I Tells Yu Merican Histry, Free!!!

Musashi Sez:

Resintlee, I has becom interestid in Merican histry. Turns out, ther has been lots of excitin peoples in the past, an I will tell yu all about them an their funny clothes.

Mom sed that when she was in skool, they allus started wift the Aztecs, the Mayans, an the Inkers, but I not pertiklrlee interested in folks who eat eatch othrs’ hearts out,  make arts n’ crafts wift corn husks, or draw tattoos on eetch othr, speshulee if they not eevn liv on our continent mutch.

Instead, I tells yu about the Indyuns who lived in my town. They were called Wampanoags (I not kiddin). An they were stittin around the campfire in the summer of 1620, which is like mor than a hunnert yeerz ago. An one of them sed, “Yu noe, gyz, it have been awful quiet lately. I’m thinkin that we cud yooz som excitemint.”

And another Indyun sez, “Joe! What wer yu thinkin! Now yu noe we’re goin to be jinxed!”

An he wuz rigt, cuz just a littul whil later, these guys in funnee blak hats sailed up an asksed fer directshuns and stayed fer, like, years an years, problee cuz the turkey an cranberries wer so darn tasty.

My Job as Persnul Traynr

Musashi Sez:

Wull, Mom caym bak from Thankxgivin wift PIE an a full tummy, which is somthin we ar for, but she also sed that she needed to exersize mor, cuz of all that turkee an cranberries an mushroom stuffin that she eated. Also, olivz.

So, sinse she not got a tail to wag lik Mooch here, she has got to count on me fer her persnul traynin. I kin be very helpful, chaysing mousees an bloonz, an the crayzee red dot. Altho she has lostid the dot, eevn tho we just put noo batteries in the crazy red dot makr thin rigt befor thanxgivin. Huh. She sed she will get a noo one, cuz it is very importint fer evree household to has the crazey red dot thin. Othrwize, yu not get the propriate exersize. An eevn tho olivz not make up a majer part of my diet, I has to keep in shape too.

So this persnul traynr thin is like a partnership, (which is not the same as a parsnip, on account of not being a root vejtabul). This meen that we halps eech othr with stuffs, lik the wae she cleen my littrbox an I wakes her up in the mornin. This is called synergy, but the electric compny not charge us for it.

This comic was drawn by Patrick McDonnel whu is my favritest comic artist.

All Kinds Stuff Happenin

Musashi Sez:

 Wull, it has been a bizy week fer us here in the Unitie States. We had a lection, which is when peoples whu ar old enugf run off early in the mornin to vote. An because ther ar millionz of Mericanz voting, the whol thing tayk all dae, whut wift all the standin in lin an the fillin in the littul circuls an the countin. At the end of the dae, half the folks is all happee an cheerin an the othr half is grouchee an complaynin an shakin their fists an yellin, “I’ll get yu next tim, Red Barron!!!” or somthin lik that. So it is kinda lik teem sportz.

Mom sez this is the glorree of partipsipatory demokrissy. I hop she is rigt about that, cuz othrwize it seem a sillee wae to desyd stuffs.

Then we hads Vetrinz Dae, wen we rmemberz all the vetrinz whu figtid fer our countree. Mom gottid all motional  wen she was splainin to me about this fellr Mark Lafayette, whu comd ovr frum Frans to help George Washinton get rid of the British whu wer claimin that Merica blonged to them. Then a cupple hunnert yeerz later, when the Germins were claimin that France wuz theirs, a big bunch of Mericans wentid ovr to Frans to help them. But they did not bring George Washington, cuz either he was ded by then or mebbe he was president. It was a compulcatid storee.

Also, ther were tanks!!! Which is lik truks, onlee bigger, an they got all this armr on theez funnee rubber band wheels that can run ovr aneething!!! Lik, RRRRRRRRRRRR grumble-umble-umble KER-POW!

An ther wer ol-fashund airplanes, an the akshul Red Baron, whu wuz on the othr sid, of cors, cuz he wuz Germin. But Snoopy is a Merican, an he figtid on our side.

Learnin To Plae wift BLOONZ!!!

Musashi Sez:

So fer the past 2 weeks, we has hadsd BLOONZ at our hous. They are white an green an yellr an purpul. Mom sed she wud had gotten me a brigt pink one, cuz she noe that is my fayvrit color, but they not has pink at the party she went to. (For this we has a sad. I blaym Pamlr, cuz it wuz her party).

Wen they first caym to our hous, the BLOONZ were afrayd of me, an so they kept up at the ceiling until they cud watch me fer a whil an figgr out that I not so danjerus to them. Then they caym down wher I cud talk to them. But they not has much to say fer themselves, even thogh yu’d thingk they’d be all full of hot air. Mom sez this is cuz they ar akshullee full of helium, but that is silly. Helium is whut they put in the floressint lights on the ceiling. Evrboddee noe that. Huh.

Mom has ben encuridjing me to plae wift them. She bats them at me an spekts me to do something about it, but I not noe whut. They are big lik me, so it not lik playin socker wift my ball wift the bell in it. An it not like she is kickin them across the flor, cuz they kin fly a littul. Fer a whil she battid them an I mayd big LEAPS! an batted them bak at her. She wuz verree impressed. But then I fergot, an som of them BLOONZ wus getting too frendlee, stickin to mai fur, and I not lik that.

Mom wuz callin whut we playd eethr multipul volleyball or maybe qwidditch, lik that Harry Pottr fellr plae on his fansee broomstick. I not has a broomstick. I meen, we gots a broom, but it not shaped rigt. Hard to fly if yer broomstick is all off at an angle.

An also, wiftout them posabul thumz, holdin on is verree diffrcult. An I noe that folks sez that kitteez allus landz on their feets, but I thingk that I wud prefer not to fall orf in the first place. Thangkyu verree mutch. Huh.

The Fox Guy an His Holrdae

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Musashi Sez:

Wull, I wuz goin to writ todae about baloonz an mai mom becoming a lefty, but then I suddinlee realized that it wuz Guy Fox Day in Inglund. This guy, whu wuz a fox, wuz planning on blowin up the Tower in Lundun wift som othr guyz, whu migt or migt not hav ben also foxiz. This wuz cuz the King at the tim wuz doin lotsa anti-fox lejislayshun.

(An yu has to unnerstan that wae bak then, all the kings wer boyz, cuz they has not ben compleetly enlighted then.)

Now, theyr plan to blow up the towr not has bombs, cuz they dint has bombs bak in thoz daes (this wus lik ovr a hunnert yeerz ago!!!). They not eevn has airplaynz, if yu kin bleev it!!! Instead, they wuz goin to yooz gunpowder. This meen that they hads to take lotsa bullets an yooz plierz to pull the lead bits out an por the gunpowder into their bom. Yu kin jus imajin how long it tayk fer a dozin foxez wift pliers to pull out the gunpowder frum hundreds an hundreds of bullets an por it all into theez big barrulz.

An this all tooks a long tim, which is why the govermint fellrs wer abul to caugtid them. An wen they caugtid them rebel foxiz, they conscripted lotsa horseez an horsmin an set them all after them. They chaysd them throo forests an across laynz an inneruptid the foxiz' tea-tim evree aftrnoon, which is kinda unforgivabul, if yu aksks me.

They eevn yoozed huntin hornz, eevn tho thoz thinz ar qwite skayree to heer. Huh.

So, cors, evnchoolee, they caugtid that guy, Fox and his frends (whu migtid or mightid not has ben also Foxiz), an they kilt them verree badlee, which is somthin governmints do wen they ar verree, verree upset.

An this part is whut I has the trubbul unnerstandin. Parentlee, to celerbrayt this historikkul eevent-thin, the Inglush peeples has effudgeez of that guy, Fox. They mayks models of him in Fudge, and they eets them. An then to burn off the calreez, they runz around in cirkuls, shoutin, “Kablang! Pow! Kerpoweeeee!” Somtimz they eevn has firwerks, to mayks the sounz mor convinsin.

I nevr sed the Inglush peeples maydid sens. Huh.