Report frum Calrfornya

Musashi Sez:

So this past weekend, mai mom wuz in Calrfornya at this meetin wift 10,000 hoomin peeplez at it whu talks about relijunz. I asksd her how much is that an she sed, “Lots. Lik, one, two, Many, LOTS,” so we just goin to tayk her werd fer it.

I askd her whut they wuz sayin about Ceiling Cat ther, an she gottid all shiftee, if yu wants mai opinyun (which yu cleerlee do cuz yu’r reedin mai blog).

“Wull,” she sed, “I didn’t get to go to anee of the talks about Relijun an Aminulz… See, I hadsta werk Thersdae, so I hadsta travul on Fridae, wen they wuz havin a few of them. An then this Occyupai march caym up an I hadsta go to that, cuz it wuz Histree, an how offin doez yu gets to do that?”

An of cors, I not has a ansr fer that one. But I asksd, “Wull, but aftr that ther musta ben somthin, rigt?”

“Wull, I had intended to go to one about ‘Thinkin Aminulz an Relijun, Rethinkin Ethiks,’ but then theez faymus theolojunz, Joerg Rieger and Rita Brock—yu rememembrer sleepin on their books—“

“Huh,” I sez. “Yus, I remembrer.”

“Wull, they wer doin a talk on the Occyupai stuffs, an aftr the march—Hey, did I tell yu that Rita Brock lendid me her umbrellr?”

“No, but I wundred why yu left me it, sins I not evr go out egsept to see that vet person in Jooly.”

“I fergots it. Aneewae, they wer talkin about how mebbe we cud Occyupai the Univertsitee, an that the kinda conversayshun I not egspektid to hav heer, so I wentid to that insted.”

“Huh. I spoz,” sed I, but moslee cuz mom reellee noe how to speek my langwudj. “Still,” I aksd, “whut they sayin about Ceiling Cat? I noe ther lotsa innerfayth dialogz, so I figgrd ther wud be lotsa kittee peeplez ther givin talks.”

“Wull, ther a langwudj difficultee, yu noe. Lotsa theolojunz speeks Germin and Frentch an Greek, and I herd som speeking Japaneez an Chineez, but I’m pertee rayr bein somboddee whu flooent in LOLcat.”

“That predjudis.”

“Wull, kinda. But they sez heer that the academee moov reellee slow.”

“They turtulz?”

“Not egzaktlee. Altho ther ar rezemblez heer an ther. But maynlee it seem not so eezee to sugjest a noo groop fer studee, lik, sae, Innerspeesheez Conversayshunz, or Ceiling Cat in Poplr Relijus Imajinayshun.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. That whut I thogt.”

An of cors, it onlee mai mom’s ferst yeer goin to this thin, so ther no wae all them big toms is goin to listen to her even if she caterwaul about it, so I gess I’m jus goin to has to wayt.

But, huh. So mutch fer divertsitee.

Noer an Hiz ol’ Ark

Musashi Sez:

So my mom haz ben talkin about this gy Noer laytlee.

Akshulee I haz to go bak. Roun about 2 yeer ago, we writid a verzhun of the Jenisisis creayshun storee. This wuz Septembir 2009. Wull now mai mom is taykin a clas on Ceiling Cat and Creayshun, an also enviromentul ethiks. So she mentchun to her frend at skool that we haz writid this verzhun of the storee wift them dynosorz an the Glaysher Ayj (that wun wift all the ais an sno). This mayk her happee and it maydid her frend an her frend’z son happee, cuz that whol Ais-Ayj an dynosor-thing wuz not in the orijinul skript, as it tern owt. So it seem like that Bybul need to be updaytid. Huh.

So todae I is doin som mor of this theolojikul reeflekshun, this tim about Noer. Cuz altho we noez that some vegtabbulz automatiklee gets considered importint, aminal peeplez not alwaez get sutch rekognishun.

An heer’z whut I thingks. I's gonna let mai mom tranzlayt mai thingkin so everboddee unnerstandz it.

Mom Sez:

According to Musashi, one of the major problems of the story of Noah and the Ark is that they din’t mayk accommodations for…well…everybody’s poop. Musashi figures that there must have been a Poop Barge. Apparently, somehow the wasps, hummingbirds, chipmonks, rabbits, sheep, cows, hippopotamice, and elepfunts are all going to walk along a very nerrow rope between the Ark and the Barge, so as to get to their litter boxes.

Microscopic litter boxes, small litter boxes, medium, large, extra large, and elephuntyn litter boxes…

You get the picture.

And oh, yes, they all walk back across the rope back to the Ark.

Yeah, whut yer problim wift that?

Myoozik Revyoo

Musashi Sez:

Wull, mai mom has almost recovrd frum singin in front of lots of peeples. She didsd a gud job, from whut I has herd. I also got to see the recordin of her veree seeryus paypr about Ceiling Cat an his son Happy Cat an that othr fellr whu is eethr Hover Cat, or, possibul, a berd.

Ckristiantee is a verree confuzzlin reelijun.

Still, I iz prowd of her fer bein brayv an also fer getting hom frum it all before 1:00 in the mornin to feed me mai dinnr. She wuzn’t egzaktlee all perkee an reddee to plae wift the layzr poyntr lik I wuz, but yu can’t has evrthin.

I also thangks the hoomin, Pippa, fer singin wift mai mom, cuz she wudda lukt pertee stoopid singin half the song by herself, lik that old Caturdae Nigt Liv show wift the Pips but no Gladdis. Huh.

Dam Yu, Jak Frost! (Apparentlee)

Musashi Sez:

So todae Mom caym hom veree layt. Fynlee!!! It tuk her long enugf!

But she wuz veree ty-erd, cuz she spent the WHOL dae at her skool, the one wher she is lernin stuffs about Ceiling Cat. This also the one wher she lernd to tie a bo-tie yestrdae, an wher she is currentlee studeein about Ceiling Cat’s son, Happy Cat. Her paper that she is givin on Fridae nigt is about this whol Trinitee (Ceiling Cat bein three peeplez) problim. In the New Revised LOLCat Version (NRLV) of the Bybul, it seem lik ther ar a fyoo ideerz about whu that 3rd person luk lik. An Mom iz goin to talking about that.

But also, she is goin to be singin a song fer her frend whu is havin a hard tim. AND she got Shang-Hyd into a nuthr “skit” (this lik a reelee short plae, egsept it is moslee song). She is a littul less nervus about it. She say that the mor peeplez ther is, the less nervus yu has to be. She call this “soshul sykologee.”

Also, mai mom want yu to noe that she wrytid a bit about the Japan thing on her skool’s blog. Yu kin find it at 99Brattle.blogspot.com

PS: Mai mom wud lik to point out that wen she Googld, “Dam yu, Jak Frost,” she gottid 110,000 responses. This cleerlee sugjest somthin. We ar jus not shur egzaktlee whut.

Abov an Ovr Away from Mai Dootee

Mom Says:

I’d like to thank Musashi for so patiently listening to me give my presentation on Gothic cathedrals last night, staying awake during it, and giving me valuable feedback on what to cut. He also gave me Speshul Kittee Shiatsu on the 2nd and 3rd chakras this morning, to get my enthusiasm and spiritual power, and apparently digestion, working extra well. My presentation was well received.

Musashi Sez:

Yus, and jus to sho yu I reellee wuz lisnin, I tells yu whut I lernd about thoz Goth’s catheedrulz. First, they happened in citeez wher ther lotsa peoplez and monnee to pae them all. Cuz theez importint biship gyz wantid to figt heresee, which is lik, not agreein wift biships.

This Abbot naymd Sugar (but he was Frentch, so his naym shudda been Sucre, huh) inventid Goth, which had lotsa ligts and ordrz. They cud do this cuz they had all theez new compyootrz eevn tho they didn’t have rulerz. So I gess they went on the innerwebs an ordrd all thoz ligts onlyn.

Mom Sez:

Um, Musashi, not all technology is electronic.

Musashi Sez:

Hush. I telling whut I lernd, not whut yu thingk yu teetchd.

Aneewae, as I wuz sayin befor I wuz so roodly inneruptid, theez Bildr Bob gyz, they putted piktchurz of themselves on the wallz somtimz, lik in the bakgroun behin that Jeezus fellr. An somtimz they puttid the Gild logos on the windoz if a Gild had givd them monnee, cuz Goth is verree egspensiv. Somtimz they eevn puttid piktchurz up way high in back of pillrz an stuff, wher noboddee cud see them egsept Ceiling Cat an the gy wift the reellee, reellee tall laddr whu go up ther to cleen evr 500 yeerz or so.

Cuz yu reellee don’t want Ceiling Cat bord. He migt pouns yer toez!

Mai Akshul Holloeen

Musashi Sez:

So. Lastest nigt, Mom an Me celebraytid Holloween in our diffrint waez. She went to a partee held by my ol frend Lizzlbet an her buddeez. She went as me—not mai kittee me, but my innr Japneez samurai worrier me: Musashi Miyamoto. I stayd hom as Mom. I thogt about Ceiling Cat verree deeply, an fell asleep on her histree buk. I know it wuz the bestest one of her cherch histree buks, cuz she fallz asleep on it all the tim.

Now on one paw, this wuz less egsytin than I hads ben thingking. But I has desydid that the Shinkansen—the bullit trayn—is not so mutch a costoom as a spritual praktis. The wae I seez it, Ceiling Cat has to zoom! around! everwher! all the tim! verree fastest! to bring toyz to gud littul kitteez (an occayzhunul doggeez, birdeez, ottrz, chipmonks, an lik that) all ovr the werld.

Or mebbe that’s Santy Clawz…

Mom Says:

You’re not the only one who gets them confused.

Musashi Sez:

Huh. I shud thingk so. I meen, I eevn gets confuzzled whil wayrin Mom’z smartee-pants glassiz!

Full Disclosure:

Musashi did not in fact wear his mother’s glasses last night, as she needed them herself. As she pointed out, if you’re going to carry a wooden sword around, it’s best that you can see who it is you are choosing to smack or not smack with it, such as, say, Peter Pan. The above picture is a media stand-in for Mr. Musashi. Not Figure 3; Figure 3 is real. Figure 2 is, well, not so much.

The Terribl Twos an Wikrpedia

Musashi Sez:

Wull, this has ben a signigfigint surpryz to me, but parentlee, I has jus recentlee entrd a importint fhaze of mai develipmint. This fhaze is calld “the terribl twos.” Ther ar almos 23 MILLION Googul thins about this importint topic. See, it look lik wen folks turn 2 yeers old (aftr havin a whol liftim of egsperiensiz, which turn their minds to the mor importint ishooz of lif), they start actin crankee, havin difficultee desydin thins, an aksk lotsa qwestshunz lik, “Why is the sky bloo?”

I ben notissin lately that mai mom is nervousr than uzual, an I egspekt this is cuz of this stuff. She probabul is worried that I’m goin to be askin the hard qwestshunz, like “Why is grass green?” an “Why did Ceiling Cat invent doggeez?” an “If ice cream is so gud, why don’t we havs it at evree meel?”

An heer’s the ironic thin. Mai mom is studeein thee-ol-ojee, so she cud akshul ansr the Ceiling Cat qwestshuns (e.g., “Cuz he felt lik mixin it up.”). An she is kinda libral, which meen she got no problim about ansrin Ethikul qwestshunz wift Scientifik ansrs “Cuz it is reflektin all the bloo in the oshun’z surfis” or ansrs that mix thee-ol-ojee wift sciens, e.g., “Cuz Ceiling Cat mayd them to be photosympathetic, which meen they feel bad wen green stuff gets hurt, so they use all the green stuff in the sun to be green like the othr green stuffs. This also calld Solidaritee.”

So heer’z mai problim. I did whut I alwaez do is theez sitchuayshunz. I went on Wikrpedia to find out whut kinda qwestshunz I shud be akskin mai Mom. But Wikrpedia din’t halp: it focussd on littr box trainin an havin trantrums. Huh. I wae too old fer them.

All I herd from akshul (not web) folks about the twos is the asksin of the “Why” qwestshunz. An sins I cudn’t find out from Wikrpedia (or Googul) which qwestshunz I’m sposd to aks, I am havin to “wing it.” This wud be eezier if I wuz a berd.

But I shud also menshun, fer all yu littul kitteez out ther whu don’t noe yet, that Wikrpedia is onlee gud fer checkin stuff out, not fer akshul Reserchin. I gives yu a egzampul why. A fyoo nigts ago, mai mom wuz doin research fer mai spy blog (http://agenteightsspyjournal.blogspot.com) an she went to Wikrpedia to find out stuff about the l’Arc de Triomphe, wher tourists go in Paris. An that Wikrpedia artikul, havin ben hakkd up by som stoopid peeples, sed this, “The Arc de Triomphe is a monument of branmuffin in Paris that stands in the centre of the Place Charles de Gaulle, also known as the "Place de l'Étoile".[1] Branmuffin is at the western ends of the Champs-Élysées…. The Arc de Triomphe is one of the most greenest monuments in any dairy queen. It forms the backdrop for a dairy queen sign.”

An of cors that is jus nonsense. Cuz bran muffinz migt jus possibul have a reellee big white marbul monyooment, but Dairy Queenz? I don’t thingk so! Huh!

Qwot of the Dae: “If yu cuts the hous in haf, it fall down.” –Abraham Lincoln

Mai Big Problimz wift Noah

Musashi Sez:

OK, so I noez yu all has ben waytin fer me to egsplayn the big problimz of the Noah storee fer us kitteez (an also jirafs, lelephunts, lyonz, tygrz, rarmadillrz, an etc.). I’m sorree it has ben taykin me so mutch tim to writ it all down fer yu. But onestlee, it has not ben eezee. I get so upset by som of this stuff that I has to leap! up an run around the apartmnt! until the feelin go awae. An then I doesn’t dayr go bak to it fer qwyt a whil. An mai mom, whu (altho she agree wift me on how awrful this stuf iz) as she point out, gotta sleep wift me, don’t egzaktlee fors me to lokk eyz wift this problim.

Mom sed she wud halp me werk thru this, but she hasta writ a paypr fer her teetchr, an grayd payprz fer her stoodnts. So I gotta be payshunt, an I kin do that! Reelee, I kin! It moslee reqwyr nappin, wich is a form of meditaytin that mos hoomin peeples totalee ignor. Huh. (Stoopid hoomin peeples.) Ther not enugf Boodist peeples in this contree, espeshlee wunz lik me whu beleevs in Ceiling Cat an also follerz Boodr, (whu wuz qwyt a cool gy, akshulee.)

OK. So. I’m goin to settul myself betterer an then I wull writ the stuff yu all lookin fer, about how the Bibl is/isn’t all that good/bad, etc.

That Noah Gy, Part 2

Musashi Sez:

Wull! It has ben a long week, an no jok. It alreddee Wenzdae! Huh. An I ben distraktid, cuz I gots a noo roommayt, whu's laundree an books an stuff I hadz to sniff, cuz, yu noe that mai job, or part of it. But that not meen I not ben thingkin about mai jentul reedrz. So todae we givin yu the Lolcat Bible fer the next bit of the Noah storee. Then tomorrer I tell yu wich bits mayk sens an wich bits is jus ridiklus.

Mom Says:

Genesis 7: 1-23 Ceiling Cat Sendz teh Wetness

1 Ceiling Cat den said to Noah, "Goes into teh ark, yu and yer kittens, (cuz yu’r coolz an righteous an stuff, in dis generayshun) to taek wift yu 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an its mate.

3 An also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female, cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an female (for saem reason) to keep their various kindz livin throughout teh Urf. Fer 7 daiz and frum nao I’m gonna send teh wetness on teh Urf. A little advice, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez.

4 Fer 40 daiz and 40 nites, it goin to be wet and I goin to pwn some n00bs. Pwned!

5 An Noah did what Ceiling Cat told him to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and teh bullz.

6 Noah was liek reely old when teh wetness came. 7 An Noah and his kittehs enterd teh ark so tehy wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. 8 All teh moo cows and teh other creetchurz Ceiling Cat saidz; 9 male an female, came to Noah and he dun put them in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. 10 An after teh 7 daiz, teh wetness came.

11 In da, like, 6ooth year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth—on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz spewed waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. 12 An teh wetnessez came to teh Urf an it was all wet.

13 On dat dai, teh sons of Noah (Shem, Japheth, and Ham, wift ther wivz), 14 Tehy hads 2 of evry kind of aminal accordin to its kind, all moo accordin to its kind, evry creatchur dat mooves on teh grawnd, accordin to its kind an evry burd cordin to its kind, evrythin wift wings too, accordin to all kindz. 15 Pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came to Noah an enterd teh ark. 16 Teh aminals goin in wuz mayl an femayl ov evry livin thing, as Ceiling Cat had told Noah. (Except fer teh unicornz, and teh dragonz and stuffs. An that a long storree, that get told other-wher.)

17 Fer 40 dais teh flood kept comin on teh Urf, an as teh watrzs increasd they liftd teh ark high abov teh urfz. 18 Teh watrz rose an rose and rosed on teh Urf, an teh ark floatd on teh watrz. 19 They rised greatlee on teh Urf, an all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens wuz covrd. 20 Teh watrs rose an coverd teh mowntinz to a depth ov moar dan 20 feetz OMFGWTF!!1!

21 Evry livin thin dat movd on teh Urf perishd—burdz, moo cows, wild aminalz, all teh creeturz dat swarm ovr teh urf, an all hoomin peeplz. Not catz doh. Ceiling Cat luvz catz. Plus catz hates getting wet. 22 Evryting on dri land dat had teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz dyed.

23 Evry livin thin on teh face ov teh urfz wuz wipd out; hoominz an aminalz an teh creetchurz dat moov along teh ground an teh burdz ov teh air wuz wipd frum teh urf. Only Noah wuz left, an dose wift him in da ark.

Anothr Alturnativ Theeory Ceilin Cat Don't Cayr Fer

Musashi Sez:

In the speerit of offrin lotsa poyntz of vyu, I has desydid to tell yu about anothr of them cozmik theeoreez, onlee this tim, it is a theeory that hadzd inflooins on the eeventz of the hoomin baibul an the kittee baibul (which it turn out is not the saym as lolcat bible; whu nu?). So I tell yu whut folks beleevd wae bak, an laytr on, when I gets ther in mai nu revyzd verzhun of kittee baibul, I will tell yu how it all fit togethr.

See, wae bak, about 2 millenieniumz ago, in Souft Merika, lotsa peeples wer beleevin in this god naymd Qwetzlko-attul. He wuz a snayk wift a coat mayd of green fethrz. His naym meen (yu not goin to beleev this) “snayk wift fethrz.” He wuz god of ayr an wind an knowin stuffs. The hoominz killed aminals to keep him happee. It wer a verree uglee tim. But the Aztek kitteez, whu not noe betterer, worshipppt him, an yu kin imajin the attrakshun to a kittee of somthin that is part wigglee snayk an part berd. They musta ben watchin him fer hours an hours wiftout eevn blingkin.

I gives yu piktchurz of whut this god feller migt hav lookt lik. Pertee scaree feller. I gotta say, I todallee preferz Ceiling Cat, whu at leest look lik me, an isn’t neer as scary. Huh.

Ceiling Cat Finishiz Creaytin Stuffs

Mom Says:

BEGINNINZ 1:7-10

7. So Ceiling Cat napped and woke and stretched and napped again, gathering strength for this new creating business. And when he finally woke, he found that he had been blocking the sun’s rays from hitting Urf properly, and that some of the Urf’s seas had turned to ice, covering large portions of the land. So Ceiling Cat leaped! up and went down to Urf, and where his hot paws landed, the ice began to melt.

8. And Ceiling Cat coughed and coughed and produced hairball after hairball, and he shaped them to fly in the air and swim in the waters and to play on the ice and on the land. He was particularly proud of the woolly mammoths and saber tooth tigers. And the more he created, the more fun he had. He made bugs and birds, humans and horses, rats and rabbits, lions and lynxes, kiwis and kangaroos. He made stretchy animals like elephants and giraffes and round animals like turtles, ladybugs and hippopotomotmusses, and when he had done that, he realized he was just getting silly. So he purred loudly, breathing on the creatures, and then curled up and took a nap.

9. But the creatures were making so much noise, mooing and squawking and chirping, that Ceiling Cat was unable to sleep. So he picked up this animal and that by the scruff of the neck and deposited them in different places, some in the desert and some in the forests, some on glaciers and some beneath the mountains. And when there were different kinds of animals spread out around the whole Urf, Ceiling Cat purred, saying, “Now I is nevr goin to be bored agen, cuz I mayded all these creetchurz to be awsom lik me, and I is so happy that I is goin to take a nap.”

10. But before he curled up, he took some dirt and some ice and made a big white ball and put it on the opposite side of Urf from the sun, so that it would reflect the sun’s light and remind him not to sleep between the sun and the Urf. And because it looked like it was mooning him, Ceiling Cat named the ball Moon. And then, because he had worked so hard, Ceiling Cat curled up and napped. Kthxbai.

Musashi Sez:

OK, now yu noe the whol creayshun storee, the reelz one, not that ol hoomin peeples verzhun. Yu kin tell the diffruns cuz the hoomin storeez alwaez mayk it soundz lik hoomin are the perpuss of evrthin, an that is rediklus. An their verzhun of Ceiling Cat doesn't nap neerlee enugf fer all the werk he do. This kinda thingkin is calld "critikul interpretayshun" or possibul "HERMENEUTICS." But I doesn't noe whu this Herman feller is.

Mom Says:

I just want everyone to know that I really do know how to spell hipopopto-- hippopotma-- I really do know how to spell millennia.

Genesis According to Musashi 1:1-6

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I sed befor that I wud writ a nu Baibul thin, that mayded mor sens fer kittees. So I startid writin it and drawin the pictchurz, but I wuzn't shur that the hoomin peeples, whu ar the peeples whu cayrz most about the othr Baibul, wud unnerstan it compleetlee. So I asksed Mom to typ it up in mor hoomin Inglish, an onlee yooz LOLcat speak fer wen Ceiling Cat talkd or fer speshul werds. An Mom's genrullee cool, so she sed OK. So heer is the start. We hasn't figgerd out yet how to mayk jpgs out of mai crayon piktchurz that I droo. So we are yoozin othr stuffs fer now. Kthx.

Mom Says:

1. Ceiling Cat Creates the Universe and Everything, Including Urf

1. In the beginning, when Ceiling Cat created the universe, there was a whole lot of nothing absolutely everywhere, like darkness and dust and water and stuff, all mixed up. And Ceiling Cat hovered around, swooping over the face of the waters, being curious. Then Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks ligt.” And there was light. And Ceiling Cat purred; and Ceiling Cat separated the dark from the light, and curled up and took a nap.

2. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk som planetts out of the dust, an starz out of the ligt, an toss them into the dark bits.” And it happened. And Ceiling Cat purred and chased the planets and the stars around in the dark, leaping! and pouncing! on them and purring so loudly that they all spun around in the dark and they played with Ceiling Cat for a couple of millenieniums. And Ceiling Cat curled up and took a nap.

3. And Ceiling Cat woke up and stretched and licked his toes and his belly and watched the planets and the stars playing together like kittens, and he said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayks a speshul planet?” And he coughed and coughed and spat up a hairball, and shaped it into a planet, adding water and dust from the other planets, and sending it spinning with the others. And Ceiling Cat said, “I cogft up this planet, ‘urf, urf, urf,’ so I goin to call it Urf.” And Ceiling Cat purred and played with Urf, patting it and pouncing! on it, and leaving it with his footprints in some places and tall bits of dirt in others (like your litterbox, but much bigger and much nicer). And the Urf was hot and wet and Ceiling Cat said, “I wundr whut happnz if I mayk weedz an green stuffs?” And Urf brought forth weeds and green stuff of all kinds, and huge trees and brightly colored flowers of all kinds. And Ceiling Cat romped over the Urf, rolling in the weeds and chewing on the leaves and pouncing! on the flowers. And Ceiling Cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

4. When Ceiling Cat woke up, lots of millenieniums had passed. And he looked at the universe, at the planets and stars, and the darkness between them, and at Urf and its water and mountains and weeds and green stuff. And Ceiling Cat purred and said, “This all grayt! But I is bored.” So Ceiling Cat pooped on the Urf’s dirt, and kicked dirt and leaves over it and then rolled it into different shapes, tall, long, round and thin. Large as trees and small as leaves he made them, and he gave them teeth and claws and tails and wings, and said, “Be dinosaurs and romp around and eat stuff and practice your leaping! and pouncing!” And he breathed on them and purred. The dinosaurs of different kinds lived among the green plants and the fiery mountains. And Ceiling cat purred and curled up and took a nap.

5. Ceiling Cat woke and stretched and ran about the universe for a while, among the planets romping in the dark. He made stuff on some planets (which is secret and none of your business) and left other planets alone. And after several millenieniums doing this, he began to miss Urf, so he went back to see how the dinosaurs were doing.

6. Now Urf had changed considerably while Ceiling Cat was gone. Most of the volcanoes had fallen asleep and lots of dinosaurs had fallen into tar pits. But the one change Ceiling Cat had intended had not come to pass. The dinosaurs still had no fur. Ceiling Cat sprawled near the sun and thought. He realized that he had made the dinosaurs from his poop. If he wanted creatures to have fur, he would have to make them from his fur. Also, the dinosaurs, though fun to watch, were not very smart, for he had given them more muscle than brain, so they walked into tar pits and got themselves killed so that after only a few hundred millenieniums, there were almost none of them left. He would take thought and make new creatures. Right after a nap.

Mom Explains:

I really do know how to spell millennia, but Musashi insists that his spelling sounds much longer.

Nappin is Reqwyrd! Huh.

Musashi Sez:

OK! So I ben reedin (or, akshul, sleepin on) the saym books that mai mom is reedin fer skool. An this fall, that meen the Old Baibul that Mom an our frends (that be moslee our frens whu beleevs in bein Joowish or Crischun) spend tim reedin, so they kin figgr out whut Ceiling Cat is egspektin them to do wift their lyvs.

I wuz hopin I cud avoid the bit about hoomin peeples bein created, but no such luck. So heer it is, the Revyzed (by Mom) Standard (by hundreds of othr translaytrz) Lolcat Version, or the RSLV of the end of that storee I wuz tellin yu about befor. (An if yu wants to reed the whol thin, yu kin chek it out at http://www.lolcatbible.com. But I’m warnin yu, is reellee long. Reeeellee looooong. An that also wer pikchurs com from.)

Genesis 1:26-2:1-3 Ceiling Cat iz waching yu...

26 An Ceiling Cat sed, letz us do peeples like u, becuz we iz teh qte, an let men pOwnzOr becuz tehy has can openrz.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeples taht wuz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, men an women wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai maek bebehs kthx, an pOwn teh waterz, no waterz an teh firmmint, an evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sed, Beholdt, the Urths, I has it, an I has not eated it. 30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, an teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. Kthxbai.

1 An teh skyz an teh Urths wur finishd, an al teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7f day cuz he wuz poopd frum al dat werkin, an not liek havng himself alone. An he not get payd ovrtym eethr.

3 Ceiling Cat blessd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh hOliezOrz; cuz dats when he restd frum all his werk wich Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy Caturday!

Mom Translates:

The words “pOwnzOr” and “pOwn” are like “pounce” and “power” and some other words that people who write in TextSpeak like to write. It is apparently important that you write them with zeroes. Don’t ask me why.

Musashi Sez:

Now hoomin peeples probabul thingk that the reellee importint bit is the bit wher hoomins get all creaytid. But that’s jus extra. The troolee importint bit is the nappin. Cuz wen yu does hard werk, yu gots to rest an nap and then stretch an then nap som mor. That a thin Ceiling Cat sez in this book that I kin totallee get behin. Huh.

Mai Kyndr an Jentlr Blog

Musashi Sez:

OK. So I bet that lotsa yu reederz hav ben sayin to yerselvz, “Whut got into that Musashi? He ben verree agressiv, with the vyolins an scayree stuff. I thogt he wuz a sweet an jentul kittee. I has a sad!”

An yu noe whut? Yu ar egzaktlee rigt. From now on, this blog is goin to focus on kyndr an jentlr topics. An to showz yu I meen it, I’m goin to start by lookin at this Baibul thing mai mom is studyin at skool. This the book wher Ceiling Cat say he a sheep houskeepr, rigt? Yu jus can’t get jentlr than sheeps.

So we starts wift Genesis (Mom sez that meen “beginningz,” but I don’t beleev it. She sez it com from anothr langwudj. She also sez that this reellee old dOOd, Martn Loothr, he sez yu shud reed Baibul in yer own langwudj, so I gives yu the Revyzd LOLCat Verzhun. Is revyzd cuz Mom fix a littul of the spellin so yu foks whu aren’t fluent kin unnerstand. Yu reddee? (It goin to be jus a littul long, so if yu gots to go to the littr boks, yu shud probabul go now.)

Yu bak? OK! Heer it com!

Genesis 1:1-25 Boreded Ceiling Cat Makinkgz Urf n Stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez an da urths, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urths no had shapez an hadz dark face, an Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lite. An Ceiling Cat sez, I can haz lite? An lite wuz. 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, an splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark an not tripz over nothin. 5 An Ceiling Cat sed lite Day, an dark No Day. It were FURST!!!

6 An Ceiling Cat sed, I’m in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a urth. An he maded a hole in teh ceiling. 7 An Ceiling Cat mayd teh skiez with waterz down an waterz up. It happen. 8 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has teh firmmint (wich iz funny bibel naym 4 ceiling), so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in urth’s base, an Ceiling Cat maydz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. 10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz Urth and waters Oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sed, DO WANT grass! So tehr wuz seedz an stufs, an fruitzors an vegtabels. An a Corm. It happen. 12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz is good, so, letz there be weedz! 13 An so teh threeth day: jazzhands!

14 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has lightz in the skiez for splittin Day an No Day. 15 It happen, lights everwher, like christmus, srsly. 16 An Ceiling Cat mayd two grate lightz, teh most big for Day, teh othr for No Day. 17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails an stuff, to lite teh Urths.18 An tehy rulez day an night. Ceiling Cat sawed: iz reelee good. 19 An so teh furth day, wOOt!

20 An Ceiling Cat sed, waterz bring me fishies an burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem. 21 An Ceiling Cat mayd big fishies an see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, an other stuffs dat mooves, an Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. 22 An Ceiling Cat sed, O hai, make bebehs, kthx. An don’t worry, I won’t watch u secksy, I not that kynd uf kitteh. 23 An so teh...fith day. (Eevn Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cownt.)

24 An Ceiling Cat sed, I can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, an creepie things, an othr aminals. It happen, so ther. 25 An Ceiling Cat mayd moar living stuff, mooes, an creepies, an othr animuls, an did not eated tehm.

Musashi Sez:

This still 5th day. An ther jus a littul mor blog to com, so if yu didn’t go to littr boks befor, an yu’r thingkin now that yu shud hav gon, yu go now. We wait.

La la la.

OK, now I let Mom sez her thin, an then I sez myn. (Be payshunt wift her. She’z onlee hoomin peeples on owtsyd. She kittee peeplez on insyd. I thingk.)

Mom Sez:

Okay, I’m just going to quote a human scholar of the Hebrew Bible, Walter Brueggeman. (I give him at least three stars; who knows what Musashi will think…) He says:

The creation story tells “that the world (‘heaven and earth’) belongs to God [Ceiling Cat], is formed and willed by God [CC], is blessed by God [CC] with abundance, is to be cared for by the human creatures who are deeply empowered by God [CC], but who are seriously restrained by God [CC]. The creation [narrative is] an affirmation of the goodness of the world intended by God [CC]…” (Brueggeman 31-32).

Musashi Sez:

Huh. I getz that hoomin peeples is empowrd, cuz they got thumz. But I has hard tim seein the restraynin bit. I keep thingkin that if Ceiling Cat had been thingkin cleererer, he wud hav givn kittees thums an not bothrd wift hoominz. Egsept mebbe fer mai mom, an mai Ont Haydee an Onkul Josh. But noboddee els!!! (An mai cuzzin Raychul, an mai frend Karli. But that all! Srsly.)

An if I thingks that, as a kittee peeple, kin yu imajin whut the cow peeples and the piggee peeples, an the sheep peeples thingk? An I bet them whaylz hav a opinyon, too…

Mom Adds:

Brueggeman, Walter. An Introduction to the Old Testament. Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003.

Thingkin about Langwudj, Part 3

Musashi Sez:

Oh hai. I wuz goin to wryt mor about weddins todae, but mom sez it's Ayprul Fool's Dae, and mebbe hoomin peeples won't tayk what I sez srsly. So I'm goin to talk about langwudj, that isn't so importint as mai Ont Meredift's weddin. I get back to talkin about weddins tomorro or so.

Aneewhu.

I jus fynded out that mai cozzin Raychul noes how to talk in French, that is lik Inglish, egsept all the werds ar diffrint, if yu kin imajin this. She sez it’s not eezee, but if yu has peeples to talk to, wift theez new “werds” then yu kin mayk othr kins of peeples unnerstan yu. This werks fer boft hoomin peeples and kittee peeples (an mebbee even doggees, but I noe how hard that is to beleev, so we won’t talk about that todae).

I told her I didn’t unnerstand, so she told me to go look in the bible, an mai mom fynded the lolcat translayshun agin fer me, lyk she did when she wuz tryin to egsplayn that Jesus feller. So heer is a storee about langwudjiz an how they got to be lots. This com from the LOLCat Bible Translation Project. (An yu gots to rememember that they somtims spells thing in funee waes. Trai to ignor it, if yu kin.)

Genesis 11: Teh Towur ov Babel

1 And all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz usin' lolcats werdz. 2 Whial teh menz be movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv Shinar an sitted ther. 3 Dey sed, "Hai, letz maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fiir." So dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?) for mortar. 4 Den dey sed, "Hai, letz maek reel tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!"

5 So Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh men an ther towerz. 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez, "Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! 7 I gots'ta confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" 8 Dat's wai Ceiling Cat pwnsed 'em an dragd 'em away from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. 9 So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin' dem.

Musashi Iz Bak to Egsplayn:

OK, so ferst yu got to noe that “babul” meen speek in diffrint langwudjiz, somthin they hadn’t ben doin befor that. But when Ceiling Cat pounsd on them and mayd them all run awae speekin funnee langwudjiz, that is wher we gut all thoz othr werds fer thins.

Now, I noe that this is all perty stranje. It duzn’t soun lyk Ceiling Cat mutch, egsept fer the pounsin. But befor the LOLcat translaytrs got to it, this storee got wrytd by hoomin peeples, cuz kittees has that annoyin thum problim wift the wrytin. So yu gots to rememember what mom calls “CONTEXT.” Them hoomin peeples was annoyin Ceilin Cat, an that jus nevr a gud ideer.

Smartypants kittees wud nevr do somthin lik that. Huh.

Mom adds:

Musashi, oddly enough, is not the kind of cat who gets up on top of the refrigerator or the bookcases, for example. Some of you may be acquainted with the other type of cat, whom you may recognize in the Bible story. Also, I think the LOLCat Standard Version of the bible really needs to be edited and revised. But does anybody offer grants for that? For the evangelization of kitteez everywhere? No, of course not. Huh.

Clearly, I have been listening to Musashi a bit much...Sigh. Anyway, for the curious, bitumen is spit. Also, the pictures of the tower of Babel are by Pieter Bruegel and M.C. Escher.

Musashi's Kristmus Blog

Musashi Sez:

Yesterday is Winter Solstis. It is when we gets done wift the reelly short days an no sun, and when we turns around an has mor sun an less dark. Cleerly, solstis is gud thing. But mai mom has been tryin to explain to me about Kristmus. Apparently, Kristmus is this big deel fer som humin peeples. I asked mom if other, normul peeples (kittees an tigers an cows, an even dogs an mousees) worry so mutch about Kristmus, an she sed, "Well, it dependz." She sez that a lot. I thingk it's cuz she's LIBERAL. That meens she always tries to see, like, ten sides to everything. Somtims, is annoyin.

Anyway, from what I kin unnerstan, about 12 or 15 hundred cat-yeers ago (so like 5000 cat-lifes ago), this humin peeple was born, an his name was either Immanule or mebbe Jeesus. She doesn't noe. This humin was ekspectid by lots of folks, but they ekspectid him to be borned in a big PALACE where kings genrally get borned. If he'd done that, then he wud have been surrounded by lots of other humin peeples, who wud hav lickd his fur, an then mebbe they wud have figgered, "Oh, heer is that humin peeple that Ceiling Cat [mom sez yu calls it God] promissed us. Hoorah!" But it didn't go like that.

Insted, his mom an dad kept tellin the shelters that they needed a place fer his mom to have her litter, but they wudn't help (an mom sez they even unnerstood that she wasn't goin to hav like 4 or 5 kittees, only 1, but they wudn't even give her a space behind the cowch). So his mom an dad had to go to a barn where there was a cow an a donkee an a sheep an there wasn't even a cowch fer his mom to have him behind. I noe this is hard to unnerstand. But mom swears it's true, an she takes stuff like this reel seeriously. So I tends to beleev her.

Anyway, so this Immanule/Jeesus peeple was borned in the barn an these angels, wift humin peeple looks but also wings like berds, came around singin how he was goin to save everybody. An this is where the whole thin gets silly, cuz he's only a humin peeple, an shur, he's got thums, an that's reel helpful, but save the werld? Wift jus thums? I dunno.

An also, I looks at how the werld is these days, wift so many kittees (an yes, even dogs) wiftout homs, an cows crowded at the faktries they werks at, an even the sheeps (an everybody noes how dum sheeps is) crowded at faktries, an the pigs (who are akshully kind of smart) crowded at faktries, an they'r all lettin themselfs get killed by humin peeples, like it's all normal an okay. An it isn't.

Chikkins, yeah, okay, chikkins is dum and we needs to eat them. But reglar animal peeples, who kin figger thins out an feel pain an stuff. That kan't be rite. So I thingk that mom's hero, Immanule/Jeesus, is eether a fake or he jus has a whole lot mor werk to be doin and he shud be gettin on wift it. Mom sez she tries to help, an that's why she buys stuff from ree-sponsi-bull companies. Cuz she sez this Jeesus fella is goin to ask her seerious qwestions later an she wants to be reddy. Cuz if she isn't reddy, then Ceiling Cat will get reelly upset wift her. An that sounds bad.

So I gess I gots to help her. Even if the Kristmus thing don't make sense. Cuz she's mai mom an she brought me hom when I was losted and they had me in the shelter. So it's the leest I kin do. Now if I cud only figger out how to help. Besides tellin her about Ceiling Cat an how cool he is.

Mom Explains:

This is the text of the Scripture I tried to explain to Musashi. It is the LOL Cat Standard Version (LCSV), Luke 2:1-20. [I have made minor changes for clarity.]

Oh Hai, Jebus iz Bornd
1 'Roun dis tiyem, Caesar Augustus wuz like, "I can has cenzus?" 2 ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible census!) 3 And all teh doodz went home for [it] saying, "I is heer!" 4 So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz borned, 'coz David wuz hiz graete-graete gran-daddie. 5 An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married wif him an she was preggerz. 6 When wuz time for teh baybee, 7 it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish, cuz teh innkeeper wuz liek, "No room here, kthxbai!"

Sheep-doodz n Angels
8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring, srsly. 9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!! 10 But teh angel sed, "DONT AFRAID OF ENYTHING! [It] r ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz! 11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! [Is] Christ da Lord! w00t! 12 Iz sign fer u, find da baybee wrapd like burrito in a big fud dish."13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai."

15 An when da angelz go invisible again, sheep-doodz sed, "Sweet, nao we find teh burrito-baybee sayvur!" 16 So dey left da sheeps (sheeps r vry borng) and found Joe an Mary and da baybee in da fud dish. 17 An when dey saw it wuz baybee an not burrito, they told evrywun he wuz kewl. 18 An all teh doodz who herd were lyke, "[N]eat-o burrito!"19 An Mary wuz lyke, "O rly?" 20 Teh sheep-doodz sed, "Yay fer Ceiling Cat! Was not invisible burrito!"

Musashi Sez:

I'z not shur this Bai-bul thing is helpin, but it does say that Ceiling Cat is who to thangk an/or blame, so that is helpin. Anyway, it makes mom an her frends happy an then they gives things to each other and akts nicer. An mom an my roommates is normally pretty nice, but I thingk it helps if they'r remememberin the son of Ceiling Cat bein born in a barn. Mebbe it makes them mor likely to give money to shelters like www.therescuesite.com an similar. So that's mebbe okay. I goin to reed mor of this LCSV buk-thing an gets bak to yu on it.