Yesterday is Winter Solstis. It is when we gets done wift the reelly short days an no sun, and when we turns around an has mor sun an less dark. Cleerly, solstis is gud thing. But mai mom has been tryin to explain to me about Kristmus. Apparently, Kristmus is this big deel fer som humin peeples. I asked mom if other, normul peeples (kittees an tigers an cows, an even dogs an mousees) worry so mutch about Kristmus, an she sed, "Well, it dependz." She sez that a lot. I thingk it's cuz she's LIBERAL. That meens she always tries to see, like, ten sides to everything. Somtims, is annoyin.
Anyway, from what I kin unnerstan, about 12 or 15 hundred cat-yeers ago (so like 5000 cat-lifes ago), this humin peeple was born, an his name was either Immanule or mebbe Jeesus. She doesn't noe. This humin was ekspectid by lots of folks, but they ekspectid him to be borned in a big PALACE where kings genrally get borned. If he'd done that, then he wud have been surrounded by lots of other humin peeples, who wud hav lickd his fur, an then mebbe they wud have figgered, "Oh, heer is that humin peeple that Ceiling Cat [mom sez yu calls it God] promissed us. Hoorah!" But it didn't go like that.
Insted, his mom an dad kept tellin the shelters that they needed a place fer his mom to have her litter, but they wudn't help (an mom sez they even unnerstood that she wasn't goin to hav like 4 or 5 kittees, only 1, but they wudn't even give her a space behind the cowch). So his mom an dad had to go to a barn where there was a cow an a donkee an a sheep an there wasn't even a cowch fer his mom to have him behind. I noe this is hard to unnerstand. But mom swears it's true, an she takes stuff like this reel seeriously. So I tends to beleev her.
Anyway, so this Immanule/Jeesus peeple was borned in the barn an these angels, wift humin peeple looks but also wings like berds, came around singin how he was goin to save everybody. An this is where the whole thin gets silly, cuz he's only a humin peeple, an shur, he's got thums, an that's reel helpful, but save the werld? Wift jus thums? I dunno.
An also, I looks at how the werld is these days, wift so many kittees (an yes, even dogs) wiftout homs, an cows crowded at the faktries they werks at, an even the sheeps (an everybody noes how dum sheeps is) crowded at faktries, an the pigs (who are akshully kind of smart) crowded at faktries, an they'r all lettin themselfs get killed by humin peeples, like it's all normal an okay. An it isn't.
Chikkins, yeah, okay, chikkins is dum and we needs to eat them. But reglar animal peeples, who kin figger thins out an feel pain an stuff. That kan't be rite. So I thingk that mom's hero, Immanule/Jeesus, is eether a fake or he jus has a whole lot mor werk to be doin and he shud be gettin on wift it. Mom sez she tries to help, an that's why she buys stuff from ree-sponsi-bull companies. Cuz she sez this Jeesus fella is goin to ask her seerious qwestions later an she wants to be reddy. Cuz if she isn't reddy, then Ceiling Cat will get reelly upset wift her. An that sounds bad.
So I gess I gots to help her. Even if the Kristmus thing don't make sense. Cuz she's mai mom an she brought me hom when I was losted and they had me in the shelter. So it's the leest I kin do. Now if I cud only figger out how to help. Besides tellin her about Ceiling Cat an how cool he is.
This is the text of the Scripture I tried to explain to Musashi. It is the LOL Cat Standard Version (LCSV), Luke 2:1-20. [I have made minor changes for clarity.]
Oh Hai, Jebus iz Bornd
1 'Roun dis tiyem, Caesar Augustus wuz like, "I can has cenzus?" 2 ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible census!) 3 And all teh doodz went home for [it] saying, "I is heer!" 4 So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz borned, 'coz David wuz hiz graete-graete gran-daddie. 5 An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married wif him an she was preggerz. 6 When wuz time for teh baybee, 7 it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish, cuz teh innkeeper wuz liek, "No room here, kthxbai!"
Sheep-doodz n Angels
8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring, srsly. 9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!! 10 But teh angel sed, "DONT AFRAID OF ENYTHING! [It] r ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz! 11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! [Is] Christ da Lord! w00t! 12 Iz sign fer u, find da baybee wrapd like burrito in a big fud dish."13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai."
15 An when da angelz go invisible again, sheep-doodz sed, "Sweet, nao we find teh burrito-baybee sayvur!" 16 So dey left da sheeps (sheeps r vry borng) and found Joe an Mary and da baybee in da fud dish. 17 An when dey saw it wuz baybee an not burrito, they told evrywun he wuz kewl. 18 An all teh doodz who herd were lyke, "[N]eat-o burrito!"19 An Mary wuz lyke, "O rly?" 20 Teh sheep-doodz sed, "Yay fer Ceiling Cat! Was not invisible burrito!"
I'z not shur this Bai-bul thing is helpin, but it does say that Ceiling Cat is who to thangk an/or blame, so that is helpin. Anyway, it makes mom an her frends happy an then they gives things to each other and akts nicer. An mom an my roommates is normally pretty nice, but I thingk it helps if they'r remememberin the son of Ceiling Cat bein born in a barn. Mebbe it makes them mor likely to give money to shelters like www.therescuesite.com an similar. So that's mebbe okay. I goin to reed mor of this LCSV buk-thing an gets bak to yu on it.