Figtin the Lastest Pirate!

Musashi Sez:

So we has been figtin evree day. Finally, there came the lastest pirate. He was smaller than the others an his coat was blue instead of red, so I figgered that he must be the captain. He had a sword just egzactkee lik mine.

I asksed him, “What’s yer naym, fierce pirate?”

“Ha ha!” he laugfed. “Crunch!

"Crunch?" sez I. "What kinda naym is that?"

“It’s mai naym, yu land-lover!”

“Whu yu callin a land-lover? I am Captain Musashi, an I am just as salty as the next sailor.”

“Musashi?” he sneered. “Whut kinda naym is that?”

“Ha ha!” I laugfed. “It the naym of Japan’s greatest swordsman! Have at yu!”

Then came the big swordfigt.

Me: Clack! Clatter! Ha ha!

Him: Clatter! Clack! Ho ho!

Me: Clacketty clacketty! Ha!

Him: : Clicketty clicketty! Ho!

So threre we was, balancing on the big crossbar at the top of the mast, smacking our wooden swords against each other. Then wift another “oh ho!” he swept his sword low at mai knees.

Back in the Closet Again

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I has to admit to having gotten distractulaytid. See, Mom came home on Saturday aftr her big ol’ partee, an I had to com out of the closet to eat mai supper an take a nap an play wift the red dot an go to bed. An then Sunday was mai day of rest. I takes this verree seriously, sometimes havin three or four days of rest every week.

But then Monday was like ninety-thousand degrees an Mom wudn’t let me play in Katia’s room because it faces the hot part of the planet, but she lettid me play in her closet again, wher it is cooler, an also, of course, there are those fun socks.

Before I left, I asksed her, “Kin I play wift yer tai chi sword?”

An she sed, “Why wud yu want to do that?”

An I sed, “Um. Well, see, I has been thinking about takin up the tai chi. Um. Cuz I jumps up an down a lot an I think mai chi energy has gotten all jumbled, an I figgers, doin tai chi will unjumblify it.”

An she sed, “Huh. Wull, that make sense.”

We Now Return You To Our Pirate Story

There I was on mai laundry basket ship on the Specific Ocean, when there came a pirate ship. I picked up the sword to defend us.

First came this big guy in a red jacket. He puttid one big booted foot on the edge of the basket, and I hit him—WHACK!—RIT ON HIS KNEE, AND HE WENT RIGT OVER—splash!

Then came a smaller guy (although he was wearing similar clothes, so I figgered it was a uneeform or something). He grabbed the edge of the basket with a hand on a funnee-lookin hook thing. I took the sword an I hit boft his elbows—SMACK! SMACK!—jus like that. He howled! An then I poked him—POKE!—rigt in the tummy. An he fell into the Specific Ocean rigt next to the big guy.

SPLASH!

“Hey,” yelled the big guy. “I’m tryin to swim here!”

“Gud!” says I, “Because it looks lik yer frend needs some halp.”

Pirates vs. BBQ: Which Wud Yu Choose?

Musashi Sez:

Well, on Saturday, Mom went to a Solstice barbecue party, cuz Cousin Rachel invited her. I got to play in her closet while she was gone. That may not sound like much fun to yu, but Mom’s closet has got pirates!

So ther I was, sailin across the Specific Ocean, la la la, an then I saw it: the skull an crossbones flag comin rigt at us (wift a ship attached, of course). I looked around to see what they were after. We not has gold an we not has amenit amyoohish bullets, so what were they lookin fer? Then I let mai nose do the walking!

Ha! We has got som veree innerstin smellin socks! (This is what happens when you go sailin off in the laundry basket.) Wull, I wasn’t goin to let them pirates get the booty! If they wanted them socks, they was goin to have to figt fer them.

Luckily, Mom’s closet is well stocked. She not onlee gots socks, she also got a marshul art sword! (But it has not the livelee blade. It just wood. I think this is cuz them Chinese folks not like hurtin each other.)

Just as them pirates were throwing their grappling hooks onto the side of the laundry basket, I picked up the sword, an I nearly tipped rigt over, on account of how it was biggerer than me and I not has thos opposable thumz.

Summer Soulstice

Musashi Sez:

So Mom sez tomorrer is when the day an nigt are the same length, an that this is called the soulstice, probabul because all our soulz get fixed, kinda like how they fixes time in Grenitch, England, or how they decides how much a pound is.

This is uzhoolee the time when Mom pick me up an we dance in a circle, singin, “It ar the soulstice! Hoorah hooray! It ar the soulstice! Mayke it all stay!” An although it never akshullee stay, still it kinda linger, so the days stay kinda long, an there is that  pertee yeller light in the livin room, so Mom gets more writin done.

Mos recentlee, she has been writing about writing, which she refer to as “meta,” which apparently is Greek fer “being about the aboutness.” That all sound like whut she has at othr timz called “circular reeezonin,” which is when snaykes eat their own heads or ideers lik that.

So naturallee, I sez, “Circularilitee? Tricycles do that! An also they helps yu looz weight, just lik yu wud do on a dye-it!

(An tho I admit I got this lastest ideer from mai frend Pamlr, I still think it gots feets. Or possibul wheelz. Huh.)

The Uses of Casseroll

Musashi Sez:

So tonight fer dinner, Mom made a casseroll, wift pastr, tomatoes an onions an like that. I watched her verree carefully as she cutted them up, so I kin learn how to cook. I am not shur why I wud want to cook the stuff she does, cuz it is mostlee ickee, but yu never noe.

And also she has puttid me on a “Dye-It,” which I thogtid wud mean that I wuz goin to get mai hair turned purple, wift maybee a Mohawk, but akshully it turn out to meen that I eet smaller meals more often rather than the othr way around. Huh. She is doin it too, but I don’t see her getting anee smallerer.

But! I hads a mind-blowin ideer. I seds to mai Mom, I seds to her, “Hey, Mom! I noe something else that rolls, jus like yer caseroll. It is a tricycle!!!”

This aprently did not help mai case. Sigh…

Pondering Father's Day

Musashi Sez:

So yesterdae, Mom was singin an dancing in the kitchen, like “Yu Mayks Me Feel like Dancin” or lik “It’s Rainin Men!!!” (an that lastest one is kinda straynge, cuz I not ever see mens bein rained on the sidewalk, anee more than I has seen it rainin cats an dogs).

But this dansin thing is verree odd. Mom sez she got her ninja dans skills from her dad, whu is so gud, he kin slide a invisible top hat from one arm to the other!!! Mom can’t do that, although she kin do some impressive stuffs wift a canvas fedora, which are a kind of hat, moslee worn by cool peeples, lik spies.

Anywho, I askesed mom, “So now that this have come up, I hasta asks yu: whu do I wish a happee father’s dae? Cuz I has not stricktly speeking gots a father. I has gots a AWESOME granpa who is a souftpaw like me. I also gots a onkul whu is the dad of mai former roommate, mai cozzin Rachel, an apparently also mai cozzin Becka, although she is from a diffrint litter. An then there is mai Onkul Josh whu taykes care of me when Mom has to travel, an he has 2 daugters whu are cats like me.

So this Father Holrdae thing is a mistree to me. But if I hads a pocket fer monee, an if I hads monee in mai hyperthetical pocket, I wud totallee buy all of yu guyz Happy Father’s Day Cards.

Huh.

Mai Noo Plan!!!

Musashi Sez:

Wull, as yu all noe, Mom is refyoozing to get me a ponee becuz of all the hay an poop an whut all those hooves wud do to the wood floors and whut the landlord wud say. I’m not convinsed, maiself, but I has come up wift a noo plan.

See, she just got this noo book, Walking Your Octopus: A Guidebook to the Domesticated Cephalopod. At first I was thinking that she had decided to get us a pet, but then I realize that it is just a silly story, cuz octopuses don’t live outside of the ocean an also the lady’s hair is green. Mom likes it because it has funnee pictures of the octopus an the lady reading books an playing polo an ice skating, But I finded a picture that gave me a ideer.

On the page that says, “Exercise is important for one’s pet,” there is a picture of the octopus on a tricycle. He has goggles and a horn fer makin noise wift. It looks like all kindsa fun!!!

So now I hafta figure out how to convinse Mom to get me a tricycle!!!

Persunul Hyjeanz

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I have got the dillimmer: Mai mom has got the whol Hoomin Peeples Cleen Thing goin on—yu noes, the soep and hot watter, an more soep an more hot watter?—but she no got the Kittee Cleen Thing happnin.

I has been focusin verree hard on her fer lik years an years! But I still has not seen her lick her knees or chew on her toes. An whut kinda roll model do she espect to be if she not chew on her toes adequately?