Musashi, what are we goin to do wift yu?”

Somtim, she souns jus lik mai mom. Well, egsept a whol lot classier…

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Seekret Traynin—Dae 3

Spyin’z hard. We has these classiz wift a blakbord an chok, an we can’t eevn plae wift the chok! Huh.

So I curld up an was nappin fer a whyl, an teetchr got all crankee. He wayk me up an aksks me qwestshuns lik, “What’s propr yoos of klorophyl fer putting enermeez to sleep?” Wull, of cors I noe the answerz, cuz I ben nappin in the libraree, in the Applied Khemistree sekshun.

But that onlee mayd teetchr eevn mor crankee. He sed he’d writ a “verree stiff not” to Ms. Dench, an that soun lik Brittish wae of sayin he’z goin to complain about me.

2 of mai classmayts sez I shud be mor diplomatik, but it don’t seem fayr to sassinayt the teetchr just cuz he has crankee.

Huh. Skul is verree hard wen yu’r a natchural.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Seekret Traynin—Dae 2

Mai trayernz sez I got gud Instinks, but I gots to lern Judjmint.

I thingk this is cuz I ran up the big old ok tree an down agin befor the hoomin gyz eevn got their sayftee geer on, but then I rubbd aggenst Ms. Dench’z ankulz, purrin, an mebbe that wuzn’t gud ideer.

Mayd sens at the tim. Huh. This spyin hardr than it luk.

Seekret Spy Traynin—Dae 1

So MI6 hasn’t egsaktlee sed they’r taykin me yet. I has to “go on a cors of traynin” first. But alreddee I lernd som vokabyoolaree:

Data Gatherin:
Data Confermayshun Activateez: Spyin on othr spyz.
Diplomatik Innervenshun: Spyin an sassinaytin.
Esbionazh: Mor spyin.
Red Tayp: Nothin iz getting don about this til Cristmus, if yu’r luckee.
Survaylins: Watchin foks.
Survaylins Qwipmint: Stuff lik peraskops an opra glassz. Also, collr camraz. (I can’t wayt to get myn!!!)
Traynin Orientayshun: Fillin out payprz. Is lik red tayp, egsept wift a #2 pensil.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Mai Praktis Mishun

Musashi Sez:

Mom sez I shud start small wift mai spyin, so I asksed Ms. Dench to send me to this littul playse calld Lick-ten-shtyn. It is nex to Switzerlun an it has a big problin wift hoomin peeples bringin their monnee to be washd. Wai they can’t wash it at hom, I dunno, but parently, this is problim.

Mai granpa has workd wift this problim heer in the Amerika. Neer as I kin figger, wen you washiz yer monnee, the green stuff fayd so it hard to see how mutch is werth. Ms. Dench sez they been washin thoz Inglish pound payprs so mutch, she can’t hardly see the numbrz anyeemor. So I gotta go in an see what I kin do.

But is a big seekrit, so don’t tell noboddee, OK?


Almos 008.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Shaykin, Not Bein Stirrd

So I ben thingkin lots about bein a innernashunull fynanseer or possibul a spy. Mai frend Pamaler sed she thingk I’d “probably be a good spy, as long as you don't fall asleep on the job.” Huh. As if I wud.

An aneewae, I ben seein thoz Jaymz Bond mooveez, an he spend lotsa tim in bed. So cleerlee, that not somthin that kin keep yu from bein a reellee gud spy. Espeshul cuz hoomin peeples see kittee peeples sleepin an they thingks that we arn’t payin attenshun. But is eezee to keeps 1 eye opn from tym to tym to keep trak of, fer instins, bad gyz.

An eevn if hoomin peeples (or eevn doggee peeples) run past us, they nevr egspekt us to notiss them. Huh. Stoopid peeples.

I ben praktissin mai spyin skilz in the windo all yeer. I kin tell yu all about Bob the Maylman, an the foks acros street whu has doggeez, an the funnee “joggerz” an lik that.

So wen I fill out applikayshun fer MI5, they goin to be all ovr me. I be “008” in no tym.