Chaptr Ten

Captain Morgashi paced the deck of his ship, The Scarlet Panther. He was in a troubled mood. All the plans were in place both here and back in Lundun, but he wasn’t feeling gud about either of them. Somthin was sure to go wrong. He had sent the men out to make a big noise in town, or rather, several big noises. They had kazoos and everthing.

Then the captain put on his schnauzer disguise and sneaked on board one of the big Navy ships to listen in sekret to the sailors talking as they swabbed the deck.

"I can't beleev that Commodore St. Wiffinton is makin us wash the deck wift water," says one.

"Wull, you did climb up that sail wift yer claws, Joe, when yu had the crazies yesterdae."

Morgashi left them to their icky task and went to listen to the petty offislers whu was lookin at a map.

"No doubt about it. When those dread pirates come after us, we is goin to whup their butts."

"George, does we have a shnauzer on our crew?"

Morgashi sneaked off the ship before anybody else cud notice him.

Musashi’s Shtring Theoree

Musashi Sez:

Happee Autom! As probabul most of yu reedrz noe, last monft was mai haf-birftdae, an mai rescue dae memerorial, 08/08 (an that’s why mai middul naym is Octavian). Fer that ospishus dae, I gots a green shtring from mai frend Jenna, an (when she had comd bak from Pitsberg) a fuzzy ninja moussee on a stretchee shtring from mai mom. Her naym is Shteller. The moussee, not mom. But this post is about shtringz, not ninjaz. This post about (dum-dum-DUM!): The Importins of Dentl Haijeen (an Sayfty Also).

Som peeples thingk that I only liv the life of a lidderary sellebriddy, but is not tru. In fact, I works very hard. Fer example, evry nigt, I com in baftroom wher mom is FLOSSING an BRUSHING her teeft. I junp up on the edje of sink an fossl-a-tate. I maks shur that she's doin it rigt: chewin on shtring an brushin wift the brusht. Then, wuns I shur she hasn't fergottin stuff, I junp down to the bathtub, to mak shur that no Bathtub Shnowzerz are comin up to attackle her or me. I told yu all about the shnowzerz wae bak in Janyooaree, so if yu hav forgot, yu shud go bak an refresh yer memorrary.

But heer’z the importint part fer all yu kitteez out ther. It akshul not jus mom whu hav to FLOSS wift shtring (an her shtring is green also). I gotsta FLOSS tooo. I fyndid this out bak in Jooly wen I vizitid the vet, a nys laydee whu say mai breft akshul stink fer a gud reezon, an that is jenetiks. Parentlee, I migt has som Mayn Coon kittee in me. They’r noen fer bein big an havin toothal problims. Huh. Win som, looz som, I ges.

Aneewae, mai verree niftee shtring from Jenna is the bestest. It is long an fuzzee, which meen it is mor fun an also that wen I FLOSS, it probabul catch mor stuff. The coolest part is it’s got like 7 or 8 endz, cuz I’ll be playin wift 1 an then mom danguls anothr abov mai hed, an jus as I grabs at that end, ther anothr 1 comin around at me! It lik majik, I thingks, boft fun an gud fer mai toofts. Betweeen that an the speshul toothal fud I got perscrybd bai mai vet, mai mouft smell mutch betterer an I am a happier kittee.

So all yu littul kitteez gots to rememember to FLOSS jus lik Onkul Musashi! K?

Baftub Sayf-tee an Enlaitend Self-Intrest

Mom Gives Background:

The other night, I was brushing my teeth and Musashi jumped up on the edge of the sink and stood there watching me. "Soopervyzin," he calls it. I had to lean over him to spit in the sink. He sniffed the Minty Freshness ™ and then jumped down into the bathtub, "inspektin," apparently.

"Inspecting for what?" I asked.

"Huh. Baftub Shnowzers, obveeussly," he said.

I told him that Bathtub Schnauzers were an urban legend, that there were absolutely no verified accounts of small schnauzers coming up through bath drains, and no reason why they would anyway. He disagreed.

Musashi Eksplayns:

Huh. Urbin lejends always have som truft to them. Everboddy noes that. See, whut happned is these humin peeples was washin their shnowzer peeples an they uzd too hot wadder, and the poor lil shnowzers sherunked! An, cuz ther was so mutch bubbulz, the humin peeples din't notis an they rinsd the doggees rigt down the drain! Is perty terribul.

So ever sins then, these lil doggees has ben wandrin the soowers, tryin to find their way bak hom. But soowers isn't nice places, an they gets cranky (the shnowzers, not the soowers). So good kittees all over Amerika has to stan watch over their humin peeples so they don't get bit on the butt. Is srsly importint dooty.

But kittees got enugf dootees. We got to pownce on stuff, an keep trak of burdees owtside the windo, an be Wayk-Up-Call Kittees, an jus all sortsa thins. So I ben thingkin that I shud mayk a plug that has a place fer humin thums on top part fer putting in an takin owt. An on the buttum part, it'll hav a lit-up sign (spelld in shnowzer, of cors) that sez, "Hey, Shnowzers! This not yer hom!"

Then I mak lotsa money, an the shnowzer peeples gets hom faster.

Mom Explains:

We call that ENLIGHTENED SELF-INTEREST.

Musashi Correkts:

Don't be sillee. We calls them Anti-Shnowzer Plugs.