Merry Christmus to ALL! (Eevn Mom)

Musashi Sez:

Wull, as yu may noe, I allus has a wild tim partyin wift mai roommates at this tim of yeer, cuz Mom go home to vizit her Mom an Dad (whu are mai Granmom an Granpa erspictively), an she party wift them.

Uzually, ther is lotsa sno fer me to watch out mai windo (in between the wild partyin), but this yeer not so much, an I blame Mom cuz uzually she plan betterer than this.

However, in the innerest of Santa might still be comin, eevn tho we gots no ackshual chimney, I is willing to gives her the benefits of mai considerobble doubt.

So Merry Christmus to all my homies: Mom and Granmom an Granpa an Onkul Ben an Onkul Stan an Ont Lindr an Ont Mishel an Cuzzin Dunkin an Pamlr an everbody whuz name I not noe how to spell.

An to Mistr Tygr, Happy Festivus. We will engaj in feets of strength tomorrer!

Pom Joos an Blog Joos

Musashi Sez:

Well, I has been notising mai moms habits when it comes to her blog, which is a lot about writin in genrul, an about

poetree in partikular. The fact that she writes lotsa poms has maded me wonder how she does the whol productivitee thing. It were a mystree...

Then I realize that mom drinks this pom joos stuffs sometimz. An that explaind everthin!!! If she drink Pom Joos to write them poms, mebbe I cud drink Blog Joos to writ mai blogs!!!

 

Fanbases and Shouldrers

-->

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I has been thinkin very seriuslee about what Mom seds about my fanbase/audience/  constitchuensee, etc., an I decided that she is probabul rigt. I shud writ mor stuffs, eevn if they are stoopid, cuz that is whut folks expekt from the innerwebs.

In the intrest of this, I am writin todae about my sholders, which are apparentlee lik a futbol players sholders, cuz when I com in the bedroom from the rest of the partmint, I offen make the door go BOOM open an then Mom complain especially if she is gettin dressed into somthin diffrent. Then she say, MUSASHI! Why you do that? Yu no open doors unless you close them afters!!!

But I not do closin of dors. I only opens them. Huh.

This is becuz I beleevs in the openin of opportooniteez an lik that. It a philosophological statement.

Post Turkey Post Thng

Musashi Sez:

Wull, Mom jus camed bak fro Tahnksgibing wift my granpa and granmom, an she had only barely unpaked her stuffs before she givs me the Lectoor:

Mom: Moosashi, don t you noe that you has been lettin down yer constitchooencee by not writin yer blog?

Me: What are a constitchooencee?

Mom: Yer audience. Yer fanbase.

Me: Yu meen Granpa and Granmom and Pamelr?

Mom: An those folks from Germany and Turkey and Poland and like that!

Me: I canst think of nothin to sae. I has gots the writer block.

Mom: That are just a excyoos. Yu kin writ about all kindsa stuffs if you want to!

Me: I tried. I gots nothin.

Mom: Whut abouts all them things I do that annoys yu?

Me: Okay, on those things I cud writ ferevr, but we gots to amooze them fanbases, an they is not eezily amoozed.

Mom: AHA! Then yu gots yer work cutted out fer yu!

Sittin in Mai Windo Again

 Musashi Sez:

So I noe I hasn't been writing all that mutch lately. It is because mai noo frend Jack is lettin me sit on the windo-sill in his room, so I kin see the birdies but they can't see me. I am a very gud birdie watcher, cuz I gots lotsa patience, and the sun on mai head doesn't bother me, becuz I am a solar-powered kitty.

Akshully, most kitties is solar powered, but becuz I am black an shiny, I kin absorb more sun than some other kitties who has the lighter colored fur. It is too bad fer them, especially in the wintr. Mom appreeshiates my solar power, cuz it's free--imagine if she had to keep pluggin me in all the tim, like her phone!--and becuz I am always willin to share wift her. Parently, solar power is gud fer peeples kneees.

I don't noe if doggies are solar powered or not, but I thinks they are, because you always sees them going outside, like a couple of times a day. I don't know why they can't just sit on a windo-sill like me, unless they are just too big. Human peeples probably just need to make bigger windo-sills.

Being a Reel WRiter

Musashi Sez:

Mom sez that I must be a reel Writer becuz I always has excyoosiz for not riting. Like bein mad at Mom fer leeving and then spending two weeks sittin on her feets so she culdnt go anywhere. An then getting mad at her again cuz she hads to go back to school. Or playin wift my nu frend Jack, who is nice and plays wift string wift me an lets me hang out in his room. Also he tookt this amayzin pikcher of me, an made me look pertikly hansome. 

An also sometimes I has to lick my feets to make sure that I am spiffy all over, which is a perty big job for a guy like me whu has a small tongue.

Mom sez I wud be an even reeler writer if I drinked corfee, but I not like corfee. It smells funny. Maybe I cud be a riter whu drink milk? Whut yu think about this?

Post-Summr-Vacayshun Trommer

-->

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I noe it has been a while, but my mom wented on vacayshun to Maayn  last week fer like elebenty daes! There she goes, orf fer lik almost a whole WEEK! and she expect me to just egspect her back. Huh. An it was not like Mom had Josh an Haidee take care of me. Insted I hads Annr. I likes Annr, but she tend to teach me Russian when Mom is gone, like “Nyet, Mushashi, not on the bed!”

Mai Trommatic Week

Musashi Sez:

Wull this has been a egsyting week an no mistake. On Mondae, Mom an me were going to go out fer “a ride” wift Mom’s frend Erbecca. But almost as soon as we got inside Erbecca’s shiny silver car, it ran awae wift us, taykin us in all sorts of circles so that we wudn’t figger out where we were goin, seein as it was the Rhetorical Terrorist Bureau whut had picked us up.

We wentid in plenty of circles (Cuz kitteez are known fer their ability to find their way hom, but hoomin peeples are SO not, specially not Mom) so that we wud not be able to figger out where the RTBs were.

Wull, anywae, they tortchurred me (by pokin and proddin) and  they must have fed mom Lettuce or (gyak) Spinnitch (if yu kin imagine such horrerz). But we toldid them nothing important. Mom tolded them our names, ranks, an cereal numbers, but that wuz it.  They even gived me whut they call a “mani-pedi” but I not give in!!!

Eventually we finded our way back home, which is veree coneveenyent, given that tomorrow is my Doption Day!!!

Summer stuff and druid stuff

Musashi Sez:

Well, Mom has been complaining about her summer job an havin to grade elebenty papers in two an a haf hours while her students sit around doin fun stuff like calcululus an pfyziks. I toldid her that she is a wiz an that made her feel better.

Meanwhile, she showed me her littul Stonehenge that she puttid in her office. It is okay, but I said she should put some dirt an grass in a bowl an set the littul rocks in that instead. That's me thinkin outsdie the box, in case yu didn't notis. I have been trying to do that more, since I not really like boxes. I much perfer paper bags. I have also been develloppin a new hobby of sittin on Mom's hands when she is typin. It is lotsa fun, hnrf, hnrf, hnrf.

Mai Mor Egspektid Vaykayshun

-->

Musashi Sez:

So I has been taykin a few weeks off, mostly playin pirate in Mom’s closet, although I has to say that at first we were maykin all her socks walk the plank. Cuz they were whoo-ee too stinkee eevn fer us, who aprershiaytes the shtinky!!! Then Mr. Tyger said, “Wull, if we is so all-fired scaredy-cats of sharks, why don’t we jus put them socks on strings like buoyouoyouys, and then the sharks will conshusly avoid us."

Yep, he’s perty smart lik that.

So this is whut we did. Also, we maydid a treaty wift her T-shirsts—not all of them, just the ones whut she wear at the “Jim.” They are the stinkiest, but not as bad as the sockses. We use them shirtses as sails, so that the Wind kin blow the stinky out of them. Huh.

Mai Unegspektid Vaykayshun

-->

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I know that it has been a while since I writed a blog-post thing, but I was very busy halpin mom wift her stuffs and also nappin. Fer som reason, I naps more in the summertime, even tho there is a whole lot more ligt.

When we were celerbraytin Summer Solstice, Mom wantid to dance around with bells attached to our legs. She call this “Morris Dancing.” I looked up the histry of Morris the cat, and I not find any evidence that he putted bells on his legs and danced, so I said, “NO!”

Mom sighed and went bell-less, but when she was prancing around wift the sticks all by her lonesome, I thougtid it was so funny that I larfed and larfed: hnrf, hnrf, hnrf.

And of course, bezuse I have got the medals fer bravery in the face of Veterinarian Shots on mai collar, every time I larfed, my collar went Jingle. Jingle, jingle, jingle.

So Mom’s Morris dancing worked out despite us boft. Huh.

Taykin Up a Instrument

Musashi Sez:

So I am still thinkin about havin a new myusical hobby. I wented on YouTube an saw peeples playin othr fun instruments like the TOOBA and the ukelelelele. There is eevn a band called Tubalele, an my mom's ol roommate Meredift (Oncle MeToo's mom) is in it. The ukelelelele is about mai size, but the TOOBA is way cooler.

I asksked Mom if I could have TOOBA lessons an she showed me how you blow into a brass instrument an it looked hard, which is too bad, but she said the neighbors will be okay wift me playin a different instrument. She recommended what she call "percushion" which is lik bongo drums an the xylophon. She said that I am very gud at fwapping things wift my paws, so now I just has to learn "ryhthym." Huh.

My Hobbieez

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I has been consideraytin taking up a hobby, like playin the harp or fiddul, aftr Mom saw a  concert wift them havin a grand ol time. But she sez that mai arms arn't long enugf fer a harp an that, as I doesn't exagtly has a neck or sholdrz, I probubly wud has trubble wift the fiddul.

So then I saw a websit wift kitteez sittin "awkwardly," an i thougtid I shud speak out. The site is here: http://www.sadanduseless.com/2014/06/awkwardly-sitting-cats/#fempgCphtVugyJbH.01

I don't think they are sittin awkwardly any mor than mom does when she is caugtid up readin a novel. Huh.

Mom’s Re-yoon-yun Thing

Musashi Sez:

So Mom went up to this place in VerMont wher they had this weird re-yoon-yun thing, which yu will be surprized to noe had NOTHIN to do wift On-yons. I noe. Weird, right?

She wuz awae fer EVER!!! Like three or four DAES!!! Irene feeded me, but it jus wasn’t the same. Huh.

She tell me that she tolded ALL her old frends about me an mai blog here, an gaved them the cards that tolded them where to go on the interwebs to find me. An I guess I believes her. Probably she did that. But I bet they won’t come, cuz they hasn’t akshully seen her in like elebenty years!!! (It was their Elebentieth Re-yoon-yun, an they all got vests an a stick an a leash. Or something like that.)

Still, she camed back. She smell funnee cuz she got what she call a “sun-burn” an then she put this icky stuff on to “re-hi-drate” or something. But at least she fed me. Cuz Irene sorta feeded me, but yu know, when yer Mom feeds yu ther is lov an stuff wift the kibble an that make a difference.

An speekin of fud, Mom sez they feeded her an her frends, lik, Fancy Cat fud!!! So I’m bettin she is fatterer than she wuz when she left, but that’s okay. We will play soccer this week an burn it off of her really fast. Like next month, maybe…

Spering Cleeninin!

Musashi Sez:

With a Rowley, Powley, Gammin an Spinnitch!

Heave Ho! fer Anthony Crowley!

So I wud have ben writin these last week or so, egsept that Mom has been doin some mean cleanin lately, an natchrually, I has ben halpin!!!

The main problim is that whenever she “cleans” a bit of space, it always end up lookin mutch worser. So eevn tho she end up getting rid of 5 bags of recycling, 3 bags of old clotheseses, and som trash, it always look like she added all that instead. Harrumph!

So I not think mutch of this “cleanin” idear.

But it do giv us som time, in between the cleanin egsersizes, fer Kittee Soccer! An I has been workin on getting fasterer on my responding kick things. So it is mor lik Soccer an less lik pool. Cuz Mom gets impashient sometimes, and we has to lik patroniz her or something.

More Things I’m Not Goin to Do

 

Musashi Sez:

I've been mulling mai career opshuns again and I got a few more things I kin rool out.

• Perfeshunnul Soccer Player  (Mom sez Pele does not have to worry about me stealin his job. I not has the heart to tell her that even though he was a hotshot when she was just a kitten in the 1970s, he retired about elebenty-hunderd years ago.)

• TV Critic (While I agrees in a general sense that telebision is a under-appershiayted medium, I finds that, in the pertickyooler, I falls asleep even throo the egsploshunz.)

• Ice Cream Farmer (I have been reading that cows not like to be milked by kittees, an sometim they steps on them “by accident.”)

• Calender Maker (You has to be able to count up to 31 at least, an maybe even more during a leap year. An all the numbers has to go in the same order every time!)

• Guard of the Unknown Soldjer (I can’t stay awake fer hours at a time, an whu want to just pace back an forth all day anyway?)

• Newspaper Printerer (I seen piktchers of them big ol machines an I bet it wud be way too easy to get mai tail caugted in them.)

I am very seriously consideraytin the job of Zamboni Driver, however, on account of my havin lots of fur to keep me warm in them cold rink places. Can yu imajin me goin to a cocktail party? Then, when they asksed me what I do fer a livin, I cud say modestly, “I are a Zamboni Driver!”

I wud get all the gurls!!!

An Ad fer a Career Opshun I am Considerin

http://blog.theanimalrescuesite.com/the-cats-guide-to-exercising-a-human/&utm_source=social&utm_medium=arsstore&utm_campaign=the-cats-guide-to-exercising-a-human&utm_term=20140502

May Day & Career Ideas

Musashi Sez:

Wull, today is May Day, which is a spring festival thing where yu finds a convenient pole and some really long ribbons in red and bloo and green an pink an yello an yu dance around it while yu sing. Fer yer really gud verisimilitude, yer songs shud include words lik “hey, nonny, nonny,” but don’t ask me why.

I think this wud be a mor fun game if they attached ping pong balls to the ends of the ribbons, cuz I am a fan of ping pong balls an I can chase them unner the bookcase all day!!!

Meanwhile I has been trying to decide on mai summer plans, or possibul, whut I want to be when I grow up. I have decided to NOT be a farmer, a chef, or a surfer. That was EASY to decide.

I was thinkin I cud be a food critic, because I am so gud at watchin Mom cook an commenting on whut I see. She always tells me whut she's cooking, especially when I asks to smell stuffs. Most recently, I has smelled zuchinni, onyun, pasta, oringe, scallions, cheese, peetzer, spgetti sauce, an a bagel. Also cream cheese which don't look like cheese, but as I unnerstand it, dairy kin be sneaky. I never really like what I smell. Once upon a time I licked some funny Gouda, but since then I don't eevn try.

So I thogt I wud be a natural at being a food critic, but Mom said that yu has to sometime say the food is akshully gud, and I never think so, so I guess that’s out.

The Tabyoolayshunz Is Finished!

Musashi Sez:

So, despite all my trubbles wift tabyoolaytin the results, I has got a whol lotsa “data” to tell yu all about. If we look at it sideways, we see that them high scores (whut peoples hate) inclood chickin, potatoes, qwassants and especially harf & harf.

When I tolded my mom about this, she had to go an have a lie-down, cuz wiftout the harf & harf, her coffee is black an uninviting. Also she has the fondness fer them French Qwassants.

As I suggested before, Bursels Spouts and Brocolli are the winners (yuk), followed by Carats an Lettus (also yuk) and if yu kin believe it, Cheese (which I has always thogtid as reasonable to eat eevn if I not likes it maiself. It still smell betterer than all that other stuffs.)

1. Cheese                         1             1            2            = 4

2. Bursels Spouts             1             1            1            = 3

3. Tooner!                        1             3            1            = 5

4. Lettus                           1             1            2            = 4

5. Broculli                        1             1            1            = 3

6. Chickin                         2             2            2            = 6 !

7. Carats                           1             1            2            = 4

8. Potaytoes                      2             2            2            = 6 !

9. Qwassants                    2             1            3            = 6 !?

10. Harf & Harf       2              2           3           = 7 !?

                                      14            15            16

If we looks at it up-an-down, what we gets is that some of yu likes and hates stuffs more than others, overall. What this suggests to me is that if mai readers from China, Germany and Turkey had also given us their preferences, we might has come up wift betterer statistics. Mom suggests that those folks (as well as our readers in Poland and Japan), maybe can’t unnerstand mai spellin, but given that she is mai official CCO (Chief of Creative Orthography), I am not convinced that the fault is all mine.

Meanwhile, I have to figger out how a square R and 2% convincing rate have to do wift any of this. So far, I think that all that statistics stuff is just a scam. Huh.

Tabyoolaytin Our Results

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I noe that it has been a while since I writed, but partly that is because I has had to do MATH, an although Mom is usually verree helpful wift mai projects, she is not so sharp wift the math. So I has gots lotsa numbers from all three of yu reader type peoples (an I can tell you rigt off, yer all just as weird as Mom is. Huh.) an I has been tryin to tabyoolayte all of them numbers. This is kinda hard, cuz apparently there is lotsa ways to look at “data” lik this, yu noe, like up an down or sideways. Also, I keeps tryin to count all them numbers, but this is not so easy when yu has paws. I always start wift my front paws and then move onto my back paws, except when I suddenly needs to lick mai knees, an than all bets is off.

This wud not be a problem if I had the kinds of paws Mom has, that all has the same number of toes, regardless of where she keeps them, but as a kittee, I has five toes on each of my front paws an only four on the back. So any time I has to count more than three things, I get confuzzled, an yu wud too.

I wondered if part of my problem was that I am a Tuxedo Kittee rather than a Tabby Kittee. Maybe I shud try tuxeedyoolayin instead of tabyoolaytin. But Mom sez that probable wudn’t help much because the toes thing wudn’t change.

About the best I kin tell yu is that yu folks all seem to be scary fond of carrots an bursels spouts. I not noe why. I mean, think about it. Ther yu is, prowling across the grassy savannah, pausing in yer tracks when yu think yer prey migt hear yu comin. Yu is stealthy an yu is wearin camouflage (an also sun-screen, cause yu is humin), yer creepin up, slowly, slowly, and then WHAM!

You POUNCE. On a helpless bursel spout.

Yep, yu are a migty hunter. I am verree impressed. Huh.