YU NOT GOIN TO BELEEV THIS!!!

Musashi Sez:

So I not eevn noe wher to start. Hmm. Now We Are Six wud be gud cuz we is, or at least, I ar.

But mor than that, yu all noe how hard I hav been campaigning fer a ponee of mai veree own so I kin practice ridin him so I kin go on to become a cowboy in the mooveez. An Mom allus sez NO. Huh.

Except that this time, she finallee wentid to a store that sell poneez!!! I not eevn noe that Brookline had sutch a thing. I thoughtid that she wud hav to go verree far awae, like Texas or Collarraddo or mebbe eevn West Virginia. But no.

Now I am not sayin it wentid the way I wud hav wanted it to, or eevn the wae she egspectid. She went in an talked to a whole bunch of ponees, incloodin a purple one whu had perty shiny perpul ribbons fer her mane and tale an also one whu looked like a giraffe wift a really short neck. And to each of these ponee folks, she sed, “Hullo. Wud yu lik to be mai kittee Musashi’s ponee? He wants help in becoming a cowboy kittee.”

An all of them sed the same thin: “Wait, Musashi is yer kittee? That feller wift the blog? And the reallee, reallee sharp CLAWS???”

“Um,” said Mom. “So yu has heard of him?” Which, it turn out was not the bestest answer if what we wer lookin fer was a ponee in the horsie family to com liv wift us an teach me cowboy stuffs.

But Mom is flexibobbul (problee from all that yoger latelee), so she luks around to see if there were anee peeples whu were mostly poneez but not so skittish. So she luks at the bunneez (but we gots three (3) bunnee types here an onlee one (1) typewriter, so she figgered another bunnee wud not work). An she talked to the lion person, but he seemed wae too innerested in how many bunneez lived wift us, which also not seem so gud.

Then she talked to a couple of differint elerphants (one was dark bloo an the other was ligt bloo; I figger one was from Indier an the other was from Afriker, although I kin never rememberrer which is which). All of them seemed nice but near-sigted, an not likely to want to charge into a gunfigt at the Alrigt Corral.

Finalee, she say sadlee, “Doesn’t aneebodee want to get adopted an com be mai kittee’s ponee? He’s akshullee qwite nice most of the time.”

An just as she was draggin herself out of the store, a big low voice sed, “I’m not afraid of kittee claws. I am quite tougf akshullee, an also I hav alwaes wanted to be a cowboy.”

Wull, Mom turned around an there was this big Rhinocerosaucerous, wift a real live horn on his nose! An he was corduroy, which we are also boft qwite fond of in our blankies an clotheses an peeples. 

An she say cautiously, "Um, what yu eat, if yu don't mind my askskin, an also how mutch of it? Cuz we are on a limited budjit."

An he soun verree sad then, an he sez, "Oh, that not gud. I eats Firstest Drafts of Writin. I prefer handrigtin. I kin digest the typed kind, but then I has to hav a mint to make it go down properlee."
 
An Mom nearly shout wift joy, cuz if there one thing we gots more of than pens that don't work an poops, it hafta be our Firstsest Drafts. She write hers in pen an marker an I perfer to yooz crayons (speshullee purpul). But she is cayrful by naytchur, so she asksk, "Does yu has a fayvoritest snack?"

An he say shyly, "Wull, I like to has a few bloo-berries now an then to keep my pertee powdr bloo color up, and I nom on boot noodles when I kin get them, so mai teeft stays healthee."

"Huh," sez Mom to hersalf. "This soun too good to be troo." So she asksk him (out loud, so he kin hear her), "Are yu afraid of anythin I shud noe about? Plumbers? Vacuums? Lightning?"

"Wull," he says slowly, "I not fond of fire, cuz it make me want to run an stamp it out, altho the laydee who own this stor has ben explainin to me about the 'gas stofe' and how yoosful it kin be. I not like it, but I kin manidge mai instinkt to put the fire out if it bloo. I like bloo."

So this is the guy whu yoozed to be named Roy, but he akssked to be called Rex instead. He has come to liv wift us an be mai ponee, although I am still a little nervuss around him, on account of the horn. But he seem pertee happy to have been adopted (an I certainlee unnerstand that!). Mom sez that the whol point is that he has much thickerer skin than the other poneez, and that will be helpful in the days to com.

So I kinder has a ponee! Finlee! After all theez years!

Mai Big Problimz wift Noah

Musashi Sez:

OK, so I noez yu all has ben waytin fer me to egsplayn the big problimz of the Noah storee fer us kitteez (an also jirafs, lelephunts, lyonz, tygrz, rarmadillrz, an etc.). I’m sorree it has ben taykin me so mutch tim to writ it all down fer yu. But onestlee, it has not ben eezee. I get so upset by som of this stuff that I has to leap! up an run around the apartmnt! until the feelin go awae. An then I doesn’t dayr go bak to it fer qwyt a whil. An mai mom, whu (altho she agree wift me on how awrful this stuf iz) as she point out, gotta sleep wift me, don’t egzaktlee fors me to lokk eyz wift this problim.

Mom sed she wud halp me werk thru this, but she hasta writ a paypr fer her teetchr, an grayd payprz fer her stoodnts. So I gotta be payshunt, an I kin do that! Reelee, I kin! It moslee reqwyr nappin, wich is a form of meditaytin that mos hoomin peeples totalee ignor. Huh. (Stoopid hoomin peeples.) Ther not enugf Boodist peeples in this contree, espeshlee wunz lik me whu beleevs in Ceiling Cat an also follerz Boodr, (whu wuz qwyt a cool gy, akshulee.)

OK. So. I’m goin to settul myself betterer an then I wull writ the stuff yu all lookin fer, about how the Bibl is/isn’t all that good/bad, etc.

That Noah Gy, Part 2

Musashi Sez:

Wull! It has ben a long week, an no jok. It alreddee Wenzdae! Huh. An I ben distraktid, cuz I gots a noo roommayt, whu's laundree an books an stuff I hadz to sniff, cuz, yu noe that mai job, or part of it. But that not meen I not ben thingkin about mai jentul reedrz. So todae we givin yu the Lolcat Bible fer the next bit of the Noah storee. Then tomorrer I tell yu wich bits mayk sens an wich bits is jus ridiklus.

Mom Says:

Genesis 7: 1-23 Ceiling Cat Sendz teh Wetness

1 Ceiling Cat den said to Noah, "Goes into teh ark, yu and yer kittens, (cuz yu’r coolz an righteous an stuff, in dis generayshun) to taek wift yu 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an its mate.

3 An also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female, cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female (for saem reason) to keep their various kindz livin throughout teh Urf. Fer 7 daiz and frum nao I’m gonna send teh wetness on teh Urf. A little advice, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez.

4 Fer 40 daiz and 40 nites, it goin to be wet and I goin to pwn some n00bs. Pwned!

5 An Noah did what Ceiling Cat told him to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and teh bullz.

6 Noah was liek reely old when teh wetness came. 7 An Noah and his kittehs enterd teh ark so tehy wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. 8 All teh moo cows and teh other creetchurz Ceiling Cat saidz; 9 male an female, came to Noah and he dun put them in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. 10 An after teh 7 daiz, teh wetness came.

11 In da, like, 6ooth year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth—on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz spewed waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. 12 An teh wetnessez came to teh Urf an it was all wet.

13 On dat dai, teh sons of Noah (Shem, Japheth, and Ham, wift ther wivz), 14 Tehy hads 2 of evry kind of aminal accordin to its kind, all moo accordin to its kind, evry creatchur dat mooves on teh grawnd, accordin to its kind an evry burd cordin to its kind, evrythin wift wings too, accordin to all kindz. 15 Pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came to Noah an enterd teh ark. 16 Teh aminals goin in wuz mayl an femayl ov evry livin thing, as Ceiling Cat had told Noah. (Except fer teh unicornz, and teh dragonz and stuffs. An that a long storree, that get told other-wher.)

17 Fer 40 dais teh flood kept comin on teh Urf, an as teh watrzs increasd they liftd teh ark high abov teh urfz. 18 Teh watrz rose an rose and rosed on teh Urf, an teh ark floatd on teh watrz. 19 They rised greatlee on teh Urf, an all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens wuz covrd. 20 Teh watrs rose an coverd teh mowntinz to a depth ov moar dan 20 feetz OMFGWTF!!1!

21 Evry livin thin dat movd on teh Urf perishd—burdz, moo cows, wild aminalz, all teh creeturz dat swarm ovr teh urf, an all hoomin peeplz. Not catz doh. Ceiling Cat luvz catz. Plus catz hates getting wet. 22 Evryting on dri land dat had teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz dyed.

23 Evry livin thin on teh face ov teh urfz wuz wipd out; hoominz an aminalz an teh creetchurz dat moov along teh ground an teh burdz ov teh air wuz wipd frum teh urf. Only Noah wuz left, an dose wift him in da ark.

Teetchin the Alturnativ Theeory

Musashi Sez:

Mom wuz telling me that in Kansas somplays, they has a rool that wen they teetch 1 big theeoree of the yoonivers, they has to teetch the othr 1 as well. So I’m goin to tell yu what som folks thingk, whu doesn’t beleev in Ceiling Cat an his hard werk creaytin evrthin.

Parentlee, som folks in diffrint parts of the wurld beleev that the wurld is shaypt lik a reellee big flat playt. The playt sits on the bak of a elefunt, and the elefunt is standin on the bak of a turtul.

Som folks, lik Sir Terry Pratchett, say it’s akshul 4 elefunts standin on the bak of a jynormus space turtul whu is swimmin thru the cosmos. Othr folks say, no, is just one elefunt, but it’s turtuls all the wae down.

Non of theez folks has egsplaynd to mai satisfaxshun how the elefunt (or elefunts) an the turtul (or turtuls) go ther in the first plays, tho.

But aneewae, now yu noe. Also, is importint not to mok peeples whu doesn’t beleev saym as yu. Probabul yu kin nibbul at their toez, howevr.