Imajin Me an Mai Onkul Pullin a Goddiss’z Sled…

Musashi Sez:

In the intrist of offrin yu all “ALTER-NA-TIV” ideers about gods and the yooneevers an stuff, I is now goin to tell yu about anothr DEE-IT-EEE whu has speshul relayshunship wift kittee peeples. So if yu looks at yer glob, an yu goz up abuv Yoorup, yu wil see Skandanayveea. It has a buntcha cuntrees, lik Finlun, Sweedin, Norwae, an Denmark. An mebbe Icelund—I’m still not cleer on that. Now whut theez contreez shayr is a old beleef in theez Nors Godz. (They calls them Nors eevn tho onlee 1 countree calld Norwae. Dun’t asks me why.)

The onlee importint 1 of theez deeiteez is calld Freya. She is the goddis of luv, byootee, an fertilitee (which is about havin yer kidz). Parentlee, Freya is blonde an blu-eyd an byooteeful, jus lik mai mom. Altho mom’s hair isn’t as blonde as it yoozd to be, an also, how kin sombodee be byootiful if they hasn’t got mutch furr? She onlee has it on hed. Seem sillee to me. Huh. Of cors I thingk she pertee, but she mai mom. Is natchrul.

Aneewae, Wikerpeedier say that “Freyja often rides on a chariot drawn by a pair of large cats. She rode this chariot to Baldur's funeral. These cats are called Gib-cats in the Prose Edda. They are thought to be either Norwegian forest cats [49] or Lynx. Cats are sacred to Freyja, just as wolves are to Odin.” (“Freyja”). They doesn’t egsplayn whut a Gib is or whut the diffruns is between 49 Norweejun forist kittees an a singul Lynx.

Mom sez, “Wull, yu noe, it’s jus Wikerpeedier. Yu kin’t hav evrthin.”

An I ges shee’z rigt.

But I kin’t halp thingkin of me an mai Onkul Me2 pullin the sled of som goddis across the snow lik in them piktchurz… She had betterer not be mor than, say, 20 pounz. Yu noe, jus a littul goddis…

We Innerupt This Storee fer a Littul Bit

Musashi Sez:

Mom an me not hav tim to werk on mai blogs todae cuz mom was downtown all dae doin “Jooree Dootee,” which she sae is a verree seeryus thin an it halp our contree’s PART-ISS-IPAR-TOREE DEMAKRASEE to werk.

I sez, “It halp whut?”

An she sez, “It’s wher lotsa peeples (hoomins) gets together an mayk shur they hasn’t ben scratchin eetch othr’s furnitchur or faysis or mebbe steelin eetch othr’s mousees. An if they has, they gets in trubbul.”

“Oh!” sez I. “Is that innerestin?”

“Most of it is kinda borin, but fer one bit, a guy wayvd a layser pointr at som picktchurz on the wall. Yu wud hav likd that, Musashi.”

“Oh boy! Did yu chays it in sirkuls?”

“No,” sez Mom. “The judj wudn’t let us.”

“Whut’s a judj?”

Mom sez, “A judj is somebody whu mayks shur evrboddy do things the way the law says. She wears a big black robe an sits behind a big desk wift a big chayr.”

I perks up mai silkee blak eerz at this. “A blak robe? Hmm. Cud I be a judj wen I grows up?”

“Um, well, yu cud,” sez Mom slowlee. “But yu’d hav to go to lawyer skool first, an that is pertee borin. An aneewae, the judj didn’t chays the layzer pointr eethr.”

So aneeway, that is why we not have a storee or a revyu of a toy or aneethin lik that todae in mai blog. But, hey, yu gots to lern about Jooree Dootee, an partissipartoree somthin, an also judjiz. So yu’r still getting edjakaytd. So that’s OK. See yu tomorro!

Noah, the Gy wift Thumz

Musashi Sez:

Mom sez that yu gyz all has herd about that feller Noah whu bildid an ARK, which is a kind of boat fer carryin lotsa critterz in it. She sez that yu akshul beleev whut that hoomin baibul teetch: that Noah wer The Gy, an that the aminals wer sorta aftrthogts. Huh. In the piktchur, they onlee shows sheep, cuz sheep wer popular cuz of their fur, not lik, say, anteaters or herons. That's OK, tho, cuz mom sez that the art that gets protektid is uzhual the art that supports the PO-LIT-IKUL STATUS QWO. So we are disappointed, but we'r not too surprizd.

Still, I figgr that yu wud rathr noe the akshul trooth, so I is goin to tells yu it. But becuz it migt get long (lik littrbox long: go now!!!), an som of mai reedrz migt hav trubbul wift lolcat speak, I is havin mom do the tranzlaytin fer me. She tellz me that her Jeezus fellr sed that “the trooth will mayks yu free,” so she is willin to halp all she kin. Yu noe, somtim, when she tayks naps when I wants to plae, or wants to plae when it cleerlee naptim, I thingk mai mom is ridiklus. But at tims lik theezes, I lovs her. Huh. She gots that emptee mynd that we all shud stryv fer.

Mom Says:

1. There is a difference between empty and open. I have an open mind. Open. Not empty.
2. I lovs yu tu, Musashi. So heer is yer skriptchur.

Musashi Sez:

Mom, don’t doooo that!

Mom Says:

Oops. Sorry.

Musashi Sez:

Huh. Now mai creaytiv joosiz hav stopt flowin. I jus cannot prodoos seeryus litratchur if yu’r goin to criteek me all the tim or, eevn wers, talks about lov. Huh. Mai jentul reedrz will jus hav to wayts til next tim, an that migt werk betterer, sins that’ll be aftr yer jooree dootee, an also I will hav gotten ovr mai shtink. Hrrmph.

Anothr Alturnativ Theeory Ceilin Cat Don't Cayr Fer

Musashi Sez:

In the speerit of offrin lotsa poyntz of vyu, I has desydid to tell yu about anothr of them cozmik theeoreez, onlee this tim, it is a theeory that hadzd inflooins on the eeventz of the hoomin baibul an the kittee baibul (which it turn out is not the saym as lolcat bible; whu nu?). So I tell yu whut folks beleevd wae bak, an laytr on, when I gets ther in mai nu revyzd verzhun of kittee baibul, I will tell yu how it all fit togethr.

See, wae bak, about 2 millenieniumz ago, in Souft Merika, lotsa peeples wer beleevin in this god naymd Qwetzlko-attul. He wuz a snayk wift a coat mayd of green fethrz. His naym meen (yu not goin to beleev this) “snayk wift fethrz.” He wuz god of ayr an wind an knowin stuffs. The hoominz killed aminals to keep him happee. It wer a verree uglee tim. But the Aztek kitteez, whu not noe betterer, worshipppt him, an yu kin imajin the attrakshun to a kittee of somthin that is part wigglee snayk an part berd. They musta ben watchin him fer hours an hours wiftout eevn blingkin.

I gives yu piktchurz of whut this god feller migt hav lookt lik. Pertee scaree feller. I gotta say, I todallee preferz Ceiling Cat, whu at leest look lik me, an isn’t neer as scary. Huh.

Ceiling Cat Finishiz Creaytin Stuffs

Mom Says:

BEGINNINZ 1:7-10

7. So Ceiling Cat napped and woke and stretched and napped again, gathering strength for this new creating business. And when he finally woke, he found that he had been blocking the sun’s rays from hitting Urf properly, and that some of the Urf’s seas had turned to ice, covering large portions of the land. So Ceiling Cat leaped! up and went down to Urf, and where his hot paws landed, the ice began to melt.

8. And Ceiling Cat coughed and coughed and produced hairball after hairball, and he shaped them to fly in the air and swim in the waters and to play on the ice and on the land. He was particularly proud of the woolly mammoths and saber tooth tigers. And the more he created, the more fun he had. He made bugs and birds, humans and horses, rats and rabbits, lions and lynxes, kiwis and kangaroos. He made stretchy animals like elephants and giraffes and round animals like turtles, ladybugs and hippopotomotmusses, and when he had done that, he realized he was just getting silly. So he purred loudly, breathing on the creatures, and then curled up and took a nap.

9. But the creatures were making so much noise, mooing and squawking and chirping, that Ceiling Cat was unable to sleep. So he picked up this animal and that by the scruff of the neck and deposited them in different places, some in the desert and some in the forests, some on glaciers and some beneath the mountains. And when there were different kinds of animals spread out around the whole Urf, Ceiling Cat purred, saying, “Now I is nevr goin to be bored agen, cuz I mayded all these creetchurz to be awsom lik me, and I is so happy that I is goin to take a nap.”

10. But before he curled up, he took some dirt and some ice and made a big white ball and put it on the opposite side of Urf from the sun, so that it would reflect the sun’s light and remind him not to sleep between the sun and the Urf. And because it looked like it was mooning him, Ceiling Cat named the ball Moon. And then, because he had worked so hard, Ceiling Cat curled up and napped. Kthxbai.

Musashi Sez:

OK, now yu noe the whol creayshun storee, the reelz one, not that ol hoomin peeples verzhun. Yu kin tell the diffruns cuz the hoomin storeez alwaez mayk it soundz lik hoomin are the perpuss of evrthin, an that is rediklus. An their verzhun of Ceiling Cat doesn't nap neerlee enugf fer all the werk he do. This kinda thingkin is calld "critikul interpretayshun" or possibul "HERMENEUTICS." But I doesn't noe whu this Herman feller is.

Mom Says:

I just want everyone to know that I really do know how to spell hipopopto-- hippopotma-- I really do know how to spell millennia.

Teetchin the Alturnativ Theeory

Musashi Sez:

Mom wuz telling me that in Kansas somplays, they has a rool that wen they teetch 1 big theeoree of the yoonivers, they has to teetch the othr 1 as well. So I’m goin to tell yu what som folks thingk, whu doesn’t beleev in Ceiling Cat an his hard werk creaytin evrthin.

Parentlee, som folks in diffrint parts of the wurld beleev that the wurld is shaypt lik a reellee big flat playt. The playt sits on the bak of a elefunt, and the elefunt is standin on the bak of a turtul.

Som folks, lik Sir Terry Pratchett, say it’s akshul 4 elefunts standin on the bak of a jynormus space turtul whu is swimmin thru the cosmos. Othr folks say, no, is just one elefunt, but it’s turtuls all the wae down.

Non of theez folks has egsplaynd to mai satisfaxshun how the elefunt (or elefunts) an the turtul (or turtuls) go ther in the first plays, tho.

But aneewae, now yu noe. Also, is importint not to mok peeples whu doesn’t beleev saym as yu. Probabul yu kin nibbul at their toez, howevr.

Genesis According to Musashi 1:1-6

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I sed befor that I wud writ a nu Baibul thin, that mayded mor sens fer kittees. So I startid writin it and drawin the pictchurz, but I wuzn't shur that the hoomin peeples, whu ar the peeples whu cayrz most about the othr Baibul, wud unnerstan it compleetlee. So I asksed Mom to typ it up in mor hoomin Inglish, an onlee yooz LOLcat speak fer wen Ceiling Cat talkd or fer speshul werds. An Mom's genrullee cool, so she sed OK. So heer is the start. We hasn't figgerd out yet how to mayk jpgs out of mai crayon piktchurz that I droo. So we are yoozin othr stuffs fer now. Kthx.

Mom Says:

1. Ceiling Cat Creates the Universe and Everything, Including Urf

1. In the beginning, when Ceiling Cat created the universe, there was a whole lot of nothing absolutely everywhere, like darkness and dust and water and stuff, all mixed up. And Ceiling Cat hovered around, swooping over the face of the waters, being curious. Then Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks ligt.” And there was light. And Ceiling Cat purred; and Ceiling Cat separated the dark from the light, and curled up and took a nap.

2. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk som planetts out of the dust, an starz out of the ligt, an toss them into the dark bits.” And it happened. And Ceiling Cat purred and chased the planets and the stars around in the dark, leaping! and pouncing! on them and purring so loudly that they all spun around in the dark and they played with Ceiling Cat for a couple of millenieniums. And Ceiling Cat curled up and took a nap.

3. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and licked his toes and his belly and watched the planets and the stars playing together like kittens, and he said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks a speshul planet?” And he coughed and coughed and spat up a hairball, and shaped it into a planet, adding water and dust from the other planets, and sending it spinning with the others. And Ceiling Cat said, “I cogft up this planet, ‘urf, urf, urf,’ so I goin to call it Urf.” And Ceiling Cat purred and played with Urf, patting it and pouncing! on it, and leaving it with his footprints in some places and tall bits of dirt in others (like your litterbox, but much bigger and much nicer). And the Urf was hot and wet and Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk weedz an green stuffs?” And Urf brought forth weeds and green stuff of all kinds, and huge trees and brightly colored flowers of all kinds. And Ceiling Cat romped over the Urf, rolling in the weeds and chewing on the leaves and pouncing! on the flowers. And Ceiling Cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

4. When Ceiling Cat woke up, lots of millenieniums had passed. And he looked at the universe, at the planets and stars, and the darkness between them, and at Urf and its water and mountains and weeds and green stuff. And Ceiling Cat purred and said, “This all grayt! But I is bored.” So Ceiling Cat pooped on the Urf’s dirt, and kicked dirt and leaves over it and then rolled it into different shapes, tall, long, round and thin. Large as trees and small as leaves he made them, and he gave them teeth and claws and tails and wings, and said, “Be dinosaurs and romp around and eat stuff and practice your leaping! and pouncing!” And he breathed on them and purred. The dinosaurs of different kinds lived among the green plants and the fiery mountains. And Ceiling cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

5. Ceiling Cat woke and stretched and ran about the universe for a while, among the planets romping in the dark. He made stuff on some planets (which is secret and none of your business) and left other planets alone. And after several millenieniums doing this, he began to miss Urf, so he went back to see how the dinosaurs were doing.

6. Now Urf had changed considerably while Ceiling Cat was gone. Most of the volcanoes had fallen asleep and lots of dinosaurs had fallen into tar pits. But the one change Ceiling Cat had intended had not come to pass. The dinosaurs still had no fur. Ceiling Cat sprawled near the sun and thought. He realized that he had made the dinosaurs from his poop. If he wanted creatures to have fur, he would have to make them from his fur. Also, the dinosaurs, though fun to watch, were not very smart, for he had given them more muscle than brain, so they walked into tar pits and got themselves killed so that after only a few hundred millenieniums, there were almost none of them left. He would take thought and make new creatures. Right after a nap.

Mom Explains:

I really do know how to spell millennia, but Musashi insists that his spelling sounds much longer.