This Whol Christmas Eev Thin

Musashi Sez:

Well, this is the seazon when Mom go orf to her spa retreet in the south, way down in Connedikut, which is not quite so far as Texus, but very posh. She eats all sorts of stuff, INCLOODIN PIE, (huh, she nevr mayk ME pie), an I stay hom here an meditayte on the meening of the Solstice, an whut kindsa stuffs Ceilin Cat wud like me to do next yeer, lik taykin over the werld, lernin to ride a ponee and losin a pound, whatevr that is. Also, writin my memwars, which I think meens a essay about how I praktices figtin an wrasslin wift Mister Tyger so I can take on burglergs in cays they evr trai to steal mom's books an my mousies.

An as me an Mister Tyger watch the snow comin gently down on the neigbers' cars an hear their melodic groans an the scrape of their big snow spoons, I think about new starts, the big shiny present of the turnin yeer. (This, Mom claims, is why we dance in circuls on Solstice.)

So sins I noe that lotsa yu Gentle Reeder folks foller that Baby Jesus kitty who got borned recently 200 yeerz ago, or maybe 2000, but tomorrer--

ANYWAY, what I meen to say is Merry Solstice, an Happy Christmas an Joyous Boxing Day from me an Mister Tyger, an problee Mom too.

Hay, Weddin Stress! Bite Me!

Musashi sez:

As yu noe, mai Ont Meredift is workin verree hard on planning her weddin. Yu kin reed about it on her blog, helpmakecents. Mai mom sez Ont Meredift is havin lotsa stress, an that’s cauzin problims.

I asks: “What this stress thin?”

Mom sez: “Is wen lotsa stuff happnin all at the saym tim.”

I sez: “But yu do that all the tim.”

So she sez: “Yah, but it’s wors wift weddins. Is mor lik wen yu gets the crayzees, onlee runnin verree fast evreewher don’t halp, so yu starts tacklin peeple’s legs an chewin on arms.”

“Oh,” I sez, cuz I was hopin she hadn’t notissd.

But is OK, cuz we noes how to handul what mom callz the Uber-Crayzees. (It seem lik uber is the Germin werd fer wikkid, like “wikkid smartypants.” Yu kin alwaes tell wen mom ben talking to Mykul, whu teetch her Germin werds.)

This is wher we bring in the Bite-Meez. I lern about this from mai Onkul MeToo an mai Ont Jenna, whu alwaes WRESTLED wift a Bite-Meez doggee when they livd wift mai mom. (Mai granpa callz it “rasslin.”) See, mai Onkul MeToo is Uber-Crayzee almos all the tim, egsep wen he is sleepin on a lap. (I don’t sleep on laps. Yu see what it kin leed to?) I gots a Bite-Meez guy too, only mine’s a Tiger. He is verree feers, as yu kin tell. He try to chew on mai tummee or mai toez, an I holds him off wift mai feets whyl I grabs his hed an chew on his eers.

Is hard work, but I feels mutch betterer afterwards. Mom callz that CATHARSIS, that is parentlee a old Greek werd fer “chewin on somboddee’s eers.” (She didn’t say so, but I’m getting gud at figgerin out werds from CONTEXT.)

So aneewae, mai perscripshun fer Ont Meredift is she got to be getting a Bite-Meez to rassul wift.

Mom sez:

She has one. She lives with Uncle Me, Too.

Musashi Sez:

I noe that. Huh. So she kin borro Onkul MeToo’s doggee, an mebbe he kin teetch her som cool triks how to chew eers reellee gud. Then instead of bein all stressd, she kin be feers lik mom’s hero, Buffy, whu bashiz vampirez (Mom sez they’r lik rabid doggees, egsept they don’t dress as gud.)

An I givs them all 2 starz: Bite-Meez, Buffy, an Ont Meredift.