Solstice Shtuffs

 

So today bein Solstice an stuffs, mom did that thing where she lighted a buncha candles and picked me up and danced around, singin "It Solstice. La la la la la! Solstice! Winter is coming on Solistice, la la la..." LIke that.

It was exactly as annoyin as it sound. Marian laughted, but then she from MIT and unnerstans the science of it all: imagine: singing about winter when you is at the longest day of the year? Larfable.

On the other hand, is not exactly like I get lotsa chances to dance.

This a Lettr in a Tin Can to Granpa

Hallo to my readrz, speshially Grandpa.

Last week started out great wift Mom celerbratytin havin dopted me eithg (8) years ago from Angell Memorial Hopsital. Eevn wift "Freeda" whu is livin wift us now bein all nosy an not lettin ME be nosy in return, stuffs has been perty gud.

But then Mom took me on a Trip, an tho it was not quite as longerer a trip as the last couple times, it was endless!!! And noises. And Trucks, and stuffs liek that: no funz!!!

But we has doenz this befores, and I allus gets a Medal fer Gallantree in the Fays of Shots! This time it shaped like a kittee!

But they seds I hads to go bak an get mai teefs cleened. And then when we wen bak and they puts me to shleep, they tukt TOO of MAI TEEFTS!!! An admitterly, they were the teefts that were hurtin me, but still!!!

And now they are squirtin icky stuffs down my throat, an it not the peeples at the vets orfice but my ONW MOM and also Marion, who is Freeda's Mom.

You gotsta talks to them an tell em to shtops! I bet this never happens to YOU!

LOv,

MUSASHI

Hospsitalitee an Zippeez in the Walls

So we gots this lil kittee livin wift us an she is a pain in my floofy neck. Sometime she come out an look around the partmint, eevn in the baftroom an MAI room!!! Huh. So I has to keep a caerful watch out. This mornin I did a unplanned divebombin of her room an Mom gots real mad at me and called me a Bozo and made me stay in mai room til it gotted out of mai sistem.

Then tonigh I redeemified maiself by listening to teh walls. I was hopin to catch a big misqeeter or mebbe a fly, but Mom thought it might be the sircut breaker and her friend, who liv wift us this summer said Yus, call them maintnince guys. (She is a enjinneer, which I think means she drives a choo-choo train. Because this is such a cool job to has, I am forgivin her today fer her ridiculus kitteee Freeder. An mebbe the electricity feller will com an tell me how hansome I am an put a hole in the wall fer me to look into.

Todae is Marerthon Day in Boston!!!

Musashi Sez:

So todae is Patriots Daye and the dae we celerbrate the Marerthon in Boston!! Woo woo!! Mom sez that it look like 30,000 people is gonna run past our house, an she also suspect taht about 10,000 drunk colledge stoodints is gonna walk irregularly past our house also, yellin things like, "Yooo kin do it!" an also "Yay yooo!" She sez this perdiction is comin from her past experience. I blieve her. Mostly. I mean seriusly, 30,000??

But meanwhile I has been sleepin on the compyuter chair of inspiraytshun. I has been gettin in touch wift my myooz an waitin fer her to show up. Then Mom kicks me off the chair, sayin, "Musash-kin, you gotta gets some exersize!" an then we plays soccer wift the ping pong balls.

Fer thos of yu whoo don't know, Musash-kin is the Russian diminyootiv fer Musashi, an it means that she likes me, which I kinda knew becuz she allus gets up an feeeds me when I pats her on the face at like 4:30 or 5:25 or 6:12 or 7:31 or 8:76 or whatever.

She bougted some noo shooz today and letted me smell them. They smelled kinda weird, not normal like her feets smell after a long day of work. But I guess she might be wanting a change. Meanwhile, we are watching the Buffy reruns togethr. I suspect she want me to pertect her if them vampyrz com in at night, becuz I am watchamacallit, oh yeah, nocturnal.

The Writr Problem of Butt to Chair

Musashi Sez:

So I ben tryin to writ mor, an I has two problems with this. First is that is SPRING!!!! So I has to run across the partmint VERYFAST!!! And then turn aroun and run VERYFAST!!! in the opperzit direkshun!!! This can take alot of time.

The othr problem is that when I sit in Mom's comfy capyuter chair to type, I falls asleep. These two things meen that I hasn't been doin much writin lately. Also, I has to catch the red dot!!!

That Annoyin Tutch Typin Thing

Musashi Sez:

So I hav been tryin verree hard to writ my blog lik Mom does, altho she has a grate advantidg over me on account of her Posable Thums. I has a veree hard tim typin, whereas she just tippity-taps away lik it is easy or somethin.

I has LOTSA stuffs to say, but when I sit down on the keyboard, all of my ideers runs away. Mom sez I needs mor self-dissaplinn, but mostly I think whut I really needs is a typin class.

LEAP! Day!

Musashi Sez:

So aftr mai short foray into fikshun over the summer, I has deciderayted to consintrayt on my strengfts: joornulizm, tellin it lik it akshully is. I was goin to do this yestrdae, but I spent so much time LEAPING!!! everwher that I not had time to akshully writ about the LEAPING!!!

See, Mom tolded me about the calender, which is the big flappy thing on the wall in the baftroom wift all the piktchurs of her college on it. Turns out, fer some reason she cudn't explayn too gud, every four years, they adds a day to the calender, and we gets an extra dae fer exercizin. So we played wift the BRAND NOO LAZR POINTR!!! An I was LEAPIN an runnin aroun like a crazypants persin!!!

An then I hads to nap, cuz I was tierd. i am pretty shur that if you missed yer chance yestrdae, you cul probably spend som time tomorrer LEAPIN! It is gud fer yu.

Mai Writer Blok Has Winned

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Musashi Sez:

So, I has finally given up on my pirate storee, cuz not onlee has I not gots a middul, I not even gots a ending, which mai mom ALWAYS has when she givs up on her novels. I has EMBRACED my writer blok in a Tru Feline Way (TFW), which is to say that I has scratched it to deaft. I will eventchooly return to writin NotFiction, after I has done enugf of that swoonin and swearin and genrally bein unlovable that writer-types do aftr their novels fail.

Then, I will get bak to that whol, just opinionatering thing that I was doin so well when I was jes a kitten what did not know what was not possibul.

Chaptr Ten

Captain Morgashi paced the deck of his ship, The Scarlet Panther. He was in a troubled mood. All the plans were in place both here and back in Lundun, but he wasn’t feeling gud about either of them. Somthin was sure to go wrong. He had sent the men out to make a big noise in town, or rather, several big noises. They had kazoos and everthing.

Then the captain put on his schnauzer disguise and sneaked on board one of the big Navy ships to listen in sekret to the sailors talking as they swabbed the deck.

"I can't beleev that Commodore St. Wiffinton is makin us wash the deck wift water," says one.

"Wull, you did climb up that sail wift yer claws, Joe, when yu had the crazies yesterdae."

Morgashi left them to their icky task and went to listen to the petty offislers whu was lookin at a map.

"No doubt about it. When those dread pirates come after us, we is goin to whup their butts."

"George, does we have a shnauzer on our crew?"

Morgashi sneaked off the ship before anybody else cud notice him.

Chaptr Nyn

Meanwhil, bak in England, the king was getting cranky. He knew that his birftdae party was gonna be expensive, especially cuz of all that fansee importid cocoa, but he had expected his tax gathererers to be more efficient in gatherin the taxes. So he thort and thort about it an finally he asksed his Exchequer (who is the guy who writ the king's cheques) fer som advices.

The Exchequer recommended sendin out privateers to steel money from the French boats, an account of France not bein friends wift the English at taht time. The king was perty happy wift this idear, so he gave the order and then went back to playing checkers wift himself (which he did mainly becaus that was the only way he could be shur to win).

Chaptr Aigt

In the days leadin up to the Great King’s Birthday Cocoa Convoy Armada, Port Royale was a very egsitin place to be wift all the cargo ships and the navy ships spiffing themselves up fer the trip. It was the peeples spiffing the ships, I mean, cuz ships not gots the posable thumz necessary fer spiffing properly.

Meanwhile, just off the south coast of Cuba, Captain Morgashi’s ship, Scarlet Panthr, was also getting itself spiffed. The feller wift the spectacles was runnin aroun yelling at folks, Jack O’Bowsprit was checkin thins orf a list on a soggy clipboard wift a green pencil in his mouft. Captain Morgashi was carefully lickin his shiny black fur, cuz it do no gud to have a spiffy ship if yer captain ain’t equally spiffy.

As they spat an shined and generally spiffified, the crew sang sea chanties. Admittedly, they hads to change some of the words so that they ended properly, cuz lotsa those sea chanties wus writed by the Navy guys, whu doesn’t have a sense of narrative irony.

"Aloft there, aloft there,"
  Our jolly bosun cried.
"Look ahead, look astern,
  Look to weather an' a-lee."

"There's naught upon the stern, sir.
  There's naught upon our lee.
But there's a lofty ship to wind'ard
  An' she's sailin' fast and free."

"Oh hail her, oh hail her,"
  Our gallant captain cried.
"Are you a man-o-war
  Or a privateer?" cried he.

"Oh, I'm not a man-o-war
  Nor privateer," said he.
"But I am salt sea pirate
  All a-looking for me fee."

"Oh get her, oh get her!"
  Those pirates they did cry
And the pirates they did get them
  And they sank 'em in the sea!

Chaptr Sevun

North of Kingston, Sir Edmund St. Vincent-Harewood-Osprey, Esq. ambled through his cocoa groves with the viceroy who, bein a much youngerer man, was feelin very impatient.

“Sir Edmund,” he said, “I feel you are not takin the seriousness of this situation, well, er, seriously.”

“Son, I’ve seen cocoa come an cocoa go. It will outlast all the pirates, you mark my words.”

“But this isn’t just any pirate. It’s not like we’re talkin about Red Beard or Captain John Partridge. This is Morgashi that I have to handle!”

“Weeell, yes, he’s a caution, an no mistake. But I have been readin the reports, boft in the newspapers an the letters from my opposites in London, an everbody says his crew is naught but a rag tag: cats, dogs, hoomin peeples, a old circus tiger and the like. Whut we have in the Royal Navy is 100% men, and British subjects at that. How can we possibly lose?”

The viceroy sighed. He had dealt with such narrowly educated men before. He said carefully, “Sir Edmund, have you ever lived with a house cat or a dog? Or, for example, attended a circus?”

“What? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Horses, that’s the ticket!”

“Yes,” said the viceroy. “That’s what I thought.”

Sir Edmund gave him a hearty slap on the back, as such men do, and left him to ride gloomily back toward Kingston.

Chaptr Sixx

The weekend was busy fer everboddy whu worked at the Royal Bank. All the janitors, tellers, clerks an manager types were working overtime from hom. The janitors baked jelly rolls. The tellers layered trifles full of creem. The clerks made eclairs and the managers made muffins. The analysts filled pies and the commissioner baked cakes. Monday morning rolled around to find a whole lotta peeples feelin eevn less happy than usual to be comin into work, cuz not only was they all egzausted, but they all felts all sortsa guilty fer fallin orf their diets.

An on top of their work wift the jelly rolls, the janitors had to put up the big red an yeller tents outside the bank on account of it migt start rainin again, an nobody wants soggy eclairs. The clerks had to make the signs wift their rulers an magic markers, an the analystises had to figger out what prices to charg fer all the different things. Then the tellers had to sits behind the foldin tables an actually sell peeples the fuds.

It was a verree long dae. If, in the midst of the bustle, any of them bank folks noticed a little man in spectacles taking notes (an buyin a half a dozen eclairs), they didn’t see any signifificance of it.

In the end, the consensus tally of the money was $1294.62 +/- 11.37, which was still not enougf to pay fer three whole ships wift actual orficers, but Commissioner Gordon was pretty shure she could get the Viceroy to pitch in to pay for the orficers hisself. After all, the whole convoy thing had been his idear in the firstest place.

Chaptr Fyve

Captain Morgashi made his way from the poop deck, where his litter box was, to the quarter deck, where the little man wift spectacles was steerin the ship. Morgashi relied on him completely fer evrythin from plottin their journiez on the map to cleenin out his litterbox (on account of his havin posable thumz), but he cud nevr remember the man’s name, so he hedged.

“Ahoy, sailor! What news?”

“Smooth sailin since the rain let up, sar. Also, Jack O’Bowsprit said to tell yu that he’d be back soon, rigt aftr the bank meetin, where he will have been spyin up a storm among his betters, sar.”

“Oh yes, that is gud news, er, Bo’sun. Send him to my cabin as soon as he gets here.”

In his cabin, Morgashi curled up and tukt a nap while he was waitin. Ten minits latr, Jack O’Bowsprit knocked on the dor an caym in. Bein a person of the Beagle persuasion, he licked Morgashi’s face befor he cud give his report. Morgashi was not too happy about this, but because Jack had a eagle-eye nose an very strong skills in linear thinkin, Morgashi dint say nothing about it.

“Report, sailor,” he said an wiped orf his face with his Garfield hankerchif.

Jack said, “Well, Captain, them bank folks is planning a trap fer us. The King’s birftdae is comin up an the viceroy plans to ship lotsa cocoa back to England fer the celebration. But the Royal Navy is goin to accompany them cargo ships so we can’t get at them.”

“Hmm,” said Morgashi thortfully. “We could take this a few different ways. First, if we kin mayk the Navy think we gots an armada of pirate ships, they wud send lots and lots of Navy ships wift the cocoa, leavin the islands underprotected. That cud be a opportunity. Second, we cud get one of our spies on one of them ships to detect—“

Jack barked, “Don’t look at me, sar!”

“Well, third, then. We cud alert our contacts in London. Once the Royal Navy has escorted the ships over the waters, they are problee not gonna be too interested in the cocoa on land, in the port warehouses. We cud do a spot of pilfering there, I expect.”

“Captain, you is just full of innerestin idears!”

“Yep,” said the captain, carefully lickin a paw. “I am at that

Chaptr Forr

In the boardroom of the Royal Bank, lotsa importint peeples sat around a really long table. Commissioner Leticia Gordon had given up her chair at the end of the table to the viceroy, who was in a foul mood.

"Those darn pirates!" he yelled. "They keep stoppin our ships and stealin our gold an it has all just got out of hand! What are you peeples doin about this?"

The island's cheif of police yawned. "If you can't keep our gold safe in yer bank, then what do you expect us to do about it?"

Gordon frowned. "I say, that is unfair. If it wasn't fer his Vice Regalness here, we wudln't have had that party in the first place and ther wudn't have been a distracshun for them to use."

Hay-on-Bloominton stood up and looked out the window. Everywhere he looked there were stoopid palm trees. He hated palm trees. He wanted to go back to England, where peeple were civilized. But the king said GO and he went. "Very well. If the police can't keep our gold safe, it's time to bring in the navy. The king's birthday is coming up and the Royal Quartermister has ordered a three shiploads of cocoa for the occasion. Between Blackbeard, Sparrow and Morgashi, you just noes that them pirates are goin to attack those ships. So we are goin to make a caravan of the merchant ships an navy ships to protect them."

Gordon said, "An who is goin to pay them? The gold Morgashi stole was sposed to be the pay for the ships currently posted here."

"That," said the viceroy wift an evil grin, "is your problem. I suggest you has a bake sale."

Chaptr Three

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It rained all day. At the Royal Bank, everbody was in a foul mood, an nobody was in the mood fer a party, but the Viceroy and the Commissioner would be arrivin any moment now, an so the bank clerks blew up the bloons an put out the fuds on the big tabulz. George, the head clerk, grumbled to himself, but then he cheered up, when he realized that there was gonna be jumbo shrimp cocktails, which was his favrit.

At fiv o'clock on the dot, three peeples walked in: Viceroy Hay-on-Bloominton, Commissioner Gordon, and a jaunty feller wift a long red coat and big boots.

The viceroy said, "So Captain Morgashi, how goes the war on coconuts?"

"It's not easy," said Morgashi, pulling some sashimi-on-a-stick out of the cantalope. "Every time we shuts down a coconut dealer, two mor come and take his place. An they are cuttin the coconut wift all kindsa crazy stuffs like sugar an salt an eevn turnip shavins if yu kin beleeve it."

The small talk continued as a small band gathered in the lobby an began playin square dance music, because somebody had hired the wrong fiddler.

Captain Morgashi turned to Commissioner Gordon and said, "Care to dance?"

Then, while the commissioner was swishin her skirt an the captain was do-si-doing, in the background where nobody wud notice them, a little man wift spectacles sneaked in wift a ragtag band of brothers in scratchy suits, all incognito, an they slipped into the back room where the safe was.

"Turn up the music!" yelled the captain, an the band played as hard as they cud. "Napoleon's Retreat" never sounded so gud. If there was in the background the sound like a small exploshun,  peoples just figgered that it was sound effects.

The party ended just aftr midnight, an at first nobody noticed the complete lack of chili sauce, or, fer that matter, gold.

Chaptr Too

Meanwhile, out on the horizon, a storm was brewing. The sky was the color of very bad corfee, brown with swishes of milky clouds, and the sea was grey.  The pirates returned to their ship, carryin all the fishes an the iceboxes, an singin pirate songs. Up on the foredeck, Captain Morgashi was pacing back and forth tryin to decide who to rob next. They had food for at least a week but they needed gold, because nobody take you seriously as a pirate unless you gots lotsa gold.

"Pirate Roberts," sed the Captain. "When was the lastest time we robbed the bank ship from Lundun?"

"Dunno, Captain. Seems like it's been a while."

The little pirate with the spectacles an the clipboard said, "Captain, some of the men are asksin if we cud maybe rob somebody of their chili sauce to go with the fish."

"Chili sauce?" roared the Captain. "What'll people think of us if we run aroun robbin people of their condiminiments? Gold! That's what real pirates steal!"

Down on the main deck there were ominuss murmurs from the men. The captain had to think fast. A storm was a bad time to hafta be worryin about a possibul mutiny. A small lightbulb appeared above his head.

"Aha!" he shouted. "I have just the idear!"

Chaptr Wun

It was a bright an peaceful day in a small city in the middle of the Carrybean Sea. In the open markit, peoples was buyin fish fer dinner an talkin about how the weathr was much worser last year. Ther was eevn som peoples singin "tralala" which just goes to show that peoples don't know very much about omenz.

Suddenly a shot rang out. Everbody screamed. Ther on the top of the city walls, was a bandit. Yu could tell cuz he was wearin a mask, an most honest folks don't wear masks cept at Halloween, which is in October, and this was May.

"A bandit!" they yelled.

"I'll have all your fish!" he shouted below, putting his blunderbuss away and pulling out his shiny sword. He swished it in the air, leaving a faintly shiny R in the morning dew.

"Not our fish? What do you want with our fish?"

"It is very fresh, is it not? That is best for travellin when you don't has referidgitatayshun."

The fish monger looked suprized. "I don't have refredigit--what you said. All I has is this ice box."

"An ice box? What ho!  Then I shall has that too!"

And suddenly there was all these pirate-looking types, incloodin one wift spectacles an a clipboard an a littul pencil. He tookd charge and before you knoes it, all the fish an ice boxes was gone!

Whut I Did This Summr

So I tookt the summr orf to be a Gentulman of Leezhur an writ mai furstest novul. This is a novul of adventchur, wift chays sceens and pirates and lotsa derring-do, which are the sortsa things yu kin expect from a novul, especially if it is writed by ME. I had to hide mai writin from Mom, cuz she is a English teetcher an they ar known to be perticular about things lik spellin an plots an tranzitions an stuffs. An I didn't want her to be crampin mai style. So I writed in one of her old notebooks wift my trustee purpul crayon (except I did the fightin sceens in red and the long, borin descriptions that nobody reads in green).

But then I went to try an type it up and it just no good typin wift paws. The keys are too little and it takes ferever to get to the end of a sentence if I try to type wift just one toe. So I hadsta admit to Mom about mai Novul an aksksd her to type it fer me. She was verree surprized, because she thought I had spent the summer jus lyin around.

This could not be furtherer from the trooth. I was imaginatin like crazy. Sometimes, I sat in her compyuter chair and jus stared at the compyuter fer hours. Parently, lots of novulists do this. At one point I asksd Mom if I could have a cup of corfee (preferable in her ninja mug), but she said that it would stunt my growth or somthin. So mai novul migt not akshullee be as EXCITIN as I had planned.

Once the Furniture Is Bak to Normul...

Musashi Sez:

So the landlords is "bringin the parmint up to code" which apparently mean cutting holes in all the walls and som of the ceilings and making us move the furnichur when my friend Jack isn't actually makin another moovie. I keep lookin to see if ceilin cat reelly is watchin, but maybe his is on vaycayhshun. Meanwhile, I has been making plans for my summer.