Chaptr Ten

Captain Morgashi paced the deck of his ship, The Scarlet Panther. He was in a troubled mood. All the plans were in place both here and back in Lundun, but he wasn’t feeling gud about either of them. Somthin was sure to go wrong. He had sent the men out to make a big noise in town, or rather, several big noises. They had kazoos and everthing.

Then the captain put on his schnauzer disguise and sneaked on board one of the big Navy ships to listen in sekret to the sailors talking as they swabbed the deck.

"I can't beleev that Commodore St. Wiffinton is makin us wash the deck wift water," says one.

"Wull, you did climb up that sail wift yer claws, Joe, when yu had the crazies yesterdae."

Morgashi left them to their icky task and went to listen to the petty offislers whu was lookin at a map.

"No doubt about it. When those dread pirates come after us, we is goin to whup their butts."

"George, does we have a shnauzer on our crew?"

Morgashi sneaked off the ship before anybody else cud notice him.

Chaptr Aigt

In the days leadin up to the Great King’s Birthday Cocoa Convoy Armada, Port Royale was a very egsitin place to be wift all the cargo ships and the navy ships spiffing themselves up fer the trip. It was the peeples spiffing the ships, I mean, cuz ships not gots the posable thumz necessary fer spiffing properly.

Meanwhile, just off the south coast of Cuba, Captain Morgashi’s ship, Scarlet Panthr, was also getting itself spiffed. The feller wift the spectacles was runnin aroun yelling at folks, Jack O’Bowsprit was checkin thins orf a list on a soggy clipboard wift a green pencil in his mouft. Captain Morgashi was carefully lickin his shiny black fur, cuz it do no gud to have a spiffy ship if yer captain ain’t equally spiffy.

As they spat an shined and generally spiffified, the crew sang sea chanties. Admittedly, they hads to change some of the words so that they ended properly, cuz lotsa those sea chanties wus writed by the Navy guys, whu doesn’t have a sense of narrative irony.

"Aloft there, aloft there,"
  Our jolly bosun cried.
"Look ahead, look astern,
  Look to weather an' a-lee."

"There's naught upon the stern, sir.
  There's naught upon our lee.
But there's a lofty ship to wind'ard
  An' she's sailin' fast and free."

"Oh hail her, oh hail her,"
  Our gallant captain cried.
"Are you a man-o-war
  Or a privateer?" cried he.

"Oh, I'm not a man-o-war
  Nor privateer," said he.
"But I am salt sea pirate
  All a-looking for me fee."

"Oh get her, oh get her!"
  Those pirates they did cry
And the pirates they did get them
  And they sank 'em in the sea!

Chaptr Fyve

Captain Morgashi made his way from the poop deck, where his litter box was, to the quarter deck, where the little man wift spectacles was steerin the ship. Morgashi relied on him completely fer evrythin from plottin their journiez on the map to cleenin out his litterbox (on account of his havin posable thumz), but he cud nevr remember the man’s name, so he hedged.

“Ahoy, sailor! What news?”

“Smooth sailin since the rain let up, sar. Also, Jack O’Bowsprit said to tell yu that he’d be back soon, rigt aftr the bank meetin, where he will have been spyin up a storm among his betters, sar.”

“Oh yes, that is gud news, er, Bo’sun. Send him to my cabin as soon as he gets here.”

In his cabin, Morgashi curled up and tukt a nap while he was waitin. Ten minits latr, Jack O’Bowsprit knocked on the dor an caym in. Bein a person of the Beagle persuasion, he licked Morgashi’s face befor he cud give his report. Morgashi was not too happy about this, but because Jack had a eagle-eye nose an very strong skills in linear thinkin, Morgashi dint say nothing about it.

“Report, sailor,” he said an wiped orf his face with his Garfield hankerchif.

Jack said, “Well, Captain, them bank folks is planning a trap fer us. The King’s birftdae is comin up an the viceroy plans to ship lotsa cocoa back to England fer the celebration. But the Royal Navy is goin to accompany them cargo ships so we can’t get at them.”

“Hmm,” said Morgashi thortfully. “We could take this a few different ways. First, if we kin mayk the Navy think we gots an armada of pirate ships, they wud send lots and lots of Navy ships wift the cocoa, leavin the islands underprotected. That cud be a opportunity. Second, we cud get one of our spies on one of them ships to detect—“

Jack barked, “Don’t look at me, sar!”

“Well, third, then. We cud alert our contacts in London. Once the Royal Navy has escorted the ships over the waters, they are problee not gonna be too interested in the cocoa on land, in the port warehouses. We cud do a spot of pilfering there, I expect.”

“Captain, you is just full of innerestin idears!”

“Yep,” said the captain, carefully lickin a paw. “I am at that

Chaptr Forr

In the boardroom of the Royal Bank, lotsa importint peeples sat around a really long table. Commissioner Leticia Gordon had given up her chair at the end of the table to the viceroy, who was in a foul mood.

"Those darn pirates!" he yelled. "They keep stoppin our ships and stealin our gold an it has all just got out of hand! What are you peeples doin about this?"

The island's cheif of police yawned. "If you can't keep our gold safe in yer bank, then what do you expect us to do about it?"

Gordon frowned. "I say, that is unfair. If it wasn't fer his Vice Regalness here, we wudln't have had that party in the first place and ther wudn't have been a distracshun for them to use."

Hay-on-Bloominton stood up and looked out the window. Everywhere he looked there were stoopid palm trees. He hated palm trees. He wanted to go back to England, where peeple were civilized. But the king said GO and he went. "Very well. If the police can't keep our gold safe, it's time to bring in the navy. The king's birthday is coming up and the Royal Quartermister has ordered a three shiploads of cocoa for the occasion. Between Blackbeard, Sparrow and Morgashi, you just noes that them pirates are goin to attack those ships. So we are goin to make a caravan of the merchant ships an navy ships to protect them."

Gordon said, "An who is goin to pay them? The gold Morgashi stole was sposed to be the pay for the ships currently posted here."

"That," said the viceroy wift an evil grin, "is your problem. I suggest you has a bake sale."

Chaptr Three

-->

It rained all day. At the Royal Bank, everbody was in a foul mood, an nobody was in the mood fer a party, but the Viceroy and the Commissioner would be arrivin any moment now, an so the bank clerks blew up the bloons an put out the fuds on the big tabulz. George, the head clerk, grumbled to himself, but then he cheered up, when he realized that there was gonna be jumbo shrimp cocktails, which was his favrit.

At fiv o'clock on the dot, three peeples walked in: Viceroy Hay-on-Bloominton, Commissioner Gordon, and a jaunty feller wift a long red coat and big boots.

The viceroy said, "So Captain Morgashi, how goes the war on coconuts?"

"It's not easy," said Morgashi, pulling some sashimi-on-a-stick out of the cantalope. "Every time we shuts down a coconut dealer, two mor come and take his place. An they are cuttin the coconut wift all kindsa crazy stuffs like sugar an salt an eevn turnip shavins if yu kin beleeve it."

The small talk continued as a small band gathered in the lobby an began playin square dance music, because somebody had hired the wrong fiddler.

Captain Morgashi turned to Commissioner Gordon and said, "Care to dance?"

Then, while the commissioner was swishin her skirt an the captain was do-si-doing, in the background where nobody wud notice them, a little man wift spectacles sneaked in wift a ragtag band of brothers in scratchy suits, all incognito, an they slipped into the back room where the safe was.

"Turn up the music!" yelled the captain, an the band played as hard as they cud. "Napoleon's Retreat" never sounded so gud. If there was in the background the sound like a small exploshun,  peoples just figgered that it was sound effects.

The party ended just aftr midnight, an at first nobody noticed the complete lack of chili sauce, or, fer that matter, gold.

Chaptr Too

Meanwhile, out on the horizon, a storm was brewing. The sky was the color of very bad corfee, brown with swishes of milky clouds, and the sea was grey.  The pirates returned to their ship, carryin all the fishes an the iceboxes, an singin pirate songs. Up on the foredeck, Captain Morgashi was pacing back and forth tryin to decide who to rob next. They had food for at least a week but they needed gold, because nobody take you seriously as a pirate unless you gots lotsa gold.

"Pirate Roberts," sed the Captain. "When was the lastest time we robbed the bank ship from Lundun?"

"Dunno, Captain. Seems like it's been a while."

The little pirate with the spectacles an the clipboard said, "Captain, some of the men are asksin if we cud maybe rob somebody of their chili sauce to go with the fish."

"Chili sauce?" roared the Captain. "What'll people think of us if we run aroun robbin people of their condiminiments? Gold! That's what real pirates steal!"

Down on the main deck there were ominuss murmurs from the men. The captain had to think fast. A storm was a bad time to hafta be worryin about a possibul mutiny. A small lightbulb appeared above his head.

"Aha!" he shouted. "I have just the idear!"

Chaptr Wun

It was a bright an peaceful day in a small city in the middle of the Carrybean Sea. In the open markit, peoples was buyin fish fer dinner an talkin about how the weathr was much worser last year. Ther was eevn som peoples singin "tralala" which just goes to show that peoples don't know very much about omenz.

Suddenly a shot rang out. Everbody screamed. Ther on the top of the city walls, was a bandit. Yu could tell cuz he was wearin a mask, an most honest folks don't wear masks cept at Halloween, which is in October, and this was May.

"A bandit!" they yelled.

"I'll have all your fish!" he shouted below, putting his blunderbuss away and pulling out his shiny sword. He swished it in the air, leaving a faintly shiny R in the morning dew.

"Not our fish? What do you want with our fish?"

"It is very fresh, is it not? That is best for travellin when you don't has referidgitatayshun."

The fish monger looked suprized. "I don't have refredigit--what you said. All I has is this ice box."

"An ice box? What ho!  Then I shall has that too!"

And suddenly there was all these pirate-looking types, incloodin one wift spectacles an a clipboard an a littul pencil. He tookd charge and before you knoes it, all the fish an ice boxes was gone!

My Success So Far

Musashi Sez:

Wull, it turn out that all this Noo Yeer stuff require lots an lots of practis. Fer example, I has been sayin Pleez verree well, when I wants Mom to wayk up or to feeds me or to plae wift me an that Crazy Red Dot!!! Thankyu is harder. I mean, I can do it when mom gets up an I can do it when she gives me a bellee rub. But the feedin one is hard cuz in between the Th and the Q is lots of om-nom-noms. Mom says I are a work in practis. Or possibly progress. I fergits.

Meanwhile I has been tryin to figger out how to be frends again wift Mister Tygr, whu so disrpointed me when we wuz havin our ninja vs. steampunk argyoomint. Finally, he pointed out that the real argyoomint was akshullee ninjas vs. pirates, and that in fact BOFT ninjas AN pirates cud be steampunk if they wanted to be. So we cud play steampunk ninjas one day an then steampunk airship pirates the next. This brillyunt discovery has made my days much less lonlee and also mutch more egsytin!!!

Christmas Playin

Musashi Sez:

Well, wift most of the partmint to ourselfs todae, Mister Tyger an me has ben playin! We chased each other unner the table and chayrs fer a whil, til we got dizzy. Then we tried to do one of Mom's Cross Word Puzzuls. We gottid "a rat" first, an then "eggsanham"an then "tulipinthevalee" an we thort we had "ottrman" but it didn't fit. So we gived up an looked fer our Christmas prezents from Mom unner the bookcase, but mai arms aren't long enugf an Mister Tygers' are eevn shorterer, so we didn't find any.

Then we played pirate unner the coutch fer a while and shiverd some timbers an sang songs an danced around and took turns sending each othr to walk the plank (cuz taking turns is polite). But then we gottid tired so we took a nap on mai pink rug.

I'm thinkin that aftr we gets up from our nap I will find one of Mom's cookin books an we can learn to make pie. I will make one of them "shells" an dump mai toonr in it an wrap it up and cook it. I'm not shur if the microwaviater will work or whethr we will have to get Anna to help us, cuz we're not allowed to yooz the stove an I can't reach the toaster ovven on top of the erfidgiator.

It should be a gud time!

Pirates vs. BBQ: Which Wud Yu Choose?

Musashi Sez:

Well, on Saturday, Mom went to a Solstice barbecue party, cuz Cousin Rachel invited her. I got to play in her closet while she was gone. That may not sound like much fun to yu, but Mom’s closet has got pirates!

So ther I was, sailin across the Specific Ocean, la la la, an then I saw it: the skull an crossbones flag comin rigt at us (wift a ship attached, of course). I looked around to see what they were after. We not has gold an we not has amenit amyoohish bullets, so what were they lookin fer? Then I let mai nose do the walking!

Ha! We has got som veree innerstin smellin socks! (This is what happens when you go sailin off in the laundry basket.) Wull, I wasn’t goin to let them pirates get the booty! If they wanted them socks, they was goin to have to figt fer them.

Luckily, Mom’s closet is well stocked. She not onlee gots socks, she also got a marshul art sword! (But it has not the livelee blade. It just wood. I think this is cuz them Chinese folks not like hurtin each other.)

Just as them pirates were throwing their grappling hooks onto the side of the laundry basket, I picked up the sword, an I nearly tipped rigt over, on account of how it was biggerer than me and I not has thos opposable thumz.

The Blog Aftr the Lastest Wun Is the Firstst

Mom Says:

Now we join Captain Musashi in the winter of his discontent, or at least the winter of his inability to concentrate, as he steers closer to the fake Greanpeace ship, wift—er, I mean, with—Haidee readying the cannons, packing them with gunpowder as Josh sticks the “verree speshul” ammunition in and rams it home with the ramrod. Then the two struggle to swivel the cannons back to bear on the enemy vessel. From there, Haidee can fire them herself. Josh goes above.

Musashi Sez:

Ther I am at the wheel, watchin as we gits closerer to the…pirate ship. I shouts to Josh, “Avast, matey, hoist the mainsaylz!”

“Hoist the mainslz, aye, aye!’

“Brace the yardslz!”

“Brace the yardslz, aye, aye!”

“Steady… steady…” I watch Onkul—I meens, First Mayt Josh scramblin up an down the masts an fussin wift all the rops and maykin the big whit saylz go WHOOMP! wift wind! A sigt that will keep me at sea fer dayz an dayz!

“Hoist the garagesaylz!” I calls out grandlee.

“Hoist the—whot? Cap’n, we ain’t got no garagesaylz!”

“Oop. Belay that, Mayt. Gettin carried awae agen. Perpayr fer boarding collies, or possibul som big egsplozhunz.”

“Er, aye, aye, Cap’n.”

(Then I wentid ovr in mai hed the ordrz I had givd to Haydee fer jus about this momint: Don’t fir until yu seez the whit in their eyz! Sound gud, no? But she sez, “Cap’n, I won’t be seein their eyz from below deks.”

“Oh, uh, yus, of cors. Wull, kin yu smell their breft?”

“Onlee if it’s reellee, reellee bad.”

“Huh. Wull, Haydee, yu got that fansee degree from Oxferd Yooniversitee. I figgr yu’ll noe when’s gud to fir. Um. Fir at will, Qwartrmastr!”

“Aye, Cap’n.”)

“Steady…Here we go, mayts!”

Fire spurtid out of their hull an jus missd us. I tookd a big breft. One-missississippi, BOOM; Two-Missippi, BOOM; Three-Mispi-ispi, BOOM! (Huh!) Montana, BOOM!”

An ther they wer, sprayin up into them pirates’ riggin an either getting stuck ther or fallin down to the ravening jawz of them colleez. Togethr, Me an Josh yelld, “Look: SQWIRRLZ!”

Abord the emenee ship wuz chaos, doggeez chaysin the grey sock puppits we’d mayd, sowin on silvr tinsel taylz, an yoozin them instead of thoz bowlin ballz, which wud hav jus sinkd the ship—an then how we gets the pirate trezhur?

(See captinz gots to thingk of thins lik this…Is verree responsibobbul job.)

Anneewae, by now, Captin Morgin wuz clingin to his maynmast, waving his big whit lacee hankee in surrendr, whil one crayzd collee wuz chewin on his boot from belo.

MOREL OF THE STOREE: Eevn soopr-smartypants doggeez got their Achilleez noezez.

We Has Seen The Emeny!

Mom Says:

Musashi, was that a pun in that last blog entry?

Musashi Sez:

Hnrf, hnrf, hnrf! Yus, I maydz a funnee!

Mom Says:

Right...Okay, mateys, listen up! Our intrepid crew of the Good Ship Partmint are coming around to bear on a possible enemy ship. The First Mate is in the crow's nest with the telescope, sussing out the vessel's complement. When he climbs down, the news isn't good.

Musashi Sez:

I cud see immediatlee, the nooz wuzn't gud.

"Cap'n, they'r all wearin funnee hats an ey-patchiz."

"Um...that cud be a fashin staytmint! An injooriez sustaynd in the lin of dootee figtin eevil whalrz!"

"An they'r carryin weppinz!"

I lookd throogh the scop. "Oh, wull, scimitarz..."

Qwartrmastr Haydee cut in, "Them's cutlasses, Cap'n. An Greenpeas isn't noen to yooz cutlasses."

"They as skulls an crossbonz on 'em," sez Josh halpfullee.

I lookd agen to figgr out whut the big flash of red wuz. It wuz...Captin Morgin, lookin typikul arrogint, wift his foot on a keg. Huh. I NOT liks him.

"All rigt, mateys," sez I, "it's Morgin lookin fer advertyzin baybz, jus lik yu sed. Haydee, yu goez below an put them bowlin ballz in thoz big blak things."

"Cannonz?"

"Yus! Meenwhil--"

"Cap'n?" sez Josh.

"Whut now?"

"Cap'n, they gots a team readyin grapplin hooks...and Cap'n?"

"Yus?"

"The team is mayd of Boardin Collies, soopr-smartypants doggeez shu has been traynd to thro grapplin hooks to the next ship an run across the rops an, um, rip out our--I mean, their emeneez'--throgts."

"Hmm," I sez. "Wull, that OK. I gots a brillyunt ideer. Here's mai Sekrit Plan..."

Talkin Lik Pirates, Arrr!

Mom Says:

Be it known that the nineteenth day of September in the year of Ceiling Cat 2009 is (apparently) Talk Like a Pirate Day. And if you don’t believe me, Google it. So there. And also, “Arrr!”

Musashi Sez:

O hai. I has desydid to tayk a dae off from bein all kind an jentul, cuz it’s lotsa werk. Conveenyintlee, Septemberer 19 is this yeer’z Talkin Lik Pirates Day, so I kin spend mai dae off bein reelee feers, but nobodee goin to notis, cuz evrbodee els will be actin feers, too. So is sorta lik not bein feers at all. This calld relativitlee, or somthin.

So how does yu talks like pirates? That eezee. Jus ay, “Arrrr!” Doggees is natchrul pirates, cuz they sez, “ARRR!” all the tim. Us kittee peeples mostlee sez, “Errrrr.” But I spekt it's larjlee a mattr of praktis.

Also, if yu wants som resorsis fer yer pirates dae, yu kin look at the main website fer the day, http://www.talklikeapirate.com, wher ther lotsa stuff about the robbr barins of the seez. Mai fayvrotist one is Pirate Laws at http://www.piratelaws.com. Mai fayvortist laws is 49 about meat, 61 about not cleenin up, an 13 about talkin about othr pirates soft hands. I wud lik to add an addendum to 13: “No pirates or his mom is allowd to sez how kyoot his paws ar. Evr.”

Yu heer that, Mom?

Mom Says:

Aye, Matey, I heers. I’ll make ye an offer: a 24-hour moratorium on comments on yer paws. Can’t ask fairer nor that, eh?

Musashi Sez:

Um, whut’s moratory-m?

Mom Says:

Arrr. It means that if I slip up, yu can kill me something mortal. But: you will have to find your own food and clean up your own litterbox, thus breaking laws 49 and 61. Arrr. And also, Avast!

Musashi Sez:

Huh. Yu gots to admyr sombodee whu reelee gets into the speerit of the thin…

Blankits an Pirates

Musashi sez:

OK, I’m bak an owt of breft cuz I ran! all the way to the kapyuter wher mom wuz typin. So now I sit on the windo sill an tell her whut to spell.

I tell yu abowt PIRATES, whu wuz meen guys on ships, dozins an dozins of yeers ago when hoomin peeples wor big hats an curvee swords calld CUTLASSES. Pirates stole eetch othr’s ships an silver an gold an bloomers. Then they hid all the treazhur in caves on dessert ilands. That’s an iland far away from evrythin, wher yu kin get funnee drinks wift froot an littul umbrellers in them.

So yu probable sayin to yerself, “Why is Musashi telling me this? Ther ar no pirates in mai neyborhood.”

Huh. Yu got to be trustin me.

I tell yu this so yu kin get unner the blankits in the mornin on thos daes when yer mom or dad isn’t gettin up fer work. Yu get in ther wher it’s dark an yu kin pertend to be a pirate like Long Jon Silver or Kaptin Morgan or Jak Sparrow (he wuzn’t reelly a burd, he wuz actor). Yu kin pertend that yu jus stol all thos gold an bloomers from the ship nex door wift all the doggees on it, and yu mayd them walk on the plank an go splash! into the oshun an hav to doggee-paddul all the way hom. Then yu tayks yer treazhur (an it kin be pertend treazhur or yu kin bring a mousee fer that) an yu burrees it behind yer mom’s nees. Then yu kin go get anuthr mousee to burree or yu kin com bak wift a map wift a X on it an yu kin dig up mousee an tak him away.

Mebbe somtim I tell yu whut to do fer fun aftr yer mom or dad has chuckd yu owt of the bedroom an shut door.