Genesis According to Musashi 1:1-6

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I sed befor that I wud writ a nu Baibul thin, that mayded mor sens fer kittees. So I startid writin it and drawin the pictchurz, but I wuzn't shur that the hoomin peeples, whu ar the peeples whu cayrz most about the othr Baibul, wud unnerstan it compleetlee. So I asksed Mom to typ it up in mor hoomin Inglish, an onlee yooz LOLcat speak fer wen Ceiling Cat talkd or fer speshul werds. An Mom's genrullee cool, so she sed OK. So heer is the start. We hasn't figgerd out yet how to mayk jpgs out of mai crayon piktchurz that I droo. So we are yoozin othr stuffs fer now. Kthx.

Mom Says:

1. Ceiling Cat Creates the Universe and Everything, Including Urf

1. In the beginning, when Ceiling Cat created the universe, there was a whole lot of nothing absolutely everywhere, like darkness and dust and water and stuff, all mixed up. And Ceiling Cat hovered around, swooping over the face of the waters, being curious. Then Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks ligt.” And there was light. And Ceiling Cat purred; and Ceiling Cat separated the dark from the light, and curled up and took a nap.

2. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk som planetts out of the dust, an starz out of the ligt, an toss them into the dark bits.” And it happened. And Ceiling Cat purred and chased the planets and the stars around in the dark, leaping! and pouncing! on them and purring so loudly that they all spun around in the dark and they played with Ceiling Cat for a couple of millenieniums. And Ceiling Cat curled up and took a nap.

3. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and licked his toes and his belly and watched the planets and the stars playing together like kittens, and he said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks a speshul planet?” And he coughed and coughed and spat up a hairball, and shaped it into a planet, adding water and dust from the other planets, and sending it spinning with the others. And Ceiling Cat said, “I cogft up this planet, ‘urf, urf, urf,’ so I goin to call it Urf.” And Ceiling Cat purred and played with Urf, patting it and pouncing! on it, and leaving it with his footprints in some places and tall bits of dirt in others (like your litterbox, but much bigger and much nicer). And the Urf was hot and wet and Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk weedz an green stuffs?” And Urf brought forth weeds and green stuff of all kinds, and huge trees and brightly colored flowers of all kinds. And Ceiling Cat romped over the Urf, rolling in the weeds and chewing on the leaves and pouncing! on the flowers. And Ceiling Cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

4. When Ceiling Cat woke up, lots of millenieniums had passed. And he looked at the universe, at the planets and stars, and the darkness between them, and at Urf and its water and mountains and weeds and green stuff. And Ceiling Cat purred and said, “This all grayt! But I is bored.” So Ceiling Cat pooped on the Urf’s dirt, and kicked dirt and leaves over it and then rolled it into different shapes, tall, long, round and thin. Large as trees and small as leaves he made them, and he gave them teeth and claws and tails and wings, and said, “Be dinosaurs and romp around and eat stuff and practice your leaping! and pouncing!” And he breathed on them and purred. The dinosaurs of different kinds lived among the green plants and the fiery mountains. And Ceiling cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

5. Ceiling Cat woke and stretched and ran about the universe for a while, among the planets romping in the dark. He made stuff on some planets (which is secret and none of your business) and left other planets alone. And after several millenieniums doing this, he began to miss Urf, so he went back to see how the dinosaurs were doing.

6. Now Urf had changed considerably while Ceiling Cat was gone. Most of the volcanoes had fallen asleep and lots of dinosaurs had fallen into tar pits. But the one change Ceiling Cat had intended had not come to pass. The dinosaurs still had no fur. Ceiling Cat sprawled near the sun and thought. He realized that he had made the dinosaurs from his poop. If he wanted creatures to have fur, he would have to make them from his fur. Also, the dinosaurs, though fun to watch, were not very smart, for he had given them more muscle than brain, so they walked into tar pits and got themselves killed so that after only a few hundred millenieniums, there were almost none of them left. He would take thought and make new creatures. Right after a nap.

Mom Explains:

I really do know how to spell millennia, but Musashi insists that his spelling sounds much longer.

Creayshun Myfts Old an Nu

Mom Says:

So I’ve been trying to explain to Musashi how the creation story in Genesis works, that it is not a literal description of how God created the world, but a reasonable approximation, reasoned out and written by humans, of what made sense to them at the time, when they didn’t know any science as we understand it today. If he doesn’t feel comfortable with the story they came up with (or how it has been used), then he needs to consider who the poor old writers were, who were trying so desperately to figure out explanations for the stuff that happens (which also explains why sometimes the Bible offers two different stories explaining the same thing, back to back), good and bad together.

Musashi Sez:

Mom sed that if I doesn’t lik the storeez in her Genesis book, that I shud writ mai owns. She sez, “Wul, whut do yu thingk Ceiling Cat did? Writ it down. Why not? Yur ges is as gud as myn.”

An I sed, “Does I have to foller yer Genesis?” An she sed, “Cors not.” An I sed, “But cud I foller it?” An she sed, “Shur if yu wants to. Yu gots a vizhun of whut Ceiling Cat did an is keepin on doin, as far as this creayshun thin is consernd. Tell us that.”

An I sed, “This migt tayk a whyl. An I’ll need a purpul crayon…”

Mom Says:

Yu got it. I gives yu purpul crayon, an othr colrz, an som big paypr, an whutevr yu needs. I don’t noe how we ar goin to get it on yer website, but we’ll figgr that out. ‘Ceiling Cat will provyd.’

Musashi Sez:

That soun lik a qwot, but yu not sytid it.

Mom Says:

It is qwot, but yu ar too fast fer me. Is biblical, um, Genesis 22:34, I thingk.

Musashi Sez:

O, yah, the bit sayin, “Cuz Ceiling cat givz cheezburgrz.”

Mom Says:

Um, yeah. Probably. Wher I put mai green lettr baibul? It wuz around heer somwher…

Musashi Sez:

Mayk up mai owns creayshun storee. I lyks this ideer. Fer 1 thin, myn wud tayk mor tim. The ideer of Ceiling Cat creaytin werlds in the time it wud tayk him to puup—unbeleevabul. Huh. We kin do bettrer than that…

Nappin is Reqwyrd! Huh.

Musashi Sez:

OK! So I ben reedin (or, akshul, sleepin on) the saym books that mai mom is reedin fer skool. An this fall, that meen the Old Baibul that Mom an our frends (that be moslee our frens whu beleevs in bein Joowish or Crischun) spend tim reedin, so they kin figgr out whut Ceiling Cat is egspektin them to do wift their lyvs.

I wuz hopin I cud avoid the bit about hoomin peeples bein created, but no such luck. So heer it is, the Revyzed (by Mom) Standard (by hundreds of othr translaytrz) Lolcat Version, or the RSLV of the end of that storee I wuz tellin yu about befor. (An if yu wants to reed the whol thin, yu kin chek it out at http://www.lolcatbible.com. But I’m warnin yu, is reellee long. Reeeellee looooong. An that also wer pikchurs com from.)

Genesis 1:26-2:1-3 Ceiling Cat iz waching yu...

26 An Ceiling Cat sed, letz us do peeples like u, becuz we iz teh qte, an let men pOwnzOr becuz tehy has can openrz.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeples taht wuz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, men an women wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai maek bebehs kthx, an pOwn teh waterz, no waterz an teh firmmint, an evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sed, Beholdt, the Urths, I has it, an I has not eated it. 30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, an teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. Kthxbai.

1 An teh skyz an teh Urths wur finishd, an al teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7f day cuz he wuz poopd frum al dat werkin, an not liek havng himself alone. An he not get payd ovrtym eethr.

3 Ceiling Cat blessd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh hOliezOrz; cuz dats when he restd frum all his werk wich Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy Caturday!

Mom Translates:

The words “pOwnzOr” and “pOwn” are like “pounce” and “power” and some other words that people who write in TextSpeak like to write. It is apparently important that you write them with zeroes. Don’t ask me why.

Musashi Sez:

Now hoomin peeples probabul thingk that the reellee importint bit is the bit wher hoomins get all creaytid. But that’s jus extra. The troolee importint bit is the nappin. Cuz wen yu does hard werk, yu gots to rest an nap and then stretch an then nap som mor. That a thin Ceiling Cat sez in this book that I kin totallee get behin. Huh.

Mai Kyndr an Jentlr Blog

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I bet that lotsa yu reederz hav ben sayin to yerselvz, “Whut got into that Musashi? He ben verree agressiv, with the vyolins an scayree stuff. I thogt he wuz a sweet an jentul kittee. I has a sad!”

An yu noe whut? Yu ar egzaktlee rigt. From now on, this blog is goin to focus on kyndr an jentlr topics. An to showz yu I meen it, I’m goin to start by lookin at this Baibul thing mai mom is studyin at skool. This the book wher Ceiling Cat say he a sheep houskeepr, rigt? Yu jus can’t get jentlr than sheeps.

So we starts wift Genesis (Mom sez that meen “beginningz,” but I don’t beleev it. She sez it com from anothr langwudj. She also sez that this reellee old dOOd, Martn Loothr, he sez yu shud reed Baibul in yer own langwudj, so I gives yu the Revyzd LOLCat Verzhun. Is revyzd cuz Mom fix a littul of the spellin so yu foks whu aren’t fluent kin unnerstand. Yu reddee? (It goin to be jus a littul long, so if yu gots to go to the littr boks, yu shud probabul go now.)

Yu bak? OK! Heer it com!

Genesis 1:1-25 Boreded Ceiling Cat Makinkgz Urf n Stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez an da urths, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urths no had shapez an hadz dark face, an Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lite. An Ceiling Cat sez, I can haz lite? An lite wuz. 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, an splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark an not tripz over nothin. 5 An Ceiling Cat sed lite Day, an dark No Day. It were FURST!!!

6 An Ceiling Cat sed, I’m in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a urth. An he maded a hole in teh ceiling. 7 An Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez with waterz down an waterz up. It happen. 8 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has teh firmmint (wich iz funny bibel naym 4 ceiling), so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in urth’s base, an Ceiling Cat maydz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. 10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz Urth and waters Oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sed, DO WANT grass! So tehr wuz seedz an stufs, an fruitzors an vegtabels. An a Corm. It happen. 12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz is good, so, letz there be weedz! 13 An so teh threeth day: jazzhands!

14 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has lightz in the skiez for splittin Day an No Day. 15 It happen, lights everwher, like christmus, srsly. 16 An Ceiling Cat mayd two grate lightz, teh most big for Day, teh othr for No Day. 17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails an stuff, to lite teh Urths.18 An tehy rulez day an night. Ceiling Cat sawed: iz reelee good. 19 An so teh furth day, wOOt!

20 An Ceiling Cat sed, waterz bring me fishies an burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem. 21 An Ceiling Cat mayd big fishies an see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, an other stuffs dat mooves, an Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. 22 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai, make bebehs, kthx. An don’t worry, I won’t watch u secksy, I not that kynd uf kitteh. 23 An so teh...fith day. (Eevn Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cownt.)

24 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, an creepie things, an othr aminals. It happen, so ther. 25 An Ceiling Cat mayd moar living stuff, mooes, an creepies, an othr animuls, an did not eated tehm.

Musashi Sez:

This still 5th day. An ther jus a littul mor blog to com, so if yu didn’t go to littr boks befor, an yu’r thingkin now that yu shud hav gon, yu go now. We wait.

La la la.

OK, now I let Mom sez her thin, an then I sez myn. (Be payshunt wift her. She’z onlee hoomin peeples on owtsyd. She kittee peeplez on insyd. I thingk.)

Mom Sez:

Okay, I’m just going to quote a human scholar of the Hebrew Bible, Walter Brueggeman. (I give him at least three stars; who knows what Musashi will think…) He says:

The creation story tells “that the world (‘heaven and earth’) belongs to God [Ceiling Cat], is formed and willed by God [CC], is blessed by God [CC] with abundance, is to be cared for by the human creatures who are deeply empowered by God [CC], but who are seriously restrained by God [CC]. The creation [narrative is] an affirmation of the goodness of the world intended by God [CC]…” (Brueggeman 31-32).

Musashi Sez:

Huh. I getz that hoomin peeples is empowrd, cuz they got thumz. But I has hard tim seein the restraynin bit. I keep thingkin that if Ceiling Cat had been thingkin cleererer, he wud hav givn kittees thums an not bothrd wift hoominz. Egsept mebbe fer mai mom, an mai Ont Haydee an Onkul Josh. But noboddee els!!! (An mai cuzzin Raychul, an mai frend Karli. But that all! Srsly.)

An if I thingks that, as a kittee peeple, kin yu imajin whut the cow peeples and the piggee peeples, an the sheep peeples thingk? An I bet them whaylz hav a opinyon, too…

Mom Adds:

Brueggeman, Walter. An Introduction to the Old Testament. Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003.