A Lidderaree Masterpees!!!

Musashi Sez:

Mom just bogt me a book an it’s the best book evr! It’s all about this kittee an his differkult sertch fer a houskeepr, an his figts, an HADDOCK, an the tim he got reellee sik an lost som fur, an also a buntch of egzistentchul theems to do wift kittee peeples and hoomin peeples livin together, so lik, cross-speeseez fhillosofee. Huh.

The writr’s naym is May Sarton, an mom sez she wuz a grayt po-et an also wrot long storeez calld novulz. She eevn livd not so far from heer, an part of the book happins in Cambridj, that is across the rivr.

Almos fergot: the book is calld The Fur Person. Is deeplee moovin, a tru pertrayal of the tryals of feelyn lif. I givs it 4 starz. Yu gots to go get this book an reed it. Or hav yer mom or dad reed it to yu, lik myn did.

I givs yu a qwot of the ferst payj:

"When he was about two years old, and had been a Cat About Town for some time, glorious in conquests, but rather too thin for comfort, the Fur Person decided that it was time he settled down. This question of finding a permanent home and staff was not one to be approached lightly of a May morning..." (Sarton 13).

OK. Now yu go get book.

Sarton, May. The Fur Person. New York: WW Norton, 1983.

I Haz Crankee

Musashi Sez:

This mornin is no fayr. The burds ar chirpin lik crayzee but I can’t see them. An the trees ar maykin whoosh noiziz an mom sez that’s the wind, but is annoyin. I chaysd mai mousee, but he rund awae unner the couch wher it’s hard to get to him. Mom offerd to shayr her waffuls wift me, cuz she sez waffuls halp wift the crankee, but they smelld lik reglar hoomin peeples fud, bleah.

Huh. Then she sugjestid that I writ “LUGUBRIOUS” down in 1 of her noetbooks but that not so halpful when yu can’t hold crayon. It’s cold an the sun has gon awae an I don’t lik it.

So fynalee, mom sed she red a buk about jus this sorta thin bak when she wuz in gradjuet skool. The buk sed that if eetin waffuls an writin LUGUBRIOUS didn’t werk, then yu shud jus probabbul go bak to bed. So that’s egzaktlee whut I did, an yu noe, it kinda halpd.

So I givs this yoosful buk 3 whol starz (Yah, I noe: perty amayzin!!!). It’s called Alicia’s Bad Day an it’s by mai mom’s frend from skool, Lisa Jahn-Clough. Her naym is almos as hard to spell as myn is, but is worth it. Yu go buy this buk now, ok?

Thinkin about Singin

Musashi Sez:

Mai mom lissens to myoozikuls a lot, an that has totullee chanjd her vyu of myuzik. I gess that’s OK, cuz ther ar som hoomin peeples that ar contantlee lissenin to Oprah, that chick from Chicago whu has her own show and whu is parentlee singing constantlee stuff lik the ariars from Handle an foks lik him. Fer egsampul:

O,
I am looking for my love
in the shady forests,
in the forests, overshadowed,
I am looking for my love.
O,
in the forests of shadow
my love, my overshadowed love
is, in the forests,
shadowed
by all the other trees,
where I am looking
for my love…

So aneewae, I thinks all of this is hogwash. Yu eethr noe wher yer lov is or yu don’t, an singin about it won’t halp. So if yu wants to sing, get up on a reellee gud fens and sing about somthin entierlee else!!!

An the Winnr iz Gimlee!

Musashi Sez:

So the final vot wuz 19.5 starz fer Chuk Noris and 70 starz fer Gimlee, son of Gloin. I askd mom how I cud fit 70 starz on the blog an she sed she cud teetch me somthin calld “LONG DIVISION.” That’s math, akshully. See you writs down 70 in a half a box an then yu puts the 19.5 on the side wift the walls. Then yu writs a 3 on the top of the box, an skribblz on a envlop. That’s a importint part. Then yu writs 58.5 unner the 70, an duz “SUB-TRAKSHUN” an that’s like takin the 58 thing away an seein what’s left. This rekwyrs crossin out numbrs an puttin in littul 1s on top. Then yu writs 11.5 unnerneeth an adds mor 0s on top nex to the 70 wift all the crossin out parts. Ther’s mor skribblin an crossin stuff out. I didn’t follo it all. Aneewae, mom insists that in whut she call Real Star Terms, Gimlee hav 3.5 starz, and Chuk get 0.

I don’t mind fhyziks, but this math stuff is fer burds.

Gimli is Winnin So Far

Okay, we gots 2 more hoomin peeples' votz and 2 mor kittee/doggee peeplez' votz. I mayd what mom call a egzekyutiv desizhun an that is that fish can't vot. Huh. Som peeples...

So heer we ar:

Chuk Noris: 19.5 starz.
Gimli son of Gloin: 70 starz.

I bet it's cuz of the hat.

3 Mor Votrs Hav Votid!

OK, we got 3 mor votrs, an now the vot look lik this:

Chuk Noris: 19.5 starz.
Gimli son of Gloin: 45 starz.

If yu stil wants to vot, yu got til Friday, May 15. Tell yer frend. If yu got mor than 1 frend, tell them too. Kittees and doggees count, of cors.

The Vot So Far

Chuk Noris: 19.5 starz
Gimlee son of Gloin: 30 starz

Tru-er Awsumniss: Chuk Noris or Gimlee?

Musashi Sez:

I ben skayt-bordin on the Interwebs, an I foun lots of syts about this Chuk Noris feller. Seemz lik he the bomb. Hoomin peeples ar alwaes goin on about how he kin kick othr hoominz’ butts. He eevn got his own jeans brand, Mom sez, wift space between the back legs in cays yu gots to kick somboddee in the hed. Also, if yu beleevs his websyt, eevn the boogeeman chek its clozit in cays Chuk Noris is ther hydin!!!

So, OK, this guy migt be kinda cool, but I dunno. Ther this othr guy whu is mebbe mor impressiv, cuz he’s short and (Mom sez) CURMUDGEONLY an UNDER-HYPED. His naym is Gimlee (son of Gloin, whu is gud frends wift Bilbo Baggins!), an he helpd bring down the Eevl Dark Lord, Sawron!!! An he don’t use repeetin gun-thins. He use a big battul axe. That meen yu gots to git closerer to the guy yu wants to kill, an that soun kinda skaree. Somtim, Gimlee a littul cross-eyd, but I spect that's cuz he is tryin to keep his ey on evryboddee.

So whut I decydid to do is this. I’m goin to have a contest. Yu all gots to vot on whu is betterer: Chuk Noris or Gimlee son of Gloin. Also, yu gots to desyd whu gits how manee starz. (Ther onlee choysiz 0 to 5 starz.)

The ‘Nip: Just Say Purrrr

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I hav ben havin hoomin peeples akyuzin me of being a Nip Head. Now, aneeboddee whu noes me, noes that I kin bayrly smell the kind of catnip they put in toyz, an so far, that ben the only nip I hav seen. Or smelld, I gess. It migt do somthin grayt fer othr kittees, but it doesn’t do mutch fer me.

The problim heer is a problim of what mom calls PERCEPTION, an that meen that what peeples thingk (pertiklarlee hoomin peeples) is mor importint than what is tru. Is verree stranje, but is tru. So yu gots to pae attenshun.

I ben talking to hoomin peeples fer the las few monfts, an seems lik they all thingks that the ‘nip is lik the drug-thin hoomins do calld “haro-in” or mebbe “ko-kayn.” That, of cors, is ridikyulus. Kittee Nip (Catnip, napeta cataria or cannabis felina) is wae mor lik the kaffeen stuff that hoomin peeples ar drinkin an eetin all the tim. Is a soshul thin, somthin that simplee improovs yer reflexoblitee and yer fast reakshun tims. Is jus enhansin yer alreddee amayzin abilutteez.

Is not about “sniffin an winnin.” Kittees don’t do competishun. We jus all win alwaes. Is mutch eezier. (Cors, it help if yu has whut mai frend Cerceelya call ROBUST SELF-ESTEEM. Kittees got that. Is wrytd on our CNA or somthin.)

An shur, somtims, rayrlee, a kittee kin hav too mutch, jus lik hoomin peeples somtims have mebbe 4 cups of korfee (or 5) insted of onlee 3. An then, WHOOPS! Everboddy runnin! Everwher! Veree fast! Egsept they’r onlee talkin, not akshullee runnin. But they ar egsepshuns. An yu kan’t mayk roolz baysd onlee on egsepshuns. Huh.

Mom Concurs:

It’s true. Musashi finds catnip boring at best. Maybe it’s a nasal problem. I say we’re lucky. Good heavens, can you imagine what he’d be like if he could smell it properly?

Musashi Adds a Egsepshun:

Ther’s this traynin tool, that mai Ont Meredift calls “Kittee Crack Dot” and mai mom an her frends call a LASER POINTER. It’s srsly kool. It’s lyk a ant, egsept it is smallr an red, an it runs reellee fast! Evrwher! Eevn up the walls!

But is not reellee a drug. The Crack part is jus a naym. Reellee. I cud stop chaysin it aneetym I want. Huh.