Washinton Crossin That Rivr

Musashi Sez:

Okay, now we back to the 1770s, that crayzee tim in the Merican Revolooshun wen Disco Dansin was veree popyoolar, don’t asksk me why.

So the British had put the big taxes on the tea an the Merican colonists had gotten reellee hyped up on the coffee an started shootin the British, particlerlee heer in Boston, ovr on the Bunkr Hill. The British had to run away and so we chased them to Qebec, which is in Canada if yu kin beleev it, but it was verree cold ther, an the British had frends hidin in a fort an they chased us back souft again.

So Gorge Washinton put on his fansee yooniform an sed, “C’mon, Boyz! Up an at ‘em!” eevn tho it wuz Christmas Eve, nine monfts layter. An they all jumpd into a big canoo an sailed across the Rivr in lik Delawayr or Baltimor or somplays lik that. An they LEAPED! on the British from behind, cuz fer som reezon, the British wuz lookin the othr wae. And they winned!!!

An to celrbrayt, they had a big disco dans all wintr, wift the shiny light ball, eevn tho they din’t have mutch fud. An then they tuk bak Philrdefia, an som playsiz eevn furthrer souft. Altho I think that caym laytr.

I am getting bord wift histree now. I thingk I’m goin to go lern som stuff about Art. Huh.

Hysteria Ar a Bad Thing

Musashi Sez:

OK, I promisd to tell yu about the Salem Witch Trialz, which happened not far frum wher I liv. Ther wer som girlz whu got overegsytid an started sayin that othr folks livin in Salem wuz witches whu wer putting evil spellz on them. They jumped up an down an were foamin at the mouft lik a doggee whu has gottid bit by a rabid raccoon or somthin.

Now, sins this was bak in the tim when those relijus fellrz wuz runnin New England, they had to send fer som judges whu cud lissen to the evidens and then hang folks when they desydid that they wer guiltee. An som admitted to bein witches and they din’t get killt. Which not mayk mutch sens, reellee.

But what wuz eevn worser is that if yu livd wift a blak kittee, peeples wud say yu wuz a witch. They thogtid that blak kitteez wer familyrz, which meen that they noez yu verree well, tho I not clear on how that mayks yu a witch. So it wuz a scaree tim to be a laydee wift a blak kittee, so I'm glad that mom an me wuz bornd three hunnert yeerz laytr.

Cuz, luckily, nowadaes, we ar mutch mor open-mindid. Peeple can be witches if they wants an we not kills them. Also, wen othr peoples starts runnin around an sayin othr peoples is witches, we doesn’t automatical assoom that they’r rigt. Except fer that one tim in the 1950s, but I tell yu about that laytr, cuz if I tells yu now, I nevr goin to get throo the whol Merican Revolooshun, an I noe that yu is lookin forward to that.

Why Merika Run on Duncan an the Bucks

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I has toldid yu about all them relijus types whu started Merika cuz they wanted their freedom to worship Ceiling Cat in their own wae, wiftout othr peoples tellin them whut to do. (An it occur to me that I forgettid to tell yu about the Salem witch trials, but I do that laytr, OK?) So now I goin to tell yu about the othr big thin that started Merika, and that ar taxis. This not the state wift the folks in the big hats, or the cars with the little ligts on top whut tayks yu to the airport. This the thing wher wen the gobermint want to build a road they mayks yu pay money for somthin that is not a road, lik buks or kittee toys. (This is gobermint lojik fer yu.)

So now we getting up to 1773. Wae bak in Inglund, the King was tryin to get money to pay fer his war in Yoorup, an his own folks was getting crankee about payin. So he sed he wud get money from his “othr subjects,” the coloneez, which include the Unitee States, although at the tim they wasn’t states or unitee. So he put a tax on the tea that his ships brogtid to Merika, an he wudn’t let anybodee else bring tea to Merika, altho the Dutch folks somtim smuggld tea in.

Wull, Merika was still Inglish at the tim, an them Inglish do loves their tea. But the Sons of Libertea, who were arguing that tea ougt to be free (an hense the naym) got really mad. They started coffee shops, so Merikans wud has somewhere to go to do their homework whil drinkin hot stuff wift caffeen. This mayk the British mad, cuz they wasn’t sellin enugf tea. Sam Adams wuz mad cuz peoples wasn’t drinkin his beer, cuz they likd the coffee so much. An the tea sailsmen wer mad cuz they had ships at the port in Boston, where the Boston folks weren’t letting them get their teabags out of their ships to sell unless they paid the Boston governr the money they hadn’t ernd yet from the tax.

So Sam an his frends dressed up as Indyuns an yoozed lots of gloo to put their hair up in purpl Mohawks an they ran onto the tea ships an dumped all the teabags into Boston Harbor. I know yu has a hard tim bleevin the hair part, but yu gots to remembmer that coffee has lots more caffeen than tea, an they wuzn’t yoozd to it yet. So they gots a littul overegsytid, kinda lik when I has been nappin all day an Mom com hom an she has to chays me around the partmint befor I calms down. Onlee they wuz doin it fer a gud cause: libertea. Also, ther wuz this othr thing: no taxayshun wiftout representayshun, which meen if yu want to com tax us, we gotta be abul to see whut yer doin wift our money. An we want to vot fer yu first.

The Legasee of the Boston Tea Partee was three-fold (this my noo word fer the dae): Boston halped start the Merican Revolooshun, we got our own stamp wift teabags on it, an also them littul kyoocumbrer samwhiches becaym verree popyoolar fer a whil in the coloneez. Peeples wud ordr their coffee an them littul samwhiches an folks wud sae: “Hey! Yu havin a Boston Tea Partee! Hnrf, hnrf, hnrf!” an think they wuz bein verree funnee.  I egspekts they started the revolooshun mostlee so peoples wud stop maykin the bad jok.

OK. That’s all fer now. Oh. An also don’t fergit to remind me to rememberer to tell yu about them witches, cuz it was also veree egsytin. I don’t noe why folks think histree is borin, when it got all this runnin an jumpin an cafeen in it!!!

Goin Bak a Littul

Musashi Sez:

I ben readin mor histry an I realizd that I left somthin out. See, befor the Frentch an Indyun War ther was this soshul moovemint called the Grayt Awakenin. Now yu rememember them Puritan pilgrim types whu had that big partee wift the Indyuns befor they started figtin wift the Frentch? They wer verree relijus, an went to church all the tim.

Wull, it turn out that they started getting bored wift 

church an peoples wuz fallin asleep an the preechrz gots mad. So they wentid up in their big pulpits an they started yellin about Basement Cat an how he was goin to com get their soles if they dint wake up!

So they all jumped up an down in their pews to stay awayk, yellin Glory Halleluya to Ceiling Cat! An this went on fer lik twenty years, an probable onlee stoppd once the preechrz got mor inneresting.

That Frentch an Indyun War, Wethr Yu Liks it or Not

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I noe that mai mom has the sads, mainlee I thingks becuz mai Onkul Me2 ended up joinin the Harp Sqwad in Hevin, instead of the Hevinlee Polish Polka Accordion Teem, lik she egspected. An I kin unnerstand her confuzzlement. After all, Onkul Me2 wuz the kinda gy to dans around the partmint a lot, an then drink too much root beer an start a figt. Yu noe, the kind of onkul a persin kin reellee apresheayte.

So I has desiderayted to push on wift my pervious plan to tell yu all bout Merican histry. I noe that wen I toldid yu about the Frentch an Indyun War, yu all thogtid, “Huh? But Frans is so far away from Indiana!”

An yu ar rigt about that. But it turn out the British folks had gotten a buntch of states that were sorta pinkish, an the Frentch had stolen states that were ligt blu. The Spanish had ben workin in the same way, and they took the states that were yellry-orange, like Florider and Taxus.

Parently, the war was about the Indyunz, whu lived ther first, sayin that the states wer all green an why wuz theez forin peeple paintin them different colrz? It was basically about grafeetee an sqwattin, near as I kin figgr. But the Frentch din’t win, and the Indyuns din’t win. So it were a strange kinda war. Huh.

Mai Onkul Me2’s Recent Lif-Event-Thin

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I wuz goin to tell yu about the Frentch an Indyun War, but othr things has happind that are mor importint. It turns out that my Onkul Me2 has gon to see Ceiling Cat, cuz his othr livs got yoozd up an he wanted to spend the last one watchin peeples from the clouds an, fer som rezon, playin the harp.

I akskd my mom why he wud be wantin to play the harp wen he not got the disposabul thumz, but she sez that in yer 9^th life, wen yu wift Ceiling Cat, he mayks the egseptshunz to the normul phyziks. So mai Onkul Me2 is probabul playin “I Hot-Bludded,” “Moonin Yer Rivr,” an “Wut’s up, Honkee Cat?” wift borro-ed thumz. An also bitin St. Mike an cuddlin up to that Frentch gal, Joan, who cleerlee needed mor kitteh-nappin in her life, an also sertchin the werld fer the paytrin saynt of coffee, so as to scratch her to deth. Cuz the coffee is whut kept him frum havin the mostst tim wift the lov of his lif, whu ar Meredift.

So all this is to sae yu shud all tayk the next 9 daes or so an do that whol morning thin, wher yu notis the birds whu ar singin in the mornin an thank them fer singin an stuffs lik that. If yu ar Joo-ish, yu needs to sit on a verree lo ottrman whil yu ar doin this stuffs.

Then yu has to promis yerself that the next aminul companyun yu invites to yer hous will be a stray/furrul/or reskyoo one.

Mai Onkul Me2 wud lik that.

An as he wud say, “Hello, reedr peeples, I loves ME! I meen yu…”

Mor Histre, This Tim About Coloneez

Musashi Sez:

So, we’re bak to Merican histry. Now about a hunnert years has passed sins the big Thanxgivin partee wift the Indyuns. Lots mor hoomin peoples from Yoorup has sailed ovr, because they can borro land from the Indyuns an has a farm, mos of the boys kin vot, (which they can’t do bak hom in Inglund an Frans an Jermany), an also they kin sue eetch othr more, so they also com ovr to go to Harvard to becom lawyerz. An sins lawyerz kin mak lotsa money, it almost worth bein seasick fer a monft on the bot.

Durin this tim, lotsa exciting things were startin, lik Connecticut an Virginia an Pencilvanya. Also lotsa importint peoples we bein bornd, although I not tell yu why they was importint until laytr, aftr I has red the next Wikrpedia artikul. But I kin tell yu their names: George, Tom, Ben, Nathan, John, an also som fellr named Quincy, which is a silly sorta name if you aksk me.

(Mom Says: This is coming from someone named Musashi, mind you.)

Musashi Sez:

Huh. Ther eevn a guy named Israel, and that wasn’t eevn a country at the tim, so his parents wer getting ahead of theirselves.