Mai Writer Blok Has Winned

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Musashi Sez:

So, I has finally given up on my pirate storee, cuz not onlee has I not gots a middul, I not even gots a ending, which mai mom ALWAYS has when she givs up on her novels. I has EMBRACED my writer blok in a Tru Feline Way (TFW), which is to say that I has scratched it to deaft. I will eventchooly return to writin NotFiction, after I has done enugf of that swoonin and swearin and genrally bein unlovable that writer-types do aftr their novels fail.

Then, I will get bak to that whol, just opinionatering thing that I was doin so well when I was jes a kitten what did not know what was not possibul.

Chaptr Ten

Captain Morgashi paced the deck of his ship, The Scarlet Panther. He was in a troubled mood. All the plans were in place both here and back in Lundun, but he wasn’t feeling gud about either of them. Somthin was sure to go wrong. He had sent the men out to make a big noise in town, or rather, several big noises. They had kazoos and everthing.

Then the captain put on his schnauzer disguise and sneaked on board one of the big Navy ships to listen in sekret to the sailors talking as they swabbed the deck.

"I can't beleev that Commodore St. Wiffinton is makin us wash the deck wift water," says one.

"Wull, you did climb up that sail wift yer claws, Joe, when yu had the crazies yesterdae."

Morgashi left them to their icky task and went to listen to the petty offislers whu was lookin at a map.

"No doubt about it. When those dread pirates come after us, we is goin to whup their butts."

"George, does we have a shnauzer on our crew?"

Morgashi sneaked off the ship before anybody else cud notice him.

Chaptr Nyn

Meanwhil, bak in England, the king was getting cranky. He knew that his birftdae party was gonna be expensive, especially cuz of all that fansee importid cocoa, but he had expected his tax gathererers to be more efficient in gatherin the taxes. So he thort and thort about it an finally he asksed his Exchequer (who is the guy who writ the king's cheques) fer som advices.

The Exchequer recommended sendin out privateers to steel money from the French boats, an account of France not bein friends wift the English at taht time. The king was perty happy wift this idear, so he gave the order and then went back to playing checkers wift himself (which he did mainly becaus that was the only way he could be shur to win).

Chaptr Aigt

In the days leadin up to the Great King’s Birthday Cocoa Convoy Armada, Port Royale was a very egsitin place to be wift all the cargo ships and the navy ships spiffing themselves up fer the trip. It was the peeples spiffing the ships, I mean, cuz ships not gots the posable thumz necessary fer spiffing properly.

Meanwhile, just off the south coast of Cuba, Captain Morgashi’s ship, Scarlet Panthr, was also getting itself spiffed. The feller wift the spectacles was runnin aroun yelling at folks, Jack O’Bowsprit was checkin thins orf a list on a soggy clipboard wift a green pencil in his mouft. Captain Morgashi was carefully lickin his shiny black fur, cuz it do no gud to have a spiffy ship if yer captain ain’t equally spiffy.

As they spat an shined and generally spiffified, the crew sang sea chanties. Admittedly, they hads to change some of the words so that they ended properly, cuz lotsa those sea chanties wus writed by the Navy guys, whu doesn’t have a sense of narrative irony.

"Aloft there, aloft there,"
  Our jolly bosun cried.
"Look ahead, look astern,
  Look to weather an' a-lee."

"There's naught upon the stern, sir.
  There's naught upon our lee.
But there's a lofty ship to wind'ard
  An' she's sailin' fast and free."

"Oh hail her, oh hail her,"
  Our gallant captain cried.
"Are you a man-o-war
  Or a privateer?" cried he.

"Oh, I'm not a man-o-war
  Nor privateer," said he.
"But I am salt sea pirate
  All a-looking for me fee."

"Oh get her, oh get her!"
  Those pirates they did cry
And the pirates they did get them
  And they sank 'em in the sea!

Chaptr Sevun

North of Kingston, Sir Edmund St. Vincent-Harewood-Osprey, Esq. ambled through his cocoa groves with the viceroy who, bein a much youngerer man, was feelin very impatient.

“Sir Edmund,” he said, “I feel you are not takin the seriousness of this situation, well, er, seriously.”

“Son, I’ve seen cocoa come an cocoa go. It will outlast all the pirates, you mark my words.”

“But this isn’t just any pirate. It’s not like we’re talkin about Red Beard or Captain John Partridge. This is Morgashi that I have to handle!”

“Weeell, yes, he’s a caution, an no mistake. But I have been readin the reports, boft in the newspapers an the letters from my opposites in London, an everbody says his crew is naught but a rag tag: cats, dogs, hoomin peeples, a old circus tiger and the like. Whut we have in the Royal Navy is 100% men, and British subjects at that. How can we possibly lose?”

The viceroy sighed. He had dealt with such narrowly educated men before. He said carefully, “Sir Edmund, have you ever lived with a house cat or a dog? Or, for example, attended a circus?”

“What? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Horses, that’s the ticket!”

“Yes,” said the viceroy. “That’s what I thought.”

Sir Edmund gave him a hearty slap on the back, as such men do, and left him to ride gloomily back toward Kingston.

Chaptr Sixx

The weekend was busy fer everboddy whu worked at the Royal Bank. All the janitors, tellers, clerks an manager types were working overtime from hom. The janitors baked jelly rolls. The tellers layered trifles full of creem. The clerks made eclairs and the managers made muffins. The analysts filled pies and the commissioner baked cakes. Monday morning rolled around to find a whole lotta peeples feelin eevn less happy than usual to be comin into work, cuz not only was they all egzausted, but they all felts all sortsa guilty fer fallin orf their diets.

An on top of their work wift the jelly rolls, the janitors had to put up the big red an yeller tents outside the bank on account of it migt start rainin again, an nobody wants soggy eclairs. The clerks had to make the signs wift their rulers an magic markers, an the analystises had to figger out what prices to charg fer all the different things. Then the tellers had to sits behind the foldin tables an actually sell peeples the fuds.

It was a verree long dae. If, in the midst of the bustle, any of them bank folks noticed a little man in spectacles taking notes (an buyin a half a dozen eclairs), they didn’t see any signifificance of it.

In the end, the consensus tally of the money was $1294.62 +/- 11.37, which was still not enougf to pay fer three whole ships wift actual orficers, but Commissioner Gordon was pretty shure she could get the Viceroy to pitch in to pay for the orficers hisself. After all, the whole convoy thing had been his idear in the firstest place.

Chaptr Fyve

Captain Morgashi made his way from the poop deck, where his litter box was, to the quarter deck, where the little man wift spectacles was steerin the ship. Morgashi relied on him completely fer evrythin from plottin their journiez on the map to cleenin out his litterbox (on account of his havin posable thumz), but he cud nevr remember the man’s name, so he hedged.

“Ahoy, sailor! What news?”

“Smooth sailin since the rain let up, sar. Also, Jack O’Bowsprit said to tell yu that he’d be back soon, rigt aftr the bank meetin, where he will have been spyin up a storm among his betters, sar.”

“Oh yes, that is gud news, er, Bo’sun. Send him to my cabin as soon as he gets here.”

In his cabin, Morgashi curled up and tukt a nap while he was waitin. Ten minits latr, Jack O’Bowsprit knocked on the dor an caym in. Bein a person of the Beagle persuasion, he licked Morgashi’s face befor he cud give his report. Morgashi was not too happy about this, but because Jack had a eagle-eye nose an very strong skills in linear thinkin, Morgashi dint say nothing about it.

“Report, sailor,” he said an wiped orf his face with his Garfield hankerchif.

Jack said, “Well, Captain, them bank folks is planning a trap fer us. The King’s birftdae is comin up an the viceroy plans to ship lotsa cocoa back to England fer the celebration. But the Royal Navy is goin to accompany them cargo ships so we can’t get at them.”

“Hmm,” said Morgashi thortfully. “We could take this a few different ways. First, if we kin mayk the Navy think we gots an armada of pirate ships, they wud send lots and lots of Navy ships wift the cocoa, leavin the islands underprotected. That cud be a opportunity. Second, we cud get one of our spies on one of them ships to detect—“

Jack barked, “Don’t look at me, sar!”

“Well, third, then. We cud alert our contacts in London. Once the Royal Navy has escorted the ships over the waters, they are problee not gonna be too interested in the cocoa on land, in the port warehouses. We cud do a spot of pilfering there, I expect.”

“Captain, you is just full of innerestin idears!”

“Yep,” said the captain, carefully lickin a paw. “I am at that