More Parteez an a Change of Planz

Musashi Sez:

Wull, it has been a verree egsytin week again. On May 1, we celebraytid the fact that Mom is employed, since noboddee pays me to do my writing. On May 4, we celerbrayted Star Warz Dae, cuz, yu noe, May the Fourth be wift yu. On May 5, we celerbraytid Cinco de Mayo (which is pernounced Sanko de My-O, not Sink-O de Mayo, an fer some reason has nothing to do wift:

• decaffeinated coffee

• yerz truly

• sinks

• mayonnaise

or, an yu not going to beleev this,

• Spaghetti-os or eevn

• the letter O, which yu wud hav expected to have sponsored the holiday.

Nope, it has to do wift Mexico and the Frentch army. Yu remembrer Emperor Napoleon wift the funnee hat an planz fer world dominayshun? This army was sent by his grandson Luis.

Aneeway, it occurred to me that wift all this importint stuff I has to do all the tim, I not got any more tim for that eevil Captain Nemo whu stole mai naymin rights to that big old blizzard we had. But I figger that since I stole his Bein-Halpful-wiftout-Bein-Aksked certificate from Mr. Rogers, we are eevn. An if he decides he wants it back, then he kin come to me an we kin make a deal.

In the meantime, we has brougtid our ship back to Earth an I am busy workin on mai jet lag, which is OF COURSE the ONLIEST reason that I was wide awake at 3:55 this morning pattin Mom on the face. In fact, I is insulted that she cud possibly have thogtid otherwise. Huh.

Gud Boy Cookiez

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Musashi Sez:

So I got distrackyoolayted from mai job of gettin Mistr Tygr back from Captin Nemo’s submareen. I wuz verree bizee maykin plans fer that Verree Importint dae: Pie Dae. Parentlee, on March 14, everboddee eet lotsa pie. An this is verree importint to maftmatishunz an syentists. Don’t asks me why.

See, around the world. Pi (Greek letter “π”) is the symbol used in mathematics to represent a constant — the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter—which is approximately 3.14159, an change. So on March 14, on the fifteenth hour an the ninth minit, which will be around 3:09 pm, everboddee will eets banananana creem pi, an choklat creem pi, an appul pi, an cran-bloo-berree pi, an punkin pi, an lik that.

Mr. Tygr Sez:

Um. So. Yu gyz goin to get me out???

Singin in the Wind(less Space)

Musashi Sez:

Wull, I wuz sleepin on the dashbord of our Chair-Spaceship-Thing, an Mom sed, “Musashi, whut yu doin?” but before I cud explain, she gottid all distracted from perpayrin Mistr Tygr fer settin down in Mumbai so that he cud spy on Captin Nemo, who stol mai naymin rigts fer the blizzard on my fifth birftdae.  

Whut has she ben verree bizzee wift, yu asks? Writin songs, if yu kin beleevz it. So I thogtid, “If she kin do it, so kin I. Huh.” So here is mai song. (So, okay, I stol the leerik struktchur from that jeenyus fellr Joss Whedon, but I has interpreted it all by maiself.) So sing wift me, peeples!

Take my love, take my land,

Take me wher I cannot stand.

Doesn’t matter. I’m still free.

Can’t take spontaneiteee.

Take me out to the bloo.

Complain and say, “Poo on yoo!”

Burn the bagels, boil the Brie.

Can’t take spontaneiteee.

Let the soldiers march in line.

They will never take my spine.

Lost my claws, lost my dream.

Can’t take spontaneiteee.

Feel the silence echo long,

Makes me want to sing this song:

I can hear it, I can see:

Can’t take my spontaneiteee.

Lost my blizzard, lost my naym.

That cad Nemo takes the blame.

Doesn’t matter. I’m still free.

Can’t take spontaneiteeee.

Hair Warz

Musashi Sez:

The problim wift yoozin tecknologee to find Captin Nemo is that it tayk so long. Shur, yu say, I gots a fansee spaceship an som verree attraktiv crew memberz (Mr. Tygr is blushin). Don’t that mean that yu kin has them turn some dialz an then speak some kinda incomprensobbul dialog that meens, in short, “Gotcha!”?

Well, no, not so mutch. Theez things takys tim an every thin has to be recalibrated all the tim, cuz artifishul grabity is a trickier thin than it look on TV shoz about the 23^rd centree. So we akshul does a lot of sittin around waytin. An this is not gud.

Cuz, yu see, when we are sittin around, it not onlee the crew sittin around in the ship. It is also the ship sittin in one place scannin. An that mean that our pilot got tim on her hands. An so she desiderayted to brush me. Huh.

She sed she gottid this idea about brushin enugf fur outta me to mayk a new kittee, lik  Mini-Musashi, whu wud be lik a littul brothr I cud boss around and also he cud be part of the crew. But whut I need a littul brothr fer when I gots Mom?

So I sez, “Captin Kirk didn’t hav nobody brushin his hair fer him!”

An she sez, “He didn’t need to. He oiled it down.”

So I sez, “Wull, Captin Picard din’t have nobody brushin his hair!”

And she sez, “Corse not, silly. He was bald.”

So I sez, “Wull, Captin Janeway—”

But she wuz reddee fer me. “In the first seezon she absolootely did, cuz she had that fancy Gibson Girl hair, which is impossible to do by yerself.”

An she sounded seerius, so I ran an hid unner the chair, wher she don’t fit, an I mayded a video an put it on YouTube, lookin fer a guru.

Halp me, Obi-Wearin Kernobi, yu ar mai onliest hope!!!

Followin the Trail

Musashi Sez:

We has casted off so we cud swim in the deep oshun, following the trail of that nastee Captin Nemo fellr, whu stol the naymin rigts fer the Blizzard which shud hav ben naymed after ME, Musashi (Captin of the Firefly class ship, the Spontaneity). Mai mishun, cuz I am verree mishun-orientid, is to chays down that Nemo fellr’s ship, the Nautilus, get mai operativ Mr. Tygr on bord secretly so he kin find out where Nemo keeps thos naymin rigts, steel them bak and bring them to us heer on the Spontaneity.

The onlee problem is that we not noe where Nemo went or what track he took through the oshun. Where is he likely to go? What sort of safe haven wud he look fer? Somewhere in Indyer? Someplace unner the ice cap (or whut’s left of it)?

So we started out by sailin unner the sea lookin fer the Nemo gy in whut you migt call a linear way. Then I hads a Brayn Storm. It occurred to me that if we went into Low Earth Orbit, we cud look down into the oshun an maybe eevn yooz GPS (Global Pozitioning Stuff) to find Nemo. We looked down in the oshun from WAYYY up above the sea and we had our Bobbinaytor an our IST (Impressiv Sensor Thingy) look fer any of that ther nookleayshun-typ energee. We finded 7 US Navy submareenz an also a alien ship wift a 23^rd centuree engine. An we finded somebody else wift a verree hard-to-nail-down engine, an so far, we has not definitivitivlee identified it as Nemo, but I think we has a shot.

So we are goin to keep lookin, and pertee soon we are goin to find him an get justis an lik that. Cuz we are the Heroes, an the Heroes alwaes wins. Huh.

Calibraytin the Chairship’s Meckanisms

Musashi Sez:

So I werked all dae yestrdae (aftr brekfist, I meen) on finishin mai ship so I kin go catch that Captin Nemo gy whu stol the naymin rigts to mai blizzard. I got the originul design from mai frend Opus the Penguin, who has spent lotsa tim as the science offiser on a ship jus like it. He eevn brogtid over spayr parts from the verree old Beta Verzhun fer me to put together wift Mom’s green armchair, an we are testing the engine to mayk shur it werks well enugf.

The chair has got three levelz. Mom is goin to serv as the pilot, on the second level (wher the steerin meckanism is), an I am goin to be the captin, on the top level, wher I kin see ovr her head. When things brayk, our frend Kaylee, the meckanic, will go unnerneath, wher the fansee engine is, cuz she is verree gud wift masheenz, an she will be able to fix it.

Yu wud be verree impressed wift the engine. It has got bells an eevn wissulz. It has a uppydowny, a flux capacitor, a bobbinator, a flounce attachment, an eevn a spinny thing! It is trooly a thing of wonder. I not sure just egzactly whut a cryhole is, or a arc reactor, but parintlee, it got those things too. Don't asks me, I is just the captin.

All we has to do now is put lots of toona in the kitchin an get the fuel it needs so that the spinnything spins an the bobbinator bobbinates. I maydid shur that we were not yoozin fossil fuels, cuz Mom wudn't lik that and Kaylee wudn't eevn noe whut to do wift them since she is from 500 yeerz in the fyootchr. (But she is young fer her ayj, so it not lik she'll be fallin asleep all the tim. Huh. She'd better not! That MY job.)

Perty soon, we’ll be abul to cast off an chays that annoyin Nemo fellr: Zoom! Zish! The Firefly class ship Spontaneity, ready fer akshun, wift ME, the heroic captin!

But Mom sez I am not allowed to call her mai byootiful assistint. Oh well, yu can’t has evrythin.