Noah, the Gy wift Thumz

Musashi Sez:

Mom sez that yu gyz all has herd about that feller Noah whu bildid an ARK, which is a kind of boat fer carryin lotsa critterz in it. She sez that yu akshul beleev whut that hoomin baibul teetch: that Noah wer The Gy, an that the aminals wer sorta aftrthogts. Huh. In the piktchur, they onlee shows sheep, cuz sheep wer popular cuz of their fur, not lik, say, anteaters or herons. That's OK, tho, cuz mom sez that the art that gets protektid is uzhual the art that supports the PO-LIT-IKUL STATUS QWO. So we are disappointed, but we'r not too surprizd.

Still, I figgr that yu wud rathr noe the akshul trooth, so I is goin to tells yu it. But becuz it migt get long (lik littrbox long: go now!!!), an som of mai reedrz migt hav trubbul wift lolcat speak, I is havin mom do the tranzlaytin fer me. She tellz me that her Jeezus fellr sed that “the trooth will mayks yu free,” so she is willin to halp all she kin. Yu noe, somtim, when she tayks naps when I wants to plae, or wants to plae when it cleerlee naptim, I thingk mai mom is ridiklus. But at tims lik theezes, I lovs her. Huh. She gots that emptee mynd that we all shud stryv fer.

Mom Says:

1. There is a difference between empty and open. I have an open mind. Open. Not empty.
2. I lovs yu tu, Musashi. So heer is yer skriptchur.

Musashi Sez:

Mom, don’t doooo that!

Mom Says:

Oops. Sorry.

Musashi Sez:

Huh. Now mai creaytiv joosiz hav stopt flowin. I jus cannot prodoos seeryus litratchur if yu’r goin to criteek me all the tim or, eevn wers, talks about lov. Huh. Mai jentul reedrz will jus hav to wayts til next tim, an that migt werk betterer, sins that’ll be aftr yer jooree dootee, an also I will hav gotten ovr mai shtink. Hrrmph.

Bai Skin of Mai Teeft

Mom Says:

Just as Agent Octavian was snapping pictures of the drums of soap and boxes of pound notes, the workers came back from their break. Octavian slipped back under the conveyor belt, but his fine black plume of a tail lagged behind the rest of him and was seen even as it disappeared into darkness.

Once again, the excited voices sounded like two cats coughing up hairballs:

“Doch! Hab' ich 'ne Katze gesehen?”

“Hier! Sei nicht so doof!”

“Na ja, es war aber ein Hollenmaus!”

Octavian quickly referred to the Lingwatron, which whirred quietly. While it worked, he noticed, imprinted on the back, “Made in China,” which, he thought, probably explained quite a lot. Finally, it gave him a translation:

“Hey! Was that a cat I just saw?”

“Here? Don't be an idiot!”

“Then it was one hell of a mouse!”

Not entirely accurate? Undoubtedly. But it gave him a brilliant idea…

Mai Mishun, Almos Accomplish

Musashi Sez:

I crept closr an peerd up at theez big round mettul drumz in the cornr. The writin on them wuz not in Inglish lettrs. Luckee, mai spiffee LingwaTron 9000K had a speshul pad wher I cud draw stuff. Mai clawz shuk a littul, cuz I worreed that the workrz wud com back anee moment from their naptim. But I drew what I figgrd wuz a clos aproksil—appoxim—it lookd kinda lik the piktchur writin on the drum. The LingwaTron chirpd lik a birdee at sunset an then it spit out 2 possibul translayshuns:

1. Great Honorable Invisibilator, Confabulated in Middle Kingdom
2. Super Fade-Away, Made in China

Ha! Moussee!* I tuk pikchurs wift mai niftee camra collar. Then I turnd an saw a box that had reglar writin on it, kinda sydwaez, floor-to-seelin: This syd up. Bank of Inglund. Mor pikchurs. Mai work wuz pertee much don.

Mom Sez:

*Moussee! is a cat's version of Bingo! or Jackpot! Cats are more literal than humans.

Infiltrayshun Continyooz

Musashi Sez:

Aftr I herd the egsitin noiziz, I stopt compleetly an onlee lissind. And ther wer hoomin peeples’ voysiz talking. At leest 2 gyz, an it soundid lik they wer coffing up a hayrbal or 2. So I creept lik a insegt and lissend verree cayrful. An this is what I herd:

"Ach! Es gibt noch Schaum an den Schenkel. Hör auf!"

"Hab' es nicht getan. Und es ist ebenfalls deine Schuld."

"Ich...Ich sag' dem Chef Bescheid."

"Halt's Maul! Wir sind schon verspätet!"

Now I don’t speek Germin, so I had to turn on mai LingwaTron 9000K. An it showd me what they wer tryin to say, mor or les.

“Hello. Your bubbles have traveled here. Please to stop.”

“That were not my own. In addition, you are to blame, clearly.”

“I shall mention this on your performance review, you know.”

“Listen well! Our rota is not performing ‘to spec.’”

An I noe that tranzlayshun is not a egsakt art, so I figgerd ther wuz mor goin on heer than wuz meetin mai eer…

Tranzlayshun Teknolojee

Musashi Sez:

So Q just sent me not only the fansee layzr cuttr, but also his newest invenshun, the LingwaTron 9000K. The K version meen yu kin press buttnz wift yer klaws. This is verree egsytin. I’v ben testing mai mom on pfrazis lik “Hello,” “Good morning,” “Thank you,” and “Cheers!” She noez a whol lot mor than I thogt she wud, but she rmindid me that she went to Midulburry fer collidj, an everboddee ther noe lotsa verzhuns of lotsa werds, espeshullee “cheers.” She didn’t egsplayn wai. She jus sed, “We’ll, yu noe: collidj…”

Anneewae, I hav memerizd how to sae, “I am flooent in bizniss” in 6 langwudjiz, an I figgr that wil tayk me pertee far. Meenwhyl, I has to lern by nappin on mai Gettin to Noe Yer Lingwatron 9000K.

That Midwinter Nap-thing, and More

Musashi Sez:

OK. So yu hav ben listenin to humin peeple's myoosic for the last 3 or 4 weeeks, an yer brains is mushy. Is natchural. That fa lalala cud make Mister Einstin's brain mushy in a day or 2. I kin help yu wift that. Furst, yu needs to hav a nap. Nappin is the anser to mos thins. Srsly. Sekind, yu needs better myoosic. I'm workin on that. This is Musahsi's Carrol-song TRANSLATION PROJECT. I'm goin to traslayt humin carrol-songs into kittee langwaje: lolcat. It's a differkult projekt, but I'm a perty smartypants kittee. I'm going to start wift "Good King Where'sMySausage" and go on from ther. If yu has sepifsick. no spersepfik, no, spec, no, ERGMeerp Meep MeerUp?.

If ther's a song yu wants tranzlaytid, yu jus e-mail me, OK? Gud.

Mom Explains:

He's not joking, not about the importance of the Nap, not about the importance of Songs. So let us know what you are most interested in hearing translated. Please. Or he'll just make something up.