Friday, July 24, 2009

Rekonnasins, Kittee Style


Mom Says:

Alek drove Agent Octavian to the white concrete building with the darkened windows and parked. He got out and opened the back door, and Octavian leaped out.

“Good luck, Eight,” he said.

Octavian strolled into the bank, his black plume of a tail held high.

Herr Direktor Schmidt covered his surprise with polished ease as the black cat strolled up to him and sat at his feet next to the polished brass ventilation grille.

The lights glinted on the gemstones in the cat's collar, and he scratched his ear.

“Herr Octavian,” said Schmidt. “It is a pleasure.”

“Hayr Shmit, thanx fer meetin me. I herd gud thins about yer bank bak in Londin.”

Schmidt led him into his office, which was all dark wood and soft leather. “So kind,” he said. “In your letter you indicated that you might be interested in taking advantage of our…special services.”

Octavian jumped up on the leather armchair and curled his tail around his feet. “Wel, yu noe how it is. I mayd mor monnee in wun of mai…biznissiz… than I egspektid, an I had to put all the ekstra in mai littr boks, an now it’s all kinda stinkee, if yu noe what I meen.”

“Er, quite. Well, I’m sure we can accommodate you. Your secretary will be arranging the delivery, I presume?”

“Yes, he’s verree gud at that stuff. So, yu do all the werk heer in this bildin?”

“The majority of it, by far, jah. The principality of Lichtenstein is so small that we must build down, you see, so the building is more considerable than it may appear.”

“Yu don’t sae,” said Octavian, as Schmidt escorted him out.

Musashi Sez:

There was som mor stuff, lik, “Oh whut a nys contree yu hav heer, wift all the mountenz, “ etc., but yu wudn’t be innerestid in all that. I went hom to the hotel an tuk a nap.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Arrivin in Yoorup


Mom Sez:

Stars twinkled on the broad wings of the 747 as it banked for its final descent into the Zurich airport. The wheels bounced once, twice, three times on the tarmac and then rolled to a halt. Anyone waiting in the arrivals section, watching, would sigh softly in relief and then stare eagerly at the door, pretending nonchalance, while raking their eyes over the seemingly innocent tourists, worrying, perhaps, about one who seemed just a bit too good to be true.

Businessmen in suits marched in, yawning. A young man, carrying an attaché case in one hand and a long black leash in the other, attracted brief attention. But once the onlookers saw the black cat attached by a harness to the leash, they looked away, as if to say, “Oh, just another foreigner.”

The cat raised his head and sniffed the Swiss air. Then the two made their way through customs and out to where a hired car awaited them.

Musashi Sez:

The car ryd from Zoorik to Vadooz was jus horribul, wift turning cornrs, stopping, startin agen… It remindid me wai I don’t lik car rydz. An if that weren’t bad enugf, mai eerz kept poppin.

Alek, mai “sekretaree,” offrd me som choowin gum, but I cudn’t imajin Jimbond blowin bobbulz, so I sed, “No thanx.”

Wen we got to the hotel (it had treez in it!!!) Alek did stuff wift payprz an then we went up to our room (biggr than mom’s whol partment!) an slept fer ten owrs strayt. This whol spyin thin is hardr than I egspektid.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Tranzlayshun Teknolojee


Musashi Sez:

So Q just sent me not only the fansee layzr cuttr, but also his newest invenshun, the LingwaTron 9000K. The K version meen yu kin press buttnz wift yer klaws. This is verree egsytin. I’v ben testing mai mom on pfrazis lik “Hello,” “Good morning,” “Thank you,” and “Cheers!” She noez a whol lot mor than I thogt she wud, but she rmindid me that she went to Midulburry fer collidj, an everboddee ther noe lotsa verzhuns of lotsa werds, espeshullee “cheers.” She didn’t egsplayn wai. She jus sed, “We’ll, yu noe: collidj…”

Anneewae, I hav memerizd how to sae, “I am flooent in bizniss” in 6 langwudjiz, an I figgr that wil tayk me pertee far. Meenwhyl, I has to lern by nappin on mai Gettin to Noe Yer Lingwatron 9000K.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Whu This Waltr Mittee Gy?





Musashi Sez:

So mai mom is tellin me I’m jus lik that Waltr Mittee. But he is not lik Jim Bond or that CIA laydee, Victorier or Valereir or whuevr.

He is mor like Snoopee (the doggee), whu have lots goin on all the tim. He is alwaes bein a Werld War 1 flyin ays or a rays car dryvr, or a lawyr, or astronot, or Beegul Skout, or inshurins saylzman, or somthin egsytin lik that.

So why I am lik this Waltr gy instead of Snoopee, I don’t noe. Cuz Waltr is a hoomin gy, an Snooppee is a doggie gy, an sins I walks on all 4s somtims—ok, mos of the tim—I thingk I’s mor like Snoopee.

Somtimz, mom is jus weerd. That’s all.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Enterin the Innernashunul Siblingeree

Musashi Sez:

The coolist thin about lernin to be a spy is that suddinlee I is a membr of a innernashunul siblingeree, wift bruthrz an sistrz all ovr the wurld. I ben gettin poscards an telleegramz wift messudjiz like: “Dirmu sashi allth ebest .STOP Yrfrn
dbond jmzbo ndSTO P….” Bob the Maylman thingk it’s kinda weerd, but I has mom tatch them to the erfidjieator wift magnets, along wift her poscards from egsitin placiz like Switzerlund, Italee, an Albanee. Oh, an also Londin an Vermont.

Cleerlee, mai mom is cozmapolitin, but I’m catchin up!

An theez nys nots is comin from not onlee British an Merikan peeples, but also from Artch-Ryvul Spy Typs. I got a poscard from Dr. Woof: “Ajint 8, I luks forward to figtin yu paw to paw. DW.” I wuz qwyt tutchd. Is almos lik we got mor in commin wift eetch othr than wift the gy down at the Petco.

An of cors, I also got nys messudjiz from folks in The Servis (yu gots to writ it lik this, tho I’m stil not shur wai…). An ajint whu I rispekt (but whu I kin’t naym fer reezins of confidenshialitalitee) tol me not to worree about mai spellin. He sez, “As far as consistc gos thats for smal mines.”

I respekts his opinyon. An jus so yu gets a tayst of mai noo lyf, I show yu zampul of the kinda cod I werk wift now. But don’t trai to reed it if yu aren’t a spy, cuz it’ll mess wift yer hed.

OKbai.

Coded Messudj: NOT FER YU!!!

deera jint4 9than xfero ffrin halpm oslee Imoko nthew ashin stuff butal lthem hoomi npeep lessp eekin germi nisfr eekin meout pleez advyz

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mai Osmosis


Musashi Sez:

As mos hoomin peeples whu liv wift kittee peeples noe, kitteez do mos of their lernin by nappin on books an “printouts” an lik that. This follo from Rul #14: If yu’r doin it, we’r sleepin on it. Wiftout that rul, kitteez migt not hav becom the rulrz of the wurld that we ar. At the verree leest, we probabul wud not hav lernd neerlee so mutch.

Anneewae, durin this week wen I am bizzee lernin as mutch as I kin fer mai secret mishun, I am doin a lot of this lernin by osmosis. (Prezumabul, Mosis lernd his 10 Commands from God jus lik this, sleepin on them big roks wift the writin. We ar luckee in the 21st centuree to hav paypr to be sleepin on. Evn them hard-covr books is comfortabuler than big rocks.)

The books that “M” sent me ar the baysiks: Survaylins fer Kitteez, Countr-Monnee-Washin fer Kitteez, Licktenshtyn on $1000 a Day, an Gettin to Noe Yer F146 Camra-Collr. I also tryd nappin on Licktenshtyn: Brayv Countree of Mountenz!, but it was so borin, I fell off the couch in mai sleep.

Rigt now I am sleepin as fast as I kin, cuz I noe that tomorro or the dae aftr, I’ll be getting mai quipmint from “Q” an so I’ll hav to sleep on Gettin to Noe Yer Micro/Paw-Drivn Layzr Cuttr. I’m thingkin that mom won’t be too happee about it, so I migt hav to hid it unner a couch pillo or somthin….

An mebbe this the downsid of spyin. Shur, yu gets the egsotik lifstyl, the grayt fud, an hart-skramblin dangr. But yu also has to puts up wift deseet an lik that.

This deep stuff. I got to be taykin a nap now. Nigt.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Not Apollojetik


Musashi Sez:

Som of yu reedr peeples ben complaynin about mai spellin again, so I figgerd I wud writ yu a verree stiff not. Mom sez I cud call it an “apollojetik” cuz I am speekin in defens of mai pozishun. She sez thoz old Greek gyz inventid the ideer, so I spoz it’s based on that god-fellr, Apollo, whu was prettee gud at talkin an singin. But is sillee. Apollojee is wen yu haz to say “sorree.” An I am not sorree about mai spellin.

1 of mom’s frends sez mai spellin is awful, an I has desydid to beleev she reellee meens awsom, like inspirin “Awww!” from peeples cuz they’r so impressd. Mai granma keeps sayin that I shud “praktis mai spellin,” but is sillee, cuz I am praktissin all the tim! She sez, “Whut ar peeples goin to thingk? Yer mom is a Inglish teetchr an she spozd to check yer spellin. An it luk lik this?” (I’m whut mom callz parafrazin heer, OK?)

See writin tayks lotsa tim. That’s why somtimz I don’t publish mai blog everdae. Cuz somtim mom is too bizee graydin her students payprs to tayk the tim we need to argyoo ovr ever wurd. Lik this:

Mom:
How manee tim I tell yu? “Might” got an H in it.

Musashi: How yu noe? All yu heers is the M, I, an T. I jus throws in the G cuz yu lik it an it look lik a kittee tail.

Mom: Yu don’t beleev in dikshunareez, do yu?

Musashi: Cors not. Somtim nex yeer I’m goin to writ mai own dikshunaree. Yu kin hav yers, an I’m havin myn.

Mom: Well, kin yu at leest be consistent an spell the saym wurd the saym wae all the tim?

Musashi: I spell it how I feel it at the tim. Som wurds mayk me feel happier on Toozdaes than they do on Windzdaes.

Mom: OK. Fergit the apollojetik. What yu ar writin is, ahem, “An Epistemological Study of Empathetic Orthographical Reform (Feline Dialect).”

Musashi: Wow. I had no ideer I was so smarteepants…

Now we do this fer evree wurd. So yu'r all jus luckee we evr finish theez blogs at all.