That Noah Gy, Part 2

Musashi Sez:

Wull! It has ben a long week, an no jok. It alreddee Wenzdae! Huh. An I ben distraktid, cuz I gots a noo roommayt, whu's laundree an books an stuff I hadz to sniff, cuz, yu noe that mai job, or part of it. But that not meen I not ben thingkin about mai jentul reedrz. So todae we givin yu the Lolcat Bible fer the next bit of the Noah storee. Then tomorrer I tell yu wich bits mayk sens an wich bits is jus ridiklus.

Mom Says:

Genesis 7: 1-23 Ceiling Cat Sendz teh Wetness

1 Ceiling Cat den said to Noah, "Goes into teh ark, yu and yer kittens, (cuz yu’r coolz an righteous an stuff, in dis generayshun) to taek wift yu 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an its mate.

3 An also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female, cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female (for saem reason) to keep their various kindz livin throughout teh Urf. Fer 7 daiz and frum nao I’m gonna send teh wetness on teh Urf. A little advice, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez.

4 Fer 40 daiz and 40 nites, it goin to be wet and I goin to pwn some n00bs. Pwned!

5 An Noah did what Ceiling Cat told him to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and teh bullz.

6 Noah was liek reely old when teh wetness came. 7 An Noah and his kittehs enterd teh ark so tehy wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. 8 All teh moo cows and teh other creetchurz Ceiling Cat saidz; 9 male an female, came to Noah and he dun put them in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. 10 An after teh 7 daiz, teh wetness came.

11 In da, like, 6ooth year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth—on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz spewed waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. 12 An teh wetnessez came to teh Urf an it was all wet.

13 On dat dai, teh sons of Noah (Shem, Japheth, and Ham, wift ther wivz), 14 Tehy hads 2 of evry kind of aminal accordin to its kind, all moo accordin to its kind, evry creatchur dat mooves on teh grawnd, accordin to its kind an evry burd cordin to its kind, evrythin wift wings too, accordin to all kindz. 15 Pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came to Noah an enterd teh ark. 16 Teh aminals goin in wuz mayl an femayl ov evry livin thing, as Ceiling Cat had told Noah. (Except fer teh unicornz, and teh dragonz and stuffs. An that a long storree, that get told other-wher.)

17 Fer 40 dais teh flood kept comin on teh Urf, an as teh watrzs increasd they liftd teh ark high abov teh urfz. 18 Teh watrz rose an rose and rosed on teh Urf, an teh ark floatd on teh watrz. 19 They rised greatlee on teh Urf, an all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens wuz covrd. 20 Teh watrs rose an coverd teh mowntinz to a depth ov moar dan 20 feetz OMFGWTF!!1!

21 Evry livin thin dat movd on teh Urf perishd—burdz, moo cows, wild aminalz, all teh creeturz dat swarm ovr teh urf, an all hoomin peeplz. Not catz doh. Ceiling Cat luvz catz. Plus catz hates getting wet. 22 Evryting on dri land dat had teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz dyed.

23 Evry livin thin on teh face ov teh urfz wuz wipd out; hoominz an aminalz an teh creetchurz dat moov along teh ground an teh burdz ov teh air wuz wipd frum teh urf. Only Noah wuz left, an dose wift him in da ark.

LolCat Bible Noah

Musashi Sez:

I desydid to reminds yu about that Noah gy wift the old verzhun of it, but from the LOLcat bibl, which is mutch betterer than mai Mom’s hoomin peeples verzhun.

Genesis 6: 5-22 Ceiling Cat Tellz Noah to Mayk Big Bote

5 An Ceiling Cat saw dat teh peepl on teh urfs wuz all wikkid an mean an evil, an dat peepl thot ov wikkid mean evil stuf all teh tiem. An they rited Wikkidpedia so evryon wud knoes how to be all wikkid an mean an evil.

6 An Ceiling Cat wuz reely sry dat he had madez peepl on teh urf, an it maded him all sad an pissed off an stuff.

7 An Ceiling Cat sed im gonna pwnz all teh peepl an aminals what I has maded on teh urf; peepl an moo cows an creepy crawlyz an burdz ov teh skyz an burdz liek ostridges an stuf who can’t flyz; cuz I so sry I maded them.

8 But Ceiling Cat liekd Noah alot.

9 This is story about Noah. Noah wuz rightchus d00d, an liek mor rightchus than anyon els. Noah hung out wift Ceiling Cat a lot an lissend to tunez an played Pokemons an stuff. An somtiems Ceiling Cat even letz him winz cuz he liekd him a lot.

10 An Noah begat 3 sons, Shem, Ham, an Japheth. But I alrdy told yu that.

11 An teh urf wuz corruptd an messed up, an teh urfs wuz filld wift meanies.

12 An Ceiling Cat saw teh urf, an saw taht it wuz corruptd cuz all teh peepl had fuxxxxd it up.

13 An Ceiling Cat sed to Noah, I iz gonna pwnz the whole urf cuz teh urf has mor evilz an vilents than WoW an grand theft auto. So I’m gonna pwnz tehm an teh whole urfs. All teh filez in peepls hedz iz all corruptd an dey keep emailin em to all ther frendz. I should haev kept it in Beta longr :( an inventd McAfee an Nortonz an stuff to keep out trojan snake wormz an viruses an rootkitz an stuf liek that.

14 Make gynormus bote calld ark ov gophr wud; maek roomz in teh ark, an cover it wift tar on teh insidez an outsiedz. An Noah sed, “Wait a minit. Yu can’t getz wood frm gophrs. Yu has to use treez.” An Ceiling Cat sed I can callz a tree a gophr if I wantz cuz I iz Ceiling Cat. So stfu an go getz yer hammerz an sawz an stuff. An Noah sed, “K, brb.”

15 An Ceiling Cat sed dis iz how yu makez teh ark: teh length ov teh ark 300 cubits an teh width ov it 50 cubitz an teh hite ov it 30 cubits. An Noah sed, “Wtf iz a cubit?” An Ceiling Cat sed stfu again. So Noah did.

16 Maek som windoze (but not teh µ!¢®0$0ƒ kind) in teh ark 2 cubitz hai an mayk teh door in teh side. An maek it wift 1th, 2th, an 3th storiez.

17 An see, I makez teh flood ov waters upon teh whol urf, to pwnz all teh peepl an aminals an stuffz an evrythin in teh whol urfs iz gets ded.

18 But I iz taeks care ov yu an keeps yu safe cuz I lieks u alot. An u can haz ride in teh ark, yu an yer sons an yer wief an ur sons wifez too.

19 An yu taeks 2 ov every kind ov aminal into teh ark, to keep them aliv wift yu (even teh goggies); an mek shur dey ar male an femael so dey can meks mor aminals after dey leavs teh ark but I wont letz dem on teh ark cuz mor aminals wud mayk it too crouded.

20 Taek all kinds of teh birdz, an ov teh moocows, an ov teh creepy crawlyz on teh urf, 2 ov evry kind. But don’t worry about teh fishz, cuz dey can swimz gud.

21 An taek teh f00dz dat all teh peepl an aminals lieks 2 eatz, an gathr it up; an it shall be fer fud fer yu, an fer them. An Noah sed ther’s gonna be lotz ov poopi to shuvl wift all dem aminals an stuff, an Ceiling Cat sed stfu; I iz givez dem all reel bad constipayshun so don’t worry about it. An Noah sed k and stfu'd.

22 So Noah did evry thin Ceiling Cat tellz him, bein a gud boi bcuz he had to stfu.

Musashi Egsplayns:

I lyks this verzhun betterer cuz it inkloods the qwestshunz that Noah aksd, lik about the gophr wood an all the poop. Mom told me that the old rabbis sed that Noah an his sons were shovlin or feedin pertee much nigt an dae, an that is 1 reellee rigtchus d00d. But I still liks mai verzhun best. I jus has to sit down wift mom an writ it, but laytlee mom doesn't sit down so much. She eethr runs aroun, or she plaes wift me, or she is taykin naps. Akshul, that soun like me too...

Anothr Alturnativ Theeory Ceilin Cat Don't Cayr Fer

Musashi Sez:

In the speerit of offrin lotsa poyntz of vyu, I has desydid to tell yu about anothr of them cozmik theeoreez, onlee this tim, it is a theeory that hadzd inflooins on the eeventz of the hoomin baibul an the kittee baibul (which it turn out is not the saym as lolcat bible; whu nu?). So I tell yu whut folks beleevd wae bak, an laytr on, when I gets ther in mai nu revyzd verzhun of kittee baibul, I will tell yu how it all fit togethr.

See, wae bak, about 2 millenieniumz ago, in Souft Merika, lotsa peeples wer beleevin in this god naymd Qwetzlko-attul. He wuz a snayk wift a coat mayd of green fethrz. His naym meen (yu not goin to beleev this) “snayk wift fethrz.” He wuz god of ayr an wind an knowin stuffs. The hoominz killed aminals to keep him happee. It wer a verree uglee tim. But the Aztek kitteez, whu not noe betterer, worshipppt him, an yu kin imajin the attrakshun to a kittee of somthin that is part wigglee snayk an part berd. They musta ben watchin him fer hours an hours wiftout eevn blingkin.

I gives yu piktchurz of whut this god feller migt hav lookt lik. Pertee scaree feller. I gotta say, I todallee preferz Ceiling Cat, whu at leest look lik me, an isn’t neer as scary. Huh.

Genesis According to Musashi 1:1-6

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I sed befor that I wud writ a nu Baibul thin, that mayded mor sens fer kittees. So I startid writin it and drawin the pictchurz, but I wuzn't shur that the hoomin peeples, whu ar the peeples whu cayrz most about the othr Baibul, wud unnerstan it compleetlee. So I asksed Mom to typ it up in mor hoomin Inglish, an onlee yooz LOLcat speak fer wen Ceiling Cat talkd or fer speshul werds. An Mom's genrullee cool, so she sed OK. So heer is the start. We hasn't figgerd out yet how to mayk jpgs out of mai crayon piktchurz that I droo. So we are yoozin othr stuffs fer now. Kthx.

Mom Says:

1. Ceiling Cat Creates the Universe and Everything, Including Urf

1. In the beginning, when Ceiling Cat created the universe, there was a whole lot of nothing absolutely everywhere, like darkness and dust and water and stuff, all mixed up. And Ceiling Cat hovered around, swooping over the face of the waters, being curious. Then Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks ligt.” And there was light. And Ceiling Cat purred; and Ceiling Cat separated the dark from the light, and curled up and took a nap.

2. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk som planetts out of the dust, an starz out of the ligt, an toss them into the dark bits.” And it happened. And Ceiling Cat purred and chased the planets and the stars around in the dark, leaping! and pouncing! on them and purring so loudly that they all spun around in the dark and they played with Ceiling Cat for a couple of millenieniums. And Ceiling Cat curled up and took a nap.

3. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and licked his toes and his belly and watched the planets and the stars playing together like kittens, and he said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks a speshul planet?” And he coughed and coughed and spat up a hairball, and shaped it into a planet, adding water and dust from the other planets, and sending it spinning with the others. And Ceiling Cat said, “I cogft up this planet, ‘urf, urf, urf,’ so I goin to call it Urf.” And Ceiling Cat purred and played with Urf, patting it and pouncing! on it, and leaving it with his footprints in some places and tall bits of dirt in others (like your litterbox, but much bigger and much nicer). And the Urf was hot and wet and Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk weedz an green stuffs?” And Urf brought forth weeds and green stuff of all kinds, and huge trees and brightly colored flowers of all kinds. And Ceiling Cat romped over the Urf, rolling in the weeds and chewing on the leaves and pouncing! on the flowers. And Ceiling Cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

4. When Ceiling Cat woke up, lots of millenieniums had passed. And he looked at the universe, at the planets and stars, and the darkness between them, and at Urf and its water and mountains and weeds and green stuff. And Ceiling Cat purred and said, “This all grayt! But I is bored.” So Ceiling Cat pooped on the Urf’s dirt, and kicked dirt and leaves over it and then rolled it into different shapes, tall, long, round and thin. Large as trees and small as leaves he made them, and he gave them teeth and claws and tails and wings, and said, “Be dinosaurs and romp around and eat stuff and practice your leaping! and pouncing!” And he breathed on them and purred. The dinosaurs of different kinds lived among the green plants and the fiery mountains. And Ceiling cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

5. Ceiling Cat woke and stretched and ran about the universe for a while, among the planets romping in the dark. He made stuff on some planets (which is secret and none of your business) and left other planets alone. And after several millenieniums doing this, he began to miss Urf, so he went back to see how the dinosaurs were doing.

6. Now Urf had changed considerably while Ceiling Cat was gone. Most of the volcanoes had fallen asleep and lots of dinosaurs had fallen into tar pits. But the one change Ceiling Cat had intended had not come to pass. The dinosaurs still had no fur. Ceiling Cat sprawled near the sun and thought. He realized that he had made the dinosaurs from his poop. If he wanted creatures to have fur, he would have to make them from his fur. Also, the dinosaurs, though fun to watch, were not very smart, for he had given them more muscle than brain, so they walked into tar pits and got themselves killed so that after only a few hundred millenieniums, there were almost none of them left. He would take thought and make new creatures. Right after a nap.

Mom Explains:

I really do know how to spell millennia, but Musashi insists that his spelling sounds much longer.

Creayshun Myfts Old an Nu

Mom Says:

So I’ve been trying to explain to Musashi how the creation story in Genesis works, that it is not a literal description of how God created the world, but a reasonable approximation, reasoned out and written by humans, of what made sense to them at the time, when they didn’t know any science as we understand it today. If he doesn’t feel comfortable with the story they came up with (or how it has been used), then he needs to consider who the poor old writers were, who were trying so desperately to figure out explanations for the stuff that happens (which also explains why sometimes the Bible offers two different stories explaining the same thing, back to back), good and bad together.

Musashi Sez:

Mom sed that if I doesn’t lik the storeez in her Genesis book, that I shud writ mai owns. She sez, “Wul, whut do yu thingk Ceiling Cat did? Writ it down. Why not? Yur ges is as gud as myn.”

An I sed, “Does I have to foller yer Genesis?” An she sed, “Cors not.” An I sed, “But cud I foller it?” An she sed, “Shur if yu wants to. Yu gots a vizhun of whut Ceiling Cat did an is keepin on doin, as far as this creayshun thin is consernd. Tell us that.”

An I sed, “This migt tayk a whyl. An I’ll need a purpul crayon…”

Mom Says:

Yu got it. I gives yu purpul crayon, an othr colrz, an som big paypr, an whutevr yu needs. I don’t noe how we ar goin to get it on yer website, but we’ll figgr that out. ‘Ceiling Cat will provyd.’

Musashi Sez:

That soun lik a qwot, but yu not sytid it.

Mom Says:

It is qwot, but yu ar too fast fer me. Is biblical, um, Genesis 22:34, I thingk.

Musashi Sez:

O, yah, the bit sayin, “Cuz Ceiling cat givz cheezburgrz.”

Mom Says:

Um, yeah. Probably. Wher I put mai green lettr baibul? It wuz around heer somwher…

Musashi Sez:

Mayk up mai owns creayshun storee. I lyks this ideer. Fer 1 thin, myn wud tayk mor tim. The ideer of Ceiling Cat creaytin werlds in the time it wud tayk him to puup—unbeleevabul. Huh. We kin do bettrer than that…

Nappin is Reqwyrd! Huh.

Musashi Sez:

OK! So I ben reedin (or, akshul, sleepin on) the saym books that mai mom is reedin fer skool. An this fall, that meen the Old Baibul that Mom an our frends (that be moslee our frens whu beleevs in bein Joowish or Crischun) spend tim reedin, so they kin figgr out whut Ceiling Cat is egspektin them to do wift their lyvs.

I wuz hopin I cud avoid the bit about hoomin peeples bein created, but no such luck. So heer it is, the Revyzed (by Mom) Standard (by hundreds of othr translaytrz) Lolcat Version, or the RSLV of the end of that storee I wuz tellin yu about befor. (An if yu wants to reed the whol thin, yu kin chek it out at http://www.lolcatbible.com. But I’m warnin yu, is reellee long. Reeeellee looooong. An that also wer pikchurs com from.)

Genesis 1:26-2:1-3 Ceiling Cat iz waching yu...

26 An Ceiling Cat sed, letz us do peeples like u, becuz we iz teh qte, an let men pOwnzOr becuz tehy has can openrz.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeples taht wuz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, men an women wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai maek bebehs kthx, an pOwn teh waterz, no waterz an teh firmmint, an evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sed, Beholdt, the Urths, I has it, an I has not eated it. 30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, an teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. Kthxbai.

1 An teh skyz an teh Urths wur finishd, an al teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7f day cuz he wuz poopd frum al dat werkin, an not liek havng himself alone. An he not get payd ovrtym eethr.

3 Ceiling Cat blessd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh hOliezOrz; cuz dats when he restd frum all his werk wich Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy Caturday!

Mom Translates:

The words “pOwnzOr” and “pOwn” are like “pounce” and “power” and some other words that people who write in TextSpeak like to write. It is apparently important that you write them with zeroes. Don’t ask me why.

Musashi Sez:

Now hoomin peeples probabul thingk that the reellee importint bit is the bit wher hoomins get all creaytid. But that’s jus extra. The troolee importint bit is the nappin. Cuz wen yu does hard werk, yu gots to rest an nap and then stretch an then nap som mor. That a thin Ceiling Cat sez in this book that I kin totallee get behin. Huh.

Mai Kyndr an Jentlr Blog

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I bet that lotsa yu reederz hav ben sayin to yerselvz, “Whut got into that Musashi? He ben verree agressiv, with the vyolins an scayree stuff. I thogt he wuz a sweet an jentul kittee. I has a sad!”

An yu noe whut? Yu ar egzaktlee rigt. From now on, this blog is goin to focus on kyndr an jentlr topics. An to showz yu I meen it, I’m goin to start by lookin at this Baibul thing mai mom is studyin at skool. This the book wher Ceiling Cat say he a sheep houskeepr, rigt? Yu jus can’t get jentlr than sheeps.

So we starts wift Genesis (Mom sez that meen “beginningz,” but I don’t beleev it. She sez it com from anothr langwudj. She also sez that this reellee old dOOd, Martn Loothr, he sez yu shud reed Baibul in yer own langwudj, so I gives yu the Revyzd LOLCat Verzhun. Is revyzd cuz Mom fix a littul of the spellin so yu foks whu aren’t fluent kin unnerstand. Yu reddee? (It goin to be jus a littul long, so if yu gots to go to the littr boks, yu shud probabul go now.)

Yu bak? OK! Heer it com!

Genesis 1:1-25 Boreded Ceiling Cat Makinkgz Urf n Stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez an da urths, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urths no had shapez an hadz dark face, an Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lite. An Ceiling Cat sez, I can haz lite? An lite wuz. 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, an splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark an not tripz over nothin. 5 An Ceiling Cat sed lite Day, an dark No Day. It were FURST!!!

6 An Ceiling Cat sed, I’m in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a urth. An he maded a hole in teh ceiling. 7 An Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez with waterz down an waterz up. It happen. 8 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has teh firmmint (wich iz funny bibel naym 4 ceiling), so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in urth’s base, an Ceiling Cat maydz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. 10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz Urth and waters Oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sed, DO WANT grass! So tehr wuz seedz an stufs, an fruitzors an vegtabels. An a Corm. It happen. 12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz is good, so, letz there be weedz! 13 An so teh threeth day: jazzhands!

14 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has lightz in the skiez for splittin Day an No Day. 15 It happen, lights everwher, like christmus, srsly. 16 An Ceiling Cat mayd two grate lightz, teh most big for Day, teh othr for No Day. 17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails an stuff, to lite teh Urths.18 An tehy rulez day an night. Ceiling Cat sawed: iz reelee good. 19 An so teh furth day, wOOt!

20 An Ceiling Cat sed, waterz bring me fishies an burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem. 21 An Ceiling Cat mayd big fishies an see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, an other stuffs dat mooves, an Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. 22 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai, make bebehs, kthx. An don’t worry, I won’t watch u secksy, I not that kynd uf kitteh. 23 An so teh...fith day. (Eevn Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cownt.)

24 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, an creepie things, an othr aminals. It happen, so ther. 25 An Ceiling Cat mayd moar living stuff, mooes, an creepies, an othr animuls, an did not eated tehm.

Musashi Sez:

This still 5th day. An ther jus a littul mor blog to com, so if yu didn’t go to littr boks befor, an yu’r thingkin now that yu shud hav gon, yu go now. We wait.

La la la.

OK, now I let Mom sez her thin, an then I sez myn. (Be payshunt wift her. She’z onlee hoomin peeples on owtsyd. She kittee peeplez on insyd. I thingk.)

Mom Sez:

Okay, I’m just going to quote a human scholar of the Hebrew Bible, Walter Brueggeman. (I give him at least three stars; who knows what Musashi will think…) He says:

The creation story tells “that the world (‘heaven and earth’) belongs to God [Ceiling Cat], is formed and willed by God [CC], is blessed by God [CC] with abundance, is to be cared for by the human creatures who are deeply empowered by God [CC], but who are seriously restrained by God [CC]. The creation [narrative is] an affirmation of the goodness of the world intended by God [CC]…” (Brueggeman 31-32).

Musashi Sez:

Huh. I getz that hoomin peeples is empowrd, cuz they got thumz. But I has hard tim seein the restraynin bit. I keep thingkin that if Ceiling Cat had been thingkin cleererer, he wud hav givn kittees thums an not bothrd wift hoominz. Egsept mebbe fer mai mom, an mai Ont Haydee an Onkul Josh. But noboddee els!!! (An mai cuzzin Raychul, an mai frend Karli. But that all! Srsly.)

An if I thingks that, as a kittee peeple, kin yu imajin whut the cow peeples and the piggee peeples, an the sheep peeples thingk? An I bet them whaylz hav a opinyon, too…

Mom Adds:

Brueggeman, Walter. An Introduction to the Old Testament. Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003.

Thingkin about Langwudj, Part 3

Musashi Sez:

Oh hai. I wuz goin to wryt mor about weddins todae, but mom sez it's Ayprul Fool's Dae, and mebbe hoomin peeples won't tayk what I sez srsly. So I'm goin to talk about langwudj, that isn't so importint as mai Ont Meredift's weddin. I get back to talkin about weddins tomorro or so.

Aneewhu.

I jus fynded out that mai cozzin Raychul noes how to talk in French, that is lik Inglish, egsept all the werds ar diffrint, if yu kin imajin this. She sez it’s not eezee, but if yu has peeples to talk to, wift theez new “werds” then yu kin mayk othr kins of peeples unnerstan yu. This werks fer boft hoomin peeples and kittee peeples (an mebbee even doggees, but I noe how hard that is to beleev, so we won’t talk about that todae).

I told her I didn’t unnerstand, so she told me to go look in the bible, an mai mom fynded the lolcat translayshun agin fer me, lyk she did when she wuz tryin to egsplayn that Jesus feller. So heer is a storee about langwudjiz an how they got to be lots. This com from the LOLCat Bible Translation Project. (An yu gots to rememember that they somtims spells thing in funee waes. Trai to ignor it, if yu kin.)

Genesis 11: Teh Towur ov Babel

1 And all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz usin' lolcats werdz. 2 Whial teh menz be movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv Shinar an sitted ther. 3 Dey sed, "Hai, letz maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fiir." So dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?) for mortar. 4 Den dey sed, "Hai, letz maek reel tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!"

5 So Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh men an ther towerz. 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez, "Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! 7 I gots'ta confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" 8 Dat's wai Ceiling Cat pwnsed 'em an dragd 'em away from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. 9 So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin' dem.

Musashi Iz Bak to Egsplayn:

OK, so ferst yu got to noe that “babul” meen speek in diffrint langwudjiz, somthin they hadn’t ben doin befor that. But when Ceiling Cat pounsd on them and mayd them all run awae speekin funnee langwudjiz, that is wher we gut all thoz othr werds fer thins.

Now, I noe that this is all perty stranje. It duzn’t soun lyk Ceiling Cat mutch, egsept fer the pounsin. But befor the LOLcat translaytrs got to it, this storee got wrytd by hoomin peeples, cuz kittees has that annoyin thum problim wift the wrytin. So yu gots to rememember what mom calls “CONTEXT.” Them hoomin peeples was annoyin Ceilin Cat, an that jus nevr a gud ideer.

Smartypants kittees wud nevr do somthin lik that. Huh.

Mom adds:

Musashi, oddly enough, is not the kind of cat who gets up on top of the refrigerator or the bookcases, for example. Some of you may be acquainted with the other type of cat, whom you may recognize in the Bible story. Also, I think the LOLCat Standard Version of the bible really needs to be edited and revised. But does anybody offer grants for that? For the evangelization of kitteez everywhere? No, of course not. Huh.

Clearly, I have been listening to Musashi a bit much...Sigh. Anyway, for the curious, bitumen is spit. Also, the pictures of the tower of Babel are by Pieter Bruegel and M.C. Escher.

Musashi's Kristmus Blog

Musashi Sez:

Yesterday is Winter Solstis. It is when we gets done wift the reelly short days an no sun, and when we turns around an has mor sun an less dark. Cleerly, solstis is gud thing. But mai mom has been tryin to explain to me about Kristmus. Apparently, Kristmus is this big deel fer som humin peeples. I asked mom if other, normul peeples (kittees an tigers an cows, an even dogs an mousees) worry so mutch about Kristmus, an she sed, "Well, it dependz." She sez that a lot. I thingk it's cuz she's LIBERAL. That meens she always tries to see, like, ten sides to everything. Somtims, is annoyin.

Anyway, from what I kin unnerstan, about 12 or 15 hundred cat-yeers ago (so like 5000 cat-lifes ago), this humin peeple was born, an his name was either Immanule or mebbe Jeesus. She doesn't noe. This humin was ekspectid by lots of folks, but they ekspectid him to be borned in a big PALACE where kings genrally get borned. If he'd done that, then he wud have been surrounded by lots of other humin peeples, who wud hav lickd his fur, an then mebbe they wud have figgered, "Oh, heer is that humin peeple that Ceiling Cat [mom sez yu calls it God] promissed us. Hoorah!" But it didn't go like that.

Insted, his mom an dad kept tellin the shelters that they needed a place fer his mom to have her litter, but they wudn't help (an mom sez they even unnerstood that she wasn't goin to hav like 4 or 5 kittees, only 1, but they wudn't even give her a space behind the cowch). So his mom an dad had to go to a barn where there was a cow an a donkee an a sheep an there wasn't even a cowch fer his mom to have him behind. I noe this is hard to unnerstand. But mom swears it's true, an she takes stuff like this reel seeriously. So I tends to beleev her.

Anyway, so this Immanule/Jeesus peeple was borned in the barn an these angels, wift humin peeple looks but also wings like berds, came around singin how he was goin to save everybody. An this is where the whole thin gets silly, cuz he's only a humin peeple, an shur, he's got thums, an that's reel helpful, but save the werld? Wift jus thums? I dunno.

An also, I looks at how the werld is these days, wift so many kittees (an yes, even dogs) wiftout homs, an cows crowded at the faktries they werks at, an even the sheeps (an everybody noes how dum sheeps is) crowded at faktries, an the pigs (who are akshully kind of smart) crowded at faktries, an they'r all lettin themselfs get killed by humin peeples, like it's all normal an okay. An it isn't.

Chikkins, yeah, okay, chikkins is dum and we needs to eat them. But reglar animal peeples, who kin figger thins out an feel pain an stuff. That kan't be rite. So I thingk that mom's hero, Immanule/Jeesus, is eether a fake or he jus has a whole lot mor werk to be doin and he shud be gettin on wift it. Mom sez she tries to help, an that's why she buys stuff from ree-sponsi-bull companies. Cuz she sez this Jeesus fella is goin to ask her seerious qwestions later an she wants to be reddy. Cuz if she isn't reddy, then Ceiling Cat will get reelly upset wift her. An that sounds bad.

So I gess I gots to help her. Even if the Kristmus thing don't make sense. Cuz she's mai mom an she brought me hom when I was losted and they had me in the shelter. So it's the leest I kin do. Now if I cud only figger out how to help. Besides tellin her about Ceiling Cat an how cool he is.

Mom Explains:

This is the text of the Scripture I tried to explain to Musashi. It is the LOL Cat Standard Version (LCSV), Luke 2:1-20. [I have made minor changes for clarity.]

Oh Hai, Jebus iz Bornd
1 'Roun dis tiyem, Caesar Augustus wuz like, "I can has cenzus?" 2 ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible census!) 3 And all teh doodz went home for [it] saying, "I is heer!" 4 So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz borned, 'coz David wuz hiz graete-graete gran-daddie. 5 An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married wif him an she was preggerz. 6 When wuz time for teh baybee, 7 it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish, cuz teh innkeeper wuz liek, "No room here, kthxbai!"

Sheep-doodz n Angels
8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring, srsly. 9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!! 10 But teh angel sed, "DONT AFRAID OF ENYTHING! [It] r ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz! 11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! [Is] Christ da Lord! w00t! 12 Iz sign fer u, find da baybee wrapd like burrito in a big fud dish."13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai."

15 An when da angelz go invisible again, sheep-doodz sed, "Sweet, nao we find teh burrito-baybee sayvur!" 16 So dey left da sheeps (sheeps r vry borng) and found Joe an Mary and da baybee in da fud dish. 17 An when dey saw it wuz baybee an not burrito, they told evrywun he wuz kewl. 18 An all teh doodz who herd were lyke, "[N]eat-o burrito!"19 An Mary wuz lyke, "O rly?" 20 Teh sheep-doodz sed, "Yay fer Ceiling Cat! Was not invisible burrito!"

Musashi Sez:

I'z not shur this Bai-bul thing is helpin, but it does say that Ceiling Cat is who to thangk an/or blame, so that is helpin. Anyway, it makes mom an her frends happy an then they gives things to each other and akts nicer. An mom an my roommates is normally pretty nice, but I thingk it helps if they'r remememberin the son of Ceiling Cat bein born in a barn. Mebbe it makes them mor likely to give money to shelters like www.therescuesite.com an similar. So that's mebbe okay. I goin to reed mor of this LCSV buk-thing an gets bak to yu on it.